Fecking fur babies...

I awoke this morning to a feeling of sandpaper scraping my nose and something gently tickling about the rest of my face as I heard a buzzing noise. In my sleeping daze, I thought maybe one of my asshole friends was using a feather duster to fuck with me. But what was that noise? I popped one fuzzy, unfocused eye open. Oh, that's a tail tickling my face! Must be my sweet little kitty cat giving mamma kisses to wake up. Awww...but what is that brown spot on her face...?
Both eyes open now, focus becoming sharper as I wake up a bit. Now it is all too clear...
The good news was that was indeed my cat's tongue scraping across my nose.
The bad news was, there was no brown spot on her face. That was her asshole. All of it. Displayed in all it's glory and pulsating with every guttural purr. I should know. I had a stunning view of it, so close that I actually had to back my head up to see it.
The news gets worse as reality sets in... My nose was not the primary target for that raspy tongue. Oh my, no indeed. My nose was merely in the way, an innocent bystander to Her Highness' 7 am asshole grooming ritual. Her tongue touched my nose AFTER it snatched dingleberries from her chocolate starfish. How long had this gone on whilst I was sleeping?

That nasty bitch...