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I’m new to this community and a parent of young children. I’m struggling with how my husband and I should handle the religion “issue” as it comes up occasionally as a result of most of our friends and family being Christian. I don’t want to force my beliefs onto my children. I don’t want to encourage them to go to church but I don’t feel like we should prevent them if they ever ask to go. I find myself being afraid of having them rebel directly into Christianity if forced to stay away. I don’t want to risk it becoming this intriguing and mystifying concept or idea that they ultimately fall into because their parents told them it was a fairly tale while everyone else tells them otherwise. Those of you who are parents, how do you handle this?

Beverly256 4 Oct 6
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Identifying as Christian can range from a pentacostal who wants to bring back witch trials to a religious scholar devoted to its community structure and allegorical representation of psychology and sociology, without any supernatural assumptions. This spectrum is more recognized in Europe than the United States simply because many European governments, including the Westminster system of Britain and Commonwealth nations is literally a christianized governing system entwined with the Anglican Church, which is rooted among its legislature and in some cases solely responsible for whether something is legal or illegal: purely religious imposition. Conversely, working under a system of checks and balances and legislature, even criminal justice systems by public representation the United States cultural view towards Christianity trends heavily as a secular versus fundamentalist argument, neatly bipartisan.

The reason I make this point is when you talk about concerns of children being unduly influenced by Christians or other religious devotees I suspect you're talking about fundamentalists and pentacostals, those whom either demand the unquestioning devotion of all community members to their beliefs or otherwise, themselves believe in the literal accuracy of multiple transliterations and translations of ancient texts writted in limited and comparatively restrictive languages originally.

In turn the reason I make this point is that you're worried about young children being influenced by thugs and idiots, as are we all. Not mutually exclusive with religion, plenty of atheist ones too, even buddhist ones. It's a people thing really.

The strategies are the same as every other form this dragon rears its head. Instead of someone inspiring your child to ask about christianity or God, what would you say if they were asking about marijuana? Say the neighbour is a couch fungus and told them it's actually mind expanding and reduces violence in people (mostly because they're so stoned criminals just take what they want from them without a fight). You don't want to freak out at them in case you inspire a rebellion the other direction, you see the basic principles are really the same?

What you're dealing with isn't really about the subject matter but more the people using it, ie. someone using religious devotion to lower the intellectual bar of others just to keep a low standard themselves, which effectively means when they assert their opinions it is by bullying others.

And the reason I make that point is the subject matter itself is no more difficult for even a primary school intellect to negotiate than choosing your favourite car model. Sure it's going to be a little unqualified without the experience of driving yet and so some largely irrational reason relating to pure whimsy will be greatest factor and that's just fine. It won't change their personality and if any conflict does come between their interest and their behaviour then you'll talk to and support them about that, when that time comes.

Mostly, strengthen to resist bullies, whether they're religious bullies or otherwise. The rest is the freedom to explore daydreams they wish to entertain as period interests and where these come into conflict, just be honest and open along the way and explain your position and concerns. Even very young people can be remarkably intelligent without particularly trying about issues we adults think are very complicated. The question of whether a Zeus is telling us all what to do isn't actually complicated. The question of whether a complex astrophysical structure is capable of emulating intelligence, okay now that's a complicated conversation. On the plus side virtually all religious bullies believe in the Zeus thing, so they're kind of surpassed by an intellectual age of approximately 8 in the first place.

I’ve never really thought about it in terms of being a bully pulpit but it makes sense. Most of my family would be classified as (Republican) fundamentalist with a tiny peppering of them being unaffiliated. The worst of them are Baptist preachers and scholars who attempt to cram their ideology down everyone’s throats with a smile on their face. Jesus is love but make a wrong move and you’ll burn in hell for all eternity. I’ve worked very hard to shelter my children from them to the extent of moving states away to minimize their impact.

@Beverly256 I think this academic low bar paradigm of fundamentalist/pentacostal religious assertion represents intellectual bullying so succinctly that the same strategies really ought be considered as for dealing with physical bullies in school yards. Certainly an initial parental reaction of sheltering is prudent simply to alleviate shock response and easy victimization. But this should be considered a respite for which to develop independent problem solving skills and empower as opposed to enshrine the subjection. I suggest using the enquiries inspired in your children by intellectual bullies to engage fruitful and intelligent discussion of the subject matter, finding opportunity yourselves, as parents to remain impartial and academic regarding young, curious minds. So that they can empower themselves through personal struggles with logic and sentiment. Treat them like intelligent human beings, of an intellectual age they decide for themselves via endeavour and undertaking of personal responsibility, just put a pair of catchers mittens on and jump in if things go poorly, as parents are quite rather worthy to do for their beloved children.

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First you have to understand that Ateism is not a belief, it is a lack of a belief. Just teach your kids to question everything and to logicaly scrutinize the data they gather. Teach them that not knowing things is ok. Teach them about how humans used to believe in gods that controlled nature until we learned how it actually works, then we stopped believing in those gods. Teach them that as humans advance we will learn more things and human kind will evolve more.

MarcT Level 7 Oct 6, 2018
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You sound level headed on this issue. It is a slippery slope and I agree that you do not want to scare the kids into religion.

Yes, there are enough real, scary things going on in the world.

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I talk to my 11 year old about it. She knows what I think and why but I say it's up to her, she'll find her own way. If I am able to teach her how to think and not what to think she'll be ok.

You sound like a great mom! My mom is Methodist. She took me to Sunday school and church throughout my early childhood. I know she meant well. She never made me or get baptized. She told me that was a deeply personal decision and it would be mine to make. I never made the decision to do either. Even as a , something always felt off with the entire idea of it all.

@Beverly256 Thx for the comment, I'm a dad btw, but I appreciate what you said 🙂

@ipdg77 Whoops, my mistake!

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How old are they?
My oldest son Joseph and I had a conversation about a year ago. We dissected some of the improbabilities (impossibilities) of the christian story ( God knows EVERYTHING that ALL of us are doing, all of time), Noah's Ark,...... There was confusion in my marriage earlier in his life. Like me when I was young, he never bought into it. Just repeated what he heard.
My youngest son was more open to it I think. He even went much further into believing in Santa. A few comments that he has made lately, tells me has moved on from "Jesus".

Rest of family? The shit will never stop. Don't let them get under your skin. That way.....they won't!

Small town, neighbors...I guess I watch what I say. it does get harder, as so much American language and culture is ingrained with church going and the "assumed truths" of christianity/ Mono Theism. And that is sometimes a battle I have to fight in my head as well as my community. (rather than my community?...see what I mean!)

twill Level 7 Oct 6, 2018

My boys are 11 and 12. My daughter is 3. My 12 year old stepson is Jewish and I don’t interfere with his mother’s family and their religious choices. My 11 year old attended a day camp for 2 summers that was very loosely affiliated with a baptist church and questions began to arise then. I attempted to answer his questions as delicately and honestly as possible. He attended a couple of services with friends of the family but seemed to loose interest quickly. I hope that whatever path they choose makes them happy and if they choose a religion to follow, I wouldn’t like it but I’m not going to forbit it either. Being in the Bible Belt certainly makes it very difficult to feel the way I do but I’ve never been one to conform for comforts sake. I don’t necessarily wish that upon my children so having faith in that sense would certainly make their path less socially awkward. I also don’t want to see them fall into the arms of those who I feel are immersed in a fantasy world. It’s tough. I never even wanted to engage with the Santa Clause and the Easter bunny tradition because I didn’t want to lie to my kids. My son picked up on the idea of Santa at school so I just kind of went with it so as not to be a dream squasher.

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Please take this as advice from someone who is not an expert on this subject:

I was reared by a fundamentalist Christian mother, who told me the world was going to end by my twenty-first birthday, there are invisible demons who wanted to take my soul, that I would be killed by God if I didn't do what he said, and other nonsense. I believed her. The thought of demons gave me nightmares for most of my childhood.

When my three children were young, I was still a member of the fundamentalist Christian religion. But, I didn't teach them any of what my mother taught me. I knew enough to not try to scare my children into submission. I also didn't try to force anything on them, though I did take them to church and read the Bible to them.

When I became an atheist, my children were still all under the age of thirteen. Now, as adults, all three of them are non-religious, two are atheists and one is agnostic.

My non-expert advice is to address religion with your children as you would any other fantasy or conspiracy they may encounter. How would you respond if your children asked you about Santa Claus? Maybe tell them that it is an unfounded belief that some people hold. Just teach them to hold reason as their only absolute. If they want to go to church, let them. If they have questions, answer them honestly. Don't let the ignorance of the masses intimidate you into anything.

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I never encouraged my kids to go to church. Invariably, they were asked by friends and went a few times. I asked them questions about impossible myths like Jonah and Noah to point out the absurdity of Christian belief. I think both girls ended up in the "spiritual but not religious" category.

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I don't know your stand on the religious spectrum. Kids learn more from seeing than exposure elsewhere. There may be some good, alternative programs available for your family, depending on where you live. When the kids were little I went to the Unitarian Society (Church someplaces). They vary by congregations, but generally accept all people: Christian; Jew, Buddhist; Athiest; Wicca; etc. Two of my three children identify as non christian Unitarian and one a mathematical atheist (college prof). I still like the Unitarians, but don t attend for a number of reasons.

I find myself falling somewhere between agnosticism and atheism. My husband identifies as more agnostic. I agree that I like the inclusivity I see with the Unitarians. Their views align more closely with how I would like our children to see the world.

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My children, 31, 29 and 27 was raised without religion in southern New Hampshire. I was raised Catholic outside of Boston and did not want to subject my children to that nonsense. None of them are religious. They are all good productive members of society. We had neighbor's and family that were religious. They never made a big deal thst we were non religious. When my children would ask about church (it didn't come up much) usually because their friends were going, I'd explain to them we didn't have a religion. I would give them an overview of several religions and tell them when their adults they can decide about their religious choices. It wasnt till they were older that they understood that to mean I didn't believe in god. I live in North Carolina now and can see that it would be much more difficult to do that here.

Thank you for your input. This comes up occasionally with my in-laws but there hasn’t been enormous pressure on their part. My father-in-law is Episcopalian and my mother-in-law is Unitarian. The last church we attended was the UU as a sort of last gasp at having the sense of community that is missing when you don’t have a church home. She is very active and would like for us to have the children there. If they were going to be subjected to being in a church environment, we would rather it be the UU than other more conservative and closed-minded congregations, but I honestly find the services boring and the children aren’t really enthusiastic about being there. My in-laws know my views concerning religion but I don’t think they are aware that my husband’s views lean more towards mine than theirs. It is hard being in the Bible Belt but it’s easier being in a larger city in NC than it was in Alabama, where we are from, originally.

@Beverly256 my first UU "minister" was an outstanding orator and the place had great kids" programs. The next minister, while being quite likeable was boring as sin.

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