A friend of my daughters from an Irish Catholic family had a rough time last week. I’m having a rough time understanding.
She and her long term boyfriend found a new apartment close to both of their jobs, excited about it and ready to move in.
She told her folks and her dad went bonkers!
Both 23, both music teachers, both had lived with friends over the past 5 years.
Her father called on her loyalty to him, her love for him - as he forbade her to move in with the BF. She conceded to his demand.
Now she commutes an hour, her BF 40 minutes - each way daily!
They even considered getting engaged to appease her dad.
Now, her parents are my age. Very warm, loving, fun people. But a surprisingly archaic religious outlook...no?
I’ve married and lived with a few Irish Catholic. The mother of one - a WAV! Born 1925 - simply stated ‘I need to say that I cannot approve of you living together. I had to say it. Let’s enjoy dinner now.’ That’s it.
My parents never questioned or judged my living choices. Jewish.
The girl, my girl, their friends, are all secular humanists.
Am I naive in thinking the dad is an exception in this day and age?
Is this common?!
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Given they are 23, not practicing Catholics and intended to live together, it is reasonable to assume they are having sex. So, banning them from living together is probably akin to closing the barn door after the horses get out.
A2Jennifer
Level 8
Sep 23, 2018
1
The fact that the daughter can’t stand up to her father in things that materially decrease their standard of living (those are long commutes) does not speak well for the relationships.
Decisions made as a couple should not be subject to the whims of those who are not in the relationship.
Maybe give her some advice on how to set appropriate boundaries with her father? (If you are in a position to do so, not sure how well you know her.)
Myah
Level 6
Sep 23, 2018
2
i love your answer.
Father's are very protective of daughters. Way more so than the sons. It's cultural, beyond religion. I believe it's all in how "Dad" was raised. We learn our prejudices, our alligences, our work ethic.... all that stuff, around the dinner table.
bigpawbullets
Level 9
Sep 23, 2018
2
dad's got a hang up. that's just the old school way. maybe the old old old school way
hankster
Level 9
Sep 23, 2018
1
I believe it's REALLY old-school. As in brain-stem tribal old school.
plus...its his daughter...maybe he doesn't like the guy?
@AmiSue
I had this instinctive reaction with my stepdaughter. It's got something to do with protecting the tribal genetic pool or something. Totally irrational, but powerful.
@AmiSue you know what they say in the old country? "this is the old country" ....... there's certainly some old country there. for the times we live in before Our Lives. in the West under the Christian dogma this premarital cohabitation would have often/always been frowned upon, this is just a lingering tentacle of those ideas.
@AmiSue If she is Korean born (adopted?), then she probably feels that she has not found many places where she fit in. So her family may seem like her only/last refuge. The boyfriend, we hope, treats her well, and if they get along well, then he is another refuge. Too bad her dad has to be such a jerk about it. He sounds very small-town, very limited and limiting. If you can, encourage her to stand up on her own, and encourage SOMEONE to stand up for the daughter.
This is not common these days. My 2 oldest have their significant others living in my house... I don’t think this is normal.
BBeberstein
Level 7
Sep 23, 2018
0
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