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Why is my boyfriend silent during sex? Your thoughts?

The mind is the best sex organ. I get turned on by sexy talk and am uninhibited doing it. It's delicious and arousing. In contrast, my boyfriend is oddly quiet. He just moans.

"What do you want?" I asked during sex. "I don't know." "What feels good?" "It all feels good."

It's like shouting into a void. Today I sent him this article (below) to spur discussion. Of course, he immediately felt inadequate as a lover. I smoothed it over:


I was afraid you would feel inadequate and criticized. I'm sorry you feel bad.

When confronted with a problem, I immediately see 10 different options. As a professional mediator, my training is to talk it over, to problem-solve.

With sex, I need to know what turns you on, what feels good. Sexy talk turns me on.

"It all feels good," you replied when I asked, both times we had sex. Groan. Specific answers give me ideas to play with during sex.

He replied:

"Actually it’s fine to talk. I like that sexy talk turns you on, I will go with that and see what happens."

We'll see how it goes.


LiterateHiker 9 Sep 29

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I think I was silent during sex because I was having a wonderful time, and didn't want my focus interrupted......pure selfishness, I know.....


have you tried a puppet show?

"Show me on the doll where you'd like to be violated"


You want him to be just like you, and he's not. Get over it. Accept him for who he is....quiet.

Is the sex good? If so, congratulations. Relax and quit trying to change him.
Is the sex bad? Ask yourself if he has other qualities that make up for it. If so, relax and quit trying to change him. If not, time to move on. Your attractive enough to get the next guy.

Of course if you send him an article about sex he will feel inadequate...duh!! I don't blame him if he feels bad. I don't blame him if he says "See ya!"

No one is perfect. None. Not anyone. Relax need to.

Agree totally w the overall sense of this comment. Only withheld a "like" bc I don't want to endorse its tone. And I agree it is a challenge to deliver this sort of "what were you thinking?" message without being a little sharp. I don't want @LiterateHiker to feel bad, either

You are absolutely correct and I did like your comment because it’s spot on

@vertrauen Your empathy level is in excess of mine in this instance. That's okay.

@IrishTxJudy Thanks.

Yes, men dislike women wanting to change them the most.

First thing women want to do is change the sheets.

Great response.


Silence isn't necessary a problem. Some people like to concentrate on the sensations they're receiving when having sex.

The time to talk about preferences is before the act. If they're into sexy talk, then talk. If they aren't into it, leave them alone or find another partner.

Agreed. "Focusing on Sensations" - can be very, very sensual, very erotic. Some men speak with their hands... and other parts of their body... "Body language" can be quite provocative...


Do you talk during movies too? Asking for a friend.

skado Level 8 Sep 30, 2019


I never talk during movies. It's rude and disrespectful.

Oh, good! 😄


It may have absolutely NOTHING to do with you... Did he grow up in a home with thin walls, where every word/breath could be heard by others? He may have trained himself to be super-quiet rather than deal with the questions or comments of others. Enough years of that and making noise/sounds/talking would be "trained" out of him.
(the same if he was brought up in a home where there was any kind of abuse for making too much noise)


Thank you for your kind, insightful and well-written reply.

Dave's father was physically and emotionally abusive, a violent drunk.


Take the nipple out of his mouth.


I like to eat during sex. Nothing too serious. A turkey club sandwich or a slice of chocolate cake. Sometimes I just snack on cashews or almonds. The problem is I can't get my girlfriend to eat also. I even offered to make her favorite sandwich, grilled cheese with sliced tomatoes and avocado, but she said no thanks. She doesn't mind my eating though. She just says she wasn't raised like that.
Any advice.


Don't want crumbs in bed.

Good point.

Crummy sex?

No one wants that😊

@Sierra4 I like to play poker during sex. You know its the "free roll" "the double blind" "the inside straight" the "tilt" is always fun, and of course "the jackpot." No one else seems to get this side to me. I'll keep looking.

I feel your pain


sexy talk is a fine art, it is a seduction and not many men or women understand this skill. we are not born with it. I think if it turns us on we teach ourselves, but for him he is perfectly satisfied. If i were your man and i read your letter (aside from the great thing that you are asking what you want) i would feel inadequate and pressured. In my last serious relationship to the man i thought I was going to marry, after 3 years in the relationship he started to talk to me about what he wanted in bed. Before that whenever i asked him he would clam up. Now he is finally asking for what he wants. Great, but... so what he wanted was for me to orgasm during intercourse. Well I cant, or I never have and I told him this very early on so he wouldnt think it was something he did wrong. I explained in extreme detail how everything feels and what part feels good and how im very satisfied with all of it. He was still unsatisfied and i think that was the beginning of the end for him. Thats what he wanted and I couldnt do it it. I just can't do it on demand. Maybe someday i can do it with someone who brings that out in me, but i certainly can't just force it to happen. I didnt like feeling the pressure. I didnt feel inadequate but instead i felt like he wasnt giving ME what i wanted, which was the space to travel that road. Now everytime we would have sex i would feel pressured. Maybe your man doesnt worry too much and will definitely give it a try and you both can find new heights, but this is my opinion. Yes ask for what you want, but never ever call it a "problem". If you want to seduce, you have to inspire, not demand.

To me the seduction happens before you get into bed. I have never thought that was difficult. Flirting was always easy for me. What I don't want is a bunch of chatter once we are there.

Excellent response. Understanding a partners capabilities, desires - takes a willingness to go that distance. It's an unselfish thing to seek understanding. I think you did your best. I think he could have tried to understand more...


So let me understand, you’ve had sex twice if I’m reading this correctly and you’re busting his chops? Other than him not being “talkative” were you satisfied? But probably not since he was silent. I’m more about touching and feeling than talking but to each his own. If it were me, the conversation of what I like or what he likes would have happened before having sex. If I have to keep a conversation going during sex that would just wear me out.


I did not "bust his chops." It's fine to ask for what you want.

Over the years, I have been lucky to have 3-4 extraordinary lovers. The majority of men were mediocre, selfish lovers. A few were terrible.

@LiterateHiker Absolutely but give the relationship time to know each other. Yes most of us have had a few awesome lovers in our lives and the rest meh.


Once had a beautiful girlfriend made no noise during sex. Her former husband was an under taker for 25 years.


At least he sounds willing to give it a try. Be patient with him.

Deb57 Level 8 Sep 29, 2019

I think you are scaring him off, be careful or you will be boy-friend-less.


I like quiet. After you have sex with someone multiple times it just sounds contrived. I don't want to have to think of things to say, I want my brain to enjoy what is happening. I don't like music going on either. As a musician my brain will wander to the music. I don't care for phone sex either. It is fun once or twice, but after that you have to think of new stuff to say, and that creates pressure and takes away from relaxing and enjoying what is going on.


Reminds me of an Al Pacino/Michelle Pfeiffer movie, "Frankie and Johnny".
He was quiet during sex and his partner asked "why?"
He explained that when he was in prison, it was wiser to be silent during

i love that movie!


Once you change him into what you like I hope you're both still happy with him.

He might not be telling you what he likes/wants because hes told others what he likes/wants before and gotten negative reactions from it. That tends to shut us up and be much more cautious to the question What do you like?, especially when around someone who likes things "just so".

Don't ask him what he likes. Ask him if there's anything hed like to try that he's never done before or only been able to do infrequently, and make sure you don't laugh or appear shocked at what he says. Also make sure you try and do it - he's trying to do what you like that he normally doesn't, after all.

If a woman sent me that article after we'd had sex twice I'd at that point consider the relationship temporary at best. Hopefully that's just me and not him, though.

1of5 Level 8 Sep 30, 2019

I like to know the man is enjoying himself. I PREFER a little talk like, "that feels good" " goddamn" "fuck."

However, my best lover was pretty quiet. He did gasp the first time he saw my boobs. He did tell me that in order for him to cum from a blow job I would have to use my hand also.

However... in the middle of everything... pretty quiet.

i love talking and making of noise and breathing heavyy etc. its very spontanious but i do like to use every sense and anything that makes it better and hornier. even saying this to you makes me horney xx


Often I think people who first started having sex while still living in their families home learn to be quiet so they don't get caught. Especially homes with thin walls or lots of family members. Once a habit is learned it can be hard to unlearn,

That said on average it seems that men tend to be quiet, where as women vary more


I'm not usually one for talking during sex. It is one of the times in life that talking seems superfluous. I want to relax and enjoy the experience, not play at improv and come up with dialog and I'm completely ok with him being the same. Words, sparingly.


I stay pretty silent unless something is going really wrong or really right. Talking requires a part of my brain that is best left alone during sex. It's better for everyone involved.


Maybe it does all feel good and he doesn’t have a the experience or imagination to suggest more. You might try reading erotica or watching porn and talking about what seems interesting, or not.

UUNJ Level 8 Sep 29, 2019

No one screams louder and longer than a porn star. At least no one I knew. 😒

@Castlepaloma Depends on the porn. If you’re willing to pay for it, ethical porn features more realistic sex. And, some people really are that vocal during sex. []

I"m taking a cold shower now.


I am a woman who is mostly silent during sex, at least with a new partner. Be patient. Over time he may learn to trust you enough to open up. In my case, it's just not something I'm used to doing and I really have to trust the man to open up verbally and sexually.

That's how I am. Well said.


He is probably not accustomed to a sexually charged woman, and needs to concentrate on the task at hand, especially with one who is so active in the boudoir. 😉 Give the young fella some time to digest all this you are a dream come true.


He's vocalizing, though not verbalizing, and that's one way he's communicating in the moment what he likes and that he's enjoying himself with you. Unlike the situation in the advice column, where the man was perfectly silent, physically still, and inattentive and unaffectionate during sex, your guy is just not expressing in words that he wants something in particular.

When asked, he said he liked everything you were doing. Take "yes" for an answer. Listen to his moans if you want to know what in particular is most arousing to him. Not everyone can talk effectively while engaging in sex; some people are feeling the moment intensely and vocabulary is just not there. Maybe ask yes-or-no questions instead of open-ended inquiries, like "does this feel good?" and "do you want me to go faster?" to gauge his response.

I understand why he felt inadequate when you sent the advice column to him, because that situation is so much more dire, where the sexual act isn't just lacking verbally but rather all response and affection is absent. If I'd received that in response to my sexual performance, I too would have felt like I was inadequate and being called out for being entirely unresponsive, inattentive, and unaffectionate when it wasn't actually the case.

He says he'll try to be more verbal and that he likes that sexy talk turns you on, and I'd believe him — though he may not be especially adept at it, but he's willing to make the effort. You said, "We'll see," at the end of your post, which doesn't really sound like mere effort will be enough to satisfy you. If his attempts fall flat and he still doesn't measure up to your expectations, I think the kindest thing you can do is break it off. You shouldn't have to settle if this is something you need, but at the same time he shouldn't continually feel judged for an inability to articulate himself beyond moans and some short answers during sex. If I were him, I'd feel some trepidation about my next sexual encounter.


i just laughed when picturing myself trying to be very vocal while eating pussy, mumble mumble mumble.


you need to have sex a bunch of times, thats the best way to figure out what he likes


Good point.

Or he can tell her. Most of us women aren't into figuring out puzzles during sex. It can be a mood killer.

@Deb57 ok, i don't want to have a relationship with a sex toy of my choosing, so i guess we have different criteria

@MarkiusMahamius I have no idea how you got any reference to sex toys out of my comment, but the point I was trying to make is that communication is key. It can be a mood killer having to try to read a person's mind during sex when they could just be considerate enough to say "I like this, but I like that even more." And sex toys can add a lot of enhancement to playtime, by the way.

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