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Genuine question, because I honestly don't have the answer: Can heteronormative men and women be friends? I used to think so, but experience has caused me to have serious doubts. Am I just naive? Overly optimistic?

Edited for clarity: can men and women be just friends, nothing more?

Nottheonlyone 7 Mar 1
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38 comments

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0

Yesssss. Hv had many platonic male friends before

You use the past tense. Where are they now?

I still hv them. @Nottheonlyone

0

I think if both have a satisfying sexual relationship with someone else, yes, they can be friends. If not, the guy is going to screw it up.

That’s a piggish answer.

I'm just the messenger.

This is exactly what I fear. But I also can't help but wonder if women would fuck it up, too, if we weren't raised to be "good girls."

I think there are biological reasons why men are more on the prowl than women. it's instinctual to spread the sperm around as much as possible. Men have to fight that instinct all the time. Losers of the fight end up like Weinstein, etc.

1

Absolutely !! I have many delightful ladies as true friends, these ladies were from Japan and China, I gave some of them a roof over their heads and a secure and safe place to call home while they worked in New Zealand. We lived alone together and never was there any question of " crossing the line ".They all wrote lovely appreciative letters on leaving here which I treasure to this day. I loved helping with language difficulties and pronunciation. A truly delightful experience.

1

I would say so given my experience, I had several friendships like that in high school and after college, a few women I knew from work, as well as some that developed over common interests like college basketball or local politics.

0

Ok here is a serious response... Yes, men and women can be great friends, without a sexual component, even if they are heterosexual. One of my dearest friends is a woman who I have known since I was 14. I really cherish this friendship. I would never put the moves on her or risk cheapening it with casual sex. I don't think I would even if she asked for it. I love her like a best old friend, and love that we never went there. Most people who know us probably don't believe that, but it's true. I'm just glad that at some time in my youth I didn't do something stupid to f*ck it up. There are other women too who I know and really like that I genuinely don't want to sleep with. Even if I wasnt married im sure I would feel the same. Now before I was married, aside from long standing friends, most Women I Met were at least considered as a potential sexual Partner. The women were doing it too. Mostly they considered it for a much shorter time, and then concluded, no. Of course. What you might be looking for right now is an asexual male. What do you know about Asexuality?

Admittedly, not much. I understand the concept of asexuality, but I can't really imagine it.

It's not that I need an asexual man in my life, though. It's that I need to be able to believe that I have intrinsic value to men without my sexuality being part of the equation.

1

Yes .
It's a sad fact that you should have to ask , but I clearly undersatand the need to do so .

Dougy Level 7 Mar 2, 2018
0

Absolutely my dear ABSOLUTELY!! Through my " hetero" life, the best lovers I've had the pleasure of knowing HAVE been my best friend. Friendship is the key to a satisfying relationship.

But what if I'm not looking for a lover, just a friend?

0

IMO when a man and a woman are together alone sex will always be a factor.

Bullshit. Disagree

@spaghettisite The lady doth protest too much.

Testosterone is everyone’s problem @nicknotes

You are a sweetheart....@spaghettisite

1

Yes, I have many wonderful male friends. Not everyone wanted to have sex with everyone lol

1

As a cis-gender woman, it is certainly possible for me to have male friends. When I got to the stage of my life when I was able to get past the "all males are after only one thing" versus "I'm only a woman and any attention is flattering" mindset, it became possible. Humans are humans and I will be selective about choosing friends but will not exclude any because of gender alone.

0

Maybe..... depends on the their ages.

0

Maybe. Maybe not. It might help if I knew whether or not I am heteronormative.

I don't have a definitive answer as there are so many variables. I have lots of female friends - some of whom I have has a sexual relationship with, some I haven't. I think much of it depends on your view of sex. Is is just as a part of a long term relationship to the exclusion of others or can you have a 'no strings' sex with someone you care about if the circumstances were right?

In general, men are better at non-comittal sex (some are really, really bad at it too!) than women in my experience, that's both personal experience and being the honourary female in a female dominated workplace.

When you care about somebody of the opposite sex there can be intimate moments where the male body gets confused (not much intelligent design about a body that only has enough blood to work either the brain or the penis, but not both at the same time) and men can read the signs wrong. If it feels good and you agree what after before you start - then what's the problem? If there is any chance it will change or spoil the relationship, then don't.

0

Just friends,

Wow, typing that brings back some bad memories. Getting the "just friends" speech was crushing. WHEN I WAS 17-19!
Are you basing this question on this website, other websites, person to person interactions or some combination?

My personal history. My awakening. My apparent naivety.

@Nottheonlyone Nah, you aren't naive. You are optimistic. There is absolutely no reason that men and women can not be platonic friends. But, apparently there is also some evolutionary reason why men feel the need to "spread it around." So, are you surprised men find you attractive? That once you Friend them they lose interest? This conversation shows men and women can be friends without lust.

I am always surprised when men find me attractive. I usually figure it out after we've been friends for a few years. That's why I say naive.

2

I loved the word "heteronomative!"
Yes, I think so. It might take a while for a man to realize what kind of relationship it is.

Based on your photo, that is the first thing Hetero Norm will notice. But, it can be overcome.

I'm friends with a lot of women and yes, I've probably had "those" thoughts about all of them at one time or another.

Thank you for your honesty.

@Nottheonlyone Thank you for the thank you.

1

I don't think you can seperate liking and caring for someone out of attraction. If you like someone you are going to feel at least some attraction. Maybe it's an issue of control? Just because you're attracted to someone doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. In some cases it's best not to cross that line. Another issue is the societal norm of monogamy. You're only supposed to be physically intimate with one person but that definitely doesn't work for many people either. Not sure if this old dog can learn this new trick but I understand why 'friends with benefits' can be an emotionally healthy way to live.

1

Yes as long as one of them doesn't have a strong sexual or romantic attraction to the other. That almost always makes it a dishonest friendship.

3

It is definitely possible. My best friend is a man. I have had many male friends over the years. It wasn't because either of us were sexually unattractive either. Generally it is due to one of us being in a relationship and the other one respecting that so that sexual attraction isn't considered even if it might be there. It is only possible with men who don't sexually objectify women. It can be very disappointing when you think you have a mutually respectful relationship and that comes up, but then you know that person is not a true friend.

That's the hitch. How can I know who my true friends are?

@Nottheonlyone You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

@MrLink I find that both comforting and bothersome. But in all fairness, I've probably done more than my fair share of foolish things.

@Nottheonlyone i still like you.

@MrLink I can't help but wonder if that's only because you don't know me very well. 😉

@Nottheonlyone well, of what I know so far.

@MrLink Thanks, I'll take that!

1

It really depends on the pair. I would say it more like this, most men are not made to be just friends.

But women are?

Maybe I've just been under this rock for too long, but when I was married, I assumed all of my male friends were just friends. And, if I'm going to be perfectly honest, I couldn't have imagined it any other way. I was so.... neglected is the word, I suppose, by my husband that I assumed I was unattractive, that the only reason people of either gender wanted to be around me was for friendship. So when I realized that wasn't true, I felt disillusioned. Maybe I should have felt flattered. I just don't know.

2

In my opinion and experience yes. Two other wise normal heterosexual members of opposite Genders can be friends.

True I may not be the average guy, I generally find it easier to spend time with women rather than guys. Thus, in my life I have way more female than male friends. Most of these friendships were truely platonic, though I may have pursued one or two romantically at some point in the beginning.

Not everyone can do this though.

0

It probably depends upon age and mutual attractiveness. If the woman is plain and ugly that is no guarantee that sexual attraction will not be there. Blokes are weird in their perversions or perverted ideas of attractivemess. So unless you have already got the sex issue done and dusted I suggest that 90% of the encounters will not be platonically construed by men. I used to describe it as a meal without meat and gravy is not a meal.

1

I made friends with girlfriends of friends of mine. It was safe b/c romantics were off the table. Wish it was always that easy.

1

Family are the only ones we don't get to choose to have in our lives. Even then, we can decide at what capacity and frequency. Absolutely, we can choose the dynamics of our relationships. But, understanding that it can and will be subject to change. Who and how we choose to interact with is our prerogative. I believe you can be friends and a lover with someone. But, not want to be in a relationship with them at that time. Things change naturally. Life is going to happen. The more we expect of life, the more we're bound to be disappointed. Love your life and the people in it. Be honest and convey your intentions. We make our own happiness.

I agree. I was simply surprised to learn how many of my guy friends were attracted to me. I honestly had no clue. And for some reason, that bothers me.

Maybe I'll journal about it, see what shakes out.

@Nottheonlyone I'd like to truthfully say,"We're all adults here." But, people have difficulty distinguishing between Love and Lust. Admitting there is a difference between them is the first step. Then dig a little deeper. Find the source of your own gravitational pull. It will bring clarity to most of your interpersonal interactions.

The source of my own gravitational pull... I'm gonna have to work on that. Self-acceptance has never come easily to me.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, I appreciate it.

1

Yes, I've had several female friends for many years. I will admit that with some of them it became sexual at one time or another when I was single, but we managed to remain friends even after that.

1

Yes I have a female friend....just the one when I sat and thought about it...well two but she is an ex.....I would find it very hard being a friend to a woman I was attracted to though...my mind would wander off to often which is not something I worry about with my male friends...its the curse of being a man.: )

You are not being naive but you have some honest answers from the male perspective here.

1

I believe so ...A friend is a friend . My dearest friend ( a woman ) died last year . We organised a community garden nearby , share interests , meals etc ...thats all.

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