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I am worried about a friend's health. I'm wondering if I should say anything to her. I haven't seen this old college friend for several years. Yesterday we met at a Face Book meetup and talked for a few hours and had a couple of beers, also we talked to some other people we knew there from college..

This friend always had a little trouble being overweight but now is very obese and also needs a knee replacement. Of course she knows it's not healthy to be so overweight but never mentioned being overweight as a problem or even mentioned it at all. I don't want to appear as a meddler or jerk but my inclination is to bring up the issue of health, although so far I have not.

iamjc 7 July 22

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Overweight issues can have far reaching effects. I have a niece that is very overweight, about 300 lbs. who frequently horseback rides and I feel for the poor horse. Is this animal abuse?

@iamjc It isn't good for the horse, she does barrels, pole bending and calf roping. The horse has developed leg problems because of it. I also think parents are responsible child abuse when they make obese children, by what they feed them. They are directly responsible.


I always take an example by the Buddhist monks who spend a lot of time sitting in meditation yet are not fat. We in the western world overeat by a ridiculous amount compared to them.

Denker Level 7 July 24, 2018

I submit a fat Budda, for your statement.

@malemusician aha but he’s actually Hotei, a Chinese or Japanese monk who came along later. The real Gautama the Buddha was an ascetic who spent six years living in the forest off a single grain of rice a day, so he was likely quite thin. Just sayin’ πŸ™‚

I like your Buddha though... very shiny...

@Denker Thank you for the clarification on the statue.


Probably being a good example would be better, like skip the couple of beers.


Three words: don't do it.


The only people who should be concerned about her weight are her and her doctor. You need to stay out of it. She doesn't need you to fat shame her under the guise of being concerned about her health.

GwenC Level 7 July 22, 2018

Please don’t mention it. I guarantee that she is fully aware of her weight and the health risks associated with it. Let her doctor be the one to have those conversations with her and just stick to offering her your support and friendship.

Leeshi Level 7 July 22, 2018

I'm sure she is very aware of her own situation, society point it out all the time. Just offer your support for whatever she needs.


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Probably best not to mention it, she probably feels bad enough already. Fat prejudice is sadly sill acceptable. Until the republicans bring back the others anyway.

You can, however, model behavior that is positive. When you have lunch with her, eat healthy. No refined carbs, no sugar etc. Weight loss is deceptively simple. Fiendishly hard, but simple.


As a person that weighs 300lbs, we know we're fat and we know it's unhealthy. Having a person whom you haven't seen in years telling us that will only get you removed from her life (if she was me).

Broaching something as personal as weight is not something a casual friend should do, and family should do cautiously. Most likely she is already struggling with what to do about it. If she brings it up, by all means give her what information you have, but until you are more than a casual friend, leave it be.

About gastric bypass/lapband/etc surgery..... she needs to think long and hard. The mortality rate is better than it was 30 years ago (my step son died after bypass surgery), but the side effects are, in my opinion not worth it. Also, unless you change your eating habits the bypass won't work anyway.


If you aren't willing to get into the trenches and do the work with her as a support system...there is nothing to say.

However, if you are willing to pick her up, take her to the gym with you or to the Y to go swimming, join an aerobics class with her, attend yoga classes with her, get her into an over-eaters counseling group and go with her for support, spend time in the kitchen with her making and eating healthy foods....then, by all means, offer your support and help.

She knows....she doesn't need told anymore. She needs REAL help.


A short story; My late wife was heavy most of her life,a few years ago looked at stomach reduction surgery as she kept getting heavier, at one time over 280 pounds for a 5' 4" frame is very heavy,so she did the surgery,lost weight,but being she was a smoker from High School stopping about 30 years ago felt good about it.

A complication set in, as her Doctor did not prescribe a long enough duration of a medication and she got the horrible infection "Cee-Dif" I believe it weakened her immune system, and the lung cancer got activated eventually taking her life. So if your friend mentions gastric bypass or reduction surgery,caution them please.......

@sarahjustme I would wish not her death on anybody,cancer in her bones and major organs,from diagnosis to death 13 months.....

@iamjc We had 27 years together(26 good ones),until her cancer diagnosis,and she just gave up(I felt), the twist of fate,was being told on out 26th wedding anniversary August 23,2016, and she was gone 13 months later......

@iamjc It's at night,when the memories visit, some joyful,others bittersweet,on advise of women here,I'll wait a full year(Sept) before trying to date again......


I am not so sure that you could just bring up such a β€˜sensitive’ matter to your school her weight! It may well be a major problem, but your friend may be harboring shame about herself and bringing it up, without some prior trust on her/your part, may hurt more than help! Encourageing her, for the person you know her to be...would be much more helpful.


I would suggest you say nothing. If you rekindle your friendship and become close friends, you might consider offering her support, certainly with the knee issues. But for right now, I'm pretty sure she knows her health issues better than you do.
While your motivations are sincere, you'll probably come off as a condescending, meddling, judgmental, know-it-all.

scurry Level 8 July 22, 2018

She is well aware of her size as it affects her health. Her doctors have told her more than once, other "loved ones" will tell her. She doesn't need a reminder from friends. If you want to be her friend, if the relationship is important to you don't mention it. She knows, she just doesn't want to address it with you. Sometimes we just need that friend who gives us peace.


Don't say anything.
As another poster has already pointed out, it's clear she's already seeing a doctor.
If she doesn't bring it up to you, it's not your place to say anything.
It's nice that you're concerned for her, but keep it to yourself unless asked.

@iamjc I still wouldn't say anything.


If you're not close, I wouldn't. If this person is looking at a knee replacement the doctors are going to be mentioning all the same things that you would say anyway - and it is going to be better received than if it comes from a casual friend. Most likely it's nothing that this person doesn't know anyway. If you are truly concerned, I would be circumspect about it and steer the conversation towards more positive topics that are related. You can ask if they have any interest in new activities that would improve their health - such as water aerobics (no knee impact) or healthy meal recipes.... stuff like that. See if this person shows any interest in areas that would improve the situation and then help and encourage her to pursue them.


Don't its fck all to do with you she will know and probably just wanted a day with old friends not judgemental ones

weeman Level 7 July 22, 2018
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