Here's my journey:

I had been raised in the church from infancy with strict attendance every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. Those who ever missed were talked to and normally would "go forward" during "the invitation" to ask god and congregation for forgiveness for "forsaking the assembly". Nearly all of our social activities were exclusively with other members of our congregation.

I remember feeling peer pressure to "go forward" to "confess my faith" and get baptized from about age 9 to 10. I did it when I was 10, shaking like a leaf.

After baptism, I was regularly asked to help serve "the lords supper", lead singing, offer the closing prayer. Later on to teach the Jr High age bible class. After that, to preach on Sunday evenings. I did it all.

After services, people would stand around various locations and talk for up to an hour about whatever was in their minds. I still remember from one of those sessions, someone stating that gods law was always the highest... no matter what the government ever said, we must always please god.

Toward the end of my church involvement, my familys behavior and talk during the decline and death of my grandfather following quintuple bypass surgery, shook my faith. Their loud mourning and wailing right there in ICU disrupted the entire ICU. Through the all glass walls I saw all eyes on us as their cry rose up for several minutes. The lack of faith. The disrespect for all the other patients and families. I was shocked by it all.

For my next sermon, I prepared the most complete lesson on faith that I could piece together from the bible. But as I began writing an illustration on the chalk board from Hebrews 11:1, a strange thing happened in my brain. Beside the thought I was writing, another thought formed silently, and lingered there...

"So, if I don't believe any of this, none of it really exists."

I struggled for the next week and a half with that perspective. But by the time that second Sunday arrived, I had left the church. At age 27, I was done. But that was the easy part.

All of my life focus, self image, self purpose, basic values, life priorities, world view, and my scale of worthwhile target areas for achievement had all been shaped by the church for my entire existance. I was programmed to deny my self to live for god and the church. I had no real idea who or what I really was. And, my mind was closed in many ways, to block out certain "dangerous" or "worldly" perspectives. I had to learn how to think.

I know these things now. I live for myself now. But it took me 35 years, after leaving the church, to do it.

I am an atheist. But more strongly, I am an anti-theist.

Like so many others, I was raised quite religious, to live what became to me a false, distracted life.