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Have you ever had a partner succumb to mental health problems?

I have only had two long term relationships. Each lasted 12 years. I lost the first one to addiction, and the second to mental health issues. I could write a book about enabling. The first just kept spiraling after I was finally able to get free. The other is actually doing better because I made him leave. What experiences have you all had?

Tecolote 7 Jan 28

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17

My ex was OCD and manic depressive. She should have been on meds, but was too proud to seek help. On top of that, she spiritualized it all, blaming me as satan's tool to get at her. It was the worst, most torturous 9 years of my life... I needed deprogramming after we split up. That's almost 25 years ago, and to this day still feel its effects.

So, I warn people that are in any kind of toxic relationship: GET THE FUCK OUT.

I have just had 2.5 years taken from my life by an OCD woman and she wasn't even in a relationship with me. I simply complained to her employer's that there was something wrong with her. The whole town of god botherers was aware of the fact but in denial and she and her husband were "good" Lutherans. I ended up being punished by the local court for longer than the local wife murderer who believed that satan was dwelling in his wife. So @Hominid I can understand your need for help after 9 years.

wow, you did well to survive, that can really stuff someones mind up.

@Rugglesby - Damn right. One of the biggest processes I had to go through was forgiving myself for letting myself be abused for 9 years.

@FrayedBear - wow, that's horrible. These wacko people can be very convincing and manipulative...

@Hominid Particularly when backed by perjuring psychopathic(? ) witness (police informant?), perjuring and gaslighting police and kafkaesque court.

12

Mmm.... wife is bipolar.... I take it easy with her. I'm not affraid... just aware. Shes a good wife and i love her.

That made me smile.

11

So, being in love, we got married.
Depression was her diagnosis, and we seemed to be dealing with that, for a while. She changed, angry, violent changes. One day as i sat in the waiting room at her therapist office, a person walked up to me, handed me a folded small note, and said, "don't ever let her see this."
it was an article entitled, 'borderline personality disorder'. that action and article freed me from the blame i was feeling for our problems. saved my life perhaps.
the prognosis for the relationship was terminal.
But, i learned a lot about me and as a result of the relationship my life took directions which led me to wonderful things.

@Dida I think you were courageous to share all of that. Thanks for trusting us with that part of you. I admire your honesty and your ability to know yourself. I am also sad for your outlook in the relationship department. I have to say that I hope that changes someday -- meaning I hope that treatments can be developed that make it possible for you to have healthy relationships.

@Dida - you're not not contradicting I don't believe. Its good to hear your managing it well. when i spoke with some "pros" about her illness, they explained that she could never be assured of anyone loving her. Thus there were lots of "situations" she devised, or dreamt up, ever increasing in the dramatically crucial category. She wanted me to fix or resolve or rescue her from. Eventually, as these scenarios escalated, i couldn't keep up and she would become resentful and violent because my proof of love was insufficient. I couldn't get anything right. Her upbringing was terribly troubling with parents who used her and her siblings in an never ending game of alliegences and schemes. she was the youngest by several years so they had only her to play with for her teen years. I was completely caught up in thinking i was supposed to fix it all and make the world beautiful, it was quite an experience realizing i was only making things worse by trying. I do understand its a complex condition that has many symptoms and behaviors. she was unaware she had bpd because the pros hadn't told her. the lack of treatment they thought would make her hopeless feelings be even worse. i understand now that she meant no harm, but couldn't help it. Thank you for your response.

@Dida ...there you go again.. and thank you. BPD leaves a mighty big wake, perhaps you can become our ambassador? That is some priceless insight..

9

Yes. My partner sustained a traumatic brain injury after a car/train accident. While at first, we thought he'd fully recover, the TBI eventually caused non-convulsive complex partial seizures (temporal lobe epilepsy) with symptoms of hyper-religiosity, then bi-polar and major depression. He committed suicide.

I am sorry for your lost. I had friends that took that route but they were vietnam vets under mental treatment.

My sympathies, I have seen the effects of temporal lobe epilepsy, mood swings, hallucinations, voices in the head etc.

@Tecolote @GipsyOfNewSpain @Rugglesby

Thank you for thoughtful comments. This happened many years ago, but since then I've been an advocate for TBI awareness and seizure disorders. Not until very recently, because of NFL players, were people remotely aware of this silent epidemic.

@Rugglesby I had a friend dead at 24. He never had key of his house and was living with his parents when he died, a productive worker in society. We found the reason why never the key... he died of an epilepsy attack, banging his head against walls and floor. Parents wanted to know always when he was in the house. Haven't thought about it until you bringing epilepsy. I saw someone in an attack in the street when I was like 8. I remember like it happened yesterday.

@GipsyOfNewSpain What you will rarely hear/read in the media because epilepsy is still stigmatized, is that it is as common as breast cancer and takes as many lives. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

@VictoriaNotes The 20 years I spent in the navy I made sure they checked me for that, he looked a young normal individual, there was no signs and I saw the attack on someone with foam and everything as a child in a street. Short circuit in your brain is not a joke.

Oh my gawd, I did not see that coming. 😟

9

One of my exes committed suicide almost a year ago. She struggled with depression and addiction since she was 16. I left her when she started using again.

Thank you for your condolences. I'm more concerned for her son than myself. He lacks a formal education and is stuck with his literally insane grandparents. They blame me for her overdose, I don't blame myself. She didn't deserve death, but she chose it, there's nothing I can do to change that. There's nothing I did to cause it either.

7

I was the one who gave up and tried to end it. My partner at the time stuck by me like a champ; it's no stretch to say I owe him my life. We're still close.

My last bf (different guy) proclaimed himself to be the very picture of mental health and stability, despite having had a rough childhood, raised in a thoroughly dysfunctional family by a delusional psychopath and an alcoholic. He's well on his way to alcoholism himself.

Some red flags (that I noted and sailed right past):

  • "I'm always happy. I don't get sad."
  • "There are some feelings I don't like to feel--and I don't let myself feel them."
  • "I don't trust women."
  • "When you say 'boundaries', it sounds to me like you're trying to be in control and I can't stand that."
  • "[Yelling] is how I learned to communicate. There's nothing wrong with it."

Yeah. You need therapy worse than I do, buddy.

7

My wife has had two brain tumours removed,one in 1984 and the other in 2009 which has effected her communication skills but we are still together after 42 years and will remain together for life.

You are the man! I like that...

5

No..But I have..there are some frightening people out there..dated a control freak..was always demandimg receipts for things I bought with My money..it just escalated from there..sick fuck!

I dated a guy like that. He was in college and wanted the receipts to show his father he wasn't spending his money on drugs. That's all well and good but I was the one buying the things. Needless to say that relationship didn't last long.

@kiramea
mine happened last year, he wound up choking me in a pub due to winning a discussion about the Revolutioary War..

4

When I was young I was a magnet for psychotic people. I quit being an amateur and went into the mental health profession

@Tecolote I was a fixer too I decided to get paid for it. An example of my magnetism- Xmas break at college in the basement of the gym inside a sauna with the door shut. Pretty deserted campus. THe door opens and a woman in the usual multilayer psychotic garb snow covered and dripping comes in, sits down and tells me how her doctor just started her on haldol today.

@Tecolote Have you ever considered that you may be telepathically broadcasting like a siren?

@FrayedBear not if she has the foil on her head

@btroje LOL!

4

My wife was bipolar. She killed herself after we were married only a year.

I am sorry for your lost.

Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss.

oh man, so sorry.

sorry

Thanks. I got therapy and spent a few years in a survivor's support group.

sorry sir.

I'm so sorry brother...

I worry about her 17 year old daughter. I know she's been getting counseling but bipolar has a genetic component. Her family has shut me out so I don't know how she is.

I am so sorry for your loss and her daughter's loss. It's hard to lose a mom, and the MH problems don't help.

4

The first (only) long term (roughly eight years) relationship I had was with a bipolar and sex addicted woman who, as a later single digit young girl was repeatedly raped by a grey haired married man (next door neighbour) until she was powerful enough (teenager) to defend herself and tell him to go to hell. As a result she had profound (abandonment? and other) mental issues and was greatly into self-medicating. She suffered greatly. I used to dread her manic highs because they were always followed by an extended period of disabling lows. On those all to common periods I remember standing and holding her for hours at nights as her endless tears literally made the back of my shirt wet. I could also write a book about what she did. Haven't seen her in many years but I am rather sure she is now dead (lots of emotional problems that manifested in self destructive behaviour). At the beginning of our relationship I had a choice; she introduced me to her friend that was my age and we hit it off perfectly. I had several weeks to choose one or the other and we often spent (non-sexual) time together as a group. However, I selected the ten-year-my-senior woman as she seemed to need my emotional support and I thought I could help her - - that she just needing someone who truly cared to make her life complete. - - - I usually don't travel down that road of "what if" as my life would be profoundly different if I had chosen differently.

4

A long-term marriage with an eventually diagnosed wife having ‘adult onset anxiety.’ A caregiver, the r/s had taken all I had. When children came along, wanted, after having achieved a number of goals, my ‘care’ was split … and it seemed I was ‘punished’ for that.. In the end, the children were a better investment.

Damaged, friends led me to a 3 year off-again-on-again affair with an ‘invisible’ borderline PD’d mate. Invisible meaning, able to hide her deficiencies ..to a point… As I ‘recovered’ from associated life traumas, her condition was permanent.. I’ve since swarn off caregiving ~

Varn Level 8 Jan 28, 2018

@Tecolote A problem I may be having is determining what are simply normal quirks, and which are indicators of far deeper problems.. I’m likely jumping back too far too fast, or simply removing myself from temptation… Dang

@Tecolote A wise self-realization. After my eight year relationship with the before mentioned Physician’s Assistant, It took me months of reflection to realize why was a "fixer" and to reconcile my behaviour.

4

My ex blames the end of our marriage on my mental health issues. Truth is we both had or have mental health challenges, mine were being address and treated. Neither of us was a danger to self or others. but his method of dealing with his issues did not make for a good relationship or home life. Everyone is happier since we split, and the kids have told me they wish I'd done it sooner.

3

I was seeing someone casually for a couple of years, not really a relationship other than that we saw each other about once a month and I was fine with that (as it was the nature of our relationship from the start). Anyway, he talked about depression sometimes and getting himself out of it, things always seems to be going well when we were together. One way we communicated was through the chat feature during our ongoing Words with Friends battle, and then one day he was just gone... I tried to reconnect, tried to text him, I didn’t hear anything back. My thoughts were that maybe he found someone for a serious relationship, and I was OK with that but sad to not say goodbye... About two weeks later I randomly Googled his name, and found out he had committed suicide. It’s been four years, I haven’t been in a relationship since and I think my guilt over being the catalyst for some of his problems that led to his suicide (longer story there) still holds me back. 😟

@Tecolote I work with youth and have lost a few to suicide. The most disturbing instance was a lovely (inside and out) young girl who had the year before lost (death) her father. According to her friends that found her (hanging) body and suicide note, the note read, "I have killed myself so I can live forever with my dead father and Jesus in heaven." I still wonder if sending her to a Catholic mental hospital to help her depression was the best possible outcome for her. The school later had a speaker who reinforced an ugly version of Catholic faith based asserted (humans are worthless (can not make their own choices)) with his "She did not have a choice as god decided to take back. I could write a book on this topic.

Usually when someone commits suicide there is more than one reason. Theoretically there are signs you can watch for but it's a myth that the signs are always there in time to stop it. Some people prefer to hide or minimize their emotional pain and some people get very good at that, including suicidal people.

3

A few times in my life I have had situational depression or situational anxiety but I always get treatment and never make it someone else's problem. The only time someone else's issues ruined the relationship was when I was young and broke it off with a boyfriend who was too angry (no physical abuse but some verbal) and he threatened suicide when I did. I handled it by having my mom call his mom.

3

Borderline Personality Disorder, they don’t even seem to know what they are doing. They are convinced though there is nothing wrong and make crazy decisions. She always seemed to bounce back, but I have been told it gets worse with age. I do wish they would consider conventional medication as well as the holistic counseling approach she has been angaged in. Life is truely on eggshells. It has caused waves in the far reaches of our lives.

2

My mother was bi -polar /mainly manic; my father clinically depressed after his war experiences, both were abusive verbally physically and sexually - I have a diagnosis of D.I.D. I have been taken into mental hospital many times.
My partner of many years has chronic O.C.D. We seem to manage quite well in the circumstances and are living in sheltered accommodation. The things I can do well are cooking cleaning etc and creative thinking and craftwork , He is great with money numbers and logic . We live in separate flats and it s nice having someone else who is real about expectations. I don't think it would work so well if we were unbalanced in our inter-independecy

2

My 2nd husband and last boyfriend were malignant narcissists. Will NEVER go through that again.

Usually I'm the one with mental health issues (Borderline Personality and possibly PTSD)

2

Ha, too many really.
Ex wife was always very self centred, it got out of control and we ended up in court, she was jealous of my kids (they are hers as well), took out a violence order against me and had kids taken away. The court ordered an evaluation of her state of mind after finding her claims were unfounded (her only claim was that I looked at her in a way that caused fear).
She was diagnosed with an acute anti social personality disorder, things got worse, kids and I left and I got a divorce. Next lady hit drugs and booze after leaving me for someone else, and the most resent partner of 14 year ago had major break downs, ok, she was ill and some was from medication, some from blood poisoning, some was just her, cost me a house and a car though. Then there were 2 ladies I vegan seeing when I moved back to this region. Only met with each of them twice, and both informed me after long denials, they were on medication, banned from work, and at risk of being locked up.. I can really pick them.

2

I sympathise.

1

I lost my wife after 12 years also. She never really told me why she left, but I'm sure the reason was she finally realized I wasn't bullshitting her about how absurd I thought the idea of god was that we discussed before marriage. If that is the case, I would consider it that she succumbed to the intentional mental health problems caused by accepting lies as truth.

1

Senior year of high school, my first boyfriend committed suicide.
That sucked. Hard.

@Tecolote It was just another piece of shit in what was already a pretty shitty adolescence. Luckily, I never wanted to check out bad enough to do it myself. I was pretty self-destructive though. For a LONG time. Lots of poor choices. Fortunately, I've had the benefit of 56 trips around the sun to get it all sorted out.

Oh my gosh......what the hell? Not you, particularly. It's just that so many people here have been affected by suicide here. I'm so sorry. Even if it was a thousand years ago, I know the pain will always linger. 😟

1

I think I could classify all 4 of my kids as mentally ill. Their mom isn't far behind. Most have kids by accident, I know I sure did. All of us have had some excellent therapy, we talk and it helps. It's not personal and no one is doing anything to you is what I finally took away from the mental health experience. It really makes me "feel" for people, more inclined to buy em' something to eat, gift em' a drink....be nice.

1

I think I could classify all 4 of my kids as mentally ill. Their mom isn't far behind. Most have kids by accident, I know I sure did. All of us have had some excellent therapy, we talk and it helps. It's not personal and no one is doing anything to you is what I finally took away from the mental health experience. It really makes me "feel" for people, more inclined to buy em' something to eat, gift em' a drink....be nice.

1

Menopause madness has got to be the leading cause of divorce and separations in elderly relationships. Hormones! am I right ladies.

Eh.....not to ruin the levity. I didn't have mood swings (that I KNOW of), but once I started taking hormones for the physical symptoms, menopause doesn't bother me much. It is interesting though--I'm not sure, but I think it removed the curl from my hair DNA.

@BlueWave Unfortunately I wasn't that lucky and drew a worst-case scenario. I begged my X to see a doctor and get some hormones but she had 2 friends that told her they were a waste of time and don't help. She opted to listen to her biased friend thus ending a 16-year relationship. That friend started suffering from acute schizophrenia year later. The other one is bipolar.

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