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My ex and I are still friends and we still go out and do things together: movies, museums, ziplines, kayaking, swimming with manatees, etc... We see each other 3-4 times a month and speak on the phone at least as much.

Lately the days/nights we go out have been ending in make out sessions which has me thinking this may all be leading back into the sack. Which is fine but it has me wondering why she felt we needed to be divorced at all. I didn't want the divorce, she felt we had to get one because she felt she couldn't be a wife to me anymore. She obviously still enjoys spending time together, so...

I'm confused.

If any women have any insight into what's going on in her head, I'd like to hear it.

Sgt_Spanky 7 Aug 9

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She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She enjoys being with you, OR you are her safe go to guy for when she wants what she wants, but she also probably likes dipping her toes in the water to date other guys. You could be her emotional blanket and familiarity. You obviously make your own decisions, but if it was me, I would tell her to make a decision one way or another. Ask her why she felt "She couldn't be a wife to you anymore". I have a feeling it's because she wanted to "cheat".


I'll just throw this out there - we all can make mistakes. Sometimes relationships are ended instead of worked on, and maybe saved ...

Sometimes, after a relationship has ended, it removes whatever pressures existed trying to keep it together, and suddenly it's easier to get along .

And sometimes people re-marry the one they divorced.
To quote Joni Mitchell : "don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone"
If you keep gravitating to one another - perhaps you're not done ?

Perhaps we're not.


If you want to know what is going on in her head, maybe you should ask. But before that, figure out what it is that you want so you can talk with her about that as well. I think it is wonderful to reconnect and hang out, as long as expectations are clear.


Damn, there are a bunch of mind reading, conspiracy thinking, relationship experts here. If you aren't sure what is on her mind, talk to her. You know, like an adult! Instead of what all these high school drama people are saying, talk.

If the relationship isn't what you want, don't have it. If you want to get back together as a couple, ask her about it. Just don't play all these games, tests, bullshit.

I don't get how grown adults can play all these stupid games.
It's taken me a long time to realize that relationships don't have to fit into other people's boxes. Maybe, the two of you are making your own rules. It just works better when both know what is happening.

My my aren't YOU the drama queen. In case you aren't clear about posting comments on a social media platform: We (people)
usually provide opinions.

@LilAtheistLady That is my opinion! πŸ˜‰ Mind reading as an art hasn't yet been verified. . Specially when the only half of the couple is the one nobody has any objective information about.


K and I were married back in the early 70's long enough to have a daughter and a divorce.,.. 15 or so years later, I was divorced from another woman, she from another man, and we re-connected...with the understanding that she had figured out, as had I, that neither of us liked being married....just flat did not like the role of being here we are 35 years later. Still together, and definately not married...


I can't speak for your ex, of course, but I do know that some people feel claustrophobic in marriage, like they're trapped, even when it's a good relationship and where they truly want to be. Jennifer Tilly said once about marriage that to her its like this: Imagine you're in a beautiful banquet hall and there's an endless supply of the most delicious food you've ever had. Suddenly, the doors slam shut and you hear them lock. No matter how great the food is or how great a time you were having, the only thought on your mind now is that you're trapped and worried about finding a way out. I think a lot of people feel like that.


Open and honest communication is your best bet. Preferably the verbal kind before moving on to the physical πŸ˜‰

Best of luck!


Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they are a good match to live together. I got along quite well with my ex after we split. I think some time apart allowed us to get past the hurt and restructure a friendship. As long as you're not being manipulated or held back emotionally by the situation, why not enjoy it?


This has been very helpful. In summary, I won't be playing the games some have suggested nor is there any indication of any malignancy on her part; she's not using me, nor manipulating me, nor am I being a beta cuck begging her for table scraps of attention. Seriously, some of you have some unresolved anger you need to deal with given where your heads seem to be.

I'll be going with the reasonable, mature adult responses that don't presuppose a pernicious ulterior motive because this isn't an episode of Dynasty. We're two people just trying to make some improvements to a relationship we both fucked up and are regretful that we did so.

Maybe rethink posting your business on social media if you're going to have a hissy fit from the feedback you literally asked for.

@LilAtheistLady You mean the feedback I literally stated had been helpful? No, it was a good thing but if I see a hissyfit happening, I'll rethink that. Maybe you should rethink being needlessly contentious with others on social media.


@Sgt_Spanky I'd say: Take your own advice.


I'm divorced too (not by choice) so take whatever I say with a grain of salt, or a sack whatever.

Here's what I see; she's in total control here and uses you for whatever she wants. That may be innocent and unintentional, or she may be holding onto you just until something better comes along. Either way you need 2 things, to figure out what's going on and to take control back.

She may not know what she wants and she may not tell you the truth if she does so the chances of you learning what she truly wants is slim. I wouldn't put much effort into figuring it out.

I would however put more effort into taking control of your own future. I'm not saying you need to control her, but you do need to stop letting her control you. At this point whatever she decides is what's going to happen. It's not necessarily what you want or what will make you happy or a mutual decision, and odds are that you're going to end up divorced, alone, and it sounds like broken-hearted.

I'm not sure exactly how you can take control of your own life as the specifics are in play, but I'd start with finding other things and/or people to spend time with outside of her. When your new life and your time with her collide she'll respond in one of two ways, jealousy or indifference. From there you'll have a clue as to her true intentions and as you build your own life, you'll get more. If she wants to be with you she'll find a way to make it happen and become emotional as you start to build a life apart from her, if she doesn't she'll let you go.

In the end you may not end up with her, but you'll be better off either with someone who proved it or not with someone who was only using you.

Good Luck!


I realize this post is several days old and I cannot speak for your ex but I can speak of me. I have been married twice & I have had 2 long term relationships. I am friends with all 4 of those guys. After my 1st divorce we tried to go back but there was too much mud in the water for both of us, especially for me. I believe there is a reason 2 people start a relationship in the 1st place and for yours to have lasted 20 years there is/was something strong there. Be sure to talk to her - not in the 'are we getting back together' type but in the 'I am enjoying our time together and I don't want to be misconstruing what I am feeling'. Also, as others have stated make sure you know what you are looking for.


Not cool. I am the queen of clean breaks. When I divorced my husband, I knew we didn't need a separation period to see if it could work out. It's not fair to someone to not know where they stand. If you're going to dump someone, you're not doing them any favors by keeping them around. If you don't want them in your life- let them find someone who does. You need clarification from your ex/non-ex before things get more out-of-control. Whether you are staying together or not- you deserve closure.


Long story short, she's using you as a crutch. She wants most of the benefits of a relationship but without the actual responsibility of calling it a relationship.

Been here, I concur


People do grow and mature. Maybe she has learned something about herself. Maybe you both have matured.
I would not hurry to make changes.


Just because she wants to spend time with you doesn't mean she wants to be married again, so don't let yourself get caught in that trap. Also ex's are ex's for a reason, just keep that in mind

Wow....Great answer.


Same with me...well we don't see each other because of the 1700 miles that separate us but the rest.
However a few months ago after not seeing each other for maybe 9 months she and I met 1/2 way to get me one of our dogs.
Things were never awkward and we moved right into naked in bed pretty quickly but she stopped me before things escalated to that point-of-no-return. Now she understands why I said we shouldn't talk or see each other unless absolutely necessary. We both wanted to but she understood it would be harder for her to move forward. It is EXTREMELY hard losing your best friend but it is very confusing to try and be best friends when you have a long sexual history and attraction. Relationships do not go backwards easily

My advice would be to get her there where it is her choice to say " whoa...this isn't going to fix anything. We were always good that way". Or maybe she will say..."we made a mistake lets get back together". Either way you have a solution.

The divorce was her call and I simply agreed telling her I was never going to be ok being done but if that's what she wanted I would do it.

I truly feel for you because there isn't much that is more confusing between men and women but I hope it works out for you both the way you want.
Good luck


Why not ask her? Seems she would be the best one to explain what she is thinking, and talking about it may be the best way to avoid problems down the line.


While your ex is filling in your time, you are Not meeting the one who is Right for you. Ask her WTH, and believe her answer & act on it, or cut her off!


Well just don't let it stop you from meeting other women..who knows what is in her heart? But she is sending out some strange singles.

She really should clarify what she thinks she is doing here...


Feel luck. My ex just uses me when she needs help with something, (her son, dog, house computer) but if we are together treats me like I have leprosy and keeps a circle of safety around me. That was one of the issues when we were married: I was crazy about her, she treated sex like it was some burden that she needed to accept a few times a month to keep me from being frustrated. She has no other real friends, she is not an easy person to get along with, and I have nothing better to do, so we help each other out. She has taken me to medical appointments when I was not allowed to drive and watches my dog (her dog’s pup) if I have to be away. But those are the only benefits.


Perhaps she believes she is seeing changes in the person you are presenting to her . Perhaps you're treating her with more attention , more respect , actually listening to things she says . Holding real conversations ? If you're going to go back to being the person she was married to , then it won't last .


Just say you are busy next time she ask or call. Then you will see her real intentions


Let me start by saying I appreciate everyone's input. Some of what's being said sounds more likely than other stuff but any of it could be the case. I am proceeding cautiously with this for several reasons:

  • We're having a good time together
  • There's still love there for both of us
  • We're healing old wounds
  • I'm curious to see where it goes

I'm able to admit to myself where I fucked up so I'm not without blame. She's making an effort as well so rather than completely end a relationship that lasted 20 years, I'd like to make the effort to improve it and repair some broken bonds. Neither of us is making any effort to meet or see others because we're enjoying each other's company. If someone else were to enter the picture then, yeah, the end, and we'll both go our separate ways and be done for good.

Just got off the phone with her prior to making this post and we made plans to see MI: Fallout this weekend.

remember, you do not have to have a piece of paper to have a loving and fulfilling relationship. Maybe this is what works best for the both of you - wish you well on the journey.


I think that if you’re questioning it yourself, then you need to ask about her β€œintentions”... I have an ex that I wouldn’t mind being in a FWB situation with, but I’d never want to get back together with him!

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