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Need help reconciling my sons suicide and my ex wife's beliefs. I am atheist and have accepted that he's gone. Every part of him no part of him exists anymore.
She is Christian and it's causing friction between us and our other kids.

Joshua7183 3 Apr 28
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31 comments

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11

He lives forever in your Memories!
Do not try to tell others how to grieve......it is difficult at best and there is NO "right way"

7

I wish you peace and the ability to hold on to the good memories of your son.

I agree that this is not the time to discuss beliefs but instead the time to tell your children how much you love them and how much you loved their brother.

7

You have no control over your ex-wife’s beliefs. Just let her go.

Best wishes to you sir. I hope you find peace and strength in each passing moment.

6

Does she believe he will be punished in some way because it was a suicide? If she does, then that is evil - and her exposing your other children to it is child abuse.

6

I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss. Your wish to reconcile your sons suicide and your ex wife's beliefs - is that really necessary?
Perhaps it would be a more gentle pathway for you to just process the loss as you need to, and allow her to do the same. Is there a Dougy Center near you? They are a wonderful resource for grieving families, without religious bias or judgement. Even getting in touch with them over a distance may bring you some manner of finding your way through this with a few more tools to help the process.
Wishing you and yours the best, take good care.

4

Exes can be poison.

4

So sorry for your loss. Not sure I understand what needs to be reconciled. Seems like it is a time for grieving and trying to be supportive of one another. Everyone in the family will need to process their grief in their own way. Let them know you love and support them.

4

Unbelievable amount of grief but nothing else you can do about her

bobwjr Level 10 Apr 28, 2020
3

Sorry for your loss. My son took his own life in 2001. Everyone deals with such situations in their own way, including your children. Time moves on. I've moved past but don't know if it's something I've gotten over. Doesn't really matter if a person is religious or not. It doesn't bring anyone back.

I too lost a child, my only child, my daughter in Jan. 2001 to Lymphoma and it is something I think that we never truly 'get over.'
It lingers on with us for ever but the pain does lessen over a very long period of time though it never really vanishes completely.
In my teens I also lost a very very good school friend to suicide, actually found his body where he had hung himself, that tore holes in me as well and that memory still is with me to this day.
So I could say that I have a fairly good idea of where you Joshua 7183 are coming from and my feelings, etc, go out to you both.

3

I'm so sorry for your loss and hers btw. I don't know how old your children are, it does make a difference. If she's the custodial parent and your kids are young, there's not much you can do about it. Just let them know you love them. You lost a son, they lost a brother. Just try to help them with their grief and personal growth. I wouldn't try to influence their beliefs. Just let them know you loved their brother and you will always love them. It won't be good if you and your ex fight or blame each other. She is grief stricken as well. Take care of yourself.

3

I am Sorry to Hear what you going through. Lost a daughter like that... I will never going to resolve it but Life belongs to those here willing to live. Blame no one. Never an easy situation. Wish you the Best and Fortitude to all involved.

2

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Agnostic has recently partnered with Recovering from Religion to bring their volunteers and supporters to the site. If you're interested in joining their group the link is here: [agnostic.com]

2

Sadly suicide leaves little more than sorrow and suffering behind for family and friends.
I truly feel for you and your remaining children and family but unfortunately the religious amongst us appear to lack, in my opinion, the basic idea of " thinking before you speak" as we do.
Though your child/son has died and is no longer physically with you, he will remain with you in the memories you have, keep and share of him and as my Native American relatives say, " So long as there is one who will speak my name, then I will live on."

2

Very sorry for your loss.
Wishing you peace and strength.

2

everything is infinite there can be no beginning nor end to anything - hutton. everything cyclically manifests within tthe infinite universe

My parents are now formaldehyde pickles in sealed concrete vaults ....whatta manifestation ?? My Teri is ashes in an urn sent to Oregon sisters ....not my call ....how many billions of years b4 our sun goes super nova boiling all back into helium hydrogen oxygen ?????? hutton is unknown Sagan makes more sense

2

I'm sorry about your son.

2

might have to talk to your kids about the grief process and how different people grieve in different ways. We all look for things that give us the will to push on for another day, and another day and still another until we are on the other side. This may mean having to turn to imaginary friends or some self searching or even just facing reality head on with what we do know and don't know. If the kids feel torn about how to correctly grieve, suggest grief counseling. If your ex won't take them, you can look at taking them (court orders pending). But do all you can to help them move away from the nutjob invisible friend stuff.

2

I am sorry for your loss. As she is your ex I would suggest when you are around your children lots of positive experiences, make sure they know you love them, answer their questions honestly but with tact as I don't know their ages a lot depends on that. If they comment on their mother a statement such as "She believes in a god and is dealing with this her way." It really depends on what she is telling them. While your grief is horrible at times you are going to have to think more about them and their needs than yours. I dealt with the death of a student in a class of 5/6 year olds (traffic accident) a lot of them were very matter of fact about it, sad yes but they did not fully understand I think. Her parents were deeply religous and we discussed what they believed (that she had gone to heaven). This is a complex issue so you may want to think about getting some professional help if your children are school aged maybe they have someone on staff they can talk to. I know that I had someone on call if I needed it or felt that a child needed it. You are walking a difficult path at present and the only rule I can think is treat everyone with respect and dignity, even if they don't treat you with it.

2

Age of your other kids? Who has custody? What are the court ordered visitation rights? Difficult to provide help without key info. She's your ex. There's a reason for that. There are laws related to divorce, custody and visitation. Perhaps the situation can be easily resolved through the court or with lawyers.

2

I'm so very sorry about your loss! It's the most difficult thing I know--loss of a child! About your former wife...her ways are obviously not your ways. Are the other children old enough to understand this?

2

I'm sorry for your loss but I know of nothing you can do here. Maybe be extra supportive of her because this is a hard time for you both. She will not see the issue as you do, and in fact she seeks a bolstering of her faith right now. I do not know how to tell you to help. This is a sad and delicate situation.

1

This may not help or it might give you some perspective you can share. I wrote it when My brother passed three years back.

It's been a couple of weeks since my brother passed and I have not really said anything about it. For the rest of my life Christmas will always be the time Jamie left this life. But it will also be the time that he rejoined the greater universe.

I am not a religious man and I don't know what lies beyond this life if anything. I do know a few things. The tiniest particles in our bodies, the atoms of calcium in our bones, the iron in our blood, all of these are born in the heart of a star. When this star reaches the end of its life cycle, it erupts and spreads these atoms into the universe where they join other elements and give birth to another star. Some of these starts have planets and, on our little bit of star stuff, life is born. I like to think that my brother has simply gone back to the universe and the particles that once were him will, one day, be scattered once again.

I like to think that some of him will become part of another world, another living thing, perhaps a brother who loves and is loved.

A writer once said that we all have time machines. Those that take us into the future are our dreams. The ones that take us to the past are called memories. I find Jamie when I use either one.

1

So sorry for your loss. Perhaps work for common ground like good memories rather than things where you don't agree... IE - He's in Heaven now. You should point out to her that EVERYONE'S belief system is different. Religious or atheist, black or white, man or woman... That's why they call us all... Individuals.

1

So sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

I take comfort in knowing that when we die our energy and atoms continue on.

The energy that came together to make us disperses and becomes a part of many different things; so, even though our consciousness (that which made us who we were) is gone, in a way, something that was us continues on, and will continue on, forever, as some form of energy.

1

The children should be the glue that holds things together. A toxic situation could possibly mean more detriment in the future. They just want to live. Let them.

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