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Your thoughts on forgiveness?

Last night I couldn't sleep with hours of loud explosions by asshats until 1 a.m.

"GROW UP, GUYS!" I wanted to shout. "QUIET!"

Instead I finished a favorite, Pulitzer- winning book, "A Thousand Acres" by Jane Smiley.

This morning, I awoke in a contemplative haze thinking about how "A Thousand Acres" echoes William Shakespeare's "King Lear." In both stories, a longstanding family is destroyed by an abusive, cruel, despotic and remorseless father.

Both families are torn apart by lack of remorse and forgiveness.

This is an important lesson. Forgiving transformed my relationship with my daughter.

Grudge-holding just hurt the person holding a grudge. It's poisonous.

A caveat

I can forgive, but don't forget. With my abusive first husband, I could never trust him again.

LiterateHiker 9 July 5
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36 comments (26 - 36)

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1

Yeah, I had a terrible cycle of forgiving, encouraging better behavior, then the same mistake comes back worse. And I was the bad guy, because I said hey... I don't do this kind of stuff to you.. when are you going to learn? Then I found out she was successfully hiding an alcohol addiction from me, even then.. let's get you help.. maybe we can fix this.. But no.. exactly at the point you mention.. I don't forget, and if I can't trust, then forgiving is just me hurting myself.

1

I saw some female asshats with fireworks last night. If that was a misandrist assumption on your part, I forgive you... 🙂

@kensmile4u

Man-hating? No.

Since 1984 when I moved here, 99% of human-caused wildfires in North Central WA were started by males.

In high winds and 95-degree heat, teen boys lit a fire in dry grass on a hillside above Wenatchee. WA. The fire destroyed 28 houses.

June 28, 2015: In high winds and 99-degrees, a mentally ill man lit dry grass on fire that burned an entire subdivision. Sleepy Hollow Fire.

[co.chelan.wa.us]

Sept. 2, 2017: The Eagle Creek Fire was a destructive wildfire in the Columbia River Gorge, largely in the U.S. state of Oregon, with smaller spot-fires in Washington. The fire was started by a 15-year-old boy igniting fireworks during a burn ban.

[sacbee.com]

In high winds and high temperature, young men threw smoke bombs that burned houses in the Eagle Rock Subdivision, Wenatchee, WA.

June 2020: Male shooters recently started a wildfire that originated at a Wenatchee a local gun club. It burned over 100 acres.

[kpq.com]

The list goes on.

@LiterateHiker I agree with your asshat demographics! Women asshats are the extreme minority! 🤣

@kensmile4u

"Karens" are white, female asshats. Calling the police on a black runner because he asked her to leash her dog. Risking a black man's life by lying and telling the police, "Hurry up, he's assaulting me!" Throwing tantrums because they refuse to wear a mask.

""Video after video shows people spitting on counters, coughing at people, throwing groceries, screaming at employees — all while characterizing their tantrums as an exercise of free speech or freedom. That their biggest infringement of “freedom” is a simple piece of cloth doesn’t seem to register. Meanwhile, peaceful protesters and journalists are being arrested and beaten in the street."

We have a responsibility to make clear whose freedoms and safety are really in danger — and whose ...

@LiterateHiker There are a lot more Karens than asshats. But here is a prime example of a woman asshat.

[tampabay.com]

@kensmile4u

Tragic destruction of a rare beautiful tree.

@LiterateHiker Karens are asshats? What are those?

@gracielufreebush

"Asshats" is a polite way of saying "assholes."

1

Forgiveness is beautiful

1

Forgiveness is overrated and it seems to be a real american thing, perhaps a hangover from your strong religious roots . Who would forgive someone who'd just killed your child. Acceptance is more achievable and then indifference. Complete indifference to the perpetrator is the ultimate insult.

@Cyklone

I disagree. Forgiving someone is healing. Grudge-holding just hurts the person holding the grudge. Like swallowing poison.

Forgiving my father's critical, cruel behavior was healing for me. I forgave Dad after he died.

It's a process of letting go of anger and resentment.

@LiterateHiker You misunderstand if you think that acceptance is grudge holding. Forgiveness is something that you may do for someone you love if they ask for it and show remorse. Acceptance is moving on and letting go of all feelings towards the perpetrator. As I wrote, indifference. If you feel nothing towards them then you have no grudge and are not impacted by them.

@LiterateHiker perhaps we are talking about the same thing but name it differently. Would you allow the person you've "forgiven" back into your life? If not, then perhaps you haven't forgiven them, just accepted it.

@Cyklone

Yes, I forgave my daughter for hurting me. She can be mean.

I love her dearly. When she apologizes sincerely, I forgive her. However, I set boundaries.

My family has generations of cut-offs. I don't want continue that pattern.

@LiterateHiker Good, but the difference I'm trying to define is would you forgive a person who hurt her badly or would you support her and then accept what had happened so that you could let go of the anger towards her perpetrator. So that you felt nothing towards him, without forgiving him. That's part of what I mean by acceptance. I think acceptance is also the first part of forgiveness. Acceptance you do for yourself but the next step, forgiveness you do for the other person.

@Cyklone

Good point. I will never forgive Claire's abusive husband Matt who nearly killed her. His assault trial starts on July 15.

Last week, Matt's lawyer quit because Matt lied to him. No surprise.

@LiterateHiker I hope the bastard gets everything he deserves.

@Cyklone

Claire's lawyer will ask for Matt to repay Claire's attorney fees. So far, Claire has paid $10,000 to her lawyer.

From my life insurance, I gave Claire $30,000 to pay attorney fees for the assault trail, refinancing the house and the divorce process.

@LiterateHiker and hopefully after he's found guilty you can clean him out with a civil suit for damages.

1

Good point

bobwjr Level 10 July 5, 2020
1

Very great post! You have a lot of courage to reveal yourself in that way.

To forgive is to come to the realization that the negative judgment you made of someone was mistaken. It’s not a pardon, it’s a correction of your own thought process. The person being forgiven might never know—it’s really not about them.

That’s an idea I picked up from A Course in Miracles, a book totally unsuitable for atheists. 🙂

@WilliamFleming

Thank you. My father was extremely critical of me. Nothing I did was good enough for him. I tried to be a perfect daughter. Didn't work.

Dad's sister and her husband worried about me as I was growing up. Years after Dad died, she told me. Finally, I realized it was not my fault.

Had years of therapy. I realized it was healing to forgive my father.

It was.

@LiterateHiker I understand you 100%. I am using my real name and location, and do not feel free to talk about family stuff, but I’ll just say that our parents and others who triggered our ego responses—they were not malicious and evil. They were behaving in the only way they knew how—it’s all just the workings of nature.

Some people are truly crazy and dangerous and we have to protect ourselves or avoid them to survive, but if we live our lives with smoldering anger and grievances we hurt only ourselves. By seizing control of our thoughts and taking responsibility for our own feelings we learn to be happy.

Thanks for this special post!

1

Raised with the religious understanding of forgiveness, and knowing the many times I wanted to be forgiven, how I wished it could be....the concept of "it being like the offense had never happened".....I no longer think as a child. Also I happen to have the kind of neighbors that are respectful to others, while having gatherings with loud music are a norm, with firecrackers , those close around shut it down at reasonable hours.

1

We don't do it enough, but it should not always be absolute or too freely given.

1

It depends on the situation. Sometimes forgiveness may take longer. There are situations where you will find hard to forgive.

0

To Err is Human but to Forgive is a more evolved emotion, that said, do not rush to forget. Sometimes what appears to be human error is just human malice that got caught in the act.

0

Personally I don't forgive much...

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