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How did I get put in the friend zone ?

So this is out of my range of expertise, and what better place to ask for relationship advice than from a group of singles . Here's the story, I met this girl back in mid December we had great conversation , non-judgemental a good mother to her children and possibly to mine and I find her attractive. Pretty much checked all the boxes I'm looking for. We went out the next night after meeting on a date and had great sex, and we continued dating till Valentine's day. The problem is she isn't ready for a relationship and that's what I want from her. Normally I'd just leave it in the past but this chick is very adamant in the fact we remain friends . And it's really messing with me because I've been placed in the friend zone even though I still like her. I have tried to get past her with casual sex. I think the real reason I keep talking to her is because I think I can get out of the friend zone. Help me out guys/girls . What should I do?

Buckner 4 Feb 28

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42 comments

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22

I'd walk away. I wouldn't cut off all communication, but I'd cut back my time and emotional energy invested considerably. If she asks what has changed, I'd be honest: "I really like you and I want a relationship, but I know you're not interested in that. I respect your wishes, and I'm happy to remain casual friends, but I can't invest in a relationship that isn't there all the while in the back of my mind hoping that you'll someday change your mind." I think you can let her know that you understand and respect her perspective but, in return, she has to respect yours as well.

Very well put.

17

Once in the friend zone, it's rare to exit. Might as well accept it.
Then, if she does change her mind, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
If you push, you're never going to get out of it.

12

The friendzone isn't a thing. Either you are a friend or not. If she doesn't want a relationship, then respect that. Be a friend.....but don't fake being a friend if you are just biding your time hoping for a romantic relationship. If you can't accept that she isn't looking for the same thing you are, go look for someone who is.

This. Completely this. My last relationship couldn't move into being friends until I finally accepted that was how it was going to be, and if I wanted this person in my life, we would have to do it on terms we could agree to. We had one big dustup over the phone, where I whined a bit, but I asked to to tell me straight that it was never going to happen (she wouldn't), and I said, "Then I'm the one ready to cut that cord rather than lose you." Our entire relationship has been much better since. (Note, if anyone looks on my comments page, they'll get a different story, but only because this hadn't happened yet.)

8

Friendzone is one of the most self-centered, self-important, disrespectful, uncaring terms I encounter these days. It means a person only values another for their own pleasure.

If you're in the "friendzone", you probably belong there. You don't value their friendship, only that you can get laid. People are so much more than just a vessel to get your rocks off.

Yeah, I know that sounds really judgemental. I'm tired of people using other people for their own selfish means, as if those people are only here to be used.

I have really intense, intimate, fulfilling, non-sexual relationships with several women. They are my very best friends. And none of us will ever use the term "friendzone" in reference to the other. We are friends. And that's enough.

Perhaps if you reevaluate how you really think of people, the friendzone won't be a problem for you any more.

Pushing the like button for this answer isn't enough . Really need a love it button for this one .

8

Don't push it with her, like she said, she ain't ready. Just remain friends with her and see how it pans out.

7

You need to stop what you're doing. There is nothing worse to a woman than a man who either: 1) acts desperate or 2) acts like her feelings don't matter.

She's already given her answer to you. Instead of verging on stalker mode, you need to back off and allow her to have some space. Maybe, in time she will decide she wants a relationship with you, but I wouldn't count on it.

@doglvr1882 I did not perceive the original poster as being coercive, but rather seems to be trying to sort out his thoughts and feelings with us as sounding boards.

@doglvr1882 Yup. I did not perceive the original poster as being coercive with his friend, but rather seems to trying preemptively to sort out his thoughts and feelings with us as sounding boards before he takes action with her.

7

"The problem is she isn't ready for a relationship and that's what I want from her."

This line seems to be the key. She may have desired some good "bedding" when you came along, and that she got. But if she doesn't want anything beyond that - at least at this point, it might be best to back off, and go about your business. Be clear, that what you're looking for is more than a "good buddy", but let her know that while you're not going to sit around waiting, you'd be willing to continue from where you guys left off, should she change her mind.

No one deserves to be strung along as a friend, if that's not what they want. And she might be calling the shots at the moment - but you have your needs too ! Good luck !

My suggestion would be to not even tell her that you will be around, or even might be around, should she change her mind. To me, that would seem sad and a little pathetic. Move on, be happy, enjoy your life, and if she comes running back into your arms, you can give it a go without ever having sacrificed your dignity.

7

A girl will decide that she is not interested in you romantically and I know it sucks but that's almost impossible to change.

As it would be for me as a male.

5

What’s wrong with being friends?
I need more friends in my life...

I feel that if you value someone, and enjoy spending time with them, then I’m just happy I have that person in my life. We can still be intimate in a lot of ways that are not physical, yet are remarkably satisfying.

The whole notion we have, as a culture, that being friends with someone of the opposite sex is without anything physical happening is toxic.

I've got some great male friends. I value them as just that.

5

go away and if she decides to change her mind and lets you know decide if you want to start over

4

You should say, "Ya know, Sally, I realize that you want to be friends, but it isn't working for me. I have very strong feelings for you and being around you only intensifies them. For my own emotional well-being, I simply cannot be your friend--no hard feelings."

However, what you say about keeping the "relationship" going is because you think you can talk her out of the friend zone . . . been there several times with guys who thought the same thing. It didn't work.

well said

4

My wife is my best friend, no matter what. We've been together over thirty years. Good friends are valuable.

She might make a good friend, but only you can decide. Sexually, she seems to be moving on. You should too, rather than be depressed over her.

4

I agree with the other posters, however as someone who has had a casual relationship with someone who wasn't interested in getting emotionally involved, I also understand how difficult it can be. I was able to keep my feelings out of it until fairly recently when we were able to go on an actual "date." Made me realize how much I was missing out on with him. Ultimately I decided for my own sanity I had to break off the friendship entirely. Perhaps in time I could be platonic friends with him but I don't think I could have a sexual relationship without getting emotionally involved.

Best of luck to you! Don't let yourself get shortchanged from what you want/need!

This is the part I didn't explain , even when we were dating I kept feeling like I was getting the short end of the stick just because I know she wasn't willing to put as much in as I was. To me it feels like her reason for wanting to keep me as a friend is to keep the option open . We hung out last night as she played personal stylist to me while clothes shopping . The biggest difference now vs before is the lack of romantic gestures . The question I'm trying to answer is should I wait for her or find someone new who is emotionally available.

@Buckner If you already feel like you are putting in more effort then I don't personally think it is worth waiting for her. Obviously I only know a small portion of the story but I just feel like even if she did decide she was emotionally ready, she's not going to put as much into it as you do.

Rant: I get so frustrated when people say that everyone is too quick to get divorced and that they should work on their problems. I did work on my marriage. Hard. But if only one person is willing to put in the effort...then why should the other person suffer and be unhappy. My concern for you is that you'd end up in a relationship like my marriage was. The emotional toll of not having feelings and effort reciprocated is very difficult.

Just my 2 cents. Again, I don't know the full story so don't decide what to do based on my comments but just wanted to give my perspective.

@Buckner yeah. Exit stage left. She's not interested and if she does "settle" for you,you can bet there will be big problems down the road. Go find someone who wants you as much as you want them.

3

I have known guys that have complained of this. Sometimes it is really true that a person does not want a romantic relationship in their life yet. When someone does not want a relationship people can remain, friends if both agree. It seems that you don't agree. There is nothing you can do unless she decides differently, except to move on to pursue someone interested in a relationship.

3

Dont push it, or you will really scare her.. i think that is almost like stalking.

2

Figured I should update this, I moved on and stopped putting effort into being friends with her , haven't heard from her since. I found out yesterday she has a boyfriend now . So moral of the story is when someone tells you "it's not you it's me" save yourself the trouble and don't look back. Not being harsh or cynical just be true to yourself.

2

If she wanted you she’d have snapped up every moment she could get with you. It doesn’t feel good in the friend zone because it’s not good or the right fit for her. Try to get over her. Since you obviously have more feeling forwards her than she does for you, you’re going to get hurt. Walk away.

2

Bail. The earlier the better for both of you. Long term friendzones are just cancer. There plenty of fish in the sea? That site sucks though.

2

No brainer for me. I'd happily keep her as a friend, and keep looking for the kind of love I want.

2

The ladies' checklists are far longer than guys and with tick boxes at least we would say are entirely illogical. Asking why is a special list topping tick box so I just don't.

While women do change their minds, once you've been "friend zoned" you're likely going to stay there.

2

If it eats at you, you're gonna have to bail, because it ain't gonna fix itself and you will become increasingly irritated. If you can, date someone else. Sometimes a person wants something more if they think it's slipping away. And if that doesn't happen, hey, at least you're dating! YMMV, I'm not exactly an expert.

1

From what I gather of your situation, you are not in a place right now where you can value her friendship only. It will be tough on you emotionally, but the better move is to cut bait now.
Also please consider that while you both have children, and you would want her to be a mother to yours as well, women tend to shoulder most of the childcare responsibilities in the majority of straight relationships. I mention this because it seems clear you want her to be "the one," and for you that means you need to be her primary relationship and concern. While I believe this is the most healthy way to build a family, be mindful that with a houseful of kids you would be the last on her list at times. Other days you won't even make the list.
She is likely considering what it means to double her child rearing load. It is possible she may not want to have as an intensely emotional and attached relationship as the one you possibly see happening. This could go sour if you aren't getting the time and attention you were counting on, even if she suddenly changes her mind. Food for thought.

1

If u are friend zoned then be a friend and have casual sex with her but go out with other women and never get closer than just friends with the one that friend zoned u. my outlook is friend zone is for ppl that will be accepted after someone has went around chasing other options and come up short. its like they are sayin u arent bad but Iwould rather have better but if all else fails ill still have u around for my needs. the friend is the fall back plan and men fall for it all the time. once she isnt gettin hit on as much and age sits in u will become more than just a friend cuz u will be a good utility for her to use for her needs then.

jorj Level 8 Mar 19, 2018
1

If a women you are interested in wants to keep you in the "friend zone," then move on. She won't change her mind. Being your "friend" really only benefits her. You get nothing from the deal but frustration. Also, sometimes women give you the "friend" speech because they don't want to see you but think they are being nice. It's been my experience that if you get the friend speech it is time to move on entirely. Dont try to be "friends" because she is really not interested in that. She wants a male she can talk about the other men she dates and will jump when she calls. If she's bored and doesn't have a date lined up she will call you. Maybe.

Go on ahead with your life without her. You don't need to jump on this bus. Wait for another one to come along. There is no shortage of buses or women in this world to run over you.

1

Not everyone one sleeps with is going to be considered as a partner for long term relationships, Especially if one is not in a frame to consider such an arrangement.

I have no advice to make someone bend their will against their desires.
That She might wish you to still consider her as a freind may be a form of testing as well. It can require a great deal of trust for some to wish to fully allow someone into their lives. If I truly cared for someone such as this, I would allow them the freedom to be comfortable. Persistence of such things as; "It would be so great if...", "If you would only...", " We need each other because...", and the like, Would only serve to make them distance themselves further.
The choice of such companionship is not a rational transaction. We must feel the need and desire for someone else to make such terms contemplateable. At least for relationships that are both pleasurable and lengthy.

Keep yourself in Her company would be my only advice. Explore and enjoy such closeness as she is comfortable with offering. Treat her with respect and tact and show her that you actually care for her wishes and feelings. Seek to please her as you would anyone you may care for. She may grow to never wish to leave your side. Begging and cohersion by guilt will serve neither of you.
Learn to accept the things you may not change and work for the wisdom to know when this is so. I wish you both well.

Well said, I had to distance myself from her and look at other options. We still talk on a daily basis , but I know what I want and what she was offering isn't that. I just couldn't continue to put effort into a relationship that wasn't there

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