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Help Me Help Please

I have a very dear friend who cannot seem to leave an abusive relationship. It is abusive in physical and emotional aspects. I am at a loss.

Could you please impart any and all advice.

Thank you!

Donotbelieve 9 Sep 24

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I have known a few women who finally got out of abusive relationships and they all have one thing in common: they finally reached the point where they wanted to get out.


It's really hard to watch this happen to someone, especially a friend and especially when kids are involved. You're doing the best you can to be supportive yet keep boundaries in place. I think you're on the right track by reporting it.

@Donotbelieve You would do well to be aware of retaliation from both your friend and her abuser. I had it happen to me so keep that thought in your plan. Sadly, most women will stay until that trigger that signals (to them) that enough is enough, happens.

@Donotbelieve Oh damn, that's not good. There's no way to do it anonymously? Or is there a domestic violence agency in your area that can give you advice on reporting? National hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Sorry this is happening. It really sucks.


You can only be there for her to help emotionally. It sounds like this is taking its toll on you! DO NOT allow her to transfer her "brain damage" (For lack of a better term) to you!

She needs to hit bottom and you don't want her dragging you down there with her. She needs to know that she CAN help herself.

You may want to give her the phone number and address to a local place that can immediately help her. (If you have a local place like that.) Tell her she needs to call or go to that place the next time it happens. If I recall correctly... You have small kids and don't need drama breaking down the door to get to her!

Just my .02...

Take care of yourself first!


That is a very bad situation and it has to be very hard knowing that you cannot help her directly. Try to remember that your friend has to take these steps for herself, you can't do it for her. Let her know that you are there to support her and encourage her. You can't change things for her.


She's addicted. She needs to reach her "bottom".

Tell her truthfully that you can't stand to see her self-destructing, and you will have to walk away from the situation. Your attention may be one of the things she loses on her way to the bottom. Hopefully she won't have to lose her life


Call the cops next time he starts..


Be a friend, and let her know that she's not alone. Get information for her from shelters.

Abusive partners rely on low self-esteem of their victims to control them. The first thing they do is make the abuse victim feel useless and convince them that nobody, but the abuser could ever love them.

First, your friend will have to recognize the relationship as an abusive one, and not blame herself. I don't think this article is the greatest, but the list, despite being a little redundant, is solid.

Until she regains her self-confidence she will feel like she would be useless without the abuser. Try to convince her to get counselling. However, the spouse/ partner may oppose that or even use it against her.

A very important consideration also is that she has to have a support system in place. Statistics are that a woman who leaves an abusive relationship will be in danger of retaliation for up to two years. Often women leaving an abuser have to quit their jobs because the ex would be able to find them their.

JimG Level 8 Sep 24, 2019

Give her the number for an abuse shelter in her area You have done all that you can do for now. She has to take the next step. You can't make her leave. If she contacts you when the physical abuse is taking place, call the police and send them to her location every time. She has to take the first step.


Be there. Don't burn yourself out.

@Donotbelieve It's a really, really tough one. I've never been in your situation. My closest equivalent had been watching a bunch of mates fall into the vortex of heroin addiction. There is a point where you do have to back away a bit and hope.


As a rule of thumb, males with abusive or absentee moms, become attracted to females, with abusive, or absentee dads. And vice-versa. They are attracted to one another, like iron filings to magnets. I once read that 70% of women, who leave abusive husbands, re-marry men exactly like the ones they divorced. I don't suppose there is much that can be done, except to make them aware of their predisposition.


It is a conundrum for all sides. Before we moved to the island we were supposed to stay with a friend. At the last minute I was told we could not have the 2nd bedroom and would have to sleep elsewhere. Later I (my partner knew the situation) found the house was a safe house and a woman and her 2 kids came in because the husband was, as usual, drunk and being abusive. It was the third time this had happened and afterward the woman went back to her husband. Money and time was spent to help her, and others, just to have them go back to the abusers and repeat the scenario over and over.


Find and vet your local abuse shelters if you have any, then recommend the ones you find most welcoming. Short of that, if she is being visibly beaten (bruises, bleeding or worse) call the cops. Without physical evidence I doubt they would do anything. Beyond that, it has to be her decision.


My first thought goes to financial. Many people, especially women stay with an abusive relationship due to not being able to afford to be on their own. Do you know if she might have this issue? The second thought is that people won't leave such a relationship due to feelings of being a failure or giving up on the relationship. If you can impart on her that she has done her best to make it work and perhaps it is time to start thinking of herself and her own highest good she might think about that. If there are children involved it is usually more difficult, but not impossible with help. If she is not seeing a therapist about this abuse perhaps one would help her reason through her own reasoning for staying. I wish you luck as I've been through this as well with a dear friend. My friend finally left after he put her in the hospital with horrible injuries from being beaten. I hope your friend won't have to see the light like that. Sending good vibes your way.

@Donotbelieve I wish you the best in trying to help your friend. She's fortunate to have such a caring friend.


Not too much you can do unless she decides to leave...

@Donotbelieve just be there for her when she needs you

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