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I’m so upset and angry when I think about what happened to me, how rectal cancer came and stole my asshole and left me with menopause, neuropathy, and a weight problem. I hate my body, it betrayed me.

So the trick is try not to think about it too much. But the pain is always close to the surface and sometimes more than others. Like when I have to visit doctors which still happens pretty often. Or when I go to a yoga class and am told to sense and love my body. Or when I see someone riding a 36” unicycle through my neighborhood and wonder if I will ever do that again.

Like I said, I am thinking about it less, but sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have to ignore it, maybe it’s okay to be sad and angry when something upsetting happens.

Lauxa 5 Feb 12
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17 comments

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1

My late previous wife told me a few weeks before she died of a rare neuro-immune disease, that she definitely wanted her body cremated. "It betrayed me in life, so when I'm gone, just burn the fucker" was her comment. So I appreciate the sentiment.

I've lost a wife, a son, a brother, and my mother to "untimely" death, and I had a chronic illness for most of my adult life as well, though that finally got dealt with. Along with various other disappointments along the way. What I've come to realize is that life doesn't owe me, you, or anyone, anything. It's just stuff happening. I don't believe the good things in my life are because I'm deserving or brilliant, and I don't believe the bad things are because I'm deserving or inept. I have learned (imperfectly) to just allow it all to pass through me and to not think much of it. Because neither I, nor the things that happen to me, are of all that much consequence in what passes for the great scheme of things. I had hopes, dreams, and aspirations that I had to let go of. So what. I had a bunch of good stuff happen to me, too, stuff I didn't particularly strive for. Life is funny that way.

What IS of consequence is to take nothing for granted, keep short accounts with others, leave nothing unsaid because you might not have the chance to say it tomorrow. Focus on what you have (a good yoga instructor) rather than what you don't have (an asshole).

0

Wish I could recall where I read it or who said it, but something that I read a while back was someone asking the question, "Why me?" and then realizing "Why not me?" We all like to think that we deserve a pass. Truth is, shit is gonna happen and some of it is going to happen to us. Whenever I am wallowing in self-pity (yes, I occasionally go there) I see something happen to remind me that it sure could be worse. I feel bad for those to whom worse is happening and grateful that my stuff isn't as bad as theirs. You will get stronger and make peace with your body. Remember, it is your shell. Who you are is so much more and you aren't done yet! Peace.

1

It IS okay to be sad and angry. It's also okay to find ways to distract yourself and even to be happy for moments, hours, days at a time. It's a journey. If you're anything like me, being here will help.

1

5 year cancer survivor-we need to learn to accept our new normal. I just did. On vacation with fellow site member. With warts and all.

1

It sux, a close friend of mine had VIN, very similar results from surgery, my 27 year old nephew now has ulcerative colitus, makes it hard to finish his last year in medicine as he is so sick, not to mention how it will affect the rest of his life.

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Have you seen this yet? [netflix.com]

2

It is ABSOLUTELY ok to be angry! Who told you it wasn't?

Maybe try being angry at the cancer - and try loving your body for surviving and still moving and being alive?

I lost my grandfather, grandmother, and father to cancer. I'm very, very glad you are still here, anger and all!

2

It is OK. Working through it is important for your mental well-being. Have an internet hug. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

1

The thing is you’re not dead. Life is tough and sometimes it’s harder on some people. I’m sorry about that, but there are things to fill your life with wonder and joy. You just have to find them.

1

You are a strong woman and have a right to be angry. As another writer said you still have your mind, which will pull you through this chaos. Wishing you a healthier year.

4

It is perfectly ok to be sad and angry over your loss...it is a loss! So now, you must rebuild yourself, to replace what you have lost! As soon as you can, forgive yourself and find your happiness again. Without cancer...aging and other ailments, keeps changing us. You are not cancer...you are not pain...you are a human being striving toward your potential! Your potential...not someone else's, either! Change...requires struggle...building out of past brokeness, requires struggle! Allow yourself to progress at your own pace, as cancer and pain... is one of those invisible health issues, that no one else can see! My heart goes out to you and it sounds like you are on a good track...

1

I went through endometrial cancer level I and the required surgery to get cured.....While nho chemo / radio was necessary in my case, the pain and discomfort after the surgery took the longest to vanish.

YELL, CRY, KICK...DO ANYTHING YOU WISH....but always remember you are here....that you can talk about.

4

Fucking life takes away so much of what we love/need/have. There are many times I share your rage and some times I am able to let go. I share your struggle. Take care.

2

It is ok. better out than in I think. I put down a dog of mine last year and sat with her till she died in peace. I was crying like a baby and my vet who was thinking of me said do I want to go out the back so other people don't see me crying? I said no but thanks, I don't care what anyone thinks.

4

I am glad that you beat that bastard disease, but cannot fault you for anger at what it took from you. It's stolen many wonderful people from around me and drug others through hellish muck. I am in no position to advise about it, but will gladly join you in cursing the beast!

Zster Level 8 Feb 12, 2018
0

I'm always struggling with "what is the right amount of anger.?" I have no doubt I would be a puddle of angst if that were my case.

While your body may have betrayed you, certainly your mind has not. There are wrong emotions.

And you could ride a unicycle? Impressive.

2

In these situations a support group can be helpful. Might not take the pain away but at the very least you will be able to find that you are not alone.

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