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I'm curious to know your opinions....How honest do you think one should be in a relationship? Personally, I am a believer of being completely honest with a SO. If I question if I should tell him about something or not, I definitely tell him. If I wouldn't do something with him standing next to me, I won't do it when he's not there. I've always thought this was the best way for me to have a healthy relationship, however, I'm 47 and single again so I have to question it.

KK-okc 5 Aug 21

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5

Relationships must be built on trust or it will not last. Dishonesty destroys trust which can be very hard to ever regain.

5

When you're honest, you never have to worry about what you said before. Honesty across the board is the best case. And for the ones that keep insisting that little "white" lies are okay, I will repeat what I have said before: I would rather hear an ugly truth than a pretty lie.

Deb57 Level 8 Aug 21, 2018
4

Some of these responses honestly shock me. You are either 100% in a relationship or not. Withholding anything from your SO means you're not giving it your all or they're not truly the right person for you. No secrets, no withholding truths, no telling lies or even little white lies. Build that relationship with a strong foundation. Disclose every facet of yourself. Be loved for who are are, who you were and who you hope to become with your partner.

I have always believed the same. I do find it interesting how people can be on such opposite sides of the fence. I guess it’s just finding the person on my side of the fence.

Good luck to you!

response exactly why I love you. All else rests on trust.

4

Life is short. Get through it the best you can and try not to damage others. Sometimes deception is just part of it.

YES! Sometimes, the kindest possible response is a lie....a gentle one, perhaps, but a loving one.

4

It is a slippery slope. Once the "little white lies" are okay your moral compass starts to compromise and all hell breaks lose. Don't even start. Just say what is real and don't fudge.

That is exactly what I foresee happening with “little white lies”. I know that’s what I would do for sure.

4

Completely honest.

3

I can't stand being lied too, therefore I am brutally honest and expect the same.
I've always said "Be careful what you ask me, you may not like the answer.".

3

You might want to read "The Rules," a guidebook for masculine-trait women who lack the hard-wired instincts of a typical cis hetero woman with strong femme traits.

When with men, let them take the lead, don't sleep with them until you're exclusive, never treat men as soul buddies..i.e., don't pour out your heart, tell them about your past exes, etc...save that for your girlfriends. Don't be clingy or needy, but have your own life, friends, and work.

Let them pay for dates, give the romantic gifts, and stick to neutral gifts and cards. Typical cis hetero males with strong male traits need to be the predator, and if women reverse roles on them, they will usually flee.

Thanks, I will look it up!

My sister followed this book and loved it. She was single for a very long time following its tenants. She got the man she wanted, but he was weak and hurt her. I am not a fan of it. I think the dating rules for men 40 years ago are old-fashioned and if you wait to ask a man out that you like very much, he may not just ask anyone out, you may have to be there first. Men do not like funny women? Please.
[vox.com]

3

I lied for couple of weeks to cover a surprise birthday party for my ex wife.

Totally acceptable IMO

@KK-okc I thought so too, but damn if she didn't throw it in my face as we were arguing towards the end of the marriage.

@LouisD61 Really?? Well, I guess people can choose to be petty and look for anything when they can’t find anything substantial to bitch about.

3

depends what purpose the honesty is serving white lies are ok i think if they are infrequent and not covering up some indiscretion that the person telling the lie is ashamed of or knows would lead to mistrust also truth can be subjective ie i don't like that item of clothing i know they do why would i make them doubt it just say yes you look wonderful as always or some such thing and move on

Would you mind sharing what type of white lies do you think would be acceptable? I get the lies on judging someone’s outfit, etc. Are there other types you think are acceptable?

@KK-okc no i don't mind spending the weekend with...... of course i like your friend...... that was a really good cooked..... like i said nothing thats going to snowball or make the other person feel less than. Each couple is different some will accept white lies others won't you seemed to imply in your question that you won't lie or be dishonest so maybe white lies are not for you ergo you wouldnt accept them as harmless no matter what the intent

@weeman Ok, I see what you’re saying. No, I wouldn’t lie about those things but I would phrase it the nicest way possible to not hurt their feelings. I would focus more on the good things about the situations that I could mention. But all in all, I don’t think I would mind if someone told me those types of lies. Thanks for the examples!

@KK-okc no worries i have to say i would struggle with lies being told to me.I found when i was a person centred counsellor this often came up, with individuals often realising that in itself it wasnt that big an issue but that it often came hand in hand with more dishonest behaviour that was way less acceptable and i guess that is the problem with it good luck

@weeman Yes, that is exactly why I haven’t allowed myself to slip into the “little lies”. Knowing myself, it would end up destructive. Life with my exes, proved they did the same. Thanks for the input!

3

nobody is completely honest. i would separate it down into two camps, white lies, and lies that could effect the relationship, if you ask me does my but look big in these pants. i don't want a black eye. , but if you ask me big deal breaker red flag type relationship questions i always try to be honest, and expect the same

3

If it is something that would hurt their feelings surely some discretion is merited. What I mean is say an old flame was to contact you what would be the point of making the one you love jealous. Trash it and burn it.

Thanks for the input. As for me, I would tell him and also trash and burn it. I wouldn’t tell him in a way to make him jealous either. There’s ways of sharing that info and still proving I’m on his team and not some old flames team. You think that’s overkill?

2

If the relationship is good and you want it to stay that way, be honest. There is a type of destructive honesty though, in which someone becomes brutally honest at the expense of compassion for there loved one. For example, I would not tell anyone they are starting to look older even if they asked me. There is just plain crassness and rudeness in which a person gives a unsolicited comment that is rude. They may plead, " I was just being honest." No, they were just being rude. Honesty can hurt, but should not be used as a weapon in my mind.

2

Humm, interesting! I would say if it can land u in jail, shut the fuck up!!! LOL However, if u can't be honest, then why bother! I believe a lasting relationship is when ur significant other is willing to accept ur flaws & querks and still want to be with you! I also think, little white lies r acceptable. I.E. if asked if I farted, I'm going to say no, until it becomes undeniable! LMAO

2

I think the relationship changes the perspective and things that hadn't been addressed early in a relationship are often difficult to address at a later stage. During the honeymoon phase the tolerance levels are high and certain things that don't matter can develop into an irritant.
I think it would be perfect to be totally honest, but I don't think it is really that easy.
I realised that I had frequently not even been honest with myself. We drag the burden of education along.

2

I think the relationship changes the perspective and things that hadn't been addressed early in a relationship are often difficult to address at a later stage. During the honeymoon phase the tolerance levels are high and certain things that don't matter can develop into an irritant.
I think it would be perfect to be totally honest, but I don't think it is really that easy.
I realised that I had frequently not even been honest with myself. We drag the burden of education along.

2

Truth is the currency of love. Being single again is not evidence of improper behavior towards your significant other. Staying together with someone is tough. You are very attractive. Don't give up. Trying is never failure...giving up is. I would feel so lucky to have a healthy relationship with someone with so much natural beauty as you.

2

SO is the key factor and you should always be telling the truth. I've been told by ex's I'm too honest but that's just me.
In a new relationship honesty to a degree. I won't lie I just either answer a question with a question or change the subject.
Keep looking you'll find someone close to your age that has the same honesty trait you're looking for or even a little older. Lol

Haha thanks Randall!

And yes, SO is definitely a key factor.

2

Don't ask me a question that you don't want to hear the answer to.

I couldn't agree more!

2

I am one who appreciates the time I get to spend being single and being able to “selfishly” focus on only myself. None of my exes believed in total honesty in a relationship. Not saying it to insult them, it just wasn’t what they believed in. If that isn’t the popular belief with men, I would be kind of surprised that ALL the men I’ve ever seriously dated lived that way. Wth? Haha. Well, I am the common denominator so.....

@MereMortal Ah, I see. This is why everyone has their limits on telling the truth. This is why I question what those limits are for various people. Thanks for sharing.

@KK-okc If they lie about one thing, what else do they lie about?

Men will get away with what you allow. Personally I have zero tolerance for ANY lies and I can spot them a mile off. Lie to me once and I have no more trust in you...how can you proceed in a relationship where there isn't trust?

2

It is good to be honest about current stuff...all stuff! No need, however, to divulge # of sexual escapedes/partners!

I have never understood why anyone would do that. Not important who came before you, just that you are the last!

Completely agree! Those things are not pertinent.

2

Sorry to hear it. I there is a problem where idealism, even though lip service is paid to it, isn't really welcome in society. Maybe it's culture v evolution, and evolution always wins.

1

A truly healthy relationship is completely open and honest. The desire to lie and hide things is simply the expression of incompatibility... A perfect partner is perfectly supportive and thus nothing ever need be hidden.

However, it's important to remember that people are imperfect. Often strong relationships are rife with incompatibility and dealing with these relationship hurdles often involves white lies and 'protecting from the truth'.

Strive to find that partner that is always supportive. We all need that ?

Well said, sir! ?

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