Feeling a bit bummed. I had a friend that I could talk to about anything. I had known him for 18 years and two two years ago we reconnected. Unfortunarely, "anything" involved heavy flirting and eventually an emotional affair. Had we not been 2000 miles apart I'm pretty sure it would have turned into a physical affair. He was the one that got away and I was the same for him. Our spouses found out, they were mad, have us ultimatums. Had he said he was leaving, I would have jumped at the opportunity. He wanted to stay with his wife and daughter, and eventually he cut me off completely.
Affair aside, I miss being able to talk to my friend like we used to do. It makes me sad that I can't reach out to him anymore ?
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I am sorry to hear this. I believe that it is complete BS to say that men and women cannot just be friends. Of course if you are friends their is an emotional connection, it is called being a friend. You love that person, often as much or more than family, because they are family by choice. Can this lead to something more, absolutely. My wife is my absolute best friend. But we all need more than just one friend.
This is not to say that sometimes lines get blurred, especially in troubling times or times of stress. But with that said it is all part of being human. There is nothing wrong of taking care of you, and sometimes that means having that someone you can share anything with.
KDrake
Level 5
Sep 22, 2018
1
I've been in that place. It's very uncomfortable and difficult when boundaries get crossed. Maybe you need to focus more on the relationship with your husband and see if there are problems that would make you want to be so involved with your friend? Nothing wrong with having close friends of the opposite sex, but it gets very tricky when lines are crossed. I'm thinking you also may have some unresolved issues with the way things ended with him years ago.
bleurowz
Level 8
Sep 18, 2018
1
Oh there were definitely unresolved issues. When we reconnected, we hadn't spoken to each other in 18 years, and it was nothing to pick right back up like it had been yesterday. So the more I talked to him, the more I went back to when we hung out all the time, and the more I remembered how I felt about him. As far as the relationship with my husband, that's a long thread in itself. We're constantly working through something or another.
I don't want to pretend to be a psychologist, but maybe it's more than just you missing your friend. Maybe there is an emotional connection missing from your relationship with your spouse?
mikecagain
Level 7
Sep 18, 2018
0
Yes that too. Something we're working on. But I definitely had a connection with this other guy. I always had.
I have an ex mother in law who tells everybody that computers are responsible for the breakup of many marriages. I think she misplaced responsibility here. Nothing guarantees that you and this man would be a match really even if you seem to be so much in agreement. Words on paper or a screen mean little when you have not even met.
Here's my similar story. I have a Facebook friend on the east coast whom I have talked to up to 4 hours at a time on the phone. We have been friends over a year and have never met. She is like a princess and would really like to be one. We think alike in many ways and are in agreement and supportive. I tell her that if I win the lottery I will marry her. I think she would do this even if I am 72. Where would it be in 10 years? I respect her and value her opinion but the more I look at this I see exactly what happened between myself and my ex. I am attracted to younger women and often there is a great age difference. I am willing to take a chance on this situation and I see no other families or marriages that I would break up in doing so. The destroyed lives are what you have to deal with here, so maybe you really are spared some grief in your case. In my situation I see a pattern that continually wants to repeat itself and my relationships last about 12 years and then go all to hell. Look at yours carefully.
Ask yourself if it would have really of been worth it. Ask yourself how children and others would deal with it and how long you think the utopia would go on. Been there, done that. What I left out of my story is the time that I gave in to a situation similar to yours. What I offered you is a bit of what I have learned from it.
DenoPenno
Level 9
Sep 18, 2018
1
You misunderstood. We have met, 20 years ago. He was my best friend and we saw each other almost every day. He always had a thing for me but by the time I realized it, it was too late to do anything about it because I was getting out of the navy. Then we lost touch until two years ago.
@VelociraptorRemy The fact that you met 20 years ago does not nullify my words or advice because you seem to be searching for justification. There is no justification in this situation.
@DenoPenno not searching for justification. Just miss talking to him, that's all. Nothing will justify it. We had a type of affair, and it's both our faults that we missed our chance years ago. I'm just feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could go back to 20 years ago.
@VelociraptorRemy In that respect we all with we could go back 20 years or more.
Play with fire, get burned.
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Sep 18, 2018
0
True. And I know I'm just kinda wallowing in my self pity right now, but I'm aware that there are consequences and ultimately I brought it upon myself. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I really loved this guy.
That is what is called an emotional affair and is a form of cheating.
There is no good reason to ever do that to your spouse.
If you are that unhappy, either get counseling immediately or get a divorce.
Or do both.
SkotlandSkye
Level 8
Sep 18, 2018
1
This is true. We were both guilty of it. And we both chose to stay with our spouses. And that's fine, but I miss having him as a friend.
More proof that men and women can't be "friends," despite all the denial.
birdingnut
Level 8
Sep 18, 2018
0
Bullshit. I have many guy friends that are strictly platonic.
@VelociraptorRemy To YOU maybe, but most cis hetero men are friends with women for only one reason..in hopes that some day they'll get lucky.
Bit of misandry attitude I thinks..
I have a lady friend who lost her husband after I lost my wife. We supported each other in the loosing and are best of friends. There is a strong emotional bond and we have done a lot of things together. We are not romantically involved and we both want it that way. She knows me better than anybody except my wife who's passed. It's good for me and her to have someone who we trust with almost anything in our lives.
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