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Misrepresentation?

You meet the "love of your life," and you have something "kinky" you enjoy. You make full desclosure. He or she willingly participates, saying they enjoy it and give you every reason to believe they do.

So based on compatibility, you believe you have met your dream partner, you enter into a long term committment, marriage,

About 5 years into the marriage, out of the clear blue your partner says, I'm not doing that anymore and becomes very critical of your sexuality

What do you do?

  • 6 votes
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  • 1 vote
  • 0 votes
Lincster45 6 Apr 8
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28 comments

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0

If you know people well enough to really talk to them you find that many times things like this are what led to their divorce. Other ways of "working it out" just don't seem to work very well. Then you divorce and are secretly sorry. It's like saying you both used to have ice cream all the time and then, no more deserts.
I don't mean this as a drug reference.

11

People change over time. You have to either find a way to make it work, or evolve, or if you cant, leave

I've asked this question before, and the female answer usually is "people change," that's true, but there is also a lot of "I can change, but you can't" from the female side, something borne out by conversations with medial professionals.

-- or --

"Men Marry Women with the Hope They Will Never Change. Women Marry Men with the Hope They Will Change/" of that they can change them.

@Lincster45 I prefer along the lines of we ALL change as we grow. If we didnt, we wouldn't be human.

@LadyAlyxandrea Your answer, the female answer as stated above, therefore totally predictable, Not right or wrong, just predictable.

@Lincster45 do what you want

@LadyAlyxandrea I'm not doing anything, just stating my observation, yours may be different, and you are right, people do change.

That being said, if a couple agree to something, in light of full disclosure, to renege on an agreement is going to cause disharmony. Perhaps that's why there are prenuptial agreements, some of which I have read sound like bondage agreements! Perhaps an agreement could have been to agree to a no fault divorce and property settlement if minds change.. not some dragged out expensive divorce decree where the only winners are the lawyers!... In this case the male fired his lawyer and took the consequences, and in the end, with no huge attorney's bill was better off, while the judge was very unfair in the award in the end the wife's legal bills were so high she actually got less! The husband fired his lawyer after the fees hit $15,000 and appeared to be headed north of $100,000! I think lawyers looked at the assets and decided how much they could walk away with, probably conspire on that decision!,

9

I said divorce, but if it were me I wouldn't get married in the first place.

Tejas Level 8 Apr 9, 2018
6

The "very critical" of your sexuality is concerning.
People do change. If the relationship has everything else going for it idk.
Having known some people in the 'scene' when younger it happens.
E.g. once at a fetish party a friend of mine threw a well known individual stopped by in full regalia, embarrassed to see a 'student' left hurredly. He was very devoted to his wife but had that one thing.
Depending on how much of a "need" or "want" it is vs 'is this bleeding into every other facet of relationship or intimacy' only you know how important that thing is to you.
The very critical of your sexuality is worrisome though.

I wouldn't want to take away something from a partner I loved/cared about that meant a lot to them. I might even, depending on depth & trust in the relationship, allow them to go outside for that need/want (and i'm not poly- at all).

/it's late, I'm tired, been baking for hours so apologies if my reply is rambling

5

I didn’t vote because I just don’t know. However I do believe that cheating, brothel, hookup is not the answer. Any form of cheating is wrong in my book. It’s imperative to me honest to yourself and your partner deserves the same.

5

All I can say is people worry over the damnedest things. You realize there is something kinky in your lexicon of sex stuff, I suggest that is your problem. If your partner no longer cares to engage in your problem, that is their decision. Your decision is to determine whether your kinky desires are more important than your marriage -- then act accordingly.

5

Nobody is cast in stone, growing/changing together ideally would bind people.
I'd bet your partner had been growing tired of your kinks for awhile, but you didn't notice...nothing like that "comes out of the blue".
Nobody's fault....your #1 job is to take care of yourself, as is everybody else's.

5

Not enough info for me to say.

4

Honesty from the beginning is the way to go

4

Sounds to me as if she has grown away from the kinky thing and you have not. In my experience , once people have grown away from something, they will not return to that state. My advice is divorce, clean cut and without recriminations. Start again.

4

Wow! You lasted five years? That's awesome! What's your secret?

3

Go to the root of the problem and work it out
Time evolves and you may need to change or up your game to keep it spicer
You need to innovative and keep it alive nd exciting.
If you have custard donut every day you get fed up too

Rosh Level 7 Apr 9, 2018
3

As soon as they start giving you shit about something they used to willingly participate in, you can be sure they're telling other people about it. You can no longer trust them and they no longer care to have your trust. Time to go.

Your blanket generalization is not necessarily true. I, for one, do not kiss and tell. Most mature people don't. Every partner I've had knows that whatever goes on between us stays between us.

@marga Quite true, most adults should conduct themselves as you described. However, going by what the OP said, it doesn't sound like they are dealing with a "mature" individual.

@KKGator I don't see where you get that, but in general, you're correct. Most adults conduct themselves in a mature manner, but not all of them, and to be honest, I don't really see how you conflated not wanting to do something anymore to a "kiss and tell" situation.

@marga He said it was something they engaged in for years, successfully. Suddenly, she didn't want to do that anymore, and became very critical of his sexuality. Why the sudden change? Why the criticism? It's been my experience that things like that are precipitated by conversations with other people, who tend to be critical of other people's fetishes. Not everyone keeps their sex lives to themselves. I know way more about some people's relationships than I ever wanted to. Wifey was talking to her friends, and I'm willing to bet, one or more of them had something negative to say about whatever the act was. I'm not conflating anything. Just basing an observation on actual experience.

@KKGator Well, then, I guess we've just had different experiences.🙂

3

Think long and hard about what you agree on

Groan......funny, funny....lol

3

I discovered the kinky community after a late-in-life divorce. I tried to be part of that community for several years. What you describe is so common that I'm close to saying if it's not inevitable then it's close. It happened to just about every relationship I knew about.

2

Any of the above maybe all of them? Just saying!

2

I had an ex who eventually couldn't hold the pretense together. She eventually admitted marrying me "to make her father happy".

Oh, that's awful!

I have friend who was date raped, and then the rather well to do families decided they should marry when it was discovered she was pregnant. He treated her like dirt, cheated on her in their bedroom, and she hung on until she caught him molesting their 10 year old daughter. Their daughter was so traumatized she eventually committed suicide. Worst of all possible outcomes.

@Lincster45 the hubris of wealth or political connection. I hope that he was prosecuted.

@FrayedBear No, moneyed people seem to be able to get away with many things. There was another girl present when the man was caught, her parents refused to press charges, fearing it would harder on their daughter to have to go to court and have it known that she was "damaged goods" for lack of a better term.

@Lincster45 Silence is not the answer and it is only because of societal indoctrination over such things as damaged goods that such disgusting behaviour occurs. Look at Jimmy Savile friend of Royalty.

2

I would say try to work it out, employ a counselor/therapist, if both are willing. If, after therapy, your partner feels no differently, and you cannot live happily without this "need", then you may have to work out an arrangement involving one of the other options above. Whatever choice you make, be open and honest about it.

2

I would attempt to work things out, seek the help of a profession and if that fails get the hell out of dodge.

1

How you treat one another outside of the bedroom , also has an impact on interest in sex . If one has gone from being a kind , affectionate , interested , well groomed person , to being an angry , insulting , disinterested slob , you're not going to invoke the same responses you used to .

1

Marriage is stupid. Lol.

1

In the sitation referrenced here, the woman had dated a man who became a mariage councelor, who had married, then divorced, and, she the woman in the story, said absolutly no to any sort of counseling. Even so, and your mileage may vary, the sucess rate for couseling is about 50% or less, based on several sources. Of the people I knew that opted for couneling the sucess rate was 0%.

1

If you base your relation on a lie, it's not such a stable base. On the other hand, if some one changes for whatever reason and he or she hides that and doesn't talk about it, I wonder how the communication within the relation has developed. There is seldom only one reason, but still only one reason can trigger a huge change. One grain of sand in your shoe can cause a blister on the long distance.

Gert Level 7 Apr 9, 2018
1

Ughh... this hits too close to home for me... except after way more than 5 yrs. It's hard. In my case, I don't think it was misrepresentation: honest people sometimes change, so I can't blame her. As others have said, what you have to do is decide whether you want to leave over it or not. Other than this one issue, all's well. I've got relatively young kids (this change happened during pregnancy) and I am staying... but it's hard, and bothers me a LOT... almost everyday. This one issue is, for those who value it, not small; it's huge.

0

The only thing constant is change. Just because somebody was into something once upon a time doesn't mean they still like it five years later. Hormones, kids, health issues all change peoples sexuality/libido No misrepresentation there just a fact of life.

Being critical of your partner's sexuality which you already knew about, as long as it is with adult consenting partners and injures noone else, is a no-no. That is the real problem. Mind you if the basis for thinking someone was the "love of your life" was wholely and solely shared kinks that is also a bit of a problem.

Kimba Level 7 Apr 14, 2018

Thank you for supporting the statement, "Men marry women expecting they will never change, and women marry men expecting to change them." The basis for many failed marriages because many women do change and become critical of their partner and give him reason to seek satisfaction elsewhere. And no, it probably wasn't whilly the reason you married someone, but it could well have been the deciding factor, whether it is kink or tolerance/support of the man's hobbies, which some women will eventually criticize. You knew he loved Monday Night Football, now you give him a hard time when he'd like to relax and enjoy it! And women seem to support each other in belittling their partners/husbands for activities they knew damned well they enjoyed.

Or is it that they deceived their potential spouse by saying they enjoyed something, but didn't, I expect there is a high percentage of female deception.

No, it is not every women, and their are plenty that have great partnerships, but it seems it is a high percentage.

So, is at all based on honesty? Your husband was honest with you, but you weren't honest with him? And vice versa?

0

If communicaiton doesn't work bewteen the two partners, then reach out for some professional help to get to the bottom of why this happened.

Fine, but when one partner says no, what are you going to do.

@Lincster45 in life there are 2 choices when it comes to matters of the heart, either you are part of the problem or part of the solution.. then you choose which works and which doesn't.

@mistymoon77 It is nice that you are an idealist, and I wish it worked that way, but please don't answer with chiches!

@Lincster45 that's reality! you either are the problem or the solution. There is not getting around that.

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