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25 8

I never wanted to have kids, is that weird?

I like kids, but I was 19 years old when I got a vasectomy. I asked to have it done at 18, but the doctor insisted I go to therapy before he would perform the surgery at my age. I've never regretted it, not even a little. I'm 50 now, and it's not a big issue anymore, but I just wonder if anyone thinks I missed out on anything. As far as I can see, all I missed out on is a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Oh and I missed out on an empty bank account.

paul1967 8 Jan 30
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9

I have a son and a daughter, 4 grands and 4 great-grands. I love my family and they are important to me and I have a close relationship with them. I say without hesitation that if I could do it over again, I would NOT have children. It has taken me a lifetime to know and understand who I am. That is my conclusion.

I once asked my devout Catholic father if he had it to do over again, how many children would he have (he had 5). He looked at me and said that he loved every one of us. I told him that I know that, but how many would he have. He said two, maybe three. I didn't have the heart to ask which ones would he have kept.

@kiramea It would not have been any choice of his, it would just be random chance.

I agree completely. I absolutely love my children but if I had to go back in time, I don't think I would have had them. I feel horrible saying that but it has just taken so much of "me" out of me.

8

Thanks so much for your post. I know exactly how you feel. Most people around me are having rivers of babies and sometimes I feel like a freak for having zero interest in kids. My marriage is ending because he thought I would change my mind.

U always wonder why people feel they have the right to "change" the other person's mind

It's funny you said that. Part of my reason for posting this is that I'm starting a serious relationship with someone who has three teen kids. Oh dear lord what have I done lol. I know for the first time in my life what it means to be "IN LOVE" a concept I always thought I understood, but I recognize now what the difference is between being in love and loving someone. With Christine, I am in love with her, I love her and like her, as my best friend, so there's no doubt she's worth it.

I'm so sorry your husband was misguided, @UrsiMajor, and know that you are not a freak! It's a shame that it's sometimes so hard to be true to yourself.

I agree with @Lauren. Your husband was not honest about how important it was to him. Plus, people should NEVER think that they can change, persuade the other person, it just leads to trouble later.

You are better off...believe it.

8

No its not weird. I felt the same way and I still do. I'm past the point of being able to have them. Everyone said I'd regret this. They were wrong. I feel like I dodged a bullet.

LMFAO I heard those same exact words, and I feel the same way you do everytime I'm in a department store I thank that none existent God that I was spared the kid bullet.

6

Not everyone wants or needs to be a parent. I suspect you may have been subjected to the stories of the wonders of parenthood and a lot of teasing. You made a choice that was good for you and you have no regrets so it was the right choice. Much respect. 🙂

Betty Level 8 Jan 30, 2018

Well the thing that did it for me is that my mother put a curse on me (being hyperbolic.) When I was about 16 my mother said, "Just wait, one day you will have a kid just like you and you will be in my shoes dealing with a person just the way you are now." She said that tongue and cheek and not in a mean way. I immediately said "Oh no I won't," She laughed thinking I was kidding but I was completely serious.

@paul1967

LOL, My mom said the same thing to me when I was a kid. I had one child and stopped. Mama didn't rais no fool. LOL 😛

5

I think you know your own mind. Some of us are self-aware about certain things even when we're relatively young. Not all of us are meant to become parents. Hell, not everyone who is a parent should be a parent. I'm sure lots of people will tell you that you "missed out", but I don't think you did. I commend you for being strong enough to follow your own mind and not giving in to those who think they "know better".

5

Not at all weird. What's weird is when people have babies because other people think they should.

Thank you! It's genuinely not that I don't like kids I just don't want the responsibility that NEEDS to be there when you make that commitment. I think it parenthood was forced on me I'd be a good father, but given the choice, I would rather be an excellent uncle

5

I never wanted kids, got married on condition of no kids, exs had a biological clock go off, and I agreed. Kids are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I tried to have a vasectomy after my son was born, but as I was under 30 they refused. Since then it hasn't been necessary as any women I have been with are no longer able to have kids. I believe I would have remained quite happy not having kids, but wouldn't be without them now. Thankfully I am comfortable with my poverty.

Just to be clear for someone who might read this, they can't refuse but they can force you to have a year of therapy before they do it.

@paul1967 You were really young to make such a final decision - but people make even bigger decisions at young ages. I don't think waiting one year with - I presume a therapist to approve what you wanted? Was a bad thing. Sounds like a decent Dr? Just in case something had scarred you into wanting that and later you would have changed your mind, - My best friend growing up liked dolls way more than I did - but knew from a very early age that she did not want children. So I'm aware it can be an feeling formed at a very young age. - Good luck with those teens! They can be brutal. I speak from knowledge of my nephews losing their Dad to Cancer and than my Sister started dating. Oh boy! They do love the fellow she married - but the poor guys before that.

@RavenCT I was ok with the therapy. I've been going since I was five years old, so it was old hat for me. The insanity was that they think it's ok to send me to war at 18 to kill people I have no issue with, but I need a year of therapy to get a vasectomy, and I told them that. All I got was a shoulder shrug which I found to be insulting.

@paul1967 This thought occurred to me. Was with a driver the other day and he talked about being in Viet Nam and not being able to drink. It's just backwards. They actually came up with a low alcohol beer for these people were he lived I think it was Ohio? And yes you were being dismissed. That's insulting.

4

Your Choice. But your own flesh and bone one day will accomplish something that will make everything worthwhile. I am into dancing. My son finds it cool that he can go out to dance to a salsa club and if his parents are in town even if not together... his parents throw down in the dance floor too. And watching my son coming from Vegas to see me on my birthday on Maryland and attend the Bachata Salsa Dance Congress in DC and he swept the floor as a tall "new meat" stranger made me proud. I am looking forward to many years of seeing him continue dancing. He dances in a Dance Company. He already level up and did things never occurred to me on doing. Your Choice but you took away part of the fun of being a full experienced human.

You might be right, or maybe he/she will be the cause of the destruction of the universe. My point is this world is full of parents who had kids thinking they would grow up to be successful, independent, wonderful adults. I look around, and I don't see much of that. I will say that had no part in my decision not to have kids

@paul1967 Hey if you want Mankind to end with you. Go ahead... pull the plug, push the button... We Like it Here.... We Like our Children... and We Love The Joy They Bring Us. You don't need to be participant and that is okay too. It is your life. Enjoy your life without them. I enjoy the fact my kids like me despite being this unconventional type of a parent without inhibitions. Don't be afraid of being a failure as a parent... most of us have that Fear. It is another part of the full human experience... Like everything else in life... is not for Everyone. So Rock On and Party Without Worry of Children... I can dig that. You No Weird.

@GipsyOfNewSpain I think you might have misunderstood me, I'm not critical of anyone who wants kids. I think it's great and probably very rewarding. Humankind will survive just fine with or without my offspring. I would protect that button (as you put it) with my life. I would freely sacrifice myself to protect the world from its demise. So I'm not clear on what you meant by that.

@paul1967 I am sorry if I misunderstood you... you said "or maybe he/she will be the cause of the destruction of the universe", I am the half full glass kind of guy that will think instead... maybe he/she will be the one that stop the destruction of the universe. Children are a Large Responsibility, In my case regardless of age until I die.

@GipsyOfNewSpain Ah yeah I wasn't very clear. You said; "Your own flesh and bone one day will accomplish something that will make everything worthwhile." and I was saying yes they might, but they could also turn out to be a terrible person. I was being hyperbolic and not very clear when I said; "or maybe he/she will be the cause of the destruction of the universe." My point is that not everyone is built to parent and even if you are you can still have kids that don't function well in society. I'm not a bad guy, at least I don't think I am, but I'm a bit more selfish than a parent needs to be. I don't know if that would change if I ever had a child, but knowing myself the way I do, I wouldn't want to risk it. It wouldn't be fair to my potential son or daughter.

@paul1967 There is nothing wrong with that... I am as selfish as word "I" right now. And you and your mate able to do whatever whenever without worry of being caught by a child is priceless. I always say I am lucky I don't have to go and visit my children in sanatorium, hospital, prison or graveyard. I have all kind of negative kinks and worries about the situation. So you and your partner choosing to live a life without parenthood worries is great as far I am concerned. Is Your Free Choice to pick how to live your life within your means and parenthood is not a requirement. So you you two are not weird. You are product of the times you live in and what you make out of those times is your prerogative and yours alone. Live life and 40 years from now tell your adventures to a new generation. That is why I am doing here now.

4

Right there with you. I never felt the urge to reproduce. I got a vasectomy a decade ago...then I married a woman with two kids. Go fig. I believe in nurture more than nature.

I'm involved and I will likely marry a woman with three kids, I think stepdad is something I can handle.

4

I didn't want kids, but my wife did, and now I am glad I got them.

4

i never wanted children, if at first only for selfish reasons. but it took a rather life-changing accident for me to have my tubes tied at 34. i never regretted it, looking at the way people give up their life for their kids. but i reckon these days i'd make a better parent than most - knowing that children who have not been educated in the phenomena of boundaries become entitled, demanding, angry adults.

4

It's normal

3

I commend people who know they don't want kids and stick with that. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. And that's ok!

3

Never had a biological clock ticking, I like kids, enjoyed watching my neighbors 4 year old when she got out of pre-school before mom got off work. Just never felt the urge to have any of my own. I don't think I missed anything.

3

No, is not.
I never wanted kids (I don't have kids) and I knew this since I was a preteen.
BTW, I has been brandised with every name you can imagine...from savage to bad woman.
A friend asked what I would do if my hubby wanted kids....and I told her that a man who wanted to be a father would never be my husband.

3

no im 56 and haven't had any that I made. I don't think this is a great earth we are leaving kids to sort out.

Agreed, which is one reason of many for my decision not to have kids. I will say that it's a lesser reason, but still an important one.

it's not my only reason either

2

You did what was best for you! Not for anyone else. End of story! ❤️

2

Not everyone likes kids (I don't). I had one child when I was a teen, and never had another. Oh, I love her, but if I hadn't been stupid and got pregnant, I don't think I would have had children. You don't miss what you don't have. I always say, the reason pets are better than kids is because they die in 15,20 years. Yeah, a lot of folks don't think that is funny, but I think it's HILARIOUS!!

1

My oldest son and his wife have never wanted kids, besides my daughter-in-law has a disorder that having children could kill her. Even with that, no doctor in their bohunk Texas town would do a tubal on her.

My youngest son really doesn't want children either. I have told all my children that I'm in no hurry to become a grandmother, and if they didn't want children that was okay with me. It really pisses me off when I hear people tell me that their parents are harping on them to have children (my ex-boyfriend's mom was one of those people). Children are a HUGE responsibility and that responsibility should not be taken lightly.

If she has not - suggest she go to another State for the surgery. When it's life threatening it's nothing to mess around with. Almost lost my niece and my grand niece to pregnancy complications. She had no idea about her pre-existing condition at the time,

She was considering going to Mexico but decided against it. She has had her uterus removed so now she doesn't have to worry about it.

I agree with @RavenCT, but I would also bring a lawsuit against them. They can't deny you medical treatment in life-threatening situations like hers. Look up The Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act. It states; The Federal Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act (EMTALA), is part of the Consolidated Omnibus Reconciliation Act (COBRA). EMTALA.com offers a summary of its provisions. The Act applies to all hospitals in the United States and its territories. It sets out the laws governing facilities that provide emergency medical care.

The EMTALA requires hospital E.R. staff to provide medical treatment to all people with real emergency medical conditions, regardless of the person’s ability to pay (or offer medical insurance). Illegal denial of treatment may subject the medical provider to disciplinary action.

There is more to it than immediate medical emergencies. It extends to all the stuff she's dealing with and more.

This was over 20yrs ago, so the statue of limitations is long gone. I do know for a fact at that time Texas physicians would routinely refuse to tie a woman's tubes or preform vasectomies on men if they were single or very young (in their 20's). This may have changed now, but with Texas being so backwards I doubt it.

1

Really liked the Attenborough and tree posts. Didn't have kids partly for environmental reasons but mostly because I recognized how fucked up I was and didn't want to pass that on like my parents passed it on to me. Lately have realized that I don't need children to pass on something of myself.

That's one major reason I didn't want them.My three major reasons I didn't have kids are, first I'm just too damn selfish and second I'm too damn selfish and third I'm too damn selfish. The bonus reason is, I like spending money on things I want which makes me too damn selfish to have kids.

0

I think its a personal choice. Too many people who have kids shouldn't! I couldn't habe kids. At times it bothers me. Most of the time no. I adopted my adult daughter.
I think as long as your happy and Don't feel that longing of regret this is a nonissue

0

You may miss the company of your grandchildren when you get older. I love the company of mine most of the time and when I get tired of them I send them home after spoiling them rotten of course.

0

That seems perfectly normal to me. I have never understood how someone could do that to themselves on purpose.

0

I actually feel kind of bad about this because I just always thought as kids a burden and annoying, yet there are people out there who desperately wants them but can’t have them. I’ve never been the type that was in awe every time I saw a baby in public nor cared to even hold it unless the mother offered as I didn’t want to be rude. I don’t think you’re weird at all.

0

Weird? Actually, @Paul1967, I find you to be wise, self-aware, and responsible!

This is one of my hot buttons, and it should be no surprise to me that so many logical freethinkers who have bucked society’s religious indoctrination are agreeing with your decision about bucking society’s parenting indoctrination ... but it pleases me a lot nonetheless. 🙂

I love being a parent. Always loved kids. Wanted five of them but it didn’t work out that way so I only have one biological child. Some of you have heard me mention the daughters of my heart, and I love all of them, too, and have been their “shield” while they grew up. But each one of them is a reason why some people should not be parents. The only thing that stops me from REALLY being angry at some of their parents is the knowledge that they probably didn’t have the ability to resist society’s pressure to have kids, and they’re dealing with a lot of simmering resentment as a result.

I have a long list of friends who got married thinking their partner would change their minds about having children ... and some acquaintances who forced their partner to make that “choice” by getting pregnant. It usually doesn’t end well. I find motherhood immensely gratifying, but I can understand that it isn’t what everyone will find rewarding.

So, Paul, I think it’s wonderful that you can express your opinion on this. It may give someone else the confidence to live their life being true to themselves. (Sorry for being so wordy!)

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