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Notes from the Trenches with Erectile Dysfunction: A Woman’s Perspective

With a high sex drive, my sex life was a bust in 2019. Why? Erectile dysfunction.

Guys! Take the medicine. Explain to new lovers. Don’t expect women to unknowingly and unsuccessfully labor over your collapsing penis with hands and mouth, wondering what is wrong. This is unfair to women.

The last two men I dated were fit athletes. At 65, both had erectile dysfunction. In bed with Kirk, I thought I wasn’t attractive to him, that I didn't turn him on. I could not get it erect. After 45-minutes of struggling with a constantly collapsing penis, I gave up, tired and frustrated.

“You have erectile dysfunction,” I said. Kirk shamefacedly said his Viagra bottle was in his jacket. “I wanted to see if I could do it naturally.” I look at him with disbelief. Not telling me was disrespectful and selfish.

This happened again with Dave, an expert rock climber. Again, no explanation. This time, I recognized the symptoms. His penis kept going soft. “My erection used to be HUGE!” he kept saying. Finally, Dave admitted he had a 10-year-old bottle of Viagra.

Guys, I don’t care how big your erection was in your 20s. This is now. Show respect and good manners by discussing ED with new lovers before undressing. Take the medicine.

In study of 6 million erectile dysfunction (ED) patients, 75 percent either didn't receive or fill prescriptions.

"ED treatments, overall, are underutilized," said Dr. Brian Helfand, an assistant clinical professor of urology at Northshore University Health System and the University of Chicago. "Only 25 percent of men are actually treated."

Men may not be bothered by it," he said. Or a doctor may not write a prescription because he may not think the man is a candidate, or perhaps they didn't respond to erectile dysfunction treatment in the past.

Other reasons, he said, could include costs and embarrassment.

Another reason that men refuse ED treatment, could be that the common prescription medications, while effective for impotence, do nothing for “male enhancement,” or to increase penis size. When it comes to sexual wellness, there are many men that have difficulty performing, that also desire increased size.

Even though erectile dysfunction is likely to become more common with age, he actually found older men the least likely to be treated. Only about 18 percent of men aged 65 and above were treated.

LiterateHiker 9 Nov 10
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34 comments

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1

All fine and dandy, there's a need for something for vaginal dysfunction also.😒 I do feel sorry for your disappointing events being stuck on the flip side of things.

8

I think with your high sex drive you should just stop counting on men satisfying you. Just do it yourself and you will not have to depend on anybody else. Not only will you not have to worry about men anymore but you will have more time for hiking and all the other things in life that you do enjoy.

Very funny! I do use a vibrator.

@LiterateHiker Good for you. Is it time for a bigger one? Perhaps add it to your Christmas list?

@Jolanta

I wore out my small Rabbit vibrator. Found one online: $50.

But the darn thing is too powerful. One speed: HIGH. Can only use it through pants.

@LiterateHiker That is a bummer. Write a letter to the manufacturer. Perhaps they may give you a job, who knows.

Hey, you two are just too much. So people still think sex is, uh, not nice.

@GROG No, no where did you get that from, sex not being nice. We LOVE sex in the right context. just LOVE it.

@Jolanta Sorry, that was a rhetorical question. Seriously, in my time, to get a girl to bed the guy had to be a hypnotist or use liquor, or so he thought. GROG

@IrishTxJudy

Exactly. Skin-to-skin touch is delicious.

@LiterateHiker There are stores like Adam & Eve where they rate how powerful the vibrators are. So you know what you're apt to get. [st009.shopadamevestores.com]

Additional stores like Walmart now carry toy lines. I'm not sure if they have an example out in the store? And of course sex shops would have them out where you can actually see how they buzz.

The second best way to find out if vibrator will suit you is to apply it to your upper lip.

8

Yet another reason I have decided that I'm done with dating.
If men aren't going to deal with their own ED issues, why should I?

It's not the same as penis size. That cannot be helped.
ED is treatable for most men.
If they aren't going to bother taking care of their own problems themselves,
neither will I.
I am done.
I can take care of myself.

I am SO done with all the bullshit related to dating.
It's not worth it to me.

7

Historically, men are much less likely to go to doctors then women. That right there is a problem. ED is a common problem for older men as is vaginal dryness for women as they age. The hope would be that by the time you are ready to be physically intimate you would be comfortable enough having that conversation. Obviously not a question I would ask right off the bat, and some people are private about health issues. And truly, men could just take the pill and not say anything at all.

Years ago, people were shocked when ads appeared for douches, menstrual products, UTI treatments - and we got over it. But (we) men have done virtually nothing to liberate ourselves, and it's showing.

The only problem with that is the subject of any sexual dysfunction should probably come up when discussing any STDs/STIs. If you're not having a convo about the latter, you should be.

@bingst true. I can't speak for others but I would wonder why you would have sex with someone that you don't feel comfortable enough having conversations with. Over half the population has HSV. And there other STI's. So in reality, I am happy to talk about any of that. Because nothing is going to happen until that conversation is had!

First conversation "Have you been tested? Let's go." . Add to that "Anything else we need to ask the Dr for while we're here?". That includes birth control if you're younger.

Than stop by a pharmacy or sex shop for lube and condoms. Hell toys too.

If you aren't having these discussions don't have sex! You're risking your health.

@RavenCT probably not the first conversation I would have with someone but it would come up eventually 🙂

@GreatNani Hahaha! First convo before considering sex! 😂

6

Thanks for the insight and the straight talk. In my experience men and women don't talk about sex and parents don't talk honestly about sex. Men for the most part grow up ignorant of the fact that women like good sex. An import factor mentioned was about respect. Little boys need to be taught to respect little girls. Life is like a box of chocolates, Men haven't yet earned that it is better to undo the ribbon first.

GROG Level 6 Nov 10, 2019

@GROG

Thank you for your kind and wise reply. I appreciate you.

6

I hope you have a disclosure agreement to show men before they date you. Some people still maintain a semblance of privacy.

@CallMeDave

I need to disclose what? That I have a high sex drive? Nope.

No last names were used

Pardon me, but it would seem that more men need to be more forthcoming with whatever sexual issues they may have BEFORE sexual relations are attempted.
If two people are moving toward sex, they should both be honest about any issues that may occur.

She was absolutely correct about women being subjected to "surprises".
It's got nothing to do with us. It's a natural issue many men have to contend
with.
No one is blaming men for having ED, BUT it IS your responsibility to deal with it. It is also your responsibility to discuss it with any potential partner BEFORE people start taking their clothes off.

Your comment to @LiterateHiker is uncalled for.
Although, it does belie an attitude, on your part. Not a good look either.

@KKGator

Thank you. I appreciate your kindness and support.

@LiterateHiker You're welcome.
I'm just tired of guys who don't think they have any responsibility for themselves.

Privacy? What privacy do expect in the bedroom? Can a transexual expect the same privacy before getting naked or do you men want the surprise an erection instead of a vagina...

@Cutiebeauty I mean discussing a person's sexual activity (or lack thereof, and assigning blame) in graphic details on a public forum.

@CallMeDave

Don't be such a prude.

Several men wrote "Great post!" and this is important for men to know.

6

You could equally ask if ED is a problem before the clothes come off. I have, since ED was a problem in my marriage. Maybe he is embarrassed and it would be easier for him if you took the first step.

I remember something that happened on the other end, with birth control when I was young. I used a diaphragm and it was embarrassing to bring it out with a new partner. My doctor had advised me to put it in before dinner, but I didn't know it was going to happen. I awkwardly went into the bathroom to put in in. Afterwards we talked about it and he helped to make sure that we were using birth control every time.

These are things that involve both of you.

I once had a diaphragm go flying and hit the bedroom window! We both died laughing as it was loaded with spermicide and stuck. It made a great sound too.

I'm sorry you ever felt that self conscious.

@RavenCT That's funny and thank you.

5

VIAGRA REALLY DOES WORK! It's THE BEST THING EVER CREATED FOR MEN!

Believe me, I know!

One of my exes had ED. After taking Viagra, we were hanging off chandeliers, doing it on kitchen counters, rooftops, you name it! Mmm.. WOW!😍

I can't stand when men think it's embarrassing to take Viagra. If you're trying EVERYTHING to please your partner, much respect to you.

It is a complete waste of my time and a major turn-off when men who effin KNOW they have an ED issue choose not to do anything about it!! It's okay. We will love you more for it. I promise you!

Viagra is one happy pill you want to take.

Thanks, Viagra!❤💊🙂💊😍

@SleeplessInTexas

Love your witty, wise reply! Thank you.

It doesn't work for all men.

@KKGator And is contra-indicated for men with a seizure disorder, i.e. it can induce seizures.

@bingst That is absolutely true.
Also something else that ought to be discussed with a partner BEFOREHAND.

@KKGator Most men know if it works for them and they don't need to be told to check with their doctor first. I'm pretty sure they know to do that.

It worked for the man who used Viagra for us. It's not for every man and it might not work for every man, but it sure worked for him.😍

@SleeplessInTexas Congratulations on your good fortune.

5

I'm sure that I might have one of the top urologists in the hemisphere. He saved my sex life, and that was starting about 13 years ago. But to get to the point, about 8 years ago, he advised me to start using a half-dose of Cialis daily, which I've done faithfully. But a user should know, all Cialis (and Viagra) do for you is "increase blood flow to the urogenital area." What they WON'T do is make you have an erection. It takes both sexual arousal AND blood flow.

In my case, I've had sex with three women during the past decade. I had trouble off and on keeping it up with two of them. (They have since faded into history.) The third is my S.O. and we've have sex like a couple of teenagers for nearly ten years.. So, there's a lot of "chemistry" to my sex life--in addition to healthy blood flow.

PS: Here's a side note to men: nature plays a cruel joke on us guys such that the penis begins to shrink during the fifties and sixties. Apparently, that's largely due to diminished blood flow. But voila! The daily dose of Cialis reverses that trend. I don't want to get graphic here, but my S.O. seems quite happy about that.

5

Although it could be awkward, maybe this needs to be part of the conversation before clothing ever comes off. It might save everyone some efforts and frustration.

You would think it would come up when discussing STDs/STIs.

@bingst It has been so long that I don't remember if... Yeah, I think I'm very likely to stay celibate for a very long time.

@HippieChick58 Ditto.

4

my alltime best BF had ED - he was 68 when we met. i did not care because i was gone on that man - as i pointed out, if i'm going to call myself bisexual it should not be that big a deal. he wanted to 'do' me with his hands, but i insisted on lining up our chakras. nonetheless, as we grew closer, he did get hard-ish. but more to the point, he was a wizard in bed, understood energy - chi - soooo intuitive and aware.
bottom line - good sex is about raising energy.

4

Honesty all around in advance would be good before getting into a scenario where intimacy might take place. Sexual disease possibilities, health protection options, possible erectile problems and solutions, vaginal dryness and solutions, what to expect, likes, dislikes, turn ons, turn offs, etc.

It's an equal partner activity. Assuming one's partner will solve all these possible issues without a heads up and a helpful discussion is thoughtless and demeaning.

If I decide to become sexually active again, I appreciate the idea of having this discussion in advance. I guess the solution is to ask questions before getting too close to an intimate situation. Thanks for posting.

Exactly! Discussions, questions, statements... hell, actually ask "is there anything else I should know?"

4

I have ED and have the meds. I try to discuss it when I have a partner. It can be sexy for her to tell me I need to go take it and get ready for our evening

That's an angle I had not considered. Giving her the opportunity to participate more fully. I think I'll try it.

4

One cause of erectile dysfunction is poor circulation, same as heart disease. Best cure, plant-based whole-food diet. I had a heart attack, now my arteries and veins are clear of plaque. An angiogram proved it, and I do have erections, even now writing this reply. It doesn't take much.

diabetes too

3

Sildenafil 100 milligrams. It works remarkably well. Although I haven't had the opportunity to try it with a partner, I thought it would be wise for me to take it for a test drive. (I haven't had a partner since 2002).

It makes my penis very sensitive to touch, like it was in my 20s. It's quite a different experience - rather than being systemically aroused (no heavy breathing or mental fixation) I just get an erection. There would probably be more arousal if there was a woman in the room, but there's just me.

And the erection is very durable. It lasts longer than a half hour even with continual stimulation, and I often just get tired of "working" it before I "finish". I'm certain that it would be really enjoyable for a partner if I could find one.

So, you guys who are fortunate enough to attract women like @LiterateHiker, do it for your partner. Swallow your pride.

3

The last two men I dated were fit athletes. This actually has nothing to do with ED per se, except for the mindset of old athletes that refuse to believe thier bodies won't function like they used to - and trust me when I say this - that's not going to change. The subsection of men you chose to advertise to (fit older athletic types) are most likely to exhibit this denial of thier body changing or think "If it just gets enough excercise it'll start working again".

Yes, we're that dumb, but I think this should be part of you're bio on the other dating sites. If you need Viagra, take it - just lemme know you take it and we'll work the timing out.

1of5 Level 8 Nov 10, 2019

@1of5

"Give me 30 minutes," Michael Douglas said in "The Kominsky Method" on Netflix. He ran to take Cialis in his car. When he got back, the woman had passed out drunk. He put her to bed.

The look on his face was hilarious! Wide awake with an erection while she snored. Timing is everything.

@LiterateHiker good, can't give consent when drunk enough to pass out. 😉

@LiterateHiker I love The Kominsky Method. Waiting for new episodes. What will happen? Will Mindy get married, will he beat cancer, will Mitzy get back on drugs, will the scientists get nasty.

@Jolanta

I can't wait for "The Kominsky Method" season three, to find out what happens.

I would expect athletes to be in touch with their bodies.

@BitFlipper you mean the ones who's livelihood depends upon performance and retire when realising thier bodies cannot perform as they once did, or the past 40 guy trying to keep in shape because they fear getting old and what age does to them?

@1of5 I mean the men who @LiterateHiker referred to as athletes. Hikers. Guys I would describe as "fit".

@1of5 you mean the exact same logic that LH used? That being fit and athletic presumably matters?

@Burner yup

2

For some men, Viagra does not work. In other instances, particularly the nervous, it may be that they are very anxious at the experience, which makes them go limp, which makes them more anxious, etc. I do accept that from a women's perspective, it's not ideal, though the guy probably isn't best pleased either.

^A world of this!^

2

It just takes more planning than it used to. It also means more time for foreplay while the drugs kick in. I've found that I can be much more imaginative in the 30-60 minutes it takes for the drug to kick in.

2

Luckily I don't have ED, but if I ever need the pills, why not?

2

I haven't had this problem but I'll keep my eyes open!!

you do that lol

Oh, I think you would notice it even if you were to close your eyes.

1

Interesting

bobwjr Level 10 Dec 16, 2019
1

I don't like how this puts in onus on the male. Like everything else involved with sex and relationships it takes two to tango. For some, they don't always need the pills and can do it naturally. Sometimes everything works fine, and sometimes disaster strikes. While I'm not afraid to use ED treatments, it's not just about taking the medicine. Both people should respect each other. The word partner is used for a reason.

Stenz Level 6 Nov 19, 2019

@Stenz

For heaven's sake, both men let me give them blow jobs for 45 minutes without getting a rise. I thought something was wrong with me:

  1. He wasn't attracted to me;
  2. I wasn't doing it right (I've been told I give the best blow job in the world);
  3. I wasn't sexy enough.
  4. It was my fault.

Finally, I gave up and said,"You have erectile dysfunction." Only then did they admit they had a Viagra bottle in their jacket or a drawer.

That was cruel and disrespectful.

@LiterateHiker Or you could have stopped before all that and asked sooner. Every woman says she gives the best blow job in the world. Take some responsibility for your self!

@Stenz

I did my best. There's no reason for you to criticize me.

It was NOT MY FAULT.

@LiterateHiker Doing all you could would have meant having a conversation beforehand. Especially the second time.

@Stenz

Beforehand, I always ask men if they have an STD, cold sores or other sexual issues.

The two men did not mention they have erectile dysfunction.

1

This is an interesting topic that, I must admit, I don't think I've ever seen any group of people honestly have before. The closest is with a good friend (neighbor, mid 50s) who told me he was diagnosed with low testosterone, and he described that after his shot of it (monthly, irrc), it was like someone hit a switch on his labido, he would have a ravenous night with the girl he was dating.

I've been fortunate thus far that I've not had an ED problem (more like the opposite really) and that in the 9 years that I was married, we never experienced any such issues.

I do hope that if such issues arise (pun intended) that I'm already in a relationship that is open and comfortable with such a problem that is just a natural part of aging.

Gener Level 5 Nov 14, 2019
1

Thank you for posting this.
My ex-husband had some ED issues that he refused to admit to or seek treatment for. Since then, I’ve dated men who openly discussed it early on, and others who refused to. In one spectacular case(which I posted about last year elsewhere), I couldn’t tell whether the man KNEW or was just delusional.
It’s better to have open discussion!
I’m 59 now; my body has certainly changed over the years, and I make allowances for it. I’m more than willing to do the same with my partners.

@CarolinaGirl60

You're welcome. I appreciate your kindness and support.

When I told Kirk he needs to tell women in advance that he has ED, he stoutly refused. "I'm not going to tell women!" he insisted. What a jerk.

1

I think many men think that if they meet the right woman, things will change. This is reinforced by a whole bunch of psychobabble and idealism about sex being mental and emotional, and the physical is somehow secondary. Mind over matter, making love, all that. If youre their first try at "the right woman", you might also be their first wake up call.

1

i agree that it’s pretty rude of those guys to do that to you, and no one should do that. i’m not sure the low rates of treatment are reflective of anything though. it’s rude to not tell a partner before going to bed with them and make them feel inadequate, but there’s nothing wrong with not getting treatment if you’re just not interested in having sex or if your partner(s) know what to expect in the bedroom. the treatment statistics just aren’t very relevant; we’d really need numbers for how many men do this specific thing of taking someone to bed without telling them or taking a pill.

it’s sad that some men see it as a defeat or “unmanly” to take a pill, but we should be telling them that what they decide to do with their bodies is okay, as long as they’re up front with any sexual partners they may have.

@basher

Thank you.

It is rude, disrespectful and selfish to put women through that.

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