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Can I talk about my feelings for a bit?

Ever since I've become an atheist, I feel... I don't know. Weird. And I can't talk about it with my mom because I know she'll just say I'm going through a crisis of faith and need to return to Jesus. This is really bothering me because I used to be able to tell her everything. Now I can't.

I also don't know what to do from here on out. I feel like I'm breaking up with God, and... I just don't know. On the one hand, I want to go running back. I have friends in church, I had good times there. My faith was such an important part of my life, and that was even how I discovered my love of theatre. The cross holds a special place in my heart, and I'll never forget how happy I was in there...

... Or how paranoid. You see, with the good always came the bad. I had friends, but I couldn't talk to them without getting passive-aggressively reprimanded. Christianity was a game of cat and mouse. I became afraid of my own mind. I thought things... And I immediately banished those thoughts from my brain. For so long, I thought I could go to hell if I so much as thought ' what if these people are wrong?'. So, I won't be going back. I have severed myself completely.

I just feel like I need something to fill the hole, y'know? Did anyone else ever go through this?

imahermit 5 Oct 11
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68 comments

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2

If you need to feel your membership in a church, temple, or mosque will somehow justify things, maybe you just like lies and fairytales to justify your existence. I can not see how being lied to about the false beliefs that come from the area of so many wars, could make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside then by all means go ahead and believe their falsehoods and live the lie of a believer.

That's a lil extreme...

0

Holds out both hands.. in one hand is a blue pill.. in the other hand is a red pill.

And what a jagged little pill the red one was.

5

Well, that's the entire point of this site. To provide a community for atheists who've been alienated from their local community and who need the company of their fellow "heathens". And to provide support for those who are going through a crisis, like you are.

Now... I've pretty much always been an atheist. I was impervious to the pressure I faced in primary school, I'd stopped reciting the Lord's Prayer by 6. So perhaps I'm not the best person to talk about this. But I can say that there are a lot of people who've been through the exact same things you have, and they'll always be here to help.

But for my tuppence, don't go back to religion for the sake of comfort. You'll never be rid of doubt, and it'll keep gnawing away at you. Intellectual honesty is more important.

Word

2

No, I haven’t. This isn’t an all or none scenario.
You e been raised religious. You don’t have to cut ties. Give it some time. You are breaking up with Jesus and God. That will take time, don’t rush. You won’t have many people to talk to about it unless you go to college. There you will likely find mass hordes of non believers. Normal transgression don’t sweat it. It’s a Brave New World.

PS you can’t go to hell... there isn’t one....
?

@darthfaja This doesn’t get said nearly enough.

0

Yes! I was raised in church and it still seems so odd to have Sundays "to myself" (I work weekends and have an 8yo, no day is to myself). But more than that is the community. The UU (Unitarian universalist church) accepts all fairths, or lack thereof, and provides that sense of community. I personally found it in our home school co-op.

Thank you! I'll try them out!

1

Nope. I was glad to be rid of the church and to stop having to justify an obviously misogynistic, blood-thirsty Hebrew god who told us to love and obey him or burn forever. Even Jesus said that.

As for Christians, they are miserable, filled with fear of hell, only coming to church and going through the motions to keep up peer approval.

Hehe... Yeah. It's just sad to think about how many friends of mine are in that circuit though.

0

Some people's Canmore live with out religion, others cannot live with it, just try to not lose the friend s even if you don't want to mess with the church now

I'll try... Thing is they'll probably proselytize to me. That's what they've been taught to do.

1

The post below me... "There is no shame in survival" I feel is the best thing posted here. You are 18 and presumably living with your parents. Do what you need to do to survive! That doesn't help... I know. But the only thing that is going to help you here, I feel, is time. You need time to sort out your own feelings. Those feelings are ones that need to originate from within YOU. In my mind, having someone here tell you what to do is just as bad as having the church tell you what to do... You need to discover on your own what path is best for you! It's not easy and sometimes it is downright SCARY... But that is what we all face at some point.

Tell your friends and family that you need space to get through this and that if they push... They risk pushing you away and YOU don't want that... They shouldn't either.

Come back here and read and post. I never went through what you are going through... I had different life experiences. But others here have and I would think it would be a great support group for you to help figure things out!

Thank you

1

If you're an atheist that means you don't believe in a god or gods. You're not breaking up with a real person, you're breaking up with your indoctrination. It's healthy! Now go for a walk in the woods!

jafbm Level 5 Oct 12, 2018
0

When I first acknowledged that the god I'd been taught to believe in couldn't possibly exist, my first feelings were that God had betrayed me. Which was super weird because I was feeling like a being that I knew didn't exist had betrayed me....

Religion messes with your head. You will work through these things over time.

Meili: Great reply. Tracy Harris on The Atheist Experience talks in very same language about her de-conversion. It seems that you tear away the conditioning one thread at a time an so, some are still entangled while others are detached, making it a lengthy, messy process. I've heard it said it takes years to stop the internal dialogues. You are very understanding.

6

Dear imahermit,
You are entitled to feel any way you feel, and yes, this is a great place to share. Smart young woman!

I never went through this, so I can't offer any personal advice, but I heard a podcast recently and there was an author 3/4 way through it who is a therapist for people who are leaving the faith. Her name is Marlene Winell. She has a website and books. She's awesome. What you're experiencing is called Religious Trauma Syndrome. It's very real, and entirely common.

Seth Andrews: Religious Trauma Syndrome -

Her website is journeyfree.org/rts. She says it's not that easy to unprogram, but it happens. I think you'll relate to her. This is a little from her site:

*Religious Trauma Syndrome has a very recognizable set of symptoms, a definitive set of causes, and a debilitating cycle of abuse. There are ways to stop the abuse and recover.

Symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome:

• Cognitive: Confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability & self-worth, black & white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making

• Emotional: Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning

• Social: Loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental tasks

• Cultural: Unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)

Causes of Religious Trauma Syndrome:

Authoritarianism coupled with toxic theology which is received and reinforced at church, school, and home results in:

• Suppression of normal child development – cognitive, social, emotional, moral stages are arrested

• Damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities -information is limited and controlled; dysfunctional beliefs taught; independent thinking condemned; feelings condemned

• External locus of control – knowledge is revealed, not discovered; hierarchy of authority enforced; self not a reliable or good source

• Physical and sexual abuse – patriarchal power; unhealthy sexual views; punishment used as for discipline*

From Me: Kayakwoman

You're still young, so you have every chance to heal from this. I would recommend that wherever you go for college, there will be college therapists who specialize in the kind of adjustments all freshman make when leaving home. Don't hesitate to walk right in and ask for help. That's why they're there. They love to help young people because you have so much potential to heal and really become your best self!

One thing from me, personally: You can make your own promise to yourself to always be your best advocate, and trust your own instincts, and always do what's best for yourself. Part of the religious conditioning starts with undermining your own confidence in your own powers: So, I'll just say that I believe in you, not imaginary spooks in the sky. You should believe in yourself, too!!!

BIG HUG!!!

Religious Trauma Syndrome: wow! Never heard about it before but damn, it really makes sense!

0

These may help...(also see many of the posts here, as many have & are going through the same things)

1

Yes, I found that losing my faith felt almost like a bereavement. I knew for a long time that the Bible made no sense and that religion was more about people and control, than God and answers. After I finally admitted to myself that my belief was failing I felt guilty and lost.

I did feel like I should replace religion with something, but I never found that something... And after some time, I found it no longer needed replacing. I just healed.

It was, however, a while before I felt like my social life had recovered. Sadly most of my religious friends couldn't let me be an atheist... And I found it harder to not try to save them from the church, so eventually I lost contact with most of them. I have wonderful friends now, that I made naturally in the course of life. Some are believers and some are not, but we met outside of religion, so it's never been a defining factor in our relationship.

My advice to you- don't feel like you have to be happy about leaving your faith behind right now, it is hard when you have had a life intertwined with it. But, don't be afraid to look forwards, you will feel better in the future, and you will slowly meet people who are friends with you, not your belief in God. Eventually you will love your freedom of mind, you will wonder how you ever lived under the shadow of faith. You will find a beautiful world of people who want to live for life's sake, and not just for the reward of death.

Bereavement...yes, exactly. I appreciate you giving it a word that makes sense. I never thought of that word with this...but that’s exactly what it is. I did grieve my journey away. It was like losing a part of how I identified. It’s not supposed to be easy, I guess. 🙂

1

Religions are set up to play on your fears to keep you in line. If you don't do this, that will happen. Be good or pay the consequences. Be good or go to hell when you die. It's bunk. When you die, you'll go where everything else goes, wherever that is. Your parents have your best interest at heart. They don't think they're lying to you, even if they're mistaken. What I'm saying is, don't worry. Relax. Life is for living and enjoying. Not everything in religion is wrong. The Golden Rule is not a bad thing or a bad way to go. Just don't let the religious stress you out. All just my opinion. Not to be confused with fact.

1

In effect, it IS like breaking up. Long-term relationships and circumstances sort of create and exist within a certain version of yourself and how you identify psychologically. When that changes, there's a period of adjustment where you have to reform your identity, and you're having to grieve the parts of that you which were lost. And grieve all the things that become separate of the new self you're trying to form. And toxic relationships, especially ones which have a direct influence on every other aspect of your life and social sphere, can require even more of a grief and rebuild process because the last version of the self it has to go on is dysfunctional and fails to provide any useful or helpful framework for the new self.

The answers are vaguely unhelpful things like 'time' and 'be patient' and 'you're young, these crises of identity are normal and part of your growth' and so on. But you left for a reason, and now the priority is creating a self that no longer relies entirely on that single aspect, and you have the ability to do it more on your terms. And maybe you'll decide to go back one day, but especially if it's all you've ever know it's important to acquire and develop new perspectives before making grand, lasting existential assertions of the the self.

1

i feel for you, but no, i did not go through it. i didn't have to leave any church, for example. i was raised in a secular jewish family and i came to the realization, age 15, that there were no gods. this was a surprise but not a shock. it didn't even seem worthy of announcing -- i mean,to whom? who would care whether or not i believed in a god? my life didn't change on account of that.

g

2

Yes, I know how you feel, the I have a Hole feeling, needing to fill it. You'll learn more, grow more, and realize that "inner hole" is what makes us great as human beings-- we are always striving for more. Religion will fill it for a little while but it'll always be there, pushing us, motivating us to DO BETTER.

Religion is for those of us that NEED that kind of structure, because not a lot of people can figure out what's right from wrong on their own.

I feel your pain of being separate from your friends and those experiences, been there. There are a whole lot of people out there to meet, go and meet some. Talk to the weird kid; compliment the person that you would never think to talk to, they ALL have similar thoughts as you, but you won't know them until you talk to them and make nice, etc. Bookstores are a good place to start.

I hope this helps!

1

My transformation experience was gradual: from "Christianity isn't working for me; I'll find another system that works"--through of a couple of intermediate steps--ultimately arriving at "I don't need another 'system' like that; I can get my needs for those kinds of things (e.g. meaning, purpose, connectedness, etc.) met from other quarters of my life."

I have the advantage of having never been particularly hung up on conventions, so it's pretty easy for me to make sustitutions and translations across domains like this.

6

I am curious about this need (requirement) to fill a hole. When all four of my wisdom teeth were pulled (seemingly, against nature), nothing but gauze was given to me to fill those holes. Similarly, when we learn, perhaps for the first time, that Santa Claus was not a real person after all, and didn't ride in a flying sleigh, climb down chimneys, bring us presents, and didn't know what we were thinking, we may have been relieved, or, in some cases, left wanting. And yet, we know that there is no replacement for a wisdom tooth or Santa Claus. There is simply removal (elimination), and moving on.

It's perfectly alright to miss all that you found comforting in your life of faith. I too broke up with God, initially. After re-reading the Bible, I angrily demanded that Jehovah account for himself. No reply, of course. And then the Son didn't seem to answer me either, and so I began to wonder if I wasn't just praying to myself, much like talking to myself. It took years and the reading of many books (both critical and apologetic) for me to gradually emerge from the murkiness and gloom that was my brand of faith. And even then, there remained a tinge of nostalgia. In the words of Julian Barnes, "I don't believe in God, but I miss him."

But later, at some point, there was this "Aha moment." It's like, "Wait, you mean to tell me that ....?" To which I added, "Well, that makes no sense at all!" And from then on I felt 'cured' of this imposition on our minds that we call "Religion!" Logic and reason had won over credulity and tradition. Improved thinking acts as a vaccine against weaker thinking, and once you know a fact, or see a fraud, you can no longer 'un-learn' or 'un-see' what you have witnessed. I wish you the best, in deepest empathy, as you go about charting your own course. It was not easy for me, but in the end, rewarding. Do not give up on yourself. Peace.

3

Yes I had that empty spot for years, maybe decades, but as another commenter mentioned, you really can fill it with accurate information. It just takes time, but it definitely gets better. Best wishes.

skado Level 9 Oct 12, 2018
1

You do need new friends and new pursuits. It will take time, after all you were a practicing Christian for all long time. Good luck, and now you have all of us.

3

I've been atheist for so long that I can't begin to imagine what you feel like, but perhaps an analogy might help. Through my lifetime I been through varied mental health counseling; ADD, anxiety, who knows what else, and the resulting depression. One therapist described to me the difference between understanding something intellectually, and understanding something emotionally: it's not the same thing. I get intellectually what's going on with me, but I'm not getting it emotionally. It's the same thing with you. You understand intellectually the fallacy in the belief in God, but you are still struggling emotionally with it. But I can assure you that time will take of this as it had with me.

godef Level 7 Oct 12, 2018
5

There is no shame in survival.

I knew I was an Atheist at the age of six but quickly discerned that was not an acceptable thing to voice.

I went on to win almost ALL the Bible Verse award BS.

Adaptive colorization is a thing.

4

You need support and some new friends but I never felt this way at all. Maybe that's because I am a loner.

0

The God myth can be difficult to get over.

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