What helps me keep going is a sense of the value of Life and the universe. I know that if I were to take my own life, I would lose everything. Life and living, even if it very painful at times, is valuable in and of itself.
Another thingsthat keeps me going is the people in my life who have helped me and given me support over the years. I would be much worse orf without them, and perhaps not even here now if not for them.
I read recently that you are not your trauma or past and imagine a life without identifying with that! I haven’t been able to put that into words for awhile yet it was a feeling...my urge to have complete autonomy of my life and bring the best to everyone and myself. To clarify not a controlling autonomy more so freedom!
I still ike to have a bit of fun, some enjoyment. I like my animals, gardens, fish, love living things around me. Have fun with the youngsters hat are always here. Occassionally, sadly more like rarely I like to have a few days away R&R with a friend, just for a break from the routine.
For me, the number one factor is curiosity. I am old enough to be getting tired of having new experiences that aren't usually all that new anyway. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt, and in most cases, wasn't that impressed anyway. But ... but ... I'm curious how this and that is going to sort out. Trumpism, the colonization of space, the quest for biological immortality and for true general purpose AI. It all interests me. Particularly if I can be more of an observer and not personally besieged by any of it.
The number two factor is that I have promises to keep. I have a wife, a child, two step children, four grand children, colleagues, friends. I have roles to play in all their lives, even as I let some of these relationships organically drift away. I also am nearly the sole carrier of the memory of my prior wife, and my son, who both left life prematurely; and to a lesser extent, of my oldest brother and my mother, who likewise were interrupted in the normal course of life. I both want to join them in oblivion, and want to testify longer that I bore witness to their existence. If that makes any sense.
A very distant third is just the primal will to self-preservation. If all the people mentioned above were gone from my life, if the world were descending into dystopian chaos and "nature, red in tooth and claw" were all there was to contemplate, I would still hesitate to end my own life. Meagre though it may be, it's the only one I'll ever have. I would hesitate less than most, I'd wager -- but hesitate I would.
Following my bliss and doing the things I love to do..bird photography, hiking, writing, designing and sewing clothes, swimming, riding motorbikes, training horses, playing music, doing art, making new inventions, teaching adorable Thai kids, etc.
And my daughter, of course. I have a son but he's off doing his thing, and I seldom hear from him.
Right now, it is working to get out the vote to expell the traitorous grifters currently in our our political seats of power, and to have the ban on assault weapons reinstituted. Another side of me is my family, working on myself to be better, and my butterfly garden. I'd like to see changes to make the environment and the world better and I honestly try to live my life in a way that makes a positive difference.
My kids. My dreams of being a filmmaker and my hopes that I won't have to be alone for the rest of my life. It can be a struggle sometimes. Being divorced and not getting to see my boys every day is a tough pill to swallow most days. But when I see how happy they are to see me and be with me and how smart and caring they are, it makes waking up in the morning worth it. Breathing is a lot easier when you know there's someone out there that truly loves you, and those boys love unconditionally. That is the power of having children of your own. No one will ever love you more than your own children. And I see it in my boys when we're together. The way they look up to me and always want to play with me and hug me when they see me. You can't get that from an adult you share no blood with. And it's because of that love that I'm still here.