I don't know anyone in Portugal! At least in Portland I have other friends and my brother lives there, so I won't be entirely alone when/if things end with my partners. That sounds beautiful though, just moving to the oceanside in another country and truly enjoying my life for once.

@Gravija it's a good thing if you know no one..new beginnings are the best...

I have told them, bluntly, that I do feel like a third wheel. Their responses were quick to assure me otherwise, and yet I am continually let down when I need them. It may work, it may not, but last night was so hard on me and I let myself be vulnerable enough to reach out to them, only to get shut out.

I do too. I'm constantly waiting for the fall out of every good thing. Eternally a pessimist who lacks the common sense to follow my gut over my heart.

@Gravija "continually let down when I need them".
You're in Texas. I'm a Tx expat. I found Tx very hard to abide and moving was the best thing for my social life. Maybe these aren't really your people. Portland is supposed to be very nice. You could find yourself in the midst of others completely over and above what you're dealing with now. My girl had a very long LD relationship. Granted it was stressed by family illnesses but the kid's timing was always bad when he wanted to come meet her, by the time she was free to do that he flaked. Then 6 months later he "boomeranged" back to her after months of silence, hadn't worked on his own issues but started going on about hers as if they'd never stopped talking. Just no.

Granted I'm not too savvy on LD relationships but to me getting "wiggly" at critical times, there isn't much room for error with this. If someone is important to another time is carved out no matter how convenient it is, barring some real thing like what we had, people terminally ill and in the throes of dying.

That's pretty harsh advice, but you may be right. >.> That said, I don't date cis men. One of my partners is transmasc and the other is nonbinary, so realistically I should stop seeking out people in general who won't be there for me. Which is easier said than done, honestly, because at first they were great and now things are changing course.

@Gravija Sorry. I am a harsh person. Life is harsh. Reality is harsh. I was raised to endure the harsh world we live in. I was not protected from it. It always seems to begin in a most optimistic manner & then descends into pain. The Buddists say that life is suffering. I do not mean to add to yours. Please work on toughening your skin so that harsh people like me do not add to it. I wish you every success in this endeavor. Good luck.

A poly relationship is open if one or more of the people involved want to continue seeing partners outside the primary relationship. It's closed in the same way any other arrangement would be - if all parties only want to be with each other and don't wish to have a physical or emotional connection made elsewhere.

It's okay, thank you for responding anyway.

I do and maybe that's unfair for them. At the same time, I've held their hands through some truly awful moments, times when they were hurting and lonely and needed emotional support, so for me to need it now and not be getting it leaves me at a loss for how to proceed. I only want things to feel balanced and they don't, not remotely.

It's not unfair to expect a certain amount of emotional commitment. Physical and sexuality attraction can only carry you so far. Emotional commitment only strengthens those feelings. If they can't be there for you in your time of need your right to have your doubts.

I joined a Poly FB group a couple weeks ago and have met a few fantastic people so far. They're very supportive and sweet and are slowly becoming who I go to when I need a connection separate from my partners and friends.

Thank you for the comment!

Thank you for the kind words. I wonder if maybe their inexperience in being with anyone but each other is a part of why they're struggling to be there for me emotionally. I'm not the best person to be in a closed relationship with if they're expecting me to support them when they are failing me on that front repeatedly, as my marriage was ended for that reason. My ex and I never communicated through anything but physical interactions and it pushed me away because I am someone who actively craves verbal feedback, so if they continue in this vein, as badly as it hurts now, I won't be able to stay with either one.

@Gravija I think that's a very mature outlook. I think the hardest thing to do is reconciling the fact that the way they aren't isn't their fault. And they need help too.. but it can't be you that saves them. Depression can feel like drowning. But the more someone latches onto another, the faster they both fall deeper down. So keep in mind that it may not just be healthier for you, it could be for them too.

At some point, no matter how good they are, no matter how much you care and they care, you have to let them go. You're a very wise person who has spent the time both with introspection and reflection upon what hurt you, what you need to do, and what's best for you. You even said that your head is telling you no. You know what's right. It's just those damn feelings

Oregon is beautiful. I fell in love with the Pacific Northwest years ago and my brother moving there was what finally motivated me to work toward that goal. People in Texas can be pretty laid back, but they're largely Christian, Republican, anti-LGBT+, and racist, none of which mesh with who I am and so I am always at a loss for how to make friends near me.

If things don't work out with this poly relationship, I'll probably try being single for a while. It's something I haven't been since I was a teenager and I should maybe take a step back and figure out if I'm happier with someone or without.

Thanks for the comment! I'll give myself a hug right now.

@Gravija YIKES! You might as well have said, people around here are pretty laid back except they are flesh eating zombies...hehe...those things exist in Portland, but they are the minority. I bet you are the best company you've ever had, and you don't even know it!

Thank you. I know one of them does love me, deeply, but I am always being hurt by this disconnect and it's further complicated by their mental health issues.

If nothing else, I've got a job and a place to live out there that are separate from my life with them. I'm going to move regardless as I need a fresh start, but it helps that I won't be right next to them during this transition while I sort out my feelings and whether or not I think they're more available emotionally in person.

@Gravija It sounds to me like moving is the right choice whatever happens, then: you'll either find love or a fresh start followed by who knows what? Plus Oregon looks lovely

Sound advice KKG. I've had several people who's judgement I generally trust suggest I too take it really slow as I continue to emerge from my own divorce after 20+ years of marriage. There is a danger of falling badly when you jump into something new and different when you're not really sure what you are and where you are in your own life.

What she said—absolutely.

That is very good advice. My marriage was seven years long and we spent the entirety of my twenties together. I don't like to think I was on the rebound as I'm the one who ended the marriage due to my sexual orientation presenting itself as something of an issue to someone who required more physical attention that I've ever been able to give, but I do think reexamining my situation with my other two partners might be wise. For all I know, they might be the exact same way in person, asking for a physical connection while pulling away from an emotional one.

I'll keep all this in mind. Thank you for responding, it's given me a bit to think about.

@Gravija We are all works in progress. I wish you well.