Anyone have a Fairy Godmother?
There was a point in life when I considered ending it. I had lost my job. Well I didn't lose it, I knew where it was at. There was just some other dude doing it.
I had lost my wife. I didn't really lose her. She was still in the house I had bought. I knew where she was there was just some other dude was doing her.
The IRS had seized all of my bank accounts. I was in debt up to my neck, and my dog had bitten me. I was really at a low point.
I went down town and climbed on the bridge that crosses the Tennessee River. I was about to jump. A voice says "Don"t Do it!" I look around and see no one. It was a slightly feminine voice. It says again louder with more authority this time "STOP DON"T JUMP!" I turn around on the steel girder I was on, and look again. The voice says "I am your fairy Godmother. I will grant you three wishes" I climb down from the bridge arch and a woman steps out from behind one of the giant beams supporting the bridge. She is a very old woman or a woman that looks older than she is. She smells of stale urine and years of unwashed body odor. She says 'if you make love to me tonight I will solve all of your problems" I tell her all of my woes. She takes a stick out of her shopping cart and waves it and says "POOF!" "Your wife will seek you out tomorrow to reconcile" Then waves it again and says "The IRS will want to settle all of your tax problems tomorrow" And Then says "Your Former Employer will want to rehire you at a greatly increased salary" POOF!' "Now you must make passionate love to me!" So I bit the bullet and loaded her Fairy Godmother shopping cart into my truck and found a motel. I used all of my cash to pay for the room. I tried to imagine my crone of a fairy Godmother as Kim Basinger in 91/2 weeks dancing to "You can Leave your hat on" and banged her like a drum. After our love making she belched loudly and said "I gotta take a dump" She disappeared into the bathroom, and I grabbed the trash can trying not to retch. When she emerged from the bathroom putting her clothes on, with the new stench from the bathroom mixing with her BO and old Urine fragrance. she looks at me and says "aren't you a little old to believe in fairy Godmothers sonny! And walks out the door.