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My ex-father-in-law, dear dear friend and second Dad is dying. I am not sure how to contextualise this pain. I feel I am no longer allowed to care but I do and this is just too much. How do we deal with all this shit? How are we meant to make our lives valid? Dr. Mel Firestone you were so very very precious my little life.

By Amisja8
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You feel how you feel; don't need anybody's permission for that. Hope you're able to directly convey your feelings/sentiments.


Life can be so shittily complex sometimes. You are allowed to care. Embrace your grieving it is what you need to do.?


You feel what you feel & are not in control of that. You are entitled to feel, whatever it is. This is a situation that one must work through. It is a passage from anguish to acceptance. Time is the means. You will heal. Homage to your love for this man is the greatest way you can honor him. A donation to a charity. Volunteer for a project in his name. Participate in an organization. Heal soon.

Mooolah Level 8 Aug 19, 2018

Just been reading through this, so he is in Arizona ?
Write to him, truly telling him what you feel and either mail it to him or a close friend that you can trust to read it to him. If you are that close, don't let the moment go past, or you will regret it. I did my thank you letter to my Dad last year, he was in good health then, but aging and I wanted him to know how really grateful I am to know him. I am glad I did it now because he is in a real decline these days, but at least I have told him.

Tilia Level 6 Aug 19, 2018

All we can do is celebrate the good memories and learn what is in store for all of us.

IamNobody Level 8 Aug 19, 2018

The best way to honour another person's life is to live your life in a manner that would make both of you proud. Funerals are for the living, the dead are long gone so if it will be a problem to attend the funeral then why bother? What you shared together is unique to the two of you and nobody else's business.


Sounds rough. Especially if you are no longer in the loop.


It's not matter of "being allowed to care"...but of caring. Show him your love, gratitude, affection.....Those who resent you for doing so are undeserving of your respect and your ex father in law' s .

DUCHESSA Level 8 Aug 19, 2018

Hugs. This sounds like a very difficult situation. I suspect he would very much appreciate knowing you care.


I agree with what @marionville wrote. If you have asked to visit and have been rebuked, you might consider other ways to address your pain, such as meditating, making a donation in his name, doing a service project in his honor, or journaling.

UUNJ Level 8 Aug 19, 2018

He is in Arizona and I am in UK

Your words found their way to my heart. Thank you.

@Amisja Are you able to talk to him on the phone, or is he past that? I too am still very close to my ex father-in-law, and fortunately can communicate with him freely. He is in fact so happy for me that I found love again, knowing what I went through with his son.


Of course you are still allowed to care. Nobody can tell us who we can or can’t care about. Are you telling us your ex’s family won’t let you see him? I hope not, as he was once a big part of your life and he yours. Surely at this sad time his family should welcome all those who love him to be able to say goodbye.....I hope you get to see and speak to him before he is gone,

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