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Goodbye to Robert. I tried to be kind. Was I clear?

Today I sent Robert a goodbye email. We never met. He sent his resume, pictures with volunteers, photos he took and houses he built (there's no accounting for taste). Sent daily emails about how he wants to meet me and talk again. He lives 651 miles away.

Robert,

I never received a resume before from a prospective date. You seem desperate.

Talking on the phone with you once was draining and exhausting. You went on-and-on about leaving the Mormon church, spirituality, philosophy (solipsism, really?), getting left at the altar, how you want to get married, ad nauseum. It was not fun for me.

We don't make a good match. Good luck with your search. Kathleen

LiterateHiker 9 Mar 4
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19 comments

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1

NEXT!

1

Sounds like my 'little' (53) sister. Yesterday I visited her and she told me of one guy she met on a dating site and was straight from the video tinder-swindler. She is starting to see a semi-retired prosecuting attorney from Seattle who she feels has potential (she told me talking to him is like talking to her big brother, which she likes).

2

For the best it's seems - clearly, I'm understating the obvious.
We all look forward to hearing about your next adventure. 🀣

3

Dodged a bullet this time

She's constantly dodging bullets. I think it's how she stays so fit!
πŸ˜‰

2

I can't even imagine still being willing to navigate the dating minefield.

Much to my own astonishment, I didn't have to.

Good luck as you continue to move forward.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
πŸ˜‰

5

If it were me, I'd send you a poem instead:

Roses are red
Violets are violet
Don't for one second
Believe god is your pilot!

πŸ˜‚

2

Clear, yes. Kind...well at least you tried.

7

Chatting with a colleague one day about the lack of progress a group of technicians made on a project. I noted they languished over trying to get every detail perfect and said β€œwow, they must really be afraid of failure β€œ.
He looked at me and said β€œ I always thought that, then one day, I realized, it wasn’t fear of failure that stalled progress, it was fear of success”

He was right….

6

Reminds me of a guy that brought a printout of his stock portfolio to our luncheon date.

and.....

@ChurchLess I told him to stop it I didn't want to look at it. My first reaction was horror then came feeling insulted.I went out with him because his profile bragged about living on a totally self-contained farm with solar and windmills. I also told him that we were just not a match.

@Lorajay, @Organist1

One guy showed me a million-dollar check made out to him. Said he sold a house.

I gasped when he stepped out of his truck. He looked like the grandfather of the man in his dating profile. He saw my face and got defensive.

"It's advertising," he insisted. "I got you to meet me, didn't I?"

"It's LYING," I retorted. He had posted his son's photos. His dating profile said he was 55; he admitted he was 74.

I got a manicure for this?

@LiterateHiker The nerve!!! As if that would work. SMH... The last guy I met said he was 65; he was actually 75. One guy I was emailing with and having phone conversations with had posted a picture of a slim, attractive guy. He kept putting off meeting on Zoom. When he finally did, I saw an obese, hideously unattractive, unkempt guy who was chewing gum with his mouth wide open. Needless to say, that was a very short conversation. Statistically. One out of four men lie about their age on dating sites. Grrrr. I don't mind meeting older men if they're honest about it.

3

As a fellow (or sister) over 65 dater, I share your pain! The conclusion I have come to is that the ones who are still out there are out there for a good reason. The exceptions would be those who are recently widowed, those who have very narrow criteria because of interests, or perhaps those who are physically disabled. I have been swimming in the the over-65 singles pool now for 3.5 years, and have never in that time dated anyone for longer than 4.5 months, and I believe I was extremely kind to do that! I have met many, from alcoholics to those with personality disorders, poor social skills, explosive tempers, scary and/or uneducated people. Incidentally, I, too, have recently been contacted by a Robert. He seems like a really nice and successful man, was wonderful to talk with, and had interests very similar to mine. The catch? I'm not physically attracted to him, even though he is not bad looking. What can I do? I hope you have better success next time. After every not-so-great experience, I always try to reboot my romantic state of mind so I am ready for the next one without dragging baggage behind me. I'm turning 69 soon. How much time is there?

Good luck in your quest. The dating scene is such a frustration.

I wrote a song about it, and probably could add a few more verses by now. πŸ™‚

Widowers might prove your statement wrong. When they appear in my hometown they are immediately bombarded with casseroles and other invitations. I've actually seen a few good matches from that. Casserole visits are another great tradition for churchgoers and they can get away with it without looking desperate. No I do not read the obituaries with hope, the news is much more interesting.

@Organist1

Exactly.

Most older men are divorced for a darn good reason. Unwilling to change, they take the same bad behavior to the next relationships.

The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

@LiterateHiker Well said!

@Lorajay Wow, casseroles! My home town is considerably less friendly than that. Philly 'burbs, ya know.

@Organist1 @LiterateHiker
Well Ladies, I must be an exception to the rule. In all seriousness. Of course !

I take better care of myself at this stage in my life than I ever have. Taking care/ talking about healthy living is what is easiest to talk about for both of us,.
I dress better. I prepare for the occasion as well as I can ( However I am socially inept)

I take care of my dates on a date...I listen intently and I don't have an agenda, except perhaps OUR mutual enjoyment. Timeliness and courtesy is my thing .
Flowers are a big win also, and I Enjoy Giving them. I love making a lady smile !

I actually truly like women and usually, almost always, prefer a woman's company to a man's
My temper is even better, might say it's gone.

And I believe every word you wrote because....I know a few men and many are "difficult", to the point of hurting themselves. Hard for them to relax, let go their know it all personas.

I could go on all day..............

@twill It doesn't sound like you are socially inept to me, more like a dream date, lol! But really the only things I'm looking for are honesty, intelligence, kindness, and a good conversation. Chemistry is important, but I'm not looking for Hollywood good looks. One has to be realistic!

@Organist1 I'm not from Pennsylvania I'm from Oklahoma and we are close to country.

@Organist1 TY! There only seems to be one place for me to find that good conversation....and that is with a woman. And honesty too. (I too struggle with honesty around guys, I can open up with women. Quite easily.)

Guys can be intelligent & kind to each other however

@Lorajay It's a whole different world.

So why are you out there? It's a huge pool of singles and many of us can't find the good fish because so many sharks have spoiled the waters.

@JackPedigo That's the sad part, but I just take each person as an individual, and try not to drag the past into it. There's always hope.

@Organist1 Still, for me, after a while that gets really old. There are lots of different reasons one is single and, I know, the term widower is rightly loaded. A friend was married at 17 and her husband died at 71. That's all she knows of A lot of people, male and female, marry at an early age and stay married for decades. They have no idea of another partner (my mother was one). Their life is their past and too often it is true but not always. Same thing goes for those divorced. They may not know of true happiness of another and just need someone to help with the housework or provide money. I think both you and I have run the gambit of these types. The thing that gets me is the subject of 'chemistry.' We let pheromones run our lives and make selections for us instead of taking the time to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them. Then the 'chemistry' really takes hold but it is the wrong kind of chemistry. Does that make sense?

@JackPedigo It does make sense, and I agree that people have far too much need for instant gratification. I have had attractions develop slowly over time in several cases. The problem is that with COVID, people aren't meeting each other in the typical way. A lot of people get to know each other through Zoom, and in that case you are not seeing a person in every day life, acting the way they usually do. In my life as a musician, I meet many men, unfortunately, none of whom are eligible. I don't hang out in bars. That leaves dating sites, and in many cases the real thing is far from what was presented on a profile, and not just appearance-wise. Honesty is a rare commodity these days, but I haven't given up...yet.

@Organist1 I think a bar would be the last place one would want to meet someone. Still, my last relationship was virtual (phone) for 2 months and then meeting for long weekends for another 8 months. It worked out better than I/we could have ever hoped. I still think virtual is a good way to start but, eventually people have to meet and spend time together. However, luck does play a big part as I have learned. At least you're in a large urban area.

@JackPedigo Yes, the bar comment was a joke. That's the last the last place I'd want to go. I live out in the country, about 25-30 miles from the city. I don't go there alone. Here in the suburbs, virtually everyone is married. Virtual meetings are a must during COVID, with an eventual meetup if things go well. I am the only female member of a large jam band, but all the guys are married or have partners. :'( That's my only social outlet these days.

@Organist1 Sorry, I should have known better about the bar issue. Still, how far would you be willing to go to meet someone? My sister lives in Bellingham and has met no one near there. She is seeing one guy from Seattle which is over 100 miles and a very congested freeway away. For me, I have to take a ferry which is 2 hours minimum (wait and travel time) one way. I am seeing a therapist and she says she knows of several single women here who would be happy to meet me but she's a therapist and can't do matchmaking. Soon the mask mandate will be over and maybe we can go back to in person meetings.

@JackPedigo I dated someone from Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a while last year, but we decided it was too far. I think 350 miles is a reasonable limit -a day's drive. My son is on the autism spectrum, and I don't want to be too far from him to get there in a day. He lives on his own, but still needs help from time to time. I don't mind driving. A few years ago I dated someone 235 miles away. We sometimes met in the middle for a weekend, or spent a week or so at each other's houses.

@JackPedigo Living on an island must really be a combination of isolating and beautiful. As a single person, that would make it more difficult to meet people.

@LiterateHiker For sure you are right about the goods being odd. The odds are good is a little shakier. There are actually more women than men in our age group, so that pares the pool down a bit. Add in that an older man with a lot to offer might also appeal to younger women, and you have the makings of a real bind.

@Organist1 Throw in a pandemic and things get even more difficult.

3

Seriously, you need to write a book or a blog about adventures in dating, especially aimed at boomers. It would be great fun, cathartic, and other women would know that they are not alone and I'm sure the feedback from readers would be a whole 'nother book.

4

I've done it all Baby, but I have not done YOU

twill Level 7 Mar 5, 2022
3

Sounds like a Anglican Minister I met for coffee. An hour later I made excuses to leave and stood up. He stood up and asked me for a hug. I said no, and he pulled me in and gave be a bear hug so tight I could barely fetch my breath. He was twice the size of me. He brought a rose for me which was nice but a red flag for me. I do not like men buying me anything unless we are in a committed relationship. He was my last date.
Your well described stories let me know that I am not missing a thing.

4

If it is not clear to him that is just another reason why he is not a match. Sounds like an old guy desperate to not be alone.

I wouldn't necessarily ding him for the resume. Not a lot different than someone sending a link to their LinkedIn profile.

5

The search for Mr Right or Ms Right may be a futile quest and seldom, if ever, is another likely to tick half the boxes, never mind all the boxes. Even if someone ticks most of the boxes he or she is usually exhibited as a trophy wife, husband or partner.

The intensity, frequency and focus of a search may cause us to miss that which is nearby. Persistence is an admirable trait but it may result in a sense failure and disappointment if quiet desperation underlies it. I am inclined to think that many people face an endless search based upon the stated and unstated criteria that constitutes profiles on dating sites.

Its National Lottery day today here in the UK. I think I will buy a ticket, one lottery is a good as another. πŸ™‚

1

Well, let me try. My resume is πŸ¦ƒ. You won't be able to reach me at the #42, but it's worth a try.

1

You did right. Hard to imagine a resume being sent to you. I have none. Along the way I recall religion wanting us separate. "Be ye separate from the world." I am, and I'm even separate from religion. If not working I come home and hide with only myself to please.

3

He smelled desperate. Damn, it's a minefield out there!

5

A resume... that's rich!

A reformed Mormon resume yet... OMG.
Run away @LiterateHiker. Run away. Ha, ha.

@RichCC

Sending me his resume is insane. Talk about desperation.

@LiterateHiker ... am intrigue now!

So... what was the job he though he was applying for?

When did this "resume" requirement started anyhow?

How is the pay, and what are the benefits?

So many questions... so little sense.

... I mean... lol!

@LiterateHiker It could also be taken as a creative approach….it’s all about perspective.

I Google search potential dating partners for as much background information as I can find. I can't fault a guy for proactively sending me information about himself that I'm going to dig/search for anyway.

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