Why is it that some people keep on going back to an abusive relationship? I know a couple that have lived together, 4 times. the guy is not only verbally abusive, but phisically hurts her. She has her own appartment about 30 miles away. They are both felons. Is it that their minds are fried, or is she looking for monetary support? Or can she just not find someone else? I know none of you know these people, but I'd like some opinions from a sociology standpoint.
Thank you everyone for the replies. Especially from those of you that told personal experiences! I've studied sociology in college. I also have a confession. I had a 99.9% educated guess. Now it's about 99.99%. I knew he was adopted, and abused (so he claims). She claimed she had an abusive childhood as well. The co-dependence, lowering ones self-esteem, monetary problems, and no place to live are great points!
I avoid these two like the plague. But in a village of 600 people, you run into people you don't want to see. I think this has to do more with social control than anything. I have never met one of her friends. Ever. That's probably part of it. The guy comes bashing on my door in the middle of the night. Sounds like a SWAT team is trying to break in. I know it's him, but eventually end up answering.
These two BOTH went to prison for meth! I know he has relapsed a few times.
The last time he showed up was Friday. He came bashing on my door around 10 PM. I asked what do you want (insert name here). I opened the door and I thought it was just him. No his GF and son.
I said something like "oh Christ". She said "yeah the whore is back in town". She thought I was talking about her. No, I was shocked they were back together. I think both are overly masochistic. She and him blamed ME for the last time they broke up! I knew she was going to break up with him. She came to my house one day sobbing. No I have no sexaul interest in her, nor have I ever tried to make a pass.
Going back to what lots were saying, It's either monetary support. When she came over she also accused me of calling HUD on her. Until last friday I had no idea she was under a government program for housing! Her son said that we only have a few things so we can leave if we have to. She might have lost her apartment, since she claimed someone said she two residences. Now the guy makes more money, and I think her only source of income is child support.
Sorry for making this so long. I get the theories, but can't wrap my head around it!
Codependency is an addiction just like alcoholism and drug addiction. After a while it becomes a dopamine release to get emotional satisfaction from the other person. There are groups for that but most codependents don't realize what is actually happening in order to seek help.
They minds are so unbalanced that they can't function without each other, almost like a hard core drug addict. She can't live without his cruelty and he can't function without neglecting her. To be honest, when it comes to situations like that, I avoid them for obvious reasons. They won't take your advice for change, and the hero almost always becomes the victim. So in other words, if they had a mind maybe circumstances would be different, just saying
When you don't believe you are worthy of something better, you never wait for it to come along. You just settle for whatever you can get. Also, some people don't know how to be alone - it scares them, so they'd rather be with the wrong person, than no one at all. There could also be a certain amount of comfort there, being with someone who is familiar, even if that familiarity is screwed up. Also, the person getting hit, may think they deserve it. I'm sure there is a ton to unpack for these two psychologically that would explain it. All you can do is sit back and watch, you can't save people from their own bad decisions.
Speaking from personal experience you make allowances for it, for a variety of reasons, your 'normal' becomes very warped but you turn a blind eye.
Then one day I didn't want to be abused any more, I didn't know the day before that this would be the day. I paid, and am still paying, a high price for it (getting out) but I do have my sanity and my self respect back, the other stuff I'm still working on.
Not that it makes any difference but I'm a guy who was the victim of domestic abuse, we don't have much of a voice but it is getting better.
Social worker here that worked in domestic violence for a spell. Victims stay for complex reasons, but to simplify: financial independence is the biggest predictor on if a woman returns to her abuser after leaving. Fear of the unknown, genuine love and compassion can compel one to stay. Also, culture tells women to forgive and give second chances. Back in the 70s, police didn't even cuff my father after he doused his wife in gas and tried to throw her into a bonfire, it was a "private family matter". She went back to him once more after that! My mother left the church after being told her sin of abandoning him was just as bad as his attempting to kill her. Mostly though, the known evil is more bearable than the unknown for many. Sadly.
There are many reasons. Perhaps her dad treated her mom that way and she thinks it’s normal. Maybe she’s afraid of being alone?
I know how easy it is to get into one, I spent a year and a half being with an emotionally abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. I finally left when he started getting physical. He truly had me convinced that I was so stupid and ugly no one else would want me. I decided I’d rather be alone and happy than with him and unhappy. I don’t know where I got the strength to leave because I’ve never had great self esteem. Shortly after we broke up, 2 guys hit on me while I was waitressing. I couldn’t understand why they would be so mean and pretend to like be. That’s what verbal abuse does to you. Took me months to realize that they were actually flirting.
I wish your friend luck and hope she’s able to find the strength to leave.
Its more psychological... humans become desensitized to the abusive nature of being. This conditions the human to normality of outcome, meaning they become emtionally attached to the abuser. It could mean that she grew up in an abusive home, and again abuse is a state of normality. He obviously grew up learning these behaviors, or he is just a degenerate, a lower conscious being, or evil, sociopathic, narcissistic, ect... I am assuming he grew up in a rough environment. So he is acting out of his learned behaviors and environmental conditioning. I am not a psychologist by any means. But this should put you close to having a little understanding towards the human psyche or spirit. Birds of feather flock together.
Psyche= Greek = Spirit
Psychology = study of human psyche/spirit
Psychology = study of human mental cycles/circles as in relation to environment and human personality types.
Persona = from Greek term for mask
Should give you a better understanding, good luck
I am not a psychologist.
Because it’s better to have one in hand than two in the bush, no pun intended. Relationships are hard to find and they fill needs we don’t recognize until they’re either threatened or gone. Of course, often it’s best to have none, given the options.
I can tell you that as a prosecutor for 20 years the only thing I wasnt able to crack was domestic violence. I think all people should just be anti-pain. The worst thing that can happen is that the next guy will hit you. I understand all the low self esteem arguments. But I think just the pain should be enough. I had a first date once where the woman was going on about how her boyfriend would hit her when she came back from a night out with the girls because he thought she was cheating on him. The more she talked, I finally said, "Is there any reason it wouldnt be ok for me to hit you right now?" SHE SAID NO !!!!
I had a woman come in to the prosecutor's office that looked like a raccoon, that's how badly her boyfriend beat her, but when it came time to testify, she refused, "because he loves me." Then, in all my incest cases the wife never once sided with the children, never. In one case, after I was able to prove it without the little girl testifying, the mom called me the next week and said, "You know it really happened." I said, "yes, where have you been?" Her response was, "If he goes to jail how am I going to be able to send them to private school?"
In answer to your question, I've found in most cases, the victims AND the perpetrators were raised in an abusive home and think it's the norm.
It happens to men as well. Women are actually more cunning in their abusive methodology because most don't have the physical capability to intimidate. So they resort to other psychological means until the the male is completely submissive. (no matter what his size) It's then that the war of words and physical violence begins. I've witnessed this through friends and family over the years. Women can be monsters too.
We all choose relationships that are familiar to us...the ones imbedded in our psyche from childhood! At first glance, people can’t see how a smart and capable person (as myself), would choose a partner that was abusive! But, I never connected to partners that were loving and emotionally there for me! In the first place, that is a concept that is only in my mind...not in my experience! I had to rewrite my emotional experience (with therapy and experiences), in order to accept anyone that truely is loving and supportive of me!
One of the first things an abuser does it to tear down their victims confidence. The idea is to convince them that they're so awful that no one else will want them and that they deserve the abuse for whatever "sins" the abuser deems deserving of chastisement. Abusive relationships are very intense physically too . The hormonal rushes from the extremes of love/anger etc.can be addictive. So likely,yes, in her mind, she can't get anyone else.
He only hits you because he likes you ....woman are taught this at a very young age it sticks with some of them. Plus there's the " my love will change him " or he has shitloads of drugs and I like drugs ....lots of reasons only the person doing it will truly know