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Having Children

If you had it to do over again, would you have had children?

My children and husband do not know that I am agnostic. The fact that they may one day come to the same realization pains me very much. The emptiness that I now feel makes me wish that I had not brought children into the world. I so hope they do not follow in my steps and face the truth that life was a tease..

By Freeofcancer
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36 comments

9

Life is not a "tease". Life is a wonderful adventure, if you allow it to be.
Life is still exactly the same as it was before you accepted the reality that no gods exist.
Besides, your children might surprise you and tell you they feel the same way.
I'm sorry you're feeling "empty". I think you've come to the right place.
Take advantage of the this community. I'm sure there are members who can help you
see that your life has even MORE meaning now that you chosen to live rationally.
We are ALL born atheists, pryan. It is our natural default position.
I get the feeling that something has happened to have made you shed your beliefs.
Perhaps seeing a mental health professional will help you cope with whatever that was.
It's okay to not believe, and it's okay to be honest about that.
Please engage with the community as much as you're comfortable with.
There are an awful lot of wonderful people here. You are not alone.

KKGator Level 9 May 16, 2018
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You said it well.

Thank you, both.

8

Why do you feel empty? I don't feel anything different. I feel freed from the fairytale and understand that I'm in charge of my own destiny not an invisible man that never did anything for me to begin with. My children are happy and healthy without religion.

Deedreaming Level 5 May 16, 2018
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I feel empty because there is no god. There is no hereafter. I will end.

@pryan you are still brainwashed by believers. ...life is change....heat dies then gravity rebuilds ....thermodynamics is observed just as the awesome beautiful cycles in meadows and groves. ....who would want a boring ass heaven nor burn in hell for the crime of honesty reasoning zero gawds are possible concepts. ...self creating ex-nihlo creators? ??? Beware your religious vanity and live now in joyful freedom from delusional faiths

@GreenAtheist Thank you for taking the time to help me. I am transitioning, however, after say 65 years of believing, (even 7 years in a convent), I still feel deflated and sort of empty. But, I am crawling out of this and believe I will stand tall with time.

7

My kids are the best thing I've done for this world. I'd do it again without a second's hesitation.

ronin73 Level 7 May 16, 2018
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and the best thing you have done for your kids also

6

No kids, no regrets.

CM1965 Level 7 May 17, 2018
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same here smile001.gif

@walklightly in the movie ANGIE, Geena Davis pregnant in the title role heels in stirrups giving birth, more than pissed at her boy doctor instructions about "pushing" says: " don't you try pushing a ten pound bowling ball out the end of your prick ? " get a clue boys, real men don't force women to stay pregnant for or any other alleged "reason"

5

Let's unpack this.

I don't have children. Did not want them. Do not want them (and, at this point in proceedings, it ain't gonna happen).

I'm not quite sure how your agnosticism links to your feeing of emptiness vis a vis having children.

As a non parent, I know two things about bringing up children. 1) Jack; 2) Shit - and Jack just left town.

So, I'm no expert. It's like asking me to captain a space mission. Because that is not going to go well.

But I will say - from my observations - children are, amazingly, small human beings. They are plastic and elastic. They learn. Treat them well, my dear, and they will be fine.

Palindromeman Level 7 May 17, 2018
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Pal! I like YOUR comments, too.

You’re funny. We both know jack about kids. I’m going to say that’s a positive. I like your comments too! smile009.gif

@crazycurlz Thanks Crazy!

@crazycurlz, @CM1965 Thanks CM1965!

5

My son is grown and engaged and now I happily have two kids. We 'out' and discuss openly together, support one another, help eachother grow.

Is it possible that what your missing with your family is bonding through sharing? Maybe your emptiness is due to not sharing your authentic you? If I were you, I'd start opening that door gently and slowly...let them learn who you are and what you're about. In time, maybe they will come to accept you and maybe in time they will come to admire you. But the truth is, opening that door to them will help you learn to accept yourself and overcome that emptiness. HUGS, life is hard, taking an honest look at ourselves harder still.

crazycurlz Level 7 May 17, 2018
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Crazy, I really like your comments.

I didn’t have kids (don’t really like them because of my younger brother and dislike of annoying things) and don’t think humans are going to make it. I’m not a big fan of life but it’s not empty just because there’s no Deity. There’s beauty, friends, things to experience, satisfaction in gaining knowledge, humor, great plants and things to do with them. All of that and maybe a few more. People are inclined to be happy, peaceful, helpful, creative and imaginative. If one is born then most generally makes it a pretty good experience. If you concentrate on the pain and ignorance then you won’t. Some of us do that but we aren’t the norm.

5

Absolutely I would. Life is beautiful and sharing it with them is my heaven on earth.

pepperjones Level 8 May 17, 2018
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5

I am atheist, as are my children.Life is awesome. It is just so amazing,the odds against us being here are astronomical, yet we are, and we get to enjoy all this.
Life is brief, but that is how it is. We need to savour every second, a life lived this way is fulfilling and when it is finished it is complete. Nothing before, nothing after.
Only that which dies can bring forth life.

Rugglesby Level 8 May 17, 2018
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5

I really really hate to admit this but if I had to do it over? I would not have children again.

Marcie1974 Level 7 May 16, 2018
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Granted I currently have 2 teenage daughters and teenage girls are the 😈

@Marcie1974 ...... Teenage girls are a challenge, to say the least. More than once I wanted to "strangule" mine but that doesn't mean I don't love them. I understand where you're coming from, that's all 😊

@IamNobody my oldest was a daddy’s girl pretty much the moment she came out of my body, lol. She’s very independent, intelligent, a leader, self confident, etc. I admire that! But I’m the polar opposite so it was a challenge raising her. She’s in college now and we have a wonderful relationship.

My youngest is more like me but developed a rebellious streak I never had. She’s in truancy, failing all her classes and I’m not sure if she’ll graduate high school next year. 💔

5

Absofuckinglutely! My daughter is the best human being I know, and my life would mean far less to me without her around. No question.

Condor5 Level 8 May 16, 2018
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5

I wonder whether you have people near you who can help you feel less alone? Friends or a counselor?

UUNJ Level 7 May 16, 2018
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4

I think it is a selfish thing; choosing to bring children into the world. We don't know if this future consciousness will be happy or not. Some live happy lives, some choose suicide.

And since we cannot ask a future planned consciousness if they want to live or not, and since no one can see the future, we make the choice for them, and this choice is all about our wants.

Choosing to have children, especially in this world, cannot ever be anything other than a selfish choice.

Ellatynemouth Level 8 May 17, 2018
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Agreed this "love gift" comes with inescapable strings attached. ...my girls are glad to be born Atheists never harmed by faiths but we all know kids born to idiotic agnostic parents who think it's "fair" to dose kids with hell threats and heaven bribes and "let them choose" ????? Fair for heroin in my view

4

This is one of - if not the - most interesting questions I've come across on Agnostic.com - it sure beats "pizza or tacos". I came to the realization quite some time ago that life is a cruel sick fk'n joke - but that hasn't made me regret my kids or having them. My son is an awesome young man - a far better man than I could ever be and my daughter - who just recently became a mother - is rejoicing in her role of being a mom and I love being a witness to it. I know that in terms of the human experiment that these memories or experiences don't really matter once we die - it's not like our consciousness exist after the body dies - but it matters to the living and my kids are doing great and despite my views - I would do it all over again.

SLBushway Level 6 May 17, 2018
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4

Depends.
If I knew then what I know now - no, I wouldnt.
Given I didnt, I would.
.
Interesting thing : I have twin daughters, 39. Both have thanked me for being the only one who didn't bullshit them about things....but also told me they knew I gave up a lot to raise them.
Good kids.

Slappy_Longarms Level 7 May 17, 2018
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4

Life isn't a "tease."
We are co-creators of our own universe..making our own reality-

“Consciousness is fundamental and matter is derived from consciousness." – Max Planck, theoretical physicist who originated quantum theory, 1918 Nobel Prize in Physics

birdingnut Level 8 May 16, 2018
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3

I don’t have kids and don’t want them. It sure would be nice to find a decent guy close by who felt the same!

RealmOfReality Level 5 May 18, 2018
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I am sure you can find such a guy, just tell him how much money he is going to save just in college (About 100K average..... 100 freaking THOUSAND dollars just for one kid) plus cost of living and all those little things you support until they become independent, it does add up. It's actually kind of scary and I wouldn't have done it myself if I had given it a bit of thought. My daughters both already graduated from college, so I have put in a span of 7 years the hefty amount of > 200K... damn, I should be driving the most fancy Corvette !!!!!!.....nahhhh.... just a little tantrum, every penny spent on my girls education was money well spent. The serious note is that they are not cheap, that's a fact

I have observed that the best potential parents are childless people. ...how many women here had sex not expecting children ? I was a MrMom for over ten years learning more from my daughter than she wants to admit learning with me....I cannot imagine my life without my librarian daughter 42 and my engineering genius daughter 23. ...nonetheless my youngest was a high risk pregnancy proving the point no woman should be forced to stay pregnant risking their lives nor the guilt trip that every woman makes perfect gawdly babies. ....evolution is a very poor unpredictable DNA scramble

3

Don't want kids never having kids hell the whole reason my last relationship broke down was because she wanted kids and I wanted a vasectomy.

LeeMurray Level 5 May 17, 2018
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3

I am so pleased I never had children. I count my blessings every day. It would have been a miserable life for me with them.

KenG Level 6 May 17, 2018
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3

It’s better to see the harsh reality than a blissful lie.

NothinnXpreVails Level 8 May 16, 2018

Yup

3

While I couldn't imagine my life without my kids, I also don't know what it would be like not to have had them, so I really don't have an answer for you.
I am sorry that you are feeling so much emptiness. It looks like there's been some good advice given on what you could do to help get you over this in this post, and hope you will find a way.

germangirl90439 Level 8 May 16, 2018
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3

"I so hope they do not follow in my steps and face the truth that life was a tease"

You'd rather they live a lie? And why do you think life is a tease? Life is what you make of it. Make it good, enjoy it. It goes by so fast.

Kbdank71 Level 6 May 16, 2018
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2

Do not have any children, and I have no regrets whatsoever. I would sure hate to be a parent nowadays.

BlackDove Level 6 May 19, 2018
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Likewise and with you 100% on all that. Enjoyed the eclipse near you last year! Perfect place to see it.

2

Are you equating lack of belief in a god with lack of meaning in life? If so, I think that’s a conflation.

brainyactress Level 6 May 18, 2018
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2

I was never sold on the idea of 'a baby.' Perhaps when I was much younger, I wanted to go there, but as I settled into a relationship with my (now ex) partner, it was something that I completely lost interest in. Not least because with her stress and depression made me think it wasn't the right environment to raise a child. And I was proven right on that one.

She wasn't interested for years either, then one day (as Men Behaving Badly so eloquently put it) her body clock started ticking so loud that you had to cover her in cushions just to hear the television. We went through six months of almost every other word out of her mouth being 'baby.' I resisted at first, but eventually gave in. She always got her own way in the end.

I remained indifferent until the moment I saw the first ultrasound image. And at that point, my whole outlook changed. He became a person rather than a concept.

Do I have regrets? Sometimes.
Would I hit the rewind button and take a different path without him in it? No.
But put myself in the position I was in 15 years ago, with no guarantee that the resulting offspring would be the son I have now. Would I want 'a baby'? No.
Would I ever have another child? No.

The only options for that would be surrogacy or adoption at this point, anyway.

I reckon having kids is the best thing and the worst thing you can do with your life, all rolled into one. The rewards are indescribable, but the sacrifices (mostly financial and personal freedom) are severe and sometimes difficult to deal with.

NicoleCadmium Level 7 May 17, 2018
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2

I didn't have children, but if l had it to do again l still wouldn't have children. Grandchildren are fun, if you could just eliminate the middleman, so to speak. ☺

Sticks48 Level 8 May 17, 2018
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