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Do people of above average intelligence have a harder time finding a partner? Is it more difficult because said crowd would likely be more selective? Or is it because it's tough to find another human within close range who is on the same intellectual level? Perhaps both? What do you think?

NicThePoet 7 Feb 15

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I wonder corollary between intelligence and introversion. I make myself go out and be social and I usually have a good time when I do but left to my druthers, I'd rarely leave the house. I don't get much foot traffic in my house, intelligent or otherwise. I did have a guy come by last night trying to sell home improvements of some kind. I answered the door and before he could get through the opener I told him, "hey, we all have the flu at the moment" and he not only stopped but he took a step back. Seemed like a smart dude.

So he didn't finish telling you about the hole in your roof?

@BenPike hahahaha!

@BenPike I like the optimistic take. Are you a door to doorman?

@Fearlessfreep I'll open the door but the next door is all yours.


Leda Hollingsworth: "communication range": outside of +/-30 IQ pts, you can't have meaningful communication. I dunno about this because I would think the smarter you are, the more successfully you could problem-solve communication problems--if you really wanted to. This theory has some vociferous adherents.

I know this much: the smarter you are, the more complex and niche your interests tend to be; the stuff you find worth your time tends to have narrower appeal. The stuff you enjoy talking about tends to have narrower appeal.

And because of all this weird social stuff that's built up around it in many cultures, intelligence can be intimidating to many. Could be a subconscious assortive mating thing: "this one's too smart for me; they won't pick me for a mate. Frown." Women have it worse than men, due to the obvious sex-linked social stigma.

The farther out you go on the tail of that bell curve, the less people there are. Assortive mating by itself is enough to ensure slim pickins. I think there's multiple factors, but that one probably carries the most weight.


I find it hard to maintain interest in someone who can't carry on an intelligent conversation or obviously isn't capable of critical thinking. I was married to a woman for a long time while in denial of how dumb she really is. Reality hit me when our daughter asked me what the hell I was thinking when I married her.

JimG Level 8 Feb 15, 2018

...I’d let passion and pent up desire lead me to the same, it lasted 30 years.. I sought intellectual challenges from the deep woods, and found them, but they never made up for what I came home to.. And, my daughter’s have made similar comments, but then, I raised them.

@Varn I raised my daughter too. I actually tried to encourage her to maintain a relationship with her mother. Her mother, however always have her better reasons to stay away.

@JimG Familiar, again.. It took effort on my part, and I no doubt occasionally ‘lost it’ in the stress of single parenting teenage daughters ..but I made every attempt not to badmouth their mother... With that, someone had begun a page around here asking what ‘our greatest compliment has been?’ I didn’t want to explain, but having had my 23 & 25 year olds both, on several occasions (tears?) ..thank me, and describe their having needed time to conclude their mother’s limitations, and how much they understand and appreciate, “what you went through with her,” “and how you were there for us” … yes, tears.. Damnit ~


There are more stupid people than smart ones. Smart people are also prone to depression and reclusive behaviors. They also tend to be spread out.

Ignorance really is bliss


In think so. It is tough to find someone at a bar who wants to talk about a book that moved them. Finding women who like anything more than wine has been a tall hurdle to get over. I jumped in that pond, but very murky, and always ran out of bait. That’s why I have really liked this site!


Beats the hell outta me. I've given up that pursuit. For a number of reasons.


Intelect can manifest itself in many ways, I’ve met some very intelligent Hillbilly’s!

Though it may take longer, from what I’ve witnessed, it’s worth the wait… There appears to be an instant recognition and appreciation of shared interests and capabilities, quickly ‘making up’ for all that assumed lost time..

Patients over passion, and the field will naturally narrow 🙂

Varn Level 8 Feb 15, 2018

I might be a red neck, but I chose this life. I'm comfortable in my life style, and my intelligence. I form my views on objective scrutiny of the evidence I have. I just happen to prefer a simple, relaxed life style.

@jayneonacobb Raised in a one-time conservative town, Portland Oregon’s become the mecca for ..weird. Relocating to the family farm in ‘red county,’ OR, I assimilated, learning to both value and understand rural ways. Recently relocating again, to a small town divided by proud conservatism and radical progressivism, I suspected I’d have more in common with practical side of the conservatives (short of church attendance). I have, which leaves the progressives puzzled.. Between educated idiots and brilliant hillbillies, I lean toward the latter 🙂

@Varn heard that! Don't get me wrong though, I'm well educated. I also live down the street from a guy with two doctorates who looks like a Clampet. You'd never know he was a MENSA member if you didn't talk to him.


I don''t know if I am average intelligence of completely ignorant! In any case, I don't think I am more selective. Just have a lot of trouble meeting people. Introverted and tough to find like minds to talk with and get to know.

I guess that would be someone who thinks like I do about most things. @Millie

@Millie I am introverted. But that was not exactly what I meant. In my case, like minded means, scientific, preferably atheist/agnostic, who can have an intelligent and stimulating conversation without involving religion or politics. Who can think outside the box and still have fun doing it.

I think it’s more about being argumentative than stimulative. @Millie


I think that it is harder. The more things I am able to discuss with someone spices up a conversation. Trying to discuss something with someone with a very limited understanding can be frustrating.


Yes, because intelligence has little to no correlation with emotional awareness. People tend to ask questions of everything around them, and rarely themselves. #knowthyself


There are different levels of intellect... Not all brains are wired the same way. Otherwise there will be no left handed people. Some intelligent people are full of shit too, no different than normal people. You will find Assholes everywhere. It is hard to get along with assholes. You add whatever the compulsive obsession the above average intelligent has and could make it a challenge. If you are intelligent above average... you have the "snob" gene on you. You lie on the bed you make.

Funnily enough, I enjoy the company of assholes immensely. I tend to gravitate to them. I'm Fairly certain that means I am one. ????


I think people who "THINK" they're above average tend to have a had time. Pretension can be very off-putting.

Please don't take this to mean I'm speaking about anybody on this site, please don't take it that way. I meet a lot of smart people, and they can be weird, but it's the pretentious ones that are difficult to handle. I know a lot of nerds who find dates, a lot of geeks who find dates, but those who think they're so much smarter than everybody... they don't last long in a relationship.


I can't speak for other people of above average intelligence, but in my experience, yes, it has been considerably difficult to find like minded individuals. I'm selective when it comes to finding a partner. I even struggle to find friends. I feel that the majority of people look down on those with higher intelligence and this makes it difficult to find a group or just one. I've caught myself trying to blend in to the normal crowd, sometimes with considerable awkwardness, which has the opposite effect.

Gohan Level 7 Feb 15, 2018

I have felt this before and wonder about it too. I came across this the other day: []

“In general, more intelligent individuals are more likely to have ‘unnatural’ preferences and values that our ancestors did not have,” Kanazawa says. “It is extremely natural for species like humans to seek and desire friendships and, as a result, more intelligent individuals are likely to seek them less.”

I love my friends but I’m keenly aware of how I’m different than most of them. I find most people want loyal support more than someone that makes them feel out of place.


I think what is considered to be above average intelligence is achieved, for the most part. Some who believe substantial differences in intellectual capacity to be inborn, understandably take issue with it. I once shared that notion.

What gets little to no consideration in the development of intellect is how our instinctive, nascent, natural attempts to integrate with life so often meet with environmental insults and damage. This is not inclusive of congenital genetic disorders.

Development of living things is exemplified by expansion and 'reaching out' into the environment in an activity that is both somatic and psychic. Experience of insults, traumas and thwarting by the environment causes opposite reactions such as contraction and shrinking away. Depending on intensity and stages of development, the damage caused, however subtle at the time, can be both permanent and far reaching. A developing intellect thus damaged by the 'thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to' can give the false impression of being innately deficient.

If and when the world hosts and evolved humankind that has learned how to love life and foster natural child development, I don't think there will be a dimes worth of difference notable between intellectual potential of any healthy children.


I think it is harder the more different you are from someone.
Super rich people. super famous people, super attractive people, super intelligent people, it narrows the field, there are more average people around.


I just got lucky when I met my wife. I was a planner and so was she. I help put my ex wife through college to be a nurse. We just outgrew each other... I am so much happier now. You have to know how to not have all the answers if your smarter then your spouse. You ask what do you think... giving opportunity to speak up and feel equal... that helps a lot.


A few of factors involved.

  1. Depression, social anxiety, introversion and Asperger's traits are more common amongst the more intelligent.
    2."When men expected to interact with a woman who was spatially distant (e.g., in another room), they expressed greater desire to interact with her when she outperformed versus under performed them [in intelligence]...
    However, when men interacted with a real woman who was spatially near (e.g., in a face-to-face interaction), men showed less romantic interest and desire to interact with her when she outperformed versus under performed them." Smart women are on a hiding to nothing here.
  2. Smart men often have the opportunity to marry much younger women but the same behaviour in women still carries social repercussions.
  3. Nobody wants to have to explain everything they say to their partner and nobody wants to have to play dumb all the time. I have had men have a go at me for using words they didn't understand, tell jokes they didn't understand and come up with better solutions to mechanical problems than them even though I don't have testicles.

Some people want a partner who is an equal and others a happy to have one that is more of a trophy or pet. If the former rather than the later and you have above average intelligence then the initial pool of suitable partners was small and it dwindles with ever year. And while social conditioning continues to favour the male being the decision maker in any householder any woman who out performs her partner is going to find herself in a very awkward position. Before my divorce one of my exes favourite whinges was "You think you're smarter than I am." any time I queried a decision he was intent of making and oh the case of the sulks when I was proven right, and when it is joint financial decisions you really don't have the option of keeping your mouth shut because if you do you know you are the one who is going to have to come up with the money for any costly mistakes.

Kimba Level 7 Feb 15, 2018

For me, I think, it's distance and geography. I'm in the middle of farmland in flyover country. I'm attracted to intelligent and educated women but at the same time I'm fairly blue collar. However, I'm terminally degreed. So, I'm sort of an enigma and maybe that's not attractive to potential dates/mates. So, intelligence and proximity can be a tough combination to overcome, if I'm understanding the question correctly.


Idk but if any of you smart ladies wanna experiment, you know where the phone is, huh, huh.


Its also harder if youre below average since nobody wants you 😟


It's tough to find a suitable partner at my level, to be honest, but it's also tough to find a woman who isn't intimidated by intelligence. Women say they want an intelligent guy, but if a man is more intellectually powerful than they are, they get terrified and run away.

The last woman I dated admitted that she has no idea what "evolution" means. Kinda hard to have a conversation.


I don't know if it's so much about intellect as it is about insight and self-growth. There are some very smart people who still wind up with the wrong partners or for the wrong reasons. I suppose if you were to call it intelligence, it would be more like emotional intelligence. Someone who values their needs will more likely find someone who mirrors that. Perhaps it's that people on this site are more emotionally intelligent for the most part because they've already made the choice to think for themselves what they believe as opposed to just going with what they've been told.


I don't ever like to say never.

It should be harder, I think, but I guess all of us "settle."


I agree with you, a bit of both especially with a lot of men having two brains.

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