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Self Love

Any advice on how to build your self-esteem and how to love one's self?

RatNinja 4 Jan 7

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Dress better and clothes that fit properly, walk tall, smile and compliment anyone and everyone, try to make them smile or laugh. Make eye contact.
Builds confidence, when you get smiles, laughs and banter, will boost self esteem!


Help someone else. Visit old people. Join a group like Toastmasters. Go to church for the friendship and community. Add a bit of sanity to discussions. (There was a discussion about creation. I mentioned that some of the arguments were illogical, and ID was garbage.) Join a political party. Do something you think is important.


There are many ways to do it.

I found that adopting a naturist (nudist) view and accepting my body as it is and not letting other people's judgements about how I look bother me to be a great step in the right direction. To feel ashamed of our bodies or how we look, when most of us are average and will never look like the eatign disordered photoshopped models, which we are told is the ideal of beauty, is kind of pathetic, as far as creating a society where people feel good about themselves and happy.


When I left religion, I was at rock bottom in regard to self-esteem. I could never be good enough or do enough to please the folks in charge. After I left I found out that I was average, maybe above average in my accomplishments. It took a while but I never again looked back.

gearl Level 7 Jan 8, 2018

I don't know your background or the cause of your low self-esteem but I can share what helped me, but first a little background. I was raised a Christian, indoctrinated (from scripture and clergy) to believe that I was born corrupt, that there was no good thing in me, that my heart was wicked, and any good I did was not because of me, but because of god in me. I was taught to never take credit for the good I did and sacrifices I made because then I was being haughty and that pissed off god.

Furthermore, I was taught/told that I was equally responsible for the brutal death of Jesus, that I must die to myself, and put myself last. All of this comes from the bible -- and so to question these teachings was to question god, and to question god was a form of rebellion which could result in eternal punishment.

So, yeah, indoctrination from early childhood impacted my self-love. During and after deconvertion, I focused on nurturing myself, and put my needs, dreams, and desires back on the front burner. I starting writing positive affirmation notes to myself and saying them out loud. I talked back to the voice in my head that told me I could never be good enough or reminded me of my flaws, constantly pressuring me to be perfect. I have to say that talking back to the negative voice in your head is very effective, and there are studies to back that up.

I hide my low self-esteem from everyone and never opened up about it until after I deconverted. I really admire your courage for sharing so personally---for making yourself vulnerable to us.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” ~Brené Brown

Mind Control: How to Win the War in Your Head


May we create the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. My atheist version of the serenity 'prayer'. For me it's never been about confidence, weighing your positives and negatives (although 'Made a searching and fearless moral inventory' is kind of like that) or practicing positive or self-affirming behavior. When I am at my most 'loving', whether for self or others, has always been when I'm the most serene. Figuring out what is worth or even possible to control and letting go of the rest is when I am most accepting of any kind of love.


There was a Roman Emperor Narcissus I think the world of physiology termed. You have to find what you enjoy doing alone art,exercise, writing a hobby etc.. Master it and then learn how to present it.


If you behave with integrity, keep promises, fulfil your obligations, be trust worthy and honest in both words and action you will be a person worth your love, fuck what others may have told you or your past failing live your life in the now not in the mistakes of the past. Self confidence is another matter it take practice and learning form your mistakes while not dwelling on them. Set attainable goals and you will gain confidence with each success. This is what worked for me.


RatNinja -- are you talking about confidence -- as in interacting with other people, job interviews, etc.?

Or are you talking about looking in the mirror and being able to say and BELIEVE -- I am a good person, I am worthy, I am lovable, and I deserve to have good experiences and good people in my life?

I think self-confidence is important in navigating the world.

I also believe having self-esteem and the ability to love oneself is crucial to being happy, healthy and capable of giving and receiving emotional intimacy. And, without that, self-confidence is not going to carry you very far in your relationships. (In my opinion.)


Do you like to read? If so, I recommend reading just about anything by Brene Brown.

Next, my sister (who is also on a search/quest for her own self-esteem/love) was positively raving about these Ted talks and speakers yesterday and sent me the links just this morning.

And she said this podcast (host is Lisa Romano) is really good:


I agree with others on seeing a therapist regularly; positive self-affirmations; and I would add finding a hobby or class. Try something -- anything. If you like it, you'll get better. When you get better, your confidence will grow a bit. With an educational class, with more knowledge, you will feel better about yourself, and might feel more secure in talking about things related to that subject.

I don't believe ONE tool is the answer. I do believe there are no quick fixes. Healing is a journey.

I like a book called Happiness Now by Holden and another on self confidence by Robert Anthony, where he talks about church-induced guilt and shame. Anthony has lots of insights on the internet.


well it starts with the realization that everyone has insecurities! Even your most "Attractive People"
have insecurities so you are not alone. Take a sheet of paper, write your name at the top. On the left side of the paper write Good and on the Right side write bad. Under each list all the good things about you as a person under good and of course do the same for Bad things.
Moving forward, focus on all the Good things and begin to work on changing the bad things!


This site has helped me immensely in rebuilding self esteem. I'm using my brain again and it feels good after 5 years of inactivity.


Be kind to yourself....firmly censor that nasty voice in your head that constantly tells you how worthless, etc etc you are. Buy yourself little treats......a nice coffeshop coffee, a piece of jewelry (flea market or tiffany) you like but formerly would not allow yourself to own, for example. Only wear clothing that makes you feel good......Throw out the rest! And so on. You are now forming good habits and reactions versus behavior that pulled you down. It will slowly become your new outlook Good luck!


Look for what causes any defeatism you might have. The easiest way to hate yourself is to become overcritical of yourself. It could just be a habit or could be situational/substance related. Look for your hits as often as you look for misses.


Before any one loves you... you need to show that confidence that you love yourself. I won't say it is easy but think about your accomplishment for smaller than they are... think about how many people have less than you. One day at a time, but every day remember that you are still here, young enough and if for no other reason because you have much to offer and this earth has so much to offer to you. Forget those that hurt you. Learn to chose those you want around you and leave your baggage behind. Every day remind yourself you could be in a worse place and if you are now find how to get out of there because you can get of of the worst situation. I was taught very early on my life... "NEVER GIVE THE BITCH THE SATISFACTION". Since a sophomore in High School it was Higher Learning to me and still is applied in my life. Baby steps... when nothing seems to work come down to this website... we are here for you.


If you want an honest answer: that depends a lot on why you are asking and what prevents you from having enough self-esteem to not feel bad about it. Depending on how much this affects you, it may be a good idea to look for professional help -- simple recipes may not work and trying them and see them fail may be frustrating.
I am deliberately not giving any concrete advice because it would be likely something that maybe is true for me but not necessarily for you. I think truly good advice would need to understand your situation, understand your history, understand the things you are unhappy with much better than is possible from just a generic "how to build self-esteem".

Good advice!


I tell myself I can't be that bad, my dog and cat still love me.

Lol 🙂


Everyday twice a day, go to the mirror, look at yourself in it, and tell yourself 10 times over that you love yourself, tell yourself you are handsome 10 times over, tell yourself you are amazing 10 times over, look at your body and search your soul and find what you think are your best features and tell yourself that you love those features, do this everyday twice a day until you believe yourself. Because you are amazing and handsome and you deserve that.

Sacha Level 7 Jan 8, 2018

Repetition is important, and it works.

When I have been down and think I am having a rotten day, I take a piece of paper and ask "What went right?" Then I feel better.

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