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How did I get put in the friend zone ?

So this is out of my range of expertise, and what better place to ask for relationship advice than from a group of singles . Here's the story, I met this girl back in mid December we had great conversation , non-judgemental a good mother to her children and possibly to mine and I find her attractive. Pretty much checked all the boxes I'm looking for. We went out the next night after meeting on a date and had great sex, and we continued dating till Valentine's day. The problem is she isn't ready for a relationship and that's what I want from her. Normally I'd just leave it in the past but this chick is very adamant in the fact we remain friends . And it's really messing with me because I've been placed in the friend zone even though I still like her. I have tried to get past her with casual sex. I think the real reason I keep talking to her is because I think I can get out of the friend zone. Help me out guys/girls . What should I do?

Buckner 4 Feb 28
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39 comments

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0

Several questions come to mind but will offer thoughts.
First is dating other guys?
She may feel that you are moving to fast and backed away in panic. Not judging and I may be old fashion. Meeting for date one night, sex the next night, move to I think she might be the one in between and then friend zone two months later is moving fast.
The other alarming thing I read "I tried to get past her with casual sex". If I understand that sentence correctly, you mean you're having casual sex with others to get over being put in the friend zone. It is April, that's less than two months from Valentine's day. You are the age if my daughter, so I say this from my loving father side, that is unhealthy.
Help me out here Hemingwaykitten.

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Several questions come to mind but will offer thoughts.
First is dating other guys?
She may feel that you are moving to fast and backed away in panic. Not judging and I may be old fashion. Meeting for date one night, sex the next night, move to I think she might be the one in between and then friend zone two months later is moving fast.
The other alarming thing I read "I tried to get past her with casual sex". If I understand that sentence correctly, you mean you're having casual sex with others to get over being put in the friend zone. It is April, that's less than two months from Valentine's day. You are the age if my daughter, so I say this from my loving father side, that is unhealthy.
Help me out here Hemingwaykitten.

1

From what I gather of your situation, you are not in a place right now where you can value her friendship only. It will be tough on you emotionally, but the better move is to cut bait now.
Also please consider that while you both have children, and you would want her to be a mother to yours as well, women tend to shoulder most of the childcare responsibilities in the majority of straight relationships. I mention this because it seems clear you want her to be "the one," and for you that means you need to be her primary relationship and concern. While I believe this is the most healthy way to build a family, be mindful that with a houseful of kids you would be the last on her list at times. Other days you won't even make the list.
She is likely considering what it means to double her child rearing load. It is possible she may not want to have as an intensely emotional and attached relationship as the one you possibly see happening. This could go sour if you aren't getting the time and attention you were counting on, even if she suddenly changes her mind. Food for thought.

0

You can't get out. Either you accept it and put up with it, or you move along. Forcing the issue will cause conflict eventually. Sometimes, you don't get what you want.

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Figured I should update this, I moved on and stopped putting effort into being friends with her , haven't heard from her since. I found out yesterday she has a boyfriend now . So moral of the story is when someone tells you "it's not you it's me" save yourself the trouble and don't look back. Not being harsh or cynical just be true to yourself.

1

If she wanted you she’d have snapped up every moment she could get with you. It doesn’t feel good in the friend zone because it’s not good or the right fit for her. Try to get over her. Since you obviously have more feeling forwards her than she does for you, you’re going to get hurt. Walk away.

1

Bail. The earlier the better for both of you. Long term friendzones are just cancer. There plenty of fish in the sea? That site sucks though.

0

No brainer for me. I'd happily keep her as a friend, and keep looking for the kind of love I want.

1

If a women you are interested in wants to keep you in the "friend zone," then move on. She won't change her mind. Being your "friend" really only benefits her. You get nothing from the deal but frustration. Also, sometimes women give you the "friend" speech because they don't want to see you but think they are being nice. It's been my experience that if you get the friend speech it is time to move on entirely. Dont try to be "friends" because she is really not interested in that. She wants a male she can talk about the other men she dates and will jump when she calls. If she's bored and doesn't have a date lined up she will call you. Maybe.

Go on ahead with your life without her. You don't need to jump on this bus. Wait for another one to come along. There is no shortage of buses or women in this world to run over you.

1

Not everyone one sleeps with is going to be considered as a partner for long term relationships, Especially if one is not in a frame to consider such an arrangement.

I have no advice to make someone bend their will against their desires.
That She might wish you to still consider her as a freind may be a form of testing as well. It can require a great deal of trust for some to wish to fully allow someone into their lives. If I truly cared for someone such as this, I would allow them the freedom to be comfortable. Persistence of such things as; "It would be so great if...", "If you would only...", " We need each other because...", and the like, Would only serve to make them distance themselves further.
The choice of such companionship is not a rational transaction. We must feel the need and desire for someone else to make such terms contemplateable. At least for relationships that are both pleasurable and lengthy.

Keep yourself in Her company would be my only advice. Explore and enjoy such closeness as she is comfortable with offering. Treat her with respect and tact and show her that you actually care for her wishes and feelings. Seek to please her as you would anyone you may care for. She may grow to never wish to leave your side. Begging and cohersion by guilt will serve neither of you.
Learn to accept the things you may not change and work for the wisdom to know when this is so. I wish you both well.

Well said, I had to distance myself from her and look at other options. We still talk on a daily basis , but I know what I want and what she was offering isn't that. I just couldn't continue to put effort into a relationship that wasn't there

0

I to have been through this. My opinon is slowly just stop talking to her. Don't get in huff and cut ties. If she ask you to help her with something do it once starting now. But if she ask again for a favor tell her politely that you have other engagements. If it's a Friday or Saturday just tell her you can't because you have a date.

I always laugh when I see a social media post of "Where are all of the good men at?" made by a women on a dating site.

Well me being my sarcastic self I can't resist telling them that they are all in the friend zone where you put them! Now, before I go any further and generate any hate post from any femenest out there I'm as liberal as they come. I was raised by my bra burning, member of NOW, sexual revolution mother and two flower children hippie sisters. I put the toilet seat down...

There are veritables in everyones life. No one is the same. But by and by most women I meet (not all) want a "Bad boy" type of man. One that is there but they have to fight to be there with them. One that exites them, is adventurous yet leaves a feeling of danger and doubt.

Personally, I prefer women that are smarter than that....maybe even smarter than myself. Ya know?

Not everyone is compatible or attracted to each other. Maybe she doesn't like the way you part your hair. Who knows.... Don't let her tattoo "Sucker" on your forehead though, it's a bitch to have removed.. ( Is mine still showing?)

Just be understanding and respect her decision on the matter, but don't keep holding on to something that won't happen. It's her choice, let her have it.

0

Pressuring her is counter-productive. You'll end up out of the friend zone alright, but in the wrong direction.

If she isn't ready for a relationship, that sounds like there is a possibility in the future. I expect that you have asked about her reasons. Believe her when she tells you her reasons, if she does. There may be a timeline, like "not until my kids are grown." If you would prefer fwb until then and are willing to accept that even at that point, she may decide she isn't interested or just that the two of you turn out to be incompatable in that way - do that. If you can't wait, or waiting tests your patience, or anything like that - move on while leaving the possibility of a later connection if you both happen to be unattached and interested at some point in the future. Or if that would be uncofortable to you, bid her a fond farewell and move on.

You got friend-zoned because somehow, you freaked her out. I'm betting that you were looking for an advance in status on Valentine's Day. For future reference, the best way to handle that is to accept that, say that you're sorry if you made her uncomfortable, and express that you'd be happy with just dating (if that's true). But you said she was adamant, which means that you didn't take no for an answer right away, which is a red flag. If anybody doesn't respect another person's boundaries, especially in a romantic-type, or even friend-type, relationship, that's anywhere from major points off to a dealbreaker, depending on the exact circumstances.

Sounds like you made it through without it being a complete deal-breaker, but that you "have tried to get past her with casual sex" kind of puts you in the creep zone (please try to accept this as blunt but constructive criticism because I am trying to show youhow to be a better person). Using sex for manipulation is pretty low and self-centered. Love includes wanting to meet the needs and desires of the other person. There is a selfish form of "love" that feels amazing to the person expeiencing it, but it's closer to "I must have this person" than "I want to be there for this person, and if this person wants to be there for me too, then we could have a great relationship." Just intellectually changing the narrative won't work either, even if you basically convince yourself that's how it really is. It has to be the real feeling from both of you, or the relationship will turn sour.

If you can't put her needs and desires above your position that you want some kind of a commitment out of her asap, then for the good of both of you, accept that you don't really love her in a healthy way and let her go. You then have two options for a future relationship: find someone who you want to put their needs above your desires, and around half of the time you'd be happy to put their desires above your desirs, and try to build a relationship from there - or find someone else who also puts themselves first, and your desires just happen to mesh well enough that the relationship could work out.

1

I will just leave this here
Also: she said no to relationship with you. Let it go and move on. Just because you have feelings and you want things from her, doesn't mean she wants the same. You are clearly on different pages. If I were in her place, and had someone like you pester me this way, I'd be running for the hills. NO means NO

0

'Not being ready for a relationship' is the best 'escape route' known to man (or woman). I"ve used it myself. The truth could be something closer to it just wasn't clicking for her for some unknown reason. That's a much harder explanation to make because its personal. Carry on.

0

Are you sure single people are the best ones to take relationship advice from?

...not everyone on this site is single. Not everyone on this site looks for a date.

@Blizzard True enough. It was in response to, "what better place to ask for relationship advice than from a group of singles"....hmmmm. Now that I think of it, Buckner was probably being sarcastic.

@Rudy1962 hindsight, eh? lol, I did not even catch that part. shame on me

0

In the words o f my favorite modern philosopher, Roseann Roseanna Danna, "it,s always something" really though you would be wise to walk away from the situation ....good luck

0

There is no escaping 'THE FRIEND ZONE!'.

0

Back off! Date someone else, and if she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

To me, the ONLY fun of a new relationship if the courting stage..dating, hikes, movies, walks under the stars, snuggling to watch movies while you give each other foot rubs, etc. Once the man starts demanding more, I'm already edging toward the exit.

No, I don't want to have sex with you. Ew.
Who knows what you've done with whom, and what STDs you secretly carry.

And I don't want to commit to you either. Ew.
Who knows how control freak you might become, demanding to know where I am every minute and trying to push my friends away.

If men could be cool about it, though, I might hang with them long enough to develop feelings for them, as long as they continue being playful, fun, upbeat, and don't act NEEDY.

0

Friend zone is quicksand,
she likes you, but is looking for more.
You like her more than she likes you.

0

A friend zone shows you roads to all sorts of places. And you have a built in co-pilot.

6

Friendzone is one of the most self-centered, self-important, disrespectful, uncaring terms I encounter these days. It means a person only values another for their own pleasure.

If you're in the "friendzone", you probably belong there. You don't value their friendship, only that you can get laid. People are so much more than just a vessel to get your rocks off.

Yeah, I know that sounds really judgemental. I'm tired of people using other people for their own selfish means, as if those people are only here to be used.

I have really intense, intimate, fulfilling, non-sexual relationships with several women. They are my very best friends. And none of us will ever use the term "friendzone" in reference to the other. We are friends. And that's enough.

Perhaps if you reevaluate how you really think of people, the friendzone won't be a problem for you any more.

Pushing the like button for this answer isn't enough . Really need a love it button for this one .

0

Leave. Nothing like a wake up call.

0

If your a friend its over. if someone really wants to do something. they do. she may well like you but that's all but that's just my opinion. she wanted some sex and you want something else so really what would you expect? it's not like you can untell her you want more and why would you?

5

What’s wrong with being friends?
I need more friends in my life...

I feel that if you value someone, and enjoy spending time with them, then I’m just happy I have that person in my life. We can still be intimate in a lot of ways that are not physical, yet are remarkably satisfying.

The whole notion we have, as a culture, that being friends with someone of the opposite sex is without anything physical happening is toxic.

I've got some great male friends. I value them as just that.

2

I have known guys that have complained of this. Sometimes it is really true that a person does not want a romantic relationship in their life yet. When someone does not want a relationship people can remain, friends if both agree. It seems that you don't agree. There is nothing you can do unless she decides differently, except to move on to pursue someone interested in a relationship.

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