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How do you move from cheerfully flirting to being vulnerable?

As a cheerful, born flirt, my rationale is: "Why not leave people feeling a bit bucked up and perky?" I can flirt with anybody: men, women, teenagers, babies, grandparents, dogs, customer service representatives on the phone. It comes from an almost demented joy in being alive.

It’s fun to be in a momentary, twinkly conspiracy ("I like you, and you like me" ), laughing and talking together.

As men know, it is hard to move from lightly flirting to seizing the moment and being vulnerable.

It doesn’t help that my married hiking partner, Karen, critiques my comments to men afterwards. “Oh, Kathleen! I can’t believe you said that."

Occasionally, I run across a fit man my age who is hiking alone. Two years ago, while snowshoeing, a man took a shine to me. With an Italian accent, he was charming. I flirted as hard as I could. But did I set down my pack in the snow, dig out paper and pen, and give him my name and phone number? No. I didn't want to get my pack wet.

“You’ll run into him again,” Karen said consolingly. Fat chance. The chance of our converging on the same trail is miniscule.

A month ago, a handsome, older man – who climbed Mission Peak behind us- stopped his car at the trail head to chat with me. He focused on me, not the other women. Did I ask:

“Are you married?” - or even-

“Why are you hiking alone?”

Then I watched him drive away, kicking myself. I was wearing gloves; he couldn't see if I had a wedding ring.

I regret not being more forward with these two men.

What stops me is handsome, fit, middle aged men are usually married.

Perhaps I should have small cards printed with my name and phone number, like calling cards. I can carry a few in my pocket while hiking. Suave.

I'm bad about not carrying my phone while hiking. Too heavy. My hiking partners always carry phones. This bit me in the butt once, when Karen and I got separated on the trail.

Your thoughts? Do you have any suggestions?

p.s. Thank you @travelerx2 . Great idea!

Just clipped a pen to my hiking hat-band like old reporters, and pinned a folded piece of paper under the perky bow in the back.

Problem solved. Now I need to be more forward.

LiterateHiker 9 Sep 27
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38 comments (26 - 38)

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1

I don't like going anywhere without a writting tool! A time piece of some sort. Nothing wrong with flirting the person you are flirting with should think see I am not that bad looking. she at thinks I was fun to talk too. If you wanted something else you would have been more forward like when you going to take me out or how about a date or are you going to buy me dinner. The guy might ask the same questions. Some are just natural flirts. For me its nice to have some one at least act like I am attractive.

1

I have a friend that flirts all the time when he goes into a store and is buying something. It's actually pretty embarrassing because at some point during the flirting he practically begs to get a discount.

Never fails! Every single time! Lol

1

You always need to grab the moment because, chances are, you won't run into him or her again. That's happened to me too many times. Attaching paper and pen on your hat brim is a great idea. I don't have a business card but I have a few cards in my wallet with my name and email that I can give out. I'm a bit more cautious with giving out my phone number.

1

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. On the bright side, if he is married and thinks that you are terribly forward, you probably won't run into him on the train again.

1

I strongly advise people to follow the advice in The Rules.

NEVER be the instigator.
Let men ask for your phone number, and you should write down their names and home cities to google them later to check on their claimed jobs and relationship status.

NEVER chase, call, or pursue men. End dates first, let them pay, take your own car, don't pour out your heart to men, confide in them, speak of love, or talk about ex relationships, don't tell them where you live, etc.

My own advice; Caucasian American women are status symbols for most foreign or ethnic men. They are almost always strongly patriarchal as well. Don't be flattered by their attentions..they will hit on most white women and likely won't respect your boundaries. Avoid them.

Stay alive and unraped.

@birdingnut

Your comment about ethnic (minority) men is racist and offensive.

My ex-husband is Latino. Terry was born and raised in America, and treated me as an equal.

@LiterateHiker That is NOT typical. My dad, of Mexican-American descent, was abusive and patriarchal, and I also taught in Mexico for awhile and all the men I met were that way, not to mention all the men I've met abroad. The ones who treat women as equals are Australian, British, and upper class Americans. I won't even date a redneck or lower class US man because of this attitude. But if you start being insulting me I will just block you.

@birdingnut
Thanks for explaining your experience. Obviously, you have had much more experience living in Mexico and other countries than me.

I'm sorry your father was abusive, patriarchal and controlling. That's terrible.

@Stacey48 If you have a percentage of male hormones (check your ring finger length..if it's longer than your index finger, that indicates a high level of prenatal male hormones) , you'll have that predator instinct in you to chase love interests, as I have (I'm a nonbinary partial transmale).

The book, The Rules, as I keep explaining on this website, is for masculine women who lack the brain chip to act like typical cis hetero women and allow men to chase them, who only pick and choose those men pursuing them. The book shows them how to mimic a cis hetero woman to get a man interested in her.

It certainly works..I had to beat the men off. My problem is that I really wasn't interested in dating them, being demisexual. I just was following the Rules to show my family that I was trying to meet someone, so they'd leave me alone.

Showing casual interest in a man is not the same as pursuing them, however. Besides, this website is full of highly feminine men who would welcome an aggressive female approach.

High IQ people are usually androgynous, with mixed gender traits, and since atheists are typically higher IQ, supposedly, than the general population, there is a high percentage of masculine women and femme men here.

The rules are not for a society in which men and women are equals. It is not for people who are open and honest and don't play games. It is not for me.

1

EXCELLENT topic! I'll be reading every answer and already found a few that I liked.

I hike but tend to stay on my property or surrounding land. I am not a bar goer and tend to just come home after work. My buddy asks, "How do you intend to meet someone?" Aside from online dating sites which are terrible... My thoughts came to running into someone at the grocery store. I mean literally running into their cart with mine. I haven't resorted to that quite yet... But I DO always check for rings. If they are wearing a ring... I always walk away.

I've thought about a card... And now I am thinking about it again! I especially like the suggestion about making a card around a particular hobby.

My dad had one... Not for women but he was involved in a lot of clubs (Lions Club, Amateur Radio, Etc.) and wanted one to pass around. His had, across the top;
Used Cars - Land - Whiskey - Manure - Fly Swatters - Racing Forms - Bongos

The bottom had; Wars fought - Revolutions started - Governments run - Uprisings quelled - Horses doped - Yachts scuttled - Bars tended - Tigers tamed - Bars emptied - Computers verified - organized - Fights thrown - Boards directed - Private parties

Just a name... No phone number

So... To try to answer your question. Yes, you should absolutely give out your name and number if you get "that feeling!" Yes, it can be tricky... But you should always seize the opportunity!

Oh... And carry a cell phone, will ya?

1

In various sales jobs I have had over the years I was great at talking about whatever I was selling, terrible at the close. Sadly, the same goes for relationships. I love talking and can hold up my end of a conversation with strangers. But these interactions usually end in goodbye because I am incapable of asking if they are single or would like to get together sometime, exchange numbers or any other thing that might lead to further involvement. This can be very frustrating, but hard to overcome.

1

I actually did print up cards with my name and phone number on them. They are kind of like business cards but are more of like hobby cards. I leave them with people who collect things like I do, and it comes in handy when handing out your phone number.?

Also..... the hobby angle doesnt make you look like an egomaniac because you have cards with your name and phone number on it for no reason.

1

Could always write your name and number on the inside flap of your pack and flash them with it.

1

I am a full-figured man, but fit. No wedding ring, either. Here I am laughing it up at something or other at Snowy Range in Wyoming last summer.

@GuyKeith

This is one of the reasons why I have a massive crush on you. 🙂

@LiterateHiker Now that's being more forward 🙂 Alas, I'm not really on the market now, not because of any relationship, but more out of just sheer inertia than anything else. I appreciate it, I'm really flattered.

@LetzGetReal There is no need for all this. If you want to get acquainted, why don't you just say so?

@LetzGetReal Another victim claimed. It's a movie quote. I use them all the time to get into trouble.

@LetzGetReal Actually, my eyes are one of my better features. That, and my legs.

1

I don't know the solution to this problem so when you figure it out could you please let me know

Thanks to @travelerx2 ...

I just attached a pen to my hiking hat brim, and pinned a folded piece of paper under the scarf bow in the back.

Problem solved. Now I need to be more forward.

@LiterateHiker yeah the second Part's the part that's going to be hard for me

1

Flirting is so difficult. Especillay with all the varied hangups & attitudes people have regarding propriety, monogamy, age, sexual orientation and on and on and on.

I'm naturally very flirty because I enjoy that type of interaction with women who reciprocate. It adds a spark. As a guy I feel I pretty much have to rein it in at all times though, lest I be labeled a letch. I don't know if that's different for woman?

@MiltsterD

In doesn't help that I have female, married hiking partners who:

  1. Want to hurry up and get going; and

  2. Are a critical audience during my interactions with men.

Cringe.

0

Thank you, @travelerx2

Great idea! I just attached a pen to my hiking hat brim, and pinned a folded piece of paper under the scarf bow in the back.

Problem solved. Now I need to be more forward.

@LetzGetReal

Thank you! Karen took this photo on a hike to Twin Lakes. I love the curving Cedar branch.

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