I gonna do it. I have a lot of pain & a brain tumor. When I start to go blind will be the time. The tumor will kill me soon after. So, I figure I'd just help it along. Some people don't understand, but it's not their business. I'm ok with it. My life's been alright. I've been ready to go for a while and it's ok.

A touchy subject. And probably more common than The Powers That Be would care to admit. I regard it as an insurance policy. If everything truly goes to shit, then I've got Plan B sorted. But, in the absence of that, I'll keep slogging at Plan A. I have to say, though, I almost checked out in February 2017. The hardest thing? Writing that note. Yeah, The Note. I mean, what do you say? What don't you say? Seriously, the idea of going to work with that boxcutter was easy compared to writing the damned thing. Maybe my guardian angel was rostered on that day; I don't know. All I know is that I climbed out of that bath tub, burned The Note to ashes and got on with things. That doesn't mean the prospect does not lurk in the background; once you've opened that door, even just a crack, I don't think it ever goes away.

The first time I tried to commit suicide, I was 14. Took a bottle of pills out the medicine cabinet and downed the contents. I got sick as hell, and the "adults" present called it the stomach flu. They didn't have a clue. By the time I was 23, I'd tried 4 more times. I clearly sucked at it, and wasn't smart enough to do anything that actually worked. In the mid-80s, I learned how to be a crisis intervention counselor. Working on a crisis-hotline made me grow the hell up and gave me incredible perspective. Oh, and the years of therapy helped a little, too. It took a minute, but I realized that suicide is a permanent solution to what is usually always a temporary situation.
In my dotage, I have learned to be a lot more "zen" regarding my own life. Okay, zen is probably too generous a word. I just give zero fucks about most of the stuff which used to tie me up in knots. I quit being so bloody emotional about most things. If I can't do anything about it, I'm not going to spend much time fretting over it.

Yes. Those were my "dark nights of the soul". It didn't get better until I healed from the childhood and adult trauma and kept toxic people away from me and I haven't had a relapse in about 5 years now.

Most of my years growing up I felt like that. I had really bad depression as a young adult. My mom died when I was 18, and I had to grow up really fast. I had been a cutter since I was 11-years-old. I started cutting more and more when my mom passed away. I now live with my arms scarred up really bad. It's embarrassing most days to wear short-sleeved shirts. At work I have to, or I will be too hot with a long-sleeved shirt on. I finally put the knife down for good 4 years ago. I was in and out of psych wards since I was 19-28- years-old. My 2 year mark was on my birthday of this year in February. I never want to get that depressed again, that I need a hospital to keep me safe from my irrational actions. I used to be so bored in my younger years, I over-thought and then made myself depressed. I have a job now and I'm never bored. When I got bored, I got sad and depressed. I have a job for a lot of reasons. So I can stay out of the hospital, help out the community, show people I'm not useless in life, for spending money, to make me feel good about something in my life, and for the social skills. Before, I had all the wrong friends. People who didn't care about me and used me. Who kicked me when I was down. People who enabled me by giving me glass pieces to use on my arms. I don't know them anymore. I have come a long ways in 2 years. I smartened up too. Working is what is keeping me alive. That is why I am grateful for my job, and that is why I am good at it. I need it to keep me alive. I wake up every morning and know that I have responsibilities and I won't ever be a let down to anyone anymore. My aunt is so proud of me. I am too.

I think to some degree it's normal to feel like ending it. When you become obsessed with it, feel useless, and begin to rationalize that it would be best for everyone; is when you desperately need to seek help.

For anyone there: [suicidepreventionlifeline.org]

A lot of people feel suicidal at some stage in their life and for most people there is help available with drugs, counselling, or trying to change the aspect of their life that makes them feel like this. I think it is a real tragedy when a young person ends their life as it seems such a waste and there is always the feeling that maybe something could have been done to help. But for older people, I think it is up to them to decide when they have had enough. I think we should be able to choose when we die and be enabled to do it peacefully, painlessly and with dignity. (See my ebook 'The Ladies Suicide Club'

Absolutely, I’ve suffered with severe depression since puberty. It wasn’t until adulthood that I was treated and will probably be on medication for the rest of my days but without it I’m making plans and trying to find the least hurtful way to end my suffering. Not the least painful way, the least hurtful to others (including the paramedics dealing with my body after). I can’t bear to bring that pain to my mother or sister or friends so I do seek help when I know I can’t hold out. Unfortunately, monthly hormone spikes send me beyond what my regular meds can handle and so I do still get that heartache almost every month for up to two days. Sometimes having to put myself on suicide alert for an evening or a day. I’m a very positive and smiley person minus two days out of the month or if I don’t have meds. But I learned my lesson to be meticulous about taking those little blue pills. ? Like I told my prescribing psychiatrist, I don’t want to live at that point but I want to want to live. It’s the physical toll that severe depression has on my body that usually brings me to that dreadful place. The best way I can describe the physical pain is like having the flu (tired aching muscles) exhaustion and heartbreak at the same time for weeks on end. My body just feels too heavy to carry at some point and I just want to rest or be free from the heartache. Exercise doesn’t feel possible at that level of exhaustion but I can manage to put some music on and try to wiggle about. ? Endorphins released during the exercise has helped me get through some of the lows. Hoping you wiggle your way back to normalcy soon Paul. hugs

I have never felt suicidal. But I've had an experience with a person who was suicidal that haunts me. I had a next door neighbor years ago who had just lost his father to cancer and his girlfriend recently dumped him. He had been struggling with drug addiction as long as i'd known him. He dropped out of high school. He lived with his mother and she was struggling to help him. One night he was outside in their front yard and struck up a brief conversation with me as i finished my nightly run. I was surprised he even talked to me because I was roughly his mother's age. I asked him how he was handling everything and he said "I'm mad at the whole world. Don't be surprised if you find out I did something about it". I thought his words were all too cryptic and angry for me to respond constructively. I also didn't feel i was in a position to help being just a neighbor. So I said something pathetic like hang in there things will get better and I went home. The next morning as I was walking to my car I saw him hanging in their front yard tree. I had to knock on their front door to wake his mom with the terrrible news. She was utterly crushed. She moved away within a few weeks of his death. That was 20 some years ago. I carry guilt around to this day that I didn't do something better to change this outcome. It's tough when you get trapped in that cycle of woulda, shoulda, coulda. I was just a disinterested neighbor and this event created a small black hole in me. Imagine what it would do to a family member. I have the utmost repect for people who work in a job that deals with this kind of thing regularly. I couldn't do it...i hope this story serves to let everyone who reads it know how much gravity you have and how loved you are by everyone.

Paul, I've been through several bouts of depression and even though it is part of every questionnaire, like you, I've NEVER wanted to take my own life.
It can be difficult to get the propoer diagnosis because of it but you need to find the right doctor (if you,re in the USA, I'm sorry). Unfortunately, the DSM seems to accord a lot of importance to this question and can't seem to get past its Xtian bias.
My primary recommendation would be to get outside and walk (or run). Physical activity is a proven antidepressant and walking outside (even in the rain) costs nothing.
Good luck!

I've been there a few times, but I always had that feeling that things would get better. My niece attempted suicide 3 times, and we kept hoping she would get better, tried to get her help, but she finally succeeded. It's a tragedy that I wouldn't wish on any family.

Suicidal ideation is one of my diagnoses. It's treated at this time successfully. So yes, shit happens

Yeah, it’s easy to get tripped up by those thoughts. I know that from ongoing personal experience. I hate to sound all cliche but I kind of think this usually holds true for me in those times "When you feel you can take no more, try giving a little". It’s not one size fits all but I’ve found it to help when depression sinks it’s claws in me.

I've been suicidal off and on since I was in my teens. After two/three suicide attempts I got to where I learned to deal with the feelings.

Many times. I do not fear death at all but welcome it. After 20+ surgeries, mostly on my feet and lower back, in pain all day, can't work, Fed's denying my SSD....I am soooooo ready for this nightmare to end. I have traveled this world many times, did so many things...I welcome the long slumber. My energy will return back to the great collective, my body to science, then to the earth, it's all good.

Yes... but not my thing luckly

in the same boay currently :/

Paul, my advice is: Go to Mexico.

Have a look here: [en.wikipedia.org]

(You need to scroll down a long way but there are two long lists and both have the USA pretty high up and Mexico much lower.)

Better yet, go to Jamaica - practically nobody thinks about suicide there.

I've fought with the idea recently while going through issues with my wife. It has killed me emotionally dealing with the problems we have been facing. Mostly the fact of losing her. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. I don't want them to grow up asking my wife why I gave up on them and I want to see them grow up period. I can't do that to them.

I've felt that way many times over the years, but usually it's temporary and more feelings of hopelessness, futility and a desire to escape the pain. Once, I did actually attempt suicide many years ago. I haven't made an attempt since then, although I still momentarily think about it fairly often. Basically, I don't want to give up the time I have left.

In my teens I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents. Things were really bad. I left home in high school before I hurt myself.

I was when I lived with my parents. Once I moved out and weathered a breakdown I developed thanatophobia somewhere along the line and now completely avoid any suicidal ideation.

Not until I read this. Joking

I have wondered about it. Not seriously though as in taking pills to kill myself instantly. It is more like, "what would drive me to do this."

Unfortunately, suicide has happened on my Dad's side of the family.

Yes, when in the depths of despair of a horrible marriagel. The only thing that kep me from committing suicide was that I did not want my daughters to be ashamed of me.

no, same reason as your last sentence.
I aint wasting it, it is the only life I have, I for to be here, I am here, I will fight to stay here for my allotted time.
Hang in there man, always sunshine after rain, laughter after pain just as you have eluded to, good/better times ahead.