Men don't get hints and can't read a woman's body language. Or understand a woman's tone of voice. They misread something and don't do what you want them to do. Why do you have to spell it out for them? Women pick up on hints, body language, and can read into what someone wants, even if they don't come right out and say it. That is why some people fail in relationships, because of the miscommunication. Women have to state the obvious, and sometimes they don't even understand that! My friend with benefits didn't remember I wanted b-day sex. I had planned on coming over, I talked about it. He didn't pick up my saying things of coming over. I told him a long time ago too. So I packed night meds, did my hair, put nice clothing on, got my coat out, etc... All for him to bring me some food at my place. I appreciate the food though. This is the 2nd birthday without b-day sex and it sucks. I had a bad day and I want to go to bed soon so I can have my day off tomorrow. 3rd b-day in a row that was bad. Good night.
Despite not getting the, uh, wood you were expecting, you're wondering about the forest when you should be wondering about the tree.
"I told him a week ago" was a test. He, or your friendship with him, failed it.
It's not about all men. It's about this man.
There's a whole forest out there.
I can't speak for all men, only myself. I simply don't get subtle. If my partner wants me to know something, they have to put it on a billboard and then whack me in the side of the head with that billboard. That's one of the reasons I'm so open in conversations with my friends.
I've noticed a lot of men are this way.
I have to take up for the guys here, and as a feminist I think women should speak up for what they want. A lot of the motivation behind relying on hints and subtleties is out of a subconscious desire to not seem bossy, demanding or aggressive. We are conditioned to be submissive instead of open.
I always want people to spell things out for me, because I'm not a psychic. In my past relationships, women have always complained that I didn't read their "obvious" body language (I'm also not a psychotherapist)...something very obvious to them might not be so obvious to everyone else. You can't rely on getting your message across that way, so you might as well eliminate any doubt and just come right out and say what you're thinking...If you try to guess what she's thinking and plan something spontaneous, it never works out. You could take her out to dinner ("Why? What's wrong with my cooking?" ), or buy her candy ("Are you trying to make me fat?" ) or flowers ("What a waste of money...They're just gonna die anyway!" ). Ever try to buy jewelry or clothes for someone like that (and forget about lingerie...)?
I remember my father (who was not at all the romantic type) once bought my mother flowers for their anniversary. She lit into him like the shrew that she was: "What are you bringing me flowers for, Ronnie...Are you feeling guilty about something? What's her name?" Mind you, this was completely unprovoked...He threw the flowers in the garbage. I remind her of that story every time she says 'He doesn't do anything for our anniversary'.
From the flip-side of not being a mind reader, I think people put FAR too much trust in their own ability to know what someone else is thinking by the way they perceive their actions...Am I frowning because I'm pissed off about something? Maybe I have a really bad toothache... If I look like death warmed over when I get to work, is it because I'm hungover or on drugs? Maybe I haven't slept in two days [I don't take drugs or drink alcohol (AT ALL!), but I am very often worn out from lack of sleep]. If they asked me about it (instead of pretending to be the second-coming of Miss Cleo) I would give them an honest answer...but where's the fun in that, right?
A) Because humans can't read minds
b) Because in this day and age, you can be arrested for misreading body language
c) Because if a person doesn't simply say what they want, then it's likely they don't really know what they want.
d) Because stating the obvious is the best way to get the obvious.
e) Because playing guessing games is for children, not adults
f) Because a FWB is not a committed relationship bound by responsibilities of a committed relationship
I have known plenty of women who thought they could pick up on hints, body language, etc, and were wildly off base more often than not. Their self assurance that they were super intuitive blinded them. I have had to explain the painfully obvious to even longtime girlfriends in the past.
Solution: EVERYONE should be upfront about their expectations.
It isn't fair to blame him for this. All people are clueless about some things. Best to be direct. I generally read signs fairly well but if I am not sure, I just ask. I usually ask even if I think I'm sure. The price of being wrong about stuff like this is high.
Next time, ask for what you want.
Because women and men think differently, blame it on society or DNA or whatever you want.
It amounts the same as when men are asked "Do these pants make me look fat?". We dare not answer that question as all answers are wrong. If we say "no" that is interpreted as "You are fat but the pants hide it", if we say yes then "You just called me fat", if we don't answer it's "You think I'm fat".
When we have to interpret something we almost always get it wrong so please don't don't do that to us, don't beat around the bush, please please just tell us bluntly. After all we probably confuse the hell out you, too.
Aww. But if you just want casual sex, that's what most guys want anyway, so grab another friend, or make one.
Men are simple creatures, who don't understand the female mind. I am currently in a gender blend, thanks to taking derris scandens, weighted toward male, so even though I can remember how females feel, I tend to default to the clueless side, seeing women as puzzling, mystical creatures that nobody can understand.
So, yes, someone has to spell things out for me.
It's what Jeff Foxworthy says: Men only want two things - a cold beer, and to see something naked.
If someone is interested in me, they have to spell it out...casual flirting might be overlooked, or put down to being friendly.
I pick up on female flirting attempts more easily than that of males, however.
Well... It strongly depends on the people... there are women, whose "hints" and "body language" I cannot understand at all... and women whose "hints" and "body language" I do understand.
To make things even funnier - the woman I had most perfect understanding in that matter with... actually had completely different taste than mine and in general we are not matching personalities altogether. So sexual experience eventually was a mutual compromise, despite we were capable to understand each other's body language...
Thus sometimes is better to actually speak, than just rely on hints.
Giving hints is a complete waste of time. Just say what you want, and communicate your expectations clearly, so there is no confusion. People aren't mind readers, and non-verbal cues are bullshit. Be direct, be honest. As far as birthday sex goes, sorry you were disappointed. Being more direct might have prevented that.
Evolutionary biology and psychology theory:
Women: evolved (mostly) back at the cave, taking care of the kids, surrounded by children, other women, and whoever else was around that wasn't out hunting; taking care of people. Evolved to be social, to be receptive and responsive to subtle cues (need to know when the kids are sick, e.g.), to attend and invest heavily in relationships.
Men: evolved (mostly) hunting with other men, focusing on feats of physical power, goal-oriented teamwork, strategy (bring down that mammoth), death-defying stuff. Not so much into the "subtle cues" of intimate interpersonal dynamics.
According to this picture, you are dead right about men not picking up signals and it's a consequence of how we evolved. I have no idea whether it's accurate. Sure sounds plausible to me.
The more this 'me too' movement grows, the more women will need to explicitly state what they want, just sayin'. And don't worry about bad birthdays. We all have them and they only get more frequent as time goes on. Try to remember it's just another day so you can just be your normal level of disappointed with the world, that's what I do.