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Having Children

If you had it to do over again, would you have had children?

My children and husband do not know that I am agnostic. The fact that they may one day come to the same realization pains me very much. The emptiness that I now feel makes me wish that I had not brought children into the world. I so hope they do not follow in my steps and face the truth that life was a tease..

By pryan
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38 comments

9

Life is not a "tease". Life is a wonderful adventure, if you allow it to be.
Life is still exactly the same as it was before you accepted the reality that no gods exist.
Besides, your children might surprise you and tell you they feel the same way.
I'm sorry you're feeling "empty". I think you've come to the right place.
Take advantage of the this community. I'm sure there are members who can help you
see that your life has even MORE meaning now that you chosen to live rationally.
We are ALL born atheists, pryan. It is our natural default position.
I get the feeling that something has happened to have made you shed your beliefs.
Perhaps seeing a mental health professional will help you cope with whatever that was.
It's okay to not believe, and it's okay to be honest about that.
Please engage with the community as much as you're comfortable with.
There are an awful lot of wonderful people here. You are not alone.

KKGator Level 8 May 16, 2018

What a perfect response smile001.gif

You said it well.

Thank you, both.

8

Why do you feel empty? I don't feel anything different. I feel freed from the fairytale and understand that I'm in charge of my own destiny not an invisible man that never did anything for me to begin with. My children are happy and healthy without religion.

Deidra500 Level 5 May 16, 2018

I feel empty because there is no god. There is no hereafter. I will end.

@pryan you are still brainwashed by believers. ...life is change....heat dies then gravity rebuilds ....thermodynamics is observed just as the awesome beautiful cycles in meadows and groves. ....who would want a boring ass heaven nor burn in hell for the crime of honesty reasoning zero gawds are possible concepts. ...self creating ex-nihlo creators? ??? Beware your religious vanity and live now in joyful freedom from delusional faiths

@GreenAtheist Thank you for taking the time to help me. I am transitioning, however, after say 65 years of believing, (even 7 years in a convent), I still feel deflated and sort of empty. But, I am crawling out of this and believe I will stand tall with time.

8

I have no biological children and I sleep fine at night.

Ditto

7

Life is not a tease. Knowing that this is the only life we have means we can live it to the full & appreciate every day.

GoldenDoll Level 7 May 17, 2018
6

No kids, no regrets.

CM1965 Level 6 May 17, 2018

I don't want them either.

same here smile001.gif

@walklightly in the movie ANGIE, Geena Davis pregnant in the title role heels in stirrups giving birth, more than pissed at her boy doctor instructions about "pushing" says: " don't you try pushing a ten pound bowling ball out the end of your prick ? " get a clue boys, real men don't force women to stay pregnant for or any other alleged "reason"

6

I don't want them at all. They are needy and they need things. I would never want that kind of responsibility. They are cute, but that's about it.
I would never want to deal with that.

Kassie Level 6 May 17, 2018

i was (& am) the same. makes it easier to live a responsible life.

@walklightly Susan B Anthony trained hundreds of " nieces " to fight patriarchy theocracy while not birthing a single zygote

@walklightly
I don't want kids getting in the way of my life.

@Kassie, western society doesn't know how to deal with little humans, so as parents you get a really shitty deal. who'd aspire to that?

6

My kids are the best thing I've done for this world. I'd do it again without a second's hesitation.

ronin73 Level 7 May 16, 2018

and the best thing you have done for your kids also

5

Let's unpack this.

I don't have children. Did not want them. Do not want them (and, at this point in proceedings, it ain't gonna happen).

I'm not quite sure how your agnosticism links to your feeing of emptiness vis a vis having children.

As a non parent, I know two things about bringing up children. 1) Jack; 2) Shit - and Jack just left town.

So, I'm no expert. It's like asking me to captain a space mission. Because that is not going to go well.

But I will say - from my observations - children are, amazingly, small human beings. They are plastic and elastic. They learn. Treat them well, my dear, and they will be fine.

Pal! I like YOUR comments, too.

You’re funny. We both know jack about kids. I’m going to say that’s a positive. I like your comments too! smile009.gif

@crazycurlz Thanks Crazy!

@crazycurlz, @CM1965 Thanks CM1965!

5

My son is grown and engaged and now I happily have two kids. We 'out' and discuss openly together, support one another, help eachother grow.

Is it possible that what your missing with your family is bonding through sharing? Maybe your emptiness is due to not sharing your authentic you? If I were you, I'd start opening that door gently and slowly...let them learn who you are and what you're about. In time, maybe they will come to accept you and maybe in time they will come to admire you. But the truth is, opening that door to them will help you learn to accept yourself and overcome that emptiness. HUGS, life is hard, taking an honest look at ourselves harder still.

crazycurlz Level 7 May 17, 2018

Crazy, I really like your comments.

I didn’t have kids (don’t really like them because of my younger brother and dislike of annoying things) and don’t think humans are going to make it. I’m not a big fan of life but it’s not empty just because there’s no Deity. There’s beauty, friends, things to experience, satisfaction in gaining knowledge, humor, great plants and things to do with them. All of that and maybe a few more. People are inclined to be happy, peaceful, helpful, creative and imaginative. If one is born then most generally makes it a pretty good experience. If you concentrate on the pain and ignorance then you won’t. Some of us do that but we aren’t the norm.

5

Absolutely I would. Life is beautiful and sharing it with them is my heaven on earth.

5

I am atheist, as are my children.Life is awesome. It is just so amazing,the odds against us being here are astronomical, yet we are, and we get to enjoy all this.
Life is brief, but that is how it is. We need to savour every second, a life lived this way is fulfilling and when it is finished it is complete. Nothing before, nothing after.
Only that which dies can bring forth life.

Rugglesby Level 8 May 17, 2018
5

I really really hate to admit this but if I had to do it over? I would not have children again.

Marcie1974 Level 7 May 16, 2018

Granted I currently have 2 teenage daughters and teenage girls are the 😈

@Marcie1974 ...... Teenage girls are a challenge, to say the least. More than once I wanted to "strangule" mine but that doesn't mean I don't love them. I understand where you're coming from, that's all 😊

@IamNobody my oldest was a daddy’s girl pretty much the moment she came out of my body, lol. She’s very independent, intelligent, a leader, self confident, etc. I admire that! But I’m the polar opposite so it was a challenge raising her. She’s in college now and we have a wonderful relationship.

My youngest is more like me but developed a rebellious streak I never had. She’s in truancy, failing all her classes and I’m not sure if she’ll graduate high school next year. 💔

I'm on my round of "teen years" and if anything can make you dislike kids it is those years!!

5

Absofuckinglutely! My daughter is the best human being I know, and my life would mean far less to me without her around. No question.

Condor5 Level 7 May 16, 2018
5

I wonder whether you have people near you who can help you feel less alone? Friends or a counselor?

UUNJ Level 6 May 16, 2018
4

I think it is a selfish thing; choosing to bring children into the world. We don't know if this future consciousness will be happy or not. Some live happy lives, some choose suicide.

And since we cannot ask a future planned consciousness if they want to live or not, and since no one can see the future, we make the choice for them, and this choice is all about our wants.

Choosing to have children, especially in this world, cannot ever be anything other than a selfish choice.

Agreed this "love gift" comes with inescapable strings attached. ...my girls are glad to be born Atheists never harmed by faiths but we all know kids born to idiotic agnostic parents who think it's "fair" to dose kids with hell threats and heaven bribes and "let them choose" ????? Fair for heroin in my view

4

This is one of - if not the - most interesting questions I've come across on Agnostic.com - it sure beats "pizza or tacos". I came to the realization quite some time ago that life is a cruel sick fk'n joke - but that hasn't made me regret my kids or having them. My son is an awesome young man - a far better man than I could ever be and my daughter - who just recently became a mother - is rejoicing in her role of being a mom and I love being a witness to it. I know that in terms of the human experiment that these memories or experiences don't really matter once we die - it's not like our consciousness exist after the body dies - but it matters to the living and my kids are doing great and despite my views - I would do it all over again.

SLBushway Level 5 May 17, 2018
4

Depends.
If I knew then what I know now - no, I wouldnt.
Given I didnt, I would.
.
Interesting thing : I have twin daughters, 39. Both have thanked me for being the only one who didn't bullshit them about things....but also told me they knew I gave up a lot to raise them.
Good kids.

4

Life isn't a "tease."
We are co-creators of our own universe..making our own reality-

“Consciousness is fundamental and matter is derived from consciousness." – Max Planck, theoretical physicist who originated quantum theory, 1918 Nobel Prize in Physics

birdingnut Level 8 May 16, 2018
4

How long have you been an agnostic? Rejoice in your liberation from falsehood! Some of your discomfort may be due to your not declaring yourself! There are books available that cover the topic of your discomfort, being good without god & humanist groups that teach that living life can be good! Check out the resources online, there's lots of them! Being an atheist wouldn't stop me from enjoying life & raising a family, in fact, just the opposite! Take care! smile001.gif

atheist Level 8 May 16, 2018
3

I don’t have kids and don’t want them. It sure would be nice to find a decent guy close by who felt the same!

I am sure you can find such a guy, just tell him how much money he is going to save just in college (About 100K average..... 100 freaking THOUSAND dollars just for one kid) plus cost of living and all those little things you support until they become independent, it does add up. It's actually kind of scary and I wouldn't have done it myself if I had given it a bit of thought. My daughters both already graduated from college, so I have put in a span of 7 years the hefty amount of > 200K... damn, I should be driving the most fancy Corvette !!!!!!.....nahhhh.... just a little tantrum, every penny spent on my girls education was money well spent. The serious note is that they are not cheap, that's a fact

I have observed that the best potential parents are childless people. ...how many women here had sex not expecting children ? I was a MrMom for over ten years learning more from my daughter than she wants to admit learning with me....I cannot imagine my life without my librarian daughter 42 and my engineering genius daughter 23. ...nonetheless my youngest was a high risk pregnancy proving the point no woman should be forced to stay pregnant risking their lives nor the guilt trip that every woman makes perfect gawdly babies. ....evolution is a very poor unpredictable DNA scramble

3

Yes, without question or hesitation. My daughter is an amazing little thing. She loves her life and I think the world will be better off with her in it.
You're not the first person to lose religion within a family setting. It happens. People move on. In fact, it's unlikely to happen, but one day my daughter could become religious. It's her life and I'm OK with that (and I have to be).
Your "life was a tease" is concerning. What precisely do you mean by that?

NotAndrew Level 6 May 17, 2018

Thak you for the response. By life is a "tease" I mean that it ends.

@pryan You're welcome.
The fact that life ends is what gives life value.

Love this response! Life IS the point, the end makes it more important, not less.

3

Don't want kids never having kids hell the whole reason my last relationship broke down was because she wanted kids and I wanted a vasectomy.

LeeMurray Level 5 May 17, 2018
3

I am so pleased I never had children. I count my blessings every day. It would have been a miserable life for me with them.

KenG Level 5 May 17, 2018
3

It’s better to see the harsh reality than a blissful lie.

Yup

3

While I couldn't imagine my life without my kids, I also don't know what it would be like not to have had them, so I really don't have an answer for you.
I am sorry that you are feeling so much emptiness. It looks like there's been some good advice given on what you could do to help get you over this in this post, and hope you will find a way.

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