A lifelong atheist was walking along a clifftop one day, when suddenly a gust of wind blew him over the edge. He was able to grab at a tree-root that was sticking from the cliff-face, but unable to climb back to safety. He looked down at the rocks, 300 metres below, and, although he had never been a believer, began to pray.
"Oh Lord!" he said "Forgive me for not having believed in you before, but can you please help me in this, my hour of need."
To his surprise a voice came down from the skies above:
"Have faith, my child, and let go of the tree-root"
He thought about this and then said:
"Ermm, are there any other Gods up there?"

my all-time fave:

mother earth is cruising the milkyway, & when she meets another planet they stop for a chin wag.
"how's it goin?" she asks.
"yeah, pretty swell. how 'bout yourself?" the other replies.
mother earth goes, sniffling: "aw, not so great. i've currently got homo sapiens."

L L ! not pc, which i really appreciate, living in timid oz.

Man's stranded on an island in the ocean, off in the distance he see an approaching boat and starts waving his arms wildly. The man in the boat sees the island and yells 'LAND!!'

Bear with me.

A duck waddles into a bar, hops up on a barstool, and says, "Hey, bartender, got any grapes?" The bartender says "Nope!" The duck says, "Okay," and waddles out.

Twenty minutes later, the duck waddles back in, hops up on a barstool, and says, "Hey, bartender, got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I still don't have any grapes." The duck says, "Okay," and waddles out.

Twenty minutes later, the duck waddles back in, hops up on a barstool, and says, "Hey, bartender, got any grapes?" The bartender says, "Look, buddy, this is a bar, not a grocery store. I don't have any grapes, I never have had any grapes, and I never will have grapes. Come in here again and ask me for grapes, and I'll nail your little webbed feet to the bar top, got it?" The duck says, "Okay," and waddles out.

Twenty minutes later, the duck waddles back in, hops up on a barstool, and says, "Hey, bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "Nope!" So the duck says, "GREAT!! Do you have any grapes?"

Whats black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?
a nun with a javelin threw her neck

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Why doesn't Jesus eat m&ms........They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Hey, what's green and wears a stethoscope? Mucus Welby M.D.

A U.S. Marshall drives into an Indian Reservation. He sees an elderly Indian mending a fence and says, "I'm here to see if there is any illegal marijuana being grown on this here reservation". The tribal elder says "ok, but don't go in that field over there." The Marshall gets in the Indians face and says, "See this badge. This badge says I'm a U.S. Marshall and that means I can go anywhere I want, get it?" The elder just nods his head and goes back to mending his fence. A few minutes later the Marshall is running through the field screaming Help, Help! a bull charging after him. The old Indian stands and yells, "Show him your badge".

Part 1: The Dalai Lama walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Part 2: The Dalai Lama pays for the hotdog with a twenty dollar bill and walks away. The vendor calls after him, “Hey, what about your change?” The Dalai Lama replies, “Change comes from within.”

It took me a few seconds to see this one, [ which surprised me when I finally woke up ] Thanks for the joke.

I like it