Pulling some parts out:
While we think that relationships solve loneliness, the truth is, relationships expose it...
Relationships only reveal the unhappiness and loneliness lurking within us. All the personal problems that we have with ourselves don't vanish when we find love. In fact, they will be magnified. Having said that, if we're looking for a relationship to fix us, that's also likely the wrong approach...
The relationships that we enter, only to stop feeling lonely, soon become the problem rather than the solution. In addition, our love to our partner ceases to be genuine if we're with them only to feel less lonely. In no time, the relationship becomes a destination rather than a journey. And when our partner fails to meet our expectations of making us feel less lonely, we leave and seek another partner to fill our empty voids...
A relationship is the perfect union of two imperfect human beings. No partner ever can fix the other. However, they will (and must) trigger our past traumas, childhood issues, and push our buttons. And we should be willing to work on them together...
The only solution that relationships offer is willingness, the willingness to work on the issues that our partner reveals in us...
Consequently, instead of looking for a relationship to end our loneliness, we should be in a relationship and stay receptive to learning new lessons about ourselves and our partner...
The most important thing we can learn when it comes to love, is that it triggers us to fix ourselves...
Love is not perfect nor a "union"....love is giving of our true selves.....negotiated accepted mutual as can be....loneliness is a desire to give intimately truthfully completely and grow out of solitude....at work we set aside most possible romance for the tasks at hand in economy....MENDING WALL we build good fences safely with neighbors....and when love includes pregnancy and parenting we love our species to prevent loneliness in our futures
I have always said that special relationships, particularly with a S.O., gives you more of whatever you have. If you're insecure, lonely, and anxious, you'll be more so. If you're centered, content and relaxed, you'll be more so. It is not "fair" but it is true. So the old chestnut "become the person you want to be with" is very true.
Sometimes we have a partner who patiently bears with us and helps us become a better person, but since no one can save us, only we can do it -- that still only works if we rise to the occasion and help ourselves with their encouragement. Even then, there's an element of luck involved. It's better for two reasonably healthy, functional people to enter into such relationships, and for others to refrain until they figure themselves out.
With three marriages under my belt I've come to the conclusion that it's also more of a young person's game. I got the last one in under the wire but I'm getting more set in my ways and have fewer illusions and so if I were a free agent at this point it would be very unlikely that I would go down that road yet again. Everyone's different, of course.
We shouldn’t confuse love with happiness.
Achieving happiness in a relationship takes time and work from both partners.
I'm prepared to help fix whatever it is in his life that needs mending and try my best to make him happy. All I want in return is to be made to feel I have a "home" in his heart and made to feel safe/protected by him.
I will never choose to love or want to be with anyone out of loneliness. I've already learned to be alone long enough to appreciate my own company.
I will always choose someone to want a relationship with because I'm ready to love him and help work on making our relationship a happy one.
By editing all the bad things and putting our best qualities forward, together we can build a strong relationship we both can be proud of.
There is always the option of NOT being in a relationship. People should not seek to end loneliness by being with another person; they need to seek the end of loneliness by being with themselves--in or out of a relationship. In fact, being lonely is a poor reason to be in a relationship.
I've never had a relationship that "fixed me." But I have had a bunch of trainings, therapies, group work, and "lessons learned" from relationships that didn't work out. As they useta say in Landmark, "I ain't well yet, but I'm a whole lot better." So now, I DO have a relationship, albeit long distance at the moment, that has survived a whole lotta sheeit that life has thrown at us. And we're still in love. Whatever that is.
I absolutely, 100% DISAGREE with this. I think relationships may be the ONLY way to for us to truly heal. Almost every mental health challenge I've ever seen results from lack of love and connection, combined with trauma (often attachment trauma) and that includes so-called addictions. Why do you think therapy heals? It's a relationship.
While it's true that when people enter into relationships unconsciously and merely play out old patterns, it can become toxic and abusive or drive us deeper into loneliness. But the solution to that is not avoiding or delaying relationships and pretending we can learn to become happy on our own in a vacuum. I submit that we literally CANNOT become happy on our own. It's a complete myth to think true happiness on your own is possible. We are social animals, evolved to connect and to stay in connection.
Almost everyone who is trying to sell becoming happy on your own is looking to hack attachment by replacing real attachment figures with imaginary ones like God or your Higher Power or your True Inner Self or whatever stand-in of the moment counts in place of the good-enough parents many of us never had. The only way to internalize love is to experience it from outside first. Period.
Moreover, love is not a mystery. We have cracked the code of love with attachment science. It's actually quite simple to understand, though it is hard to deliver if you've not experienced it.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, I just get deeply irritated when I see charlatans trying to sell snake oil. It's an Atheist thing, I guess. I also don't think I've ever read anything in the Elephant Journal that isn't b.s. spiritualism, imho.
Loneliness comes about because we lack purpose, not because we lack a partner. If you don't work, volunteering will do wonders. From the environment, to seniors, animal shelters, and even writing or sending care packages to our troops overseas. You'll get a chance to commune not with a person, but with a group of people like you.