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Do people take "Here for community" seriously? Do people even look in profiles to see what the person is looking for or not looking for?

I get the impression that a lot of members think this is exclusively a dating site and everyone is looking for someone. The "here for community" folks seem to be in the minority. I'm here for friends, fun chats, and flirts only, but I've gotten messages for men looking for a long term monogamous relationship. They chat me up for awhile then get very angry when I say I'm not interested in that kind of relationship, like I wasted their time. Last night and this morning I got messages from someone telling me I'm a beautiful angel and exactly what he prayed to God for!!!!! Yikes!!!

Is it too much to ask for to be allowed to be here just to make friends, enjoy fun play, read and comment on posts, participate in polls, share experiences with like-minded people, may be debate issues, etc.? Don't get me wrong. I do love chatting publicly and privately with many of you about all kinds of subjects. And thank you for understanding and respecting my preferences.

Pardon me for the rant. May be it's just because I had to block another person today and I really prefer not to block people.

graceylou 8 Aug 28

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66 comments

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1

I think it is how this site is advertised. It said that it was a "dating" site, and when I got here it seemed that is a bit inaccurate. 🙂 This looks more like a forum, which is fine, and if forum members start dating, that's bonus, right.

It’s advertised for dating and for community. People are free not to participate in the dating component. Anyone can easily see if someone is here for community by hovering or visiting their profile.

@graceylou Yes. I saw that. It totally makes sense. I am happy to have found an internet community of rational (relatively I suppose) thinking people.

8

There was a post earlier today that I am guessing was talking about the same person. Apparently, he has said that exact thing to several women on this site. I doubt he will be here much longer. He definitely wouldn’t be here if people reported and/or blocked.

My profile is pretty clear about my intentions. I have been here since January. I have had only a couple of people be flirtatious at all in private message and none that were obnoxious.

You have every right to be flirtatious yourself... And there will always be people who misinterpret playful flirting as intention or interest.

As for me, I am unashamed of how quickly I will block idiots like that. As soon as two or three women say that someone is behaving like a troll, I prophylactically block them. Like @AMGT mentioned, and as I wholeheartedly agree, it can greatly improve one’s experience here.

I will try to look for that earlier post to see if that might be from the same guy. Then the person might need to get reported.

@graceylou Starts with an A.

@BlueWave hmm. I don’t think it was. I think it started with a K.

@graceylou Yeah, my brain slipped. Last name was A. ?

@BlueWave yup. Likely same guy.

@graceylou Just looked him up. “Inactive”

7

♥ I have a rant post similar to yours. Lol! A lot of guys don't care what you want or what's in your profile. I sometimes block someone every time I log in. Believers are the worst and you should report them. What makes it worthwhile is once you get the losers blocked and out of the way. You get to interact with all the really cool people on the site. Xoxo .

Most people are great. I don’t have too many blocked. If I can politely explain that I’m not looking to date I would choose that. If they bring out god or get aggressive they are gone.

7

I honestly had no idea this was a dating site when I signed up. I heard about it on our local atheist FB page and I thought I would check it out. I don’t think about it that much as a dating site but have enjoyed the community. Of course, if I happened to meet a great guy.. that would be fine too.

5

Will you marry me? <JK> LOL!

5

I take it very seriously when a profile says "for community only". I'm not going to go after someone if they are not looking for a relationship. I feel that is a violation of their privacy and is just like harassment. I'm not going to put anyone through that no matter how attractive the person is. I wouldn't want this to happen to me so I'm not going to do it to someone else.

@Malia360 Thank you.

4

If I see someone has indicated that they're here for community, I take it to mean exactly that. I'm certainly not going to second guess them nor disrespect their reasons for socializing as they wish. I have vacillated a wee bit between "looking" and "community," myself, as I adjust to being single after the traumatic break up of a 17 year marriage. The last thing I want to do is bring old baggage on a new journey.

Deb57 Level 8 Aug 29, 2018
4

If you want guys to stop hitting on you, change your profile pic to something hideous - like Church Lady. I'm surprised anyone is talking to me at this point.

Yeah. I’m not going to make changes for or because of other people.

4

I am about to change to "here for community" myself, as i seem to have fallen in love with a friend right here under my feet. Others put that because they are married or otherwise involved....

4

I think I'm the majority here who do take someones community status seriously, it's a shame about the few. It's easier for a man without the harassment the women seem to have to endure. I don't really believe there's much potential in dating sites anyway, the anonymity gives the crazies a chance to shine. I've said I'm open to meeting women as you just never know but I'm not too serious about that side of things, especially with most of you hotties being half a planet away!! Community only is probably more accurate, but it feels like an uneccessary restriction. If I was a woman in the same circumstances I imagine I'd quite quickly be ditching the dating option too! But yeah anyone I get to know and meet while I'm visiting the provinces (sorry, couldn't resist ? ), let's just be friends and have a scream with no amorous undertones. If real chemistry took over I'd have some expensive life changing decisions to just do but thats no way to plan a holiday! I guess I should be updating my placeholder profile info rather than typing here I've got a bit carried away and hijacked your topic sorry!

Salo Level 7 Aug 28, 2018
4

Perhaps it’s because I’m a man, but I haven’t had that experience here. I have 9 sisters and completely understand your plight. If you’re an attractive woman it is especially difficult to get through nearly anything without being hit on. I’ve just never understood why a guy would act so put out just because you’re not interested...especially if you made it clear that you aren’t looking for a relationship. Sorry for your trouble graceylou ?. Just know that there are plenty of decent people on here that are more interested in your mind.

Yes, there are many wonderful people here I enjoy chatting with and getting to know. I’m not looking for a relationship but I have formed some relationships here, just not THAT type most people are looking for when dating. But absolutely, the majority of the members here are decent, exceptional, intelligent, funny, brilliant, creative, witty. And literate enough to read profiles.

3

I have had the same experience. They even tell me they liked my profile which states I am not interested in any type of commitment and still they try. They do not seem to care who I am or what matters to me either, unbelievable and reeks of desperation!

@Charity It kind of shocked me at first. I thought men were the ones that had commitment phobia.

3

Don’t get any messages as I don’t have time for bullshit. I find dating utter bullshit.

Livia Level 6 Aug 29, 2018
3

I've always had the view that 'here for community' just means not actively looking for "love" or whatever, but that doesn't exclude making friends or connections with others. I think it would be mistake to assume that here for community-ers are secretly looking for a relationship or some affair of some kind. If they are looking for that why not just say so. As a here for community-er, if I were really looking for that I wouldn't conceal it.

Exactly. And people can choose whichever option they like without judgement from others or assumptions. Most people are great whatever they choose. Some people though....

3

Do whatcha gotta, block who you have to. And have fun YOUR way !

3

It should not be a big deal at all. I think we are here to talk, otherwise I don't see any other. Dating? Even when living in the same city is hard with busy life and hectic schedule. My point is, you talk to whoever for as long as it suits you. The minute the conversation goes off the road then you are in control and its your choice to stop talking. We all are adults but I understand there will be always the troll or weirdo pushing the envelope. Those you block and there is no need to feel bad about it. Again, I think its important for you and everyone who see not so pleasant reactions from conversations that you are the one in control. Of course there are basic common sense rules that go without saying like never never never release personal details or information like phone number and address if that person has not fully earned trust. Long story short, keep talking and don't penalize everyone because of few bad apples. Take care ?

3

The whole God thing makes me wonder if such things don't come from bots. While it has never happened on here, I do sometimes get contacts from "women" saying that I am just the man they are looking for but it is clear that they never read my profile and am very much NOT their ideal match. Catfishing, phishing, Nigerian Prince and IRS scams... these are annoyances of the internet age.

It is also true that there are quite a lot of really attractive women on here, made more attractive by being intelligent, thoughtful and not full of strange ideas that were never even theirs to begin with. Although I am in a happy relationship and am not looking to date, sometimes I secretly wish that I were free to date, or wish that I had found this place when I was dating.

3

I certainly understand your preference not to block, but if it comes down to blocking someone versus compromising the experience that you prefer here, "take Paul Lynde" for the block. It's really painless all the way around.

3

I guess I'm lucky then. I'm here for the same reasons you are but I don't have any men chatting me up. Lol. I don't have any ladies doing it either. Not so "Lol".

3

Sorry this happens to you. This is true, I just want to read and comment on posts lol I still get messages here and there but for the most part being "here for the community" has helped a lot. I feel the same way. I would hate to have to block people but sometimes you have to do what's best.

Yes, I think it could be a lot worse. I mostly blocked today because of the god thing.

3

I joined in the hope of dating, but I stayed because of the community. It's great fun being on here and talking and laughing with like minded people. I hope this doesn't sour you on the site too much. And I have a feeling that this happens a lot more with attractive women, sadly.

No. I’m not discouraged from staying in the community. It’s just that something like that might ruin my mood for the day. I’m really enjoying myself here otherwise, especially in the groups.

3

That's sucks, sorry for your ill experience. I hope you continue to enjoy yourself. You contribute some interesting perspectives and are quite witty and playful. Hope you have a better day darling

Thank you. You are very sweet. For the most part I have fun here. Only now and again I get a few desperate sounding people who need a life partner now!!! Since I list myself as here for community I don’t feel the need to lay out all my personal and relationship information in my profile. Those who get to know me will find out more of that by getting to know me as friends or more.

2

Men are horny assholes

I don't mind horny men at all. It's the ones wanting a long term monogamous relationship with me that are the problem. LOL.

@graceylou -which is odd for guys-i figured more would like he idea of a non-monogamous relationship

@CalvinJoe I think some people are genuinely looking for a life partner. I am not it!!!

2

The sad thing is, almost anywhere you go online, there are people who won't leave female-identified people alone. They think we're all essentially commodified objects, around for their entertainment, and will welcome their advances because we're supposed to feel "flattered" by their attention. This group is no different from any other and there are plenty of people here (mostly male-identified people) who behave that way.

2

If you are not here for dating kindly and politeness i Deliverance of rejection is the only compassionate response. Also early delivery to avoid attachment syndrome.

I’m kind and polite but when they get aggressive I don’t stay nice too long. And if they are a believer they get what they deserve.

2

I laughed when I read this. I just visited a page where a woman said she was only here for community then said she liked to be spanked and has always wanted to have sex in a beetle. Some pretty mixed signals. I think your dilemma is not unique to this site. As a man it is always a little confusing to approach a woman or not and what is a brush off/how to read body language. A never ending battle/game for sure.

My issue is not that I have a problem with being hit on. I don’t have a problem with people who want to chat, flirt, play (I will leave that undefined), whatever. It’s the guys who out of nowhere get serious and desperate, and aggressive when I explain that I’m not here for dating and I’m not looking. I’m pretty easy going and I’m not easily offended by men sending me messages that are a bit risqué or even pics. I get that a lot of people here feel lonely and are really looking for a life companion but getting angry and aggressive at someone who tells them she’s not likely to be what they’re looking for is not acceptable.

@graceylou I hear you. I have never understood that either. Guys who chase a woman and beg for attention has always been a mystery to me. Getting angry with a woman who does not want attention is also a mystery. When I was 18 and working in the Wyoming oil fields three women asked to sit with my friend and I, so we obliged and bought some beer. The husband showed up with a rifle punched me in the chest with the barrel and told me "buddy you are going to die". I made it out but took years to feel comfortable in talking to women in public again.

@Aquaeyes Wow that is crazy. I talk to everyone here, except the believers. I presume people know to check my profile and look at what I'm here for. Most are very courteous and would ask me first if I would be interested in chatting about certain more "involved" topics. And usually I have no problem, and it's a lot of fun. I do appreciate the majority of the members here.

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