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I lived a life full of people.

And now my life is largely empty of that contact. I am trying, but the adjustment is not easy.

What about you - have you had a similar experience?

Palindromeman 7 June 18
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1

It seems that we each have the amount of humans in our lives that we decide we want . Otherwise we go seek more - or dump a few !

1

Mine changes in that regard when I move to new places, too. For the first 25 years of my life, I was very isolated. I wasn't allowed to leave the house on my own save for school or work. I could go places with my brother, but he was always a severe introvert and thus never wanted to go anywhere. The house was in an exceedingly difficult to find location, and in the days before GPS it was more trouble than it was worth for anyone to drive there. I scarcely had any social contact and, as an extrovert that nearly drove me mad. When I moved to Minnesota I scarcely knew anyone and had to go through what was essentially a second adolescence, learning a lot of things I had no opportunity to learn before, in a short period of time. I lived there for 15 years and gathered quite a circle of friends, but I had to leave Minnesota as I knew one more 70-below winter would land me in a psych ward. I'm in Washington state, now, and have been for three years. I'm starting over again with expanding my social circle, and it's been difficult, but at least it's going a lot more quickly this time.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to share my story. ?

Thank you for your story. It does give me hope.

1

I find my life goes in cycles. I have periods of time where I have contact with a good size circle of friends as well as stretches where I don't communicate with other people outside of work all that much.

Usually my more solitary stretches are associated with a move to a different location. It takes awhile to acclimate to a new environment and to have the locals get used to your presence amongst them.

2

Introvert that I am, I never sought out a life surrounded by people. However, it's all relative. When my 2nd wife died I had been preoccupied as her sole caregiver for a number of years and what little other relationships I had, had fallen away due to neglect. Fortunately before her death my wife had, wisely, pushed me out of the house each morning to go get some coffee and clear my head, and I was invited to join a group of men who met for coffee every morning, that turned out to be a good fit for me. It was a fluid group, not everyone was there every day, but it was always there for me and I found after my wife died that just having direct human contact sometime during the day was very helpful and probably all I really needed. That might consist only of sitting with them, or it might be superficial or occasionally lively conversation ... but mostly just the in-person contact seemed to scratch the itch for me.

In general I find that casual, simple, unambitious relationships tend to work out the best. I don't know what having a BFF is even like. It's never happened apart from my marriages. Marriage is high-maintenance enough, and at least you have some incentive to put in the effort. When it comes to buddies, especially guy friends ... anything beyond water cooler talk tends to run into a brick wall anyway. At least the way most of us are socialized in the West.

Agreed. My ex and I tried so very hard towards the end of the marriage. We were like two boxers at the end of the tenth round - exhausted and worn out. So, yes, I like your description of casual, simple and unambitious relationships.

2

Exactly the same, happened overnight for me. Its takene a long time to recover. Nothing can replace the mostly destroyed relationship, I formally had with my children but I am trying. Gin helps

Amisja Level 8 June 18, 2018

Thank you for sharing. Vodka is my weapon of choice, but I do like a good gin also.

2

Yup, and fairly recent.. But nature abhors a vacuum ..and voids are soon filled. Not all, but enough to allow me to recover from a major life change. Care for yourself, be true to yourself, and others will notice, again 🙂

Varn Level 8 June 18, 2018
4

Similar experience here. Married, had 2 children, divorced and then the mother of my children committed suicide. I'm stuck in the same town wanting to leave all the baggage of this area behind, glad to have no contacts and start anew. I just don't want to uproot my kids from their friends, but in the long-run I feel like they'd appreciate living in a better area.

So sorry for your awful experiences. Hugs

Mate, that is awful and fucked up. Thank you for sharing. I hope that works out.

3

My experience is very similar. Privately I am an introvert who's interests would likely bore you to tears. My working experience daily has always been extrovert situations to the extremes. This gave me some kind of meaning in my life, and I keep it going today with 3 hours of delivery in auto parts.
My big adjustment is that there is nobody to come home to. Nobody to talk to. These days I throw myself into my music and TV along with extensive computer updates on 3 units. I'm starting to be a perfectionist with that and it would bore you to death. If there was a woman around we would also window shop, go out to eat, and just look around a lot. I find that what I look at for sale today might be something I needed last week. Overall, being alone is not an easy adjustment.

Copy that. I am throwing myself into social situations - sometimes successfully, sometimes flaming out. But, you know, you need to do these things.

Your interests would bore me to tears? Mine include: literature; music; cars; old furniture; board games; cars; cooking; vintage china; cars; pulling over and checking out rest areas; cars. So, bore me to tears please!

2

What happened?

Ryksie Level 6 June 18, 2018

Lost my job, and then marriage ended. So I moved cities. You can't say I do things in halves.

@Palindromeman hugs

@Palindromeman It's time for new beginnings! Go for it!

3

I have what one person called a 'high burn rate' in my life, basically I burn the candle at both ends and in the middle too. So I outgrew all of my friends from high school and university a long time ago; tried hooking up with a few of them a few decades ago and it was a disaster. You do the whole how are things going? Q&A and while my life had changed several times theirs was just the same as when I last saw them, after 10 minutes you could hear the crickets chirping.
Most of my relationships with people were task based because as the boss you have to have a certain level of isolation in order to be objective but it also means you interact with a lot of people every day. Since I retired 9 years ago that social interaction is gone but I did pick up a lot of new friends in our travels, the only problem is that they are scattered all over the world so we stay in touch via social media. Locally, we have met few people that are interesting enough to make us want to become close friends with them, once again, crickets. You just have to be comfortable in your own skin as a lot of people are stuck in a rut and aren't going to let new people into their lives.

I note you are married and I think the thing people take for granted is the enormous difference it makes. Some of us find being comfortable in our own skin easy but being satisfied with nothing but our own company impossible. Among other things sex is so much better with someone else in the room.
Talk to my son on the phone a couple of times a week, he's literally my only living relative and some weeks is the only person I have an actual conversation with rather than the light banter you might engage in at the shops. If you are an extrovert by nature this really doesn't cut it.

@Kimba You are right about how important it is to have someone who is compatible with you. My wife and I spend a lot of time together and are happy doing so, I know many couples that barely speak to each other after only a decade together, we have been best friends for 20 years and we still enjoy being together.

I met a girlfriend on this website a couple of months ago. It flamed out spectacularly. I wasn't even looking for a girlfriend online. It sparked, caught fire, set the bonfire in a raging set of flames, then guttered and died. Nothing the next morning but cold ashes.

I generally lie when people ask me how I am. It's easier than the truth and it does protect their feelings.

@Palindromeman Better to burn up than to fade away. 🙂 As for the question 'How are you?' I've found personally that it is a rhetorical question 99% of the time.

@Surfpirate "Nuns. No sense of humour."

@Palindromeman Exactly what I was thinking - Happy Halloween. 😀

3

I know exactly how you feel. Had lots of friends when I was younger, but now it's just family, Friends all drifted away, never to be seen again. Very odd, as I see and hear people talk about friends they still have from GRADE school! Seriously!? But I still have my books, my guitars, and my motorcycle. And my wife, who has her own bike and rides with me. No more big rides with "friends." Oh well.

Copy that. Without wanting to get biblical, but I do believe everything has its time. Including friendships. Things change, people change. It happens. I do, however, have my MX-5 (aka Miata) which is as much fun as you can have with your clothes on 🙂

2

My life has mostly gone in teh other direction, was alone so much in my younger years, more recently it goes from insanely busy with people, too many people and not at my reuest, to a few weeks at a time when I see noone, can go a week without speaking to a person verbally at all.

4

Know this one well. Between divorce, son leaving home, retrenchment and living in a small country town I have seen my life carved away until it is virtual solitary confinement. Drives me nuts.

The first couple I adjusted to fairly well, went to uni, did honours, got a job doing community development, a couple of failed relationships, lots of social contact, not too bad. I'd go out and see a band by myself, quiz nights, pool comps, all the rest, I am by nature social.

Things started going really pear shaped about the time I got retrenched, that is isolating in itself and the small town factor started coming heavily into play, and blown head gaskets and other unrelated disasters involving unexpected expenditure saw me trapped here because at least I own the house. The pub that used to have the live music and pool comp got sold then closed for renovations one and a half years ago and hasn't reopened since. The friends I used to go out with had their own upheavals and the part-time job I do have is over the internet.

Personally it sucks. My current goal is to find a job somewhere where the prime social activity is not getting drunk, take it, sell up and move. Can't really move first because when I sell I have to buy or the taxman will crucify me, so currently stuck in limbo.

Kimba Level 7 June 18, 2018

One of the mantras I adopted while I was travelling was "home is in your head". Which is a powerful view if you can own it. And I own it. But I'm now settling into an actual house, which is becoming my home.

Community, on the other hand, seems to be a commodity in short supply.

Like I say, I am trying. And my resilience continues to surprise me.

I wish you well; I am not a totally self involved douchebag. I hope things pan out for you.

@Fanburger Thanks, mate. I just finished my latest novella in my celestial universe. And am about to launch into the next one; I think it's about time Judas Iscariot got his caper story 🙂

I remember a national geographic magazine piece on Perth, other than ‘a town like Alice,’ it’s remained ‘thee place’ I’d love to see in Australia. Must be beautiful, even nearby. Stuck with a house, though.. After every attempt to save mine, including my families homestead it was built on ..the divorce won.

Having been a community activist and volunteer, seeming to crave social interaction due to living in the deep woods, losing and leaving my home was traumatic.. Had a daughter planning to move to the US east coast, so I moved first. Southwest Virginia, on the Blue Ridge (little town of Floyd).

An eclectic mix, somewhat like a ‘baby Asheville, NC,’ there’s plenty to do. Able to purchase a home, I’m here now… Found local work I love, being in a position to somewhat chose an employer, for a change. Surrounded by educated youth and a progressive ‘boss’ and his wife, that part’s working.

but yur stuck. I don’t do much drinking either, same reasons. I’ve a better collection of music than the local cover bands coming through town ..and a little Blue Grass goes a long way. The flora & fauna of the region are far more diverse than Oregon’s, my home state. But dodging tics has me somewhat paranoid 😕

Blathering on here 🙂 I understand your pain, and wonder if I’ll settle into the same.. Talked with my 2 daughters yesterday ..they’d just passed their motorcycle endorsement tests over the weekend, having never ridden. Not sure where they’ll end up, one’s in love and the other’s thinking Hawaii… So, no conclusions - only varying, if semi-similar situations ~

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