Men don't get hints and can't read a woman's body language. Or understand a woman's tone of voice. They misread something and don't do what you want them to do. Why do you have to spell it out for them? Women pick up on hints, body language, and can read into what someone wants, even if they don't come right out and say it. That is why some people fail in relationships, because of the miscommunication. Women have to state the obvious, and sometimes they don't even understand that! My friend with benefits didn't remember I wanted b-day sex. I had planned on coming over, I talked about it. He didn't pick up my saying things of coming over. I told him a long time ago too. So I packed night meds, did my hair, put nice clothing on, got my coat out, etc... All for him to bring me some food at my place. I appreciate the food though. This is the 2nd birthday without b-day sex and it sucks. I had a bad day and I want to go to bed soon so I can have my day off tomorrow. 3rd b-day in a row that was bad. Good night.
I once said to a gay friend of mine (in a relationship) "Surely the best thing about being gay is having a cat in hell's chance of understanding what's going through your partner's mind." His answer? "No. It doesn't work like that. Still no clue."
This isn't necessarily a battle of the sexes. It's just human nature to assume people understand what you understand. I've recently had a whole new (to me) branch of IT dumped on me in work: SQL database maintenance and report writing. I'm from a C++ programming background. My boss thinks that because he can knock up the most basic report in Crystal, I (with my "programming skills" ) should have no problems picking through a much more complex one, written by someone with far more in depth knowledge of the software than either of us. And it happens so often in my world. "You do computers. You must automatically fully understand every piece of hardware and software ever created." And don't get me started on people asking for one thing when they really want something else entirely. They haven't even thought the thing through properly, but you're supposed to know exactly what needs doing.
Expectations vs reality. It just doesn't work like that. So be direct. Make your expecations clear and reasonable. When communications break down, it isn't always just one party that's to blame. If you want someone to make coffee, ask them to make coffee. Don't be surprised when "Put the kettle on" results in them filling it with water and switching it on, so that you can make the coffee when it has boiled.
Have you straight out said' I expect birthday sex.'? Men aren't mind readers and they have different brain chemistry then women so I'm not surprised they don't pick up on hints. Personally, I think the problem is you. Learn to state what you want, then get upset if you don't get it afterwards.
Something I haven't seen mentioned here . I read in some man's magazine about how a man can manipulate a situation . For instance , the magazine said , if your wife asks you to do something , get it completely wrong , so she won't ask you to do it again , ever . If she's working late and the household needs a load of underwear run through the washer , be sure to put a red sock in with all the white laundry . This isn't an accident . This isn't because he didn't know better . It's because he doesn't want to be saddled with anything .
Idk, sometimes in situations I've had to come to the "Are you trying to get me to fire you" approach.
Some people do or don't do things to push someone else to make a decision for them.
If my beloved SO told me they want B day sex you better believe unless I'm horribly ill or some unforeseen circumstance it's done. One year off, ok, 2, uhm, but 3... Just being honest with my .02 I would be thinking he'd want me to "fire" him. We all have to do what's necessary to have skin in the game. Platinum rules.
I just read something about a woman who declined a date with a man who asked her out, then wondered why he didn't try again, or try harder! This kind of bull shit game playing gives women a bad name. For fucks sake, you have a mouth, and hopefully a brain.....use it and SAY what you want!! Men, I'm on your side with this one.
I was out with my wife one night with a good friend and his girlfriend of the time (she is also a good friend).
She asked him to get her a soda from the fridge. He got up and did so.
My wife (who dated him for a while before meeting me) said "hey! Why wouldn't you ever do that for me?!"
His reply? She didn't hint. She asked.
There is something to be said for hinting and romance, especially when it comes to bedroom behavior. There is something to be said for direct communication, especially outside of the bedroom.
Example: I met a gal through an online dating site and we met on a Friday afternoon for an early dinner. During conversation we discovered we are both passionate about chocolate so headed to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate factory after dinner. I didn't know this would be happening but they were setting up a band. I am hard of hearing and I couldn't talk with her in that venue. I turned to her and said "I wouldn't normally do this on a first date but the noise will make talking impossible: your place or mine?" She chose mine and we made our way to my house. We spoke for quite some time that night (not too long but more than an hour). We kissed and she left. No, no real passion in that kiss, just her insisting on a kiss before leaving (note: I liked her, but no spark yet...). We didn't make plans for another date and I fully expected the usual cool off period before progressing... I did NOT expect to do more that weekend.
Saturday, she calls mid day and flirts around to "can I come over?" Sure. No plans for dinner or anything, just swinging by.
When she gets there she reveals that she effectively canceled another date to come see me, flattering. Went directly to "can I stay the night?"
The short of the story is that I said "yes" and hinted at her staying in the guest bedroom, she took it as a joke. We disrobed, fucked, and slept. She was happy. I was... I am still not sure what to say I was feeling.
Y'see, the spark still wasn't there and the way that we went about it, the way she lead us through this 'dance' was the opposite of romantic. There was no careful path to discovery. No "may I?" as your hand furtively searched for 'safe' and 'unsafe' territory while kissing. We skipped right passed heavy petting while watching a movie! We just disrobed, did it, and went to sleep.}
Yeah, I know. We are both adults. Both of us had been married (I am a widower, she was a divorcee) but... c'mon, I still like that romantic thing about sitting in the theater and trying to figure out if it's ok to put my arm around your shoulders or, as one girlfriend put it, have her grab my hand, put it between her legs and cross them (so I got a wonderful feel of warm thigh but my hand was locked into 'neutral', if thrilling, territory). THIS is part of the fun of heavy petting and discovery. Can I? Do you want to? Does this feel good? How are you in a 10 minute kiss? Do you need to come up for air or have you mastered this technique yet?
The hinting, or lack there of, should be in clearing the male minds notion of: is this ok? Please let us know this is NOT rape, or anything the likes there-of. That is the direct, non-romantic language. And it is CRUCIAL in today's world, especially for us romantics who actually do worry about that sort of thing and yes, it is very much ok to say no. The good guys will respect that.
Where does the hinting belong? That is the heavy petting, the caress at the right time. Letting fingers roam, or gently nudging them 'elsewhere' as a coy game of hunt and chase (this one is difficult as it can be read as "NO" when you just want to be a bit of a tease).
Why? Fuck, I don't know. I just know that dropping your clothing on the floor and going at it is -ok- when you are both revved up and ready to go (usually after a lot of teasing heavy petting, right?) while discovery asks for the heavy petting and a slow reveal.
It gets worse after the first time as both of you may well start making assumptions about 'yeah, I want to' or 's/he knows that I am not in the mood tonight.'
Back to your situation: don't hint. Talk to him about it and make sure he still wants "with benefits." It may be that you are still into that and he has moved on. Sad, but it can happen. It may also be that he wants MORE, or wants just to be friends. But, put the question to him and don't let him wiggle out of it... but, WE want to know how he squirms.
Garth Nix talks about some of this so very well in Lightning Bringer. It's a short story he did. See if you can find it and read it. I LOVED her comment to the protagonist, comparing him to the antagonist, at the end... and since it IS the end of the story, and you might just look it up and read it, no, I won't say more so that I do NOT spoil it.
One will tell me, you are too romantically aggressive. One will tell me I'm not assertive enough. One will say, I can open my own doors thank you very much. One will say I never opened any doors. One will like to cuddle all night long, one will want's her space. Here is the punchline I'm speaking of one woman at different times of the month. AND DON"T GET MAD.....it's true you ladies are all over the place, and it takes years to know which ONE we're talking to on any given night. Women are confusing; you're brains are wired dramatically differently than men. Generally speaking, women are complicated, men keep everything simple. For me, I want to come home from work, make dinner together, do the dishes together, watch a show and then go to bed together. I want the small stuff discussed both good and bad. I desire common interests, and I want passion, lust and more than anything an undying friendship. I would say many women, reading this would answer, that sounds great. I would ask you then, why do so few women want that in reality? Even if they say they want it when they have it, they don't want it?
Best to just be upfront and explicit and not to rely on hints. They are often misread, but it can also be due to the lack of skill in transmitting the hint, not just in receiving the hint. Frankly, I hate how some women rely on such subtle signals. Just stick it out there. Besides that, your example using your FWB made it seem like you had communicated explicitly, so seems like a bad example to go along with your question—it seems like your FWB was just not all that bright.
No, we don't and recently it has become more difficult. When I know a woman is interested it seems to be obvious, but sometimes it is nor. I have had several women say, why didn't you try with me, and I could only reply you didn't appear to show any interest in me. You think men are daft? You are only seeing thing from your point of view.
We are Not Clueless... you are simply the hardest animal to figure out on earth. Clue to you... "Is not what you mean to say, is what you say". We men are simple humans wired in series while women are wired in parallel. The sooner you master that concept... the happier you will be.