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When to write a man off?

I waffle on this a lot having just re-entered the dating world about a year ago. You have a solid first date. Then radio silence. What’s an acceptable amount of time to give him? What’s an acceptable amount of time before you cross him off the list as a non-starter?

For context: no, I’m not waiting by the phone. I’ve had men text that night and had men vanish for 6 weeks and resurface. And I am dating around plenty. So, this is not a pity party. It’s... for science.
#ididntdateinhighschool

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brainyactress 7 Dec 4
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44 comments

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1

Would you contact him? And if not why not?

Because he said he was going to and as much as I hate it, the slightest pursuit of a man before six dates always marks a lady as “not serious material.”

@brainyactress I wouldn't mind a mild pursuit by a woman, but I guess that means I'm not a typical man. At the same time, I don't lie or play games so if I said I would send my phone number I would have done so within 24 hours after the date. How much time has passed since this first date? I agree with the other poster that until I actually see someone the second time it's best to have little or no expectations that the second meeting or date is going to happen no matter what was said in person the last time because women often say they want to see a man again to avoid confrontation or embarrassment of being put on the spot. I also agree with the other poster that nowadays it's so hard to read many people on a date as to how it went or was going, so many guys do assume the date went not that well until they hear otherwise from the woman or see her again. As someone posted in another thread, dating is really hard these days partly because so many women never let their guard down so it's not always easy to read them on dates.

My vote for dropping interest in him is not hearing anything for three days. Has it already been that long? If he contacts you in a week, my vote would be let him go no matter what reasons he gives for the delay since he would probably be lying about the cause and was clearly not as into you as you had been into him.

8

It's been said that it takes about a year before a person feels comfortable enough to let their guard down and show their true self. You can't expect to get to know someone in a few dates. If you really want to get to know someone quickly, live with them. That'll tell you a lot about a person really quick! People need to realize that not everyone moves as quick (or slow) as other people. That excitement that some feel when they first meet someone often fades over time. I like to call this NRE (New Relationship Energy). It's that primal urge/instinct to copulate. Succumb to the urges of pleasure. I like sex as much as the next guy (maybe even more), but I'm not interested in anything that isn't genuine and long term/life long when it comes to a relationship. So if you are expecting me to be all over that after just a few dates... well, it's gonna be a disappointing start to a budding relationship.

Your comment pretty much nails it.

I’m expecting him to reach out because he said he would. I don’t expect to move in with him. Gosh, y’all!

@brainyactress Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who will just tell you what they think you want to hear rather than be honest.

On the other hand, if you're truly interested you've got to be authentic about it or risk losing out, right?

6

I want to thank all the people who voted for parking outside his home. ??

Please don't stalk it only perpetuates the penis perpetrators

6

If a man doesn’t contact you pretty much fairly soon, he’s just not that into you. Especially if a man comes out of the woodwork six weeks later. There was another offer on the table that didn’t pan out.

No, no, Mr. Six Weeks didn’t get a response at all. Mr. six Days is a harder read.

@brainyactress I agree with that.. I opted for three days as the cut off for me. I’m too old for games. You either want to see me again or you don’t. Im very pragmatic like that.

Nobody should tolerate being on a date list or little black book...2 timer triple timing hareem hoarder is a germ typhoid Mary waiting to infest all of us

@GreenAtheist Huh?

@brainyactress respectful dating is not silent or evasive

6

I chose being a stalker... because it's hilarious & well, I like hiding in the bushes.... ???
But seriously I'd give it a few days at least

I think I love you!

@RiverRick Awesome! I’m at the door.

5

If I feel they are uninterested and not responding for a few days, I'll come right out and ask if there is interest so that nobody is wasting their time. No response, is a response.

5

You don’t wait!!
You keep moving on until you are happy
You’re not happy if you are waiting

It’s not so much hanging on. I’m wondering what’s a good deadline to refuse to respond to future contacts. Like if I never hear from him again, whatevs. But what if he calls at 10 days? A month? I have a date tonight and two other established beaus, so there’s no waiting around. Just trying to figure it all out.

@brainyactress 3 - 6 days is not unreasonable. If a man waited 10 days to call me after a first date, I'd be asking him to remind me how we know one another.

4

If you like someone let them go. If they come back then you have something to further develop. If not then there was never anything to begin with.

But how long do I give them to come back. That’s the question. At what point does my ship sail?

@brainyactress If it's not worth waiting for then it's not worth having.

@Nevermind345 If women waited like that for men, we would never stop waiting.

3

I'll give them 24 hours. If things went well and they're truly interested, they should be excited to continue speaking with you. If they stop talking to you after the first date, then it's time to move on and focus your energy on someone worth your time.

3

I would expect some sort of contact within 24 hrs. Have you contacted him? If at least one of you isn't excited enough about the encounter to follow up then its probably a nonstarter. Not saying I would write him off completely, just move on in my head.
If you really aren't waiting by the phone at all and it is for science because you really don't care then mabey you should just let it be.

MsAl Level 8 Dec 4, 2018

No, I agree. It’s just between scheduling and kids and work, I almost need a spreadsheet to keep up with the people in my life. Those spaces are valuable. Just figuring out the sweet spot for who gets my psychic energy and who gets deleted. There seems to be no in between.

3

What would I know? #ididn'tdateinhighschooleither

Right?!

@brainyactress apparently, there are rules ...

3

I voted for 24 hours. If they aren’t excited, than it isn’t a match.
Shyness/anxiety could forgive a few days. But a week? Then I’m a fallback.
Compatibility is fickle.

2

Always go into things with no expectations, only what’s in the moment...Enjoy that time for what it is.

WXYZ Level 4 Dec 8, 2018

@Shelton I think that when we let go of expectations we can then enjoy what is there

I take this a bit too far perhaps, and always assume Im going to be stood up. With this in mind I schedule meets for places I'd enjoy if I went alone. It makes sense to me.

@Hellas I had one person ditch me, I try to keep it convenient and simple. Of course that was the one time the meeting place was more complicated...It was upsetting.

2

I would have put Two days but it was not a option. If a guy is truly interested then he won't wait that long to talk again.

Yeah, I've read that in the internet dating age the 3-day-rule is obsolete.

2

Christ on a bike! Guess who just slid into my DMs?! See this is where my question lies. A solid week of no contact WHEN HE SPECIFICALLY SAID HE WAS GOING TO SEND ME HIS NUMBER SO WE MIGHT TEXT. I liked the date but am I rewarding bad behavior? I want people who are into me. Is he just not really?! Gah! Dating, y’all! It ain’t for the weak... just the crazy. ????

well, if you really liked the date, you are only restricting yourself with all these thoughts! I mean why him contacting first gotta be the only determining fact if he's into you or not? There are literally thousands of ways to find that out even after you contact him.

I feel it's better to keep the control to yourself rather that falling at others mercy by passing the ball and wait! Live your nickname now, will ya?

He may have been busy or uncertain ... He texted. ... Now decide if you'll respond. ? glad he got back to you.

Therapists have told me we teach people how to treat us by what we allow them to do. If something bothets you, mention it. If it keeps happening, you'll have your answer.

2

I've been talked off, jerked off and blown off. Being written off sounds epic. I can't wait!

2

I think in today's society that women shodul feel free to make a follow up call. Phone lines work in tow diractions. Waiting for HIM to call is giving in to conventions and putting all the power into HIS hands. As a gay man, I'd never let a man have that much dominance over me. If you want equal say in a relationship, you need to establish it right from the start.

You’d think so but as much as I hate to admit it, men hate it. I wish they didn’t. I used to totally pursue whenever I wanted. Men have taught me not to.

@brainyactress Hmmm. I'm feel like I am always the one to initiate.

@Dandewine I used to be. What I’ve learned is that if I back way the hell off and give no pursuit at all besides being kind and polite as called for, they treat me so much better.

@brainyactress I am not saying call many times. Just one call is enough (after 2-3 days). If he still doesn't call, then move on.

2

Okay three days is reasonable, but joining a convent is still the less painful option compared to dating.

Seems like it sometimes... if only I didn’t love men so much.

@brainyactress I know! it sucks doesn't it!

@Kojaksmom That women still love and desire men is proof that sexuality is not a choice.

@brainyactress With all the games women play these days, it goes both ways.....

@TomMcGiverin it does, we know

2

3 days was the old normal.. 6 days of he has a good excuse as to why .

2

#ididn'tdateinhighschooleither - I was engaged in HS and almost no experience dating. I guess I would say I am a serial monogamist - but I voted 6 days.

@maturin1919 Yeah - my parents were kind of absentee and I had no guidance. I was engaged at 16 and made a lot of bad choices back then.

2

This before or after you let them out of the basement ???

[giphy.com]

2

Why hang on for any amount of time?
Most men wouldn’t so why should y’all

It’s not so much hanging on. I’m wondering what’s a good deadline to refuse to respond to future contacts. Like if I never hear from him again, whatevs. But what if he calls at 10 days? A month? I have a date tonight so there’s no waiting around. Just trying to figure it all out.

@brainyactress Well speaking from my personal behavior I can tell you this that if after going out with a woman I felt like that time wasn’t enough then I’d reach right back out.

If I was moderately impressed but I also had others that I was dating then I’d do so in a couple of days.
But if you were ok to hang out with but not someone that I’d want to be in relationship with then I’d reach out whenever.

Or if you were an absolute fucking nightmare I wouldn’t say anything to you but if I was in public and you were to see me then I’d grab the nearest gay guy I could find kiss him squeeze his ass and thank you for helping find my true sexuality. ?

2

Talk to a tax attorney.

???

2

It happens for both sides.
By default I think always that the other person considered the first date a ONS until the second date happens.

1

Why wait at all? If you felt a connection and want to explore the relationship further, just text him and offer a sceond date! If you don't feel that way, who cares if he texts at all?

1

I'm dying,from the join a Convent but in all seriousness 3 days, everyone's worried about not coming off too needy but if he hasnt said anything at all within 3 days, I don't think he's dedicated or interested.

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