When I first started dating, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed in a romantic partner, but as I've grown older I've dropped the "check list" approach. It's not that I don't still have standards or that I don't still look for compatibility or shared interests/similarity, it's more that I've realized by not giving people a chance that don't meet all the "check marks", I stand to miss out on wonderful people that often have "check marks" in other categories I didn't even realize were important for compatibility. Some of my best relationships and closest friends have been forged with people I initially never thought I'd get along with.
Religion is the only no-go for me.
Same for friends. I can not respect someone into wilful ignorance.
There is only one thing one my checklist. Does this person bring me a feeling of happiness?
There are only a couple of requirements for me. An open, caring, loving, compassionate heart. On the negative side - Nobody with imaginary friends, no tRump morons, no bogotry.
Looking only at the positives is dangerous. Take buying a car, wow it looks great, shiny, fast, nice posi-traction rear end, bright headlights, clean interior. Ignore All those boring traits like a well maintained engine, low miles, and good gas mileage and you might end up with a lemon.
No, I don't do grocery list. I don't mail order either.
Agreed. It's not about "ticking" all the boxes. Sometimes, it's about checking as many as possibe, other times it's something more intanglible. I personally believe after trying to date for 5 years (unsuccessfully), it's more about knowing what you DON'T want more than what you DO want. A somewhat subtle yet important distinction.
My checklist is based on learning about what I want and need in a partner as well a what I simply can't tolerate in an intimate relationship. I know that the list isn't everything, but it is so much better for me than just following my feelings (because attention feels great and can overrun reason way to fast at times). Ruling out meeting people who want very different things keeps me from being disappointed and disappointing someone else in terms of values and major life goals (kids, religion, politics, money, sex, etc.)
Yup. Still do. And some check marks are more heavily weighted.
I think conceding ideals and expectations is a part of being in a relationship. No ones a perfect match let alone the odds of someone being everything you’ve ever wanted only creates a situation for them to disappoint you . Instead embracing the faults , like they were your own. Understand that we are human , and we will rarely be a perfect checklist ourselves.
I met my wife over 20 years ago in a role-playing text based MUD (called Dragonrealms.) We've been happily married all this time (6 sons later) DESPITE our massive differences (she's christian, I'm not. She's Republican, I'm Democrat or Independent (more left leaning). She's sloppy, I'm OCD clean, but somehow we make it work. I think trying to get that "perfect" mate is how you end up alone. Accepting the other person for who they are and making small changes (if you can) through the years is more than enough imho. If the other person respects you and loves you, they'll make changes in those areas that most bother you.
I always kind of worried about the whole 'missing an opportunity by looking too hard in one specific direction' and some of my more fulfilling relationships have been with people who were completely off-book. I never really tried to do the whole checklist thing until well into my 20s, and even that was relatively open-ended. That said I've also always spent a lot of time over analyzing compatibility with people I considered potential prospects.