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I'm having a serious emotional dilemma and was hoping to get some solid advice from rational people. I have a female friend who has very recently decided to separate from her husband (never really cared for him but he's not a bad guy). I am also recently single from a three year romantic relationship myself. While I would not say I love her romantically I care about her a great deal and have also always been physically attracted to her. From some of the conversations we've had over the years I believe we would be very compatible on a sexual level as well. Up to this point I have not expressed any romantic interest in her for ethical reasons (I don't go after married women or any other women for that matter while I'm with someone else). She also hasn't shown any feelings like that for me (at least none that I picked up on). Soooo... should I go for it? I'd hate to be rejected and I don't want to make things awkward between us. Would I be a fool to tell her or a fool not too?

Kmohr 3 Feb 15

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26 comments

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11

"very recently separated" = NO SEX. Not even if she wants it. Not from you.
"recently single" = stay in low gear.
"serious emotional dilemma" re: the possibility of having sex with a friend when both of you are vulnerable = pump the breaks, buddy. You are headed into a skid.

You're right. I'm not thinking clearly. What a mistake that would have been.

7

Rebound relationships rarely last I've heard over & over, so let her heal and just be there for her - she'll appreciate it in the long run. Don't let your little head do the thinking. πŸ˜‰ Play the long game.

5

No.

  1. She hasn't given any indication that she wants the sort of attention from you, and the risk of making a good friendship uncomfortable is too great.
  2. She may go back to her husband and they may make a go of it, your involvement if successful would put that at risk.
    Stay out of the way until such time as separation is permanent and she gives you an opening.
    I met a lady on a dating site 4 years ago, she had been separated for 2 years, moved in with her old high school boyfriend, that lasted a year, she had another guy for 6 months. We met for coffee a few times, she was very emotional, eventually she admitted she would be happiest back with hubby, we had chats, they went to a counselor, he took her back, I have since met him a couple of times, they are very happy. I am glad I stood back.
3

In my experience it's never good to get involved in such scenarios. Who knows though, it may work out. I'm no expert. I would advise that if you do pursue this person, you do so at her pace.

1

Rebound sex is always the best, but it has it's problems. First, there are two types (in general) of recently single people: !. The person that has no idea how to live by themselves and attach themselves to the first person they sleep with. 2. The new single that wants the attention they didn't get before to re-enforce their ego but is solid enough to play the field until the right (or seemingly so) person finds them. There are varying degrees of both. I suggest circumspection first, rarely to two of the same type meet right off. It's also possible that she may be too close to home and upset both your circle of friends. Should you both hit it off anyway, take it slow. I am often reminded of the old French saying; "In every relationship there is one who loves and one who is loved".

1

Well, my first reaction was to say go to lunch, accidentally touch hands, and you'll have your answer the moment you look at her. To speak the words of trying to sell yourself for a relationship, is literally repulsive in this case. Take the majority of advice and be a solid rock for her, but I'd add that if you have a strong foundation for your friendship, perhaps she won't be the selfish shrew most people commenting have assumed and might just realize how great a guy you are, and that you are likely still affected by your recent separation and take that into account one way or the other. But this idea that your friendship will end because of your honesty, is a rather simplistic idea of what a friend is and may in fact be an indicator of things I won't mention.

1

Have patience. Once you ask and that line is crossed, if she's uninterested, your "friendship" may fizzle. Like previous comments, she may need you as a supportive friend at this point.

1

I'm going to speak from experience. Do. Not. Say. A. Word. Not yet anyway. She's going to be in a very weird state of mind right now. What she needs is a friend, which you seem to be. She needs to get her head together, not tumble into bed with someone else.

Also speaking from experience, I agree with you wholeheartedly. When my fiance died, it wasn't even a month later and a man who knew my fiance asked me out. I was floored and I truly lost all respect for him.

Granted, divorce is a choice and death is not, but I would absolutely steer clear and keep your lips sealed until you see she is ready to start living again.

1

You could let her know that you are hesitant to even raise the topic, but that you find her attractive and would be interested in pursuing a closer relationship if she is interested -- but, if not, you are not offended.

1

Do not take advantage of a woman in the throws of vulnerability. If she shows interest then that is a different scenario. However you may wish to hint at what you may want to pursue & gage a reaction.

1

It seems to me you analyzed situation. You understand risks. I can not make decision for you. You have to make your mind up.

0

Go for it. In my experience, she is going to be giving it to somebody, and if you care about her then you have the opportunity to give it to her in a way that strangers may not.

0

Wait for her to take an interest in dating. When she's talking about cute people at the coffee shop and making a dating profile then it's the right time to casually ask if she would be interested, in thinking of you as more then a friend. Tell her you're not in love with her, but you've always liked her and it wouldn't hurt your feels or your friendship if she says no. If she says no don't ask why just accept it and move on.

0

A girl on the rebound...? Hmmm.
Do you really need an answer to that question?
If you don't mind probably (most likely) ruining a friendship...
Go for it.

0

NO.
Even if she happened to be looking forward to leaving her husband she's going to be raw and processing that.

Something similar happened to me, someone I actually enjoy spending time with, hit on me before and after my husband died and I will never be able to get that out of my head, and frankly it makes me angry to this day thinking about it. He ruined our friendship.

0

No, not yet. Be a friend and a support for each other, but don't get involved physically or romantically. Your break-ups are still too fresh and you both need time to heal. If something happens it will when you're both ready; meanwhile, she'll appreciate the support (and you will, too).

0

You ethical dilemma still exists. You maybe single, but she's still married. Wait until her divorce is final, if she gets one, to make your move. If you still want to.

0

Aren't you glad there are some honest caring women on this site? I sure am... Every post seems to make sense to me...

0

coffee and conversation with tincture of time sounds like a remedy for what ails you

0

Thanks for the advice everyone. You've given me a better perspective on the situation and potential consequences. It's far too soon for either of us. Emotions sure do mess with your ability to think straight.

Kmohr Level 3 Feb 15, 2018
0

For right now, I think you'd be playing with fire. I think the chances of your getting emotionally hurt by a "very recently separated" person are very high.

Further, even if it was HER decision, ending a marriage or relationship is most often very emotionally taxing, confusing and scary. Giver her some time to get used to her new normal before you pounce.

If I had just left my partner and a close friend who knew both of us made a move very early on, I would be a little put off.

0

No, leave it alone. First of all, you need to heal yourself from your recent break up, and so does she. After you’re both ok, and back on track, see where the friendship is. Then I would ask her out on a friend date. And see where that leads.

0

If she's still married then no. I don't say this because of morals. She's obviously separated so i think it's fair game. I've been there before. Dated a woman that was separated for a year from her husband and he lived across the U.S. 3,000 miles away. Things were going great until he decided to show his deadbeat self again. Long story short, after her telling me she wanted to be with me, she went back to him. As long as she's not divorced or has taken the steps to file for divorce, it's a good chance she's just taking a "break" from him. Test the waters, but be careful.

0

That's all you, my friend, it's a difficult place to be but personally, I prefer to become friends with my lover than the other way around. what is really most important to you?

0

Not merely for ethical reasons, consider the legal and social ramifications. If you truly care for this person you won't involve her in an adulterous relationship which could have so many disastrous effects on her life.

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