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Boyfriend is agnostic, I'm an atheist. How to cope with disagreements?

So lately, I have been discussing my views with my boyfriend because he's one of the very few I can open up to about being an atheist (due to living in the bible belt and having many religious friends). When it comes down to our difference in views, we begin to butt heads a little because he seems to lean towards the Christian view of a god being the cause of the universe and has no logic to support his argument. I will ask, then who created God or what could his origin possibly be? And he will say nothing, just that God was the beginning of everything. Then he will try to backpedal and say "only IF there is a god would this be the case" but it's obvious he believes it or really wants to. He grew up with a dad who was Jehova's witness and a Catholic mother so he was influenced probably a lot more than I was as a child by religion. I know it can be difficult to let those ideas go but what bothers me is that he defends the ideas with no logic. He even defends the bible as being a good guide to life, NEVER HAVING READ IT. I have, as I was forced to attend confirmation classes, and I suggested he do so before we discuss it. He says he won't. I love him but this is so frustrating. Obviously I feel it is easier to have a relationship with someone who is agnostic than a religious person, but does anyone have suggestions for how to have these conversations without letting the differences come between a couple? I really appreciate any advice.

TaliaElizabeth92 5 Oct 18
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237 comments (201 - 225)

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Let god sort it out.

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Be open-minded.

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I was married to a fine Christian man. Certainly we disagreed on the subject of religion, but we were compatible in so many ways. We admired and respected that person we married. Disagreement is mandatory. Unpleasantness is not.

Of course the bible contains some good advice, some history, some good guidance, but it contains so much bad and outdated advice (stoning a woman if she's not a virgin upon marrying, "an eye for an eye", etc.,) and so many dangerous, destructive and outrageous myths that it, like other sources of information, has to be evaluated with a rational mind. Much of its wisdom is repeated in other faiths, also.

Ask yourself about your BF. Is he moral? Does he behave responsibly? Do you admire and respect him? Do you think he is a decent citizen? Would he make a good father? These things are more important than "Does he agree with me in all things?" My husband and I had 35 happy years before his death. No, I wasn't pleased about his being a Christian. But I was very pleased about so many other things about him. Good luck to you both.

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You are in a tough spot because you love him. The best way to handle this would probably be to agree not to discuss religion. Your other option is to cut and run. It all depends on how important this disagreement is to you. You also need to consider things down the road- if you have children, is he going to want to fill their heads with that BS?

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Just agree to disagree or break it off, IMO.

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Honestly, I would just not have the conversation at all. Or get rid of him, if it was me. Only advice I can give is when he goes on with his ridiculousness move on to another subject.

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OMG!!! Respect each others view is the very first step. I didn't allow my one of my daughter to be Agnostic till she know enough about Christianity. So, she's not going to be ignorant, but knowledgeable why she is not Christian and be able to call Christians out on their Bullshit.

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Well, my Catholic wife and I have been together over 10 years now. Admittedly the largest contributor to things working was each person that was aware of my Atheistic beliefs had a certain level of respect mutually. So I was quite lucky that not only her and I have a mutual respect and understanding but her friends and the in-laws as well. I had suggested that if we have kids I would prefer them to be aware of many religions and let them find their way naturally. Such topics ended have pretty amicably over the years but it requires that at least her and I find common ground. Factors outside of that can definitely make things better or worse. So all I must say is that at least so far it sounds as if you two have not developed such a language with one another yet. I've always joked that any relationship or marriage requires a great deal of compromise. 🙂

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I'm an Indivisible member, unpaid protest organizer, and I campaigned for HRC. No, your question wasn't about politics. But I feel qualified to answer because my husband is really conservative. He voted for tRUMPy conservative. People uniformly recoil in horror at this news. But he's still the person I trust most in life, the man who constitutionally incapable of not helping a person in need, and the kindest, most ethical man I know. I refuse to let a private decision ruin our relationship. Admittedly, it took a f- ton of arguing to get to this point, and we nearly did break up over political issues. Several times, in fact.
So: my question is this: do his beliefs make you think less of your boyfriend? Do his views diminish either his character, intellect or values in your esteem? If the answer is yes, then you know what you have to do. If not, I counsel you not to let a privately held belief ruin a good thing and argue about something else. Just my $.02.

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Doesn't sound like you've got yourself an agnostic, there. It sounds like you've got yourself a non-religious (non-organized) Christian, or maybe a deist.

Maybe try directing him towards actual agnosticism.

Huxley was a scientist, above all else. He defined agnosticism as a belief in the scientific method, or the justification process that leads to knowledge, and it amounts to a form of demarcation. No objective testable evidence = a subjective unfalsifiable claim. Results: unscientific and inconclusive. No belief as to the truth, or falsehood, of the claim.

Huxley:

“I say, strive earnestly to learn something, not only of the results, but of the methods of science, and then apply those methods to all statements which offer themselves for your belief. If they will not stand that test, they are nought, let them come with what authority they may.”

"Agnosticism is of the essence of science, whether ancient or modern. It simply means that a man shall not say he knows or believes that which he has no scientific grounds for professing to know or believe."

Huxley's favourite philosopher was Hume, whom Huxley wrote a book about, and retroactively called the "Prince of Agnostics".

Hume:

"The whole is a riddle, an enigma, an inexplicable mystery. Doubt, uncertainty, suspense of judgment, appear the only result of our most accurate scrutiny concerning this subject."

And, that suspension of judgement philosophy traces back to the first school of scepticism, in Ancient Greece, Pyrrhonism.

Sextus Empiricus, Outlines of Pyrrhonism:

“Let the Dogmatists first agree and concur with one another that god is such and such, and only then, when they have sketched this out for us, let them expect us to form a concept of god. But as long as they do not settle their disagreements we cannot tell what agreed-upon conception we are supposed to get from them.”

“Furthermore, if we go by what the Dogmatists say, even if we form a conception of god it is necessary to suspend judgment concerning whether he exists or does not exist. For it is not pre-evident that god exists.”

Karl Popper, also an agnostic, cemented demarcation and falsification into the philosophy of science.

If he won't read a Bible, maybe he'll read something else. The writings of Huxley and Hume can be found online.

If that fails, maybe just agree not to talk about it.

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My advice is let it go. If he thinks maybe some god might have done something, so what. He is not trying to jam religion down your throat. So let it go!!! Why try to force him into believing what you do. Isn’t that something you hate about the people who thump their bibles that live by you!!! Don’t be them!!

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It's hard to talk about. My wife is Catholic, and I have tried to reason with her. It ends up with her being mad and me being frustrated. I just try to come to places like this and get it out of my system, and not talk about it with her.

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I wouldn't focus on who is right or wrong in a relationship. Instead of this I would focus on decisions. So, if he decided to believe in a god and you decided to live your life without any god, would that be a problem for you?

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It sounds like your boyfriend is a Christian with doubts rather than an agnostic. Does he still hold to the belief that faith in God or Jesus is required for forgiveness and entry into heaven? How about sin and Hell?

He may be wrestling with his fear of mortality and hanging onto a wild card.

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Simply make an agreement to respect each other's views. Most atheists will agree they don't know 100% if good(s) exist..

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It sounds like your Boyfriend is more specifically what the Dawkins Scale would refer to as an Agnostic Theist, someone who believes in a divinity of some type but is unsure, rather than a pure Agnostic or Agnostic Atheist. In the end, it'll all come down to "is his lingering Theism a dealbreaker" and "can you reason with him on other things". If the answer to the first is no, and the second, yes, then just let it lie for a while and let time and experience do the work of opening his skepticism for you.

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I just wouldn't want to discuss it tbh, is it hugely important to you how strongly (or not) they aren't a believer? Why is this something that comes up so frequently?

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I had the same problem with my last girlfriend. To me, the real problem was her unwillingness to allow logic to educate her.
It means that someone is willing to cling to beliefs, even though they are too lazy give real thought to obvious problems with their beliefs. Or they are just afraid of the void. Fear of death, or nonexistence is what drives many people to have beliefs.
The only way to maintain a romantic relationship with someone who can't/won't let go of belief, is to try not to talk about it? ...I don't know. I couldn't make it work, and I really loved her.

Long before her I was married for 10 years to someone who casually accepted the idea that death meant nonexistence. I loved, and admired that about her. I guess that's why I'm here.

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Don't try so hard to convince him. You could try to watch some debates and interviews with leading atheist thinkers with him. There's lots on youtube. Make it something you'll watch together from time to time. Or rent a documentary, or buy him a book like The God Delusion where he will learn "why there is almost certainly no god". Whatever you do, take it slow!
It could take years to slowly nudge the irrationality out of him. But the gentle path may be the only way for a healthy relationship. The good news is, he's already halfway there.

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Use an argument as foreplay, it can make it kinda rough, so if ur into that give it a go!

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The problem is that he is a closet Christian posing as an agnostic.
Stop trying to convert him, respect his right to non/belief in the same way you want yours respected.

As for reading the Bible and other religious works, I would suggest it for believers and non believers alike.
A person should know what it is that they believe or not believe, but it is heavy going and not for everyone.

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My wife's a believer, I an atheist. We don't discuss religion.

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Perhaps you are trying to comunicate in two differant languages. For instantance, does he see a tree, and count that as a miracle? Or consider a child as a miracle, instead of a natural event? You might consider that religious people have very differant definitions than atheist. Atheist have realized that "theres nothing out there" that can help or hurt them. Believers "know" (definition) that their god is "real" (definition) and can reward them, or punish them, at its whim. Two very differant mind sets, and difficult to over come. My two-bit analyzation. Perhaps in your careing for each other, you have considered each a "project" to undertake. Anyway, good luck with your lives. Being agnostic allows the possibility of mystical beings ( at some point I might have to be a believer)

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could you be trying to convert him? personally I find that admitting that I do not know allows for people to take advantage of it to try to convert me. maybe not bring up religion for a while.

@ashien1965 I know what you mean. Maybe if you said something like "my belief is that it's unknown and unknowable" it might make you seem much less open to conversion.

just saying that as an agnostic, people tend to see an opening to try to convert me. this is both religious people and non-religious people.

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I am a strict constructionist...
So we are all AGNOSTIC about the existence of a higher being. If he believes there is a possibility of a higher being..technically so should you.
But maybe the issue is that he is willing to do things as a direct reflection of that belief of possibility? And in that case..I think he's wasting time and energy but you can treat that the exact same way someone might treat a partner who plays too many video games or who spends a ton of money on what you deem fruitless endeavors.
If it hurts your reality you can't allow it to persist. If the effects are relatively harmless..ignore it as best you can.

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