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As an atheist or agnostic, how do you deal with grief?

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0

I get sad, cry and wallow for about 48-72 hours then move on. Sounds cold, I know. But we're born, we live then we die. I see no reason to spend a lot of time worrying about or regretting things that I can't do anything about.

I was upset with doctors and the world (politicians) for a while after seeing how easy I was able to give my cat the release from his misery after having to watch my mother die slowly in tremendous pain. I should have been able to do for my mom what I did for my cat.

I did feel a lot of anger when I heard 'we know where she is now' or 'at least he's in a better place'.

0

This may sound cold, but even though both my parents and some close friends are now gone, my greatest grief has been when my dogs died (had to be put down). I have not yet lost a child, or a sibling, so I can't really gauge how that will affect me if any of them go before me.
In the case of my dogs, I cried like a baby and was very sad for days after; still saddens me to think about them, but I console myself that I gave them good lives as they did for me.

I kind of get it about the dog -- when I lost my mother, it was a terrible blow, but it was also in the way of things; she was older than me and had lived her life. I wish she'd have had more of it to live, but that's what happened and it didn't feel like I initiated anything, just reacted. I cried, of course. You only ever get one mother and even if you become an adult flying under your own power she's still gone.

When it was time for my dog, I had to decide that it was time to let her go, that what was best for her was a gentle, painless death. My then-wife and I made the decision together with advice from the vet, and we stayed with her as she went to sleep the last time. We both wept openly walking out of the vet's office leaving our beloved pet behind, and I'm tearing up a bit just thinking about it.

I'm convinced that this was one of the things that cumulated into my wife and I splitting up; staying together for the dog sounds a little silly, but our both caring for the senior dog was something that we did create a bond. With the dog gone, another one of the things that kept her wanting to be together with me was taken away. And then when she left, that was another thing to grieve, and while on most days I think I'm past that, I'd be lying if I said there weren't still bad moments every now and again.

So how do you grieve -- a parent, a pet, a relationship? Eventually, with all that (and more) happening to me within a year, I admitted that it was more than I could handle and I got some therapy. Suffice to say I'm really glad it's not 2017 anymore.

Erik, it will get better, believe me. Yes, therapy can help-did it myself after some traumatic events in my life overwhelmed me. But, hang in there, brother, and take care of yourself, you'll be OK.

1

The same way most people do. You spend time in the sorrow, say goodbye to the one you lost in the best way you know how and find ways to manage it on a personal level. It is an extremely personal process and no two people do it exactly the same. I don't believe that is different from one religion to another or for one without a religion. We express it in our own way and hopefully have the presence of mind to let others do the same even if we don't believe the same things they do.

AmyLF Level 7 Jan 19, 2018
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Realizing through out my life, is that life is ending for everyone. After being born, and having created my history, the only certainty I have is that I will die one day, sooner or later. For me that is the base for accepting. Sure, I go through all the levels of grieving, just like anybody else. But I realize that the love for deceased ones is related to my memory of them, and is not based on the assumption that they are living happily in some heaven and that I will see them again after I die myself. Even if the human spirit would appear not to die with the body, than still I don't believe there is some platform over the clouds in the sky where they roam freely, singing and dancing and worshiping some guy that is said to be the manager there.
I lost my parents, two brothers, a nice, a nephew. I loved them in different ways, I remember them in different ways. I don't grieve them anymore. They are gone and have given me a nice memory. When I die, the memories are also gone, as far as I have not passed them on.

Gert Level 7 Jan 17, 2018
1

You never stop grieving you just learn to live with it

My definition of grieving is that I'm sad about the loss, missing the deceased like I feel I will never be able to live a fair life without it. Understanding the reason of death, the fact that I can't change it and that it's the way of life, etc. makes me accept it. For me acceptance has ended the grief for every single person. Some faster, some took a little more time, especially those that you had an intertwined life with. I think ending the grieving period has been a conscious decision for me, time after time. I did not want that something or someone would be able to control my life.

2

Meditation...and Marijuana

Meditation helps, Marijuana did not help me really. Together it might help indeed, depending how you use it.

1

Death is a heard thing to deal with specially when you lose people that are not old. my logic is that we as a human being got an expiry dates. so I feel sad when I see young people die because they could have some great more years but older persons even though some are really close I guess I have come to terms that it is about time . Doesn't mean I don't miss them or I don't feel sad but I am thankful for the life they had and recognize it is there time to go.

Ewket Level 4 Jan 16, 2018
2

As with all forms of suffering there is no universal prescription.

Accept it. Recognize the attachment that has been broken.

Embrace the grief. Know that there is no end to it. All things change.

Our attachments reflect the time, love and attention we have invested. They too will diminish and begone.

1

I don't cry. My grandma died. I just did not feel anything.

2

Normally I cry

3

By grieving, accepting reality, and moving on. After the grief, many fond memories remain.

1

Pretty much internally, thus alone… Deep sorrow, which has been known to include tears ..and snot (dog damnit).. I’ll allow myself to feel the bottom, then, as in a pool, begin to naturally rise. I’ll turn to other’s if it gets too bad.. But viewing life head on, as horrid as that can be, seems the fastest way to get through it ~

Varn Level 8 Jan 16, 2018
4

My parents both died in 2008, my Mom died first of cancer and Dad from complications due to Alzheimer's four months later..
Both suffered for quite a while.

My Mom was slowly withering away and in worse and worse pain daily.
Dad couldn't remember recent events but could remember things from 50 years ago.

He was staying in a home and when I would visit he always asked how my Mother was.
I would just say she's fine, he was at her funeral but didn't remember. It was heartbreaking.

I felt relief for them that their suffering was over, no delusions that they were going to a "better place"
although I heard plenty of those types of platitudes at their funerals.

3

As I've gotten older, I find I don't "grieve" as much as I did when I was younger.
Death is inevitable. No one escapes it. I've made my peace with that.
If it's someone I've been particularly close to, I'll shed a few tears, and then I move on.
There's no point in wallowing. Besides, those who have passed, if we were close, wouldn't want me to spend a lot of time feeling badly about their loss. I certainly don't want anyone to grieve for me. People have things to do. Get on with the business of living.

^^^Yes!^^^

0

I got a hard shelled heart. My biggest loss so far was my grandmother. I am ready when my mother pass on since she is 91. Like I told my kid sister that just lost her husband of 5 years. Don't expect to see him in the other side, he is not here now, he is not looking over your shoulder or sending you messages from the afterlife. I believe this plane is for us the living. I believe in the memory of a loved one and I also believe that a parent should never bury a child. That is a fear to me but I must go on no matter what if ever happens. Never a spouse or lover so can't tell of what pain may come. But I have found my answers without much reading. I recognize everyone is different and some need that comforting words to give closure and move on.

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My Mother passed away in 2014 and I am in away still dealing with it. I did go see a psychiatrist back when it first happen and it helped me and I highly recommend that.

3

When my father died 3 years ago I reasoned he wasn't in pain anymore.

A very good point to look at it.

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