I tend to shut down when I hear this. It hurts me so much. I have PTSD and I was so depressed throughout my childhood and early adulthood and I ended up hospitalized three times for attempted suicide. Now that I don't want to die, no even when I did, I hated the idea that others out there suffered like me. Recently I noticed my boss has scars on her arms and I just quietly cried for a long time and I make sure to let her know all the time how much I really do care about her.

It literally feels like a crushing weight when people have suffered like this.

I work in a hospital and see a lot of attempted suicides, and when I get calls of 'I want to die' I panic because while I know exactly how it feels, I have a tendency to make things worse. I don't ever want to feel that way again, and the knowledge of how it never truly goes away, simply goes into remission, terrifies me. I don't ever want to want to die again, and I don't want anyone to ever feel that way.

I hate that you suffer. I truly wish I could offer some meaningful advice or statement that would forever cure you of ever wanting to die again, but I can't. There's no magic cure all. It is a horrible, painful, life-long battle.

I don't know how or why I've stopped wanting to die. Even if I did, it's not like it'd work for everyone else. I am not stronger than anyone else, mentally or physically, yet even with my entire life being ripped away and living in constant pain I still want to live. I wish you could find that desire. I truly do.

I hate watching others suffer from it. It breaks my heart.

Unless you have had suicidal thoughts, it is difficult to understand. I have had suicidal thoughts for years, and I feel like I have finally pulled away from those thought patterns.

Medication helps, but isn't the real solution. What really helped me was cognitive behavioral training, this is a method that can help free you of negative thoughts and actions resulting from them. It is firmly based on science and has nothing to do with higher powers and all that BS.

Ask your counselor.

It's not simple or easy and it took me three years of it to make a difference in my life. I am now free of medications for depression and for the first time I can remember I am free of suicidal thoughts. That doesn't mean it's easy or I don't still feel emotional pain sometimes, but now I have better tools to take care of it.

Good luck

Mel,
My immediate response was to tear up.
I've become more sensitive in my ... not quite as young age.
I understand that writing is therapy and that getting this out is helpful to your recovery.
Some people don't get it and there is nothing you can do about that.
They are a hindrance to your recovery and should be "removed" from your thoughts.
I often wonder what terrible things happened to these online bullies to cause them to have so much hate to spew.
Now, go coordinate some inventory, you wonerful cat woman.

I know that life can really suck, and it can also be great. There are always good times and bad times following each other like the seasons. I could never suicide unless I was terminally ill, and even then I would hang on as long as I coudl function and be relatively pain free.
It is not at all that I fear death or being dead, but rather that life is such a rare thing, and it is all I have.

As a person who has spent his enrire life going thru depression and anxiety I feel your pain. The doctors always say that a person who tells someone they are contemplating suicide is a person who really doesn't want to die. Whether that person is seeking attention or just seeking help in my humble opinion is irrelevant. It is still a cry for help, and should be taken seriously.

Personally, I believe that a person who really wants to die will find a way regardless of what anyone does. I have felt like this world might be a better place without me. But fortunately I've never really attempted. Having had a brush with death due to incompetence at the hand of a doctor, I don't think I will ever attempt. Having said that, those dark feelings that makes me want to die at times are still there and I don't believe they will ever go away.

I think that is where I get my humor from in all honesty. It's the one thing I can do that makes others laugh and in turn makes me feel a little better inside. I've learned over the years that occupying my mind with other thoughts helps to keep me on solid ground. I don't know you or what you have that can give you that same distraction, but finding that is a start. It won't stop the darkness. But it can change your outlook.

One last note. Don't worry with the trolls telling you that you are seeking attention. Those are the people who don't understand the darkness or what it can do to a person. They don't know and chances are don't care.Don't give up keep working on yourself with help from others. You aren't alone.

I truly don't know but I hope you find what it is you need to be well.

I think a lot of us are past the point of thinking its an attention thing. While I'd like to say its because of the walks and awareness campaigns, its more likely because almost all of us have either thought about it, tried it, or know someone who has. I've been there a few times recently, and my friends have started keeping an eye out for me. It's nice, I guess. There are plenty of days I feel done but I sold my handgun after a really scary night. So I guess I'm stuck trying to survive it. It's weird I guess, I spent my entire life not making plans cause I just wanted out of it. Never could do it and for the first time I have to actually try for a future.

I work in youth suicide prevention. We are taught that you take every suggestion of suicide, (“invitations” to talk, attempts, etc) as serious and real. Since you have been struggling with this for many years, I hope that you continue to seek effective medication AND therapy and that you do not keep any lethal means in your home.
Most of all, I hope that when you begin to consider suicide, that you reach out and talk to someone. Every time and without waiting. Get a journal or a notebook. Every day, write down a reason you have for living. A person you love, a goal you want to reach, a child you want to see grow up, a thing that brings you joy. Every day, remind yourself that you have reasons to live. Good luck.
1-800-273-8255.

Believe it or not, you're very strong. I've lost 3 friends and nearly myself to suicide. To the severely depressed, the most dangerous thing is themselves. Hoping for better tomorrows for you! Peace. Feel free to contact me.

You are not a burden.

Most adults have experienced some level of suicidality. So I think most adults can handle hearing about it.

I think you've got to find something that gives you that hold on not doing it again. And that is different for everyone. (At my very worst it's my cats - I just couldn't do that to them).

I'm glad you've got meds. and someone to watch them for you - so you they aren't a constant temptation The Therapist and Pscyhiatrist are good things.
Has anyone suggested a group? Or is that what the website does? (An online supportive environment).

You know what the outcome of taking pills is. It leads to more pain - mental and physical.
I've seen people that had to be on dialysis for life from suicide attempts. Don't do that to yourself. You have enough physical trouble. I know it doesn't seem important at that moment - but if you survive - it's going to be important.

I think you would benefit from a longer term inpatient stay - is that at all possible? Would work permit it? Would someone take care of your cat?

Obviously you'd need a better hospital than one that holds you for 72 hours. I'm pretty sure your outreach workers/therapist/etc... would know more about what's available in your area. So ask them.

It sounds like some rounds of intensive therapy and making sure your meds. are the correct ones for you would be of benefit. (I also know in today's world this might be next to impossible).

Have you ever considered supported living? Has anyone brought that up as a possibility? Again if you think it could help - ask one of your professionals.

I'm just giving you more questions I know - but I hope at least one in there can help you at least a tiny bit.

you need both help and some attention. ive been there myself and self harmed.humans crave atention and caring

See, the thing that nobody tend to understand is that life belongs to the individual (meaning the person who taking his/hers own life) People tend to rule over you even they cant or dont realize that you are facing many obstacles every FREAKING DAY! And that bothers me because l try to not let people rule over me and my life, because my life belongs to me and only me

I know I will be the cause of my own death.
Maybe it's an answer to the "who's in control of my life" question.
Maybe I get tired and worn down by the suffering in the world.
I tire of the ones who give five bucks to the man begging on the corner then think how good they are by doing that.
At times I want to go live in a cave and shut out the world and all it's greed and social striation.
Ever since I was a child I have wondered what the world would be like if everyone just disappeared except myself.
I know I am broken, but I wonder if I am to broken to fix.

I'm 65 and was diagnosed with Manic Depression when I was 14. I am being treated for Type II Bi-Polar Disorder and ADD. There are other issue at play as well. and I am on a number of medication. It was hard to read through your post but when I finally read that you are receiving weekly counseling sessions I was relieved. Meds and Psychiatry are all well and good, but can only do so much for you. Where I believe you need to focus your efforts is your therapy because that is where the most valuable insights and changes will come from. If you are still handling your own medication would also suggest you allow your caseworker to control your meds and allow her to monitor your compliance to the prescribed regime and your diet. You MUST take the meds, as directed paying close attention to the timing and which ones must be taken on an empty stomach and which require they be taken with food. Otherwise you are not receiving the full benefit of your prescriptions. Your history also suggests you should not have access to more than a weeks worth of meds.

If you truly want to feel better focus on your talk therapy and consider adding group therapy to your weekly counseling. Group therapy give you a safe setting that can become a surrogate family and a safe enviornment to deal with strong feelings, positive and negative, and process them. you will find the combination of med management and talk herapy will bring positive results and provide you with strategies to deal more effectivelty with your feelings and reason for hope.

Your suicidal ideation sounds quite profound, however, the combination of drugs you detailed are capable of doing you great harm, causing serious damage to your body and mind. But are far more likely to kill you slowly and horribly leaving you helpless, miserable, dependent on unsympathetic strangers and more depressed than you can imagine. Moreover, you will eliminate any chance for improving you lot in life and incapable of ending it.

I am very grateful and amazed by so much caring and healthy vulnerability in these posts. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my depression and there are lots of good people willing to share themselves, their thoughts and everything I've seen here. I wish so much that I had workable solutions for all of you and myself. I used to do a lot of work in personal growth and self improvement workshops and trainings. I did very well at figuring out what my problems are, but quit because I was not solving my problems, just digging deeper holes of hopelessness. Relationships have always been a very difficult struggle for me.
Finding someone I like a lot on this site helped me venture out from under the rocks I was hiding under, and I even started seeing a new Freethinker therapist a couple of weeks ago. The relationship blew up and I'm still struggling with depression, but it was nice having significant hope for a while and since I found one more wonderful person I have more hope of finding others. I hate writing, partly because I'm so slow doing it, but I think it's important for me to be vulnerable and show who I am. I hope to add inspiration and encouragement here as I find it. Best wishes to all. Mark
PS: Brené Brown has surprised me by putting into words a lot that applies to me. Here are some of her many great videos:
6 min. of deep stuff, Embracing Vulnerability

It breaks my heart to hear your story. I'm so sorry you have had so much difficulty finding the resources to help you. I have been depressed many times in my life, only rarely has it felt suicidal. I am fortunate to have family and friends who care about me and a counseling group that has helped me get stronger emotionally and to make a lot of progress in my life. I can tell you are a person who cares deeply about others and I hope you can find a way to carry on.

In my experience, the voices in my head tell me, "You are worthless!" and "People would be better off without you!" Those voices do their best to convince me they are The Truth but they are lying! The reality is that we are all wonderful, beautiful beings who deserve love and happiness and are valuable to the world. At times, the voices can convince us they are more real than reality. I have found with enough support and practice, I can tell the voices to get lost and I can remember that I am good and deserve great things in my life. I hope you can too!

I appreciate your experiences. I believe wholeheartedly in the right to die. I've tried a few times myself, my despression is intense. But, if you can help someone, it's worth a try.
Only you can decide if your life is worth living. Fuck those trolls.
I'm glad you have a support base. Your feelings at legitimate. It's your choice, but don't tune those who love you out.
Maybe things can get better. I hope you won't give up yet.
Women are so often accused of trying to get attention. It's gross, and it's toxic patriarchy.

When I hear someone say they are thinking about suicide I will talk with them. If that doesn't help I will encourage them to let me take them to the hospital.
2 years ago one of my dearest friends committed suicide. I got to his apartment just after the police did and they wouldn't let me come in. I was very distraught. After a long while they brought my friend out in a body bag. I asked where his head was so I could kiss him and tell him I loved him.
I went into a deep depression. It lasted a few months. He had written a book that was published called "Fractures" his name was Justin Schleifer. I read the book it helped me understand his mind.
It's still painful that he is gone. He was wonderful about getting me out of the house to a movie or out for coffee.
Two nights before he killed himself I spent the night with him in his bed it was just a sweet innocent sleep over. He brought me coffee in bed the next morning. I left feeling so happy about our friendship.
I liked your post. I can tell you are hurting because of the humor inserted into such a dark topic.
You remind me that people struggle everyday with such troubled minds. Mental Illness is a clever adversary. It wants to kill you at any cost.
I tried to once when I was 19. I took an overdose of a barbiturate called Seconal on top of a shitload of Vodka. I was barely alive when I was found. The doctors told my parents there was a 50/50 chance that I might survive and if I did I would more than likely have brain damage. I had pneumonia and a 105 degree temperature.
I survived. With no brain damage. Something didn't want me leaving the planet back then.
Today I don't struggle with suicidal ideation. I'm fortunate I know this.
Your journey is one only you can walk. We are all on different paths walking our walk.
I wish you strength and self compassion as you walk yours.

"I still never stop thinking everyone would be better off without me burdening their lives."
The people you work for/ with apparently disagree. I disagree, too.
One of the things that helped me keep my head above water when I was learning to cope with depression was "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I didn't appreciate it when it was given to me, but later it helped me start to change my beliefs and expectations about life.

I think it depends on the person. Some absolutely need help, even if it is attention. In general suicide is always about trying to get something, be it attention or understanding or a relationship or even just win an arguement, and for some who suffer guilt from something peace of mind. They all need help but what help is tied to the underlying cause and each person is different and will respond differently. Any time I hear someone try to lump them all together or say this will treat it no matter the cause I immediately know they don't know what they are talking about. Every person is different, and each issue with suicide has to be taken individually and and dealt with according to what that person needs, even if that is a hard slap and being told to grow the heck up and use your head. Its what I needed at one point and was the best course in hindsight. An ex of mine came up with a good one too when I would get depressed and/or suicidal as well despite knowing I don't believe in the bible, "ain't no sex in heaven".

Fuck me sideways. That is about the most raw confessional I have ever read.

Thank you. That is gutsy to lay it out.

My bona fides? A near miss a year ago. A boxcutter was my weapon of choice. Writing the note was incredibly confronting. What do you say? What don't you say? I got it written then waited. I don't know why I passed it up. The timing was perfect. But nonetheless I passed it up.

Yeah, once you crack the seal on that door, it's impossible to close it completely. It's always an option, lurking there. Like a comforting blanket, something you can fall back on if everything goes to shit.

And I know only too well the whole "think about your family/friends/etc" argument doesn't mean anything when you're in that zone. That advice usually comes from people who really don't know what they're talking about.

I note arnies below mentioned CBT and that you are utilising it; I have found it useful. When you constantly tell yourself that you are a fucking idiot for the most minor of mistakes, it does accumulate. Taking a stand against that - simply accepting that no one is perfect and shit happens - over time helps to stabilise the ship of mental state.

But we - all of us - employ point to point navigation until we can get our shit wired. I wish you all the best, Melbates. Thank you again for sharing.

Five years ago this July my future ex wife found our son after he had hanged himself in our basement. My son suffered with depression and heroin addiction and while he ended his pain it left me with something that I don't think I will ever get over. I hope you can find peace in life to carry on.

It's a dead end.

I have made many attempts as a younger person I seem to have a good life now and it is far from my mind though I can still remember every detail of my dates with death and being hospitalised and stomach pumped - I am 70 now and have left a lot of my past behind which helped. especially as I have forgotten most of it.