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A while back I had a tantrum on line here where I posted that I don't use alcohol, tobacco or use drugs illegally. While I can't remember exactly how it went one response was that it sounded like I was bragging and this was not enduring. Are these bragging rights unimportant with a future or current companion?

kgoodyear 6 Dec 15
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If I read a dating profile of someone my age that says the person does not drink, I immediately wonder whether they have had a problem with alcohol addiction in the past. If they have written in their bio that they just don't feel comfortable doing it but they tolerate those who enjoy a social drink occasionally, I am less uncomfortable with the statement. I am the child of an alcoholic and the idea of being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic is frightening to me . Like most people today, I do not want to date anyone that smokes anything.

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It's the delivery, the implied tone, that people probably don't like.

There was nothing wrong with WHAT you were trying to get across...admirable traits when they stand on their own for many...but you left little room for anyone to question or get to know you better without feeling you were already heads above them for never drinking, smoking, etc. It appeared judgmental.

How about putting it in a positive spin in the here and now?

"I refrain from smoking, drinking or using drugs"...it sort of leaves a bit of mystery and maybe allows for human foibles of others to be explored...someone that maybe had that in their past and gave it up? Let the discussion be available and then tell your story and allow the other person to tell theirs.

If I were dating, I would not have answered you with that in your profile...I no longer drink, smoke, or use drugs, but I had in the past...it would have been intimidating to me to even say hello.

Good idea. I'm going to read your post a couple of more times. Thanks for the feedback.

Why is it that women answer way better then i do in general? I feel like an angry idiot now 🙂

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I wonder if some just felt judgment from you. Usually those on the defensive feel attacked in some way. If you're looking for someone similar to you in that then you need to put that out there.

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What do you want a medal? If you just happen to be alive and a consumer of some sort you have vices whether you like it or not. If you want to condescend because you feel superior you will just come across as an asshole. You already do to me.

Nardi Level 7 Dec 15, 2018

Ouch!

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I went back and read your previous post that was about your dating site profile. I think most women care about whether or not a guy smokes (most seem to want non-smokers), so making that clear is a plus. They also want to know you are not a drug addict or a habitual drunk, but total abstinence may or may not be a plus. I struggle a bit with that too since I never learned to like the taste of alcohol, and I don't do drugs. I'm sure that makes me seem like a choir boy to some women and they may assume I don't know how to have fun.

Sooooo is there anything wrong with telling them you don't sport vice??

@kgoodyear I don't think there is anything wrong with stating these facts up front. They are things I would want to know.

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I need someone with vices. They don't have to share all of mine but one or 2 or is almost required for me.

I might have them all so there is usually some overlap

I don't know that it wouldn't work with someone without vices I just suspect there would be alot of judgement in a relationship like that and that never works long

When I was with my ex he smoked both tobacco and weed and I didnt judge. Didnt care.

He drank at first but was an asshole when drinking so there may have been some judging there but he quit on his own.

IMHO the problems with (abuse of) vice exceed any benefits.

@Lucy_Fehr Yeah not everyone will. I have no rule for or against concerning dating but I tend to avoid non-drinkers. If they reach out I am not opposed just think it is likely their choices are important to them and might think mine are a waste of time or money or both

@kgoodyear Fine with everyone doing their own thing too. If I felt it was abuse or a problem in my life I probably wouldn't do them

@maxhyde My father caught my brother and I trying to sneak his beer when we were 5 or so. He made us each drink an entire can. It wasn't pretty.

I cannot stand the taste of alcohol.Probably psychological and I can't eat mushrooms for a similar reason but back when I did drink socially, it had to be those expensive fruity things that gave me diarrhea the next day.

I wish I could drink beer without barfing but I can't but neither do I judge anyone else that drinks. In fact I have rum, vodka, wine, and midori in my house for company.

People who have known me forever think nothing of it but now I am wondering how many times I have been rejected for not being a drinker.

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Are those points really worth bragging about? I mean, you can state them for informative purposes.. but brag about them?

I'll admit I am proud of it and perhaps it comes off as bragging.

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Depends on the companion. I guess it would help sort out someone who is compatible with that. For me no.

MsAl Level 8 Dec 15, 2018
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I drink wine ... A little. .. No smoking ... No drugs ... So what's the big deal...

I guess my question is would you want a companion that does these things?

@kgoodyear no. Not heavy drinking and definitely no illegal drugs . no smoking either.

@Cutiebeauty So it IS important to know. So what is wrong with letting a companion know ahead of time that you don't have to worry about me having vice (except Pepsi)????

@kgoodyear there's nothing wrong with it...

@Cutiebeauty UGH!! Now i'm confused because some people imply it is bad in some ways and some people don't. I personally think it makes sense.

@kgoodyear confused about what? Everybody is different... Some like some don't...

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It depends whether you were bragging about your non-use of those substances or having a tantrum.

Tantrums we can do without!!! 😉

lol

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