My neighbor's wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this fall and I learned today she's been hospitalized over the weekend and they've confirmed the cancer has spread to her spine. She's in terrible pain. I'm not sure why she's not in hospice at this point rather than getting more radiation treatments, but it's none of my beeswax.

Anyway this shows every sign of her dying right on or near Christmas Day and I really feel for her husband. He's an incredibly sweet but stoic guy (and a survivor of Nam) and this has been his only serious relationship; they've been married forever (they are in their 70s). It's going to be brutal for him. I can tell he's beside himself and trying not to show it. It's made worse by them not having family around here; he's probably moving to California to be near [grand]children after she's gone.

It's hard being supportive to basically withheld people but my wife and I have taken turns with other neighbors bringing them meals and making short visits. I took him to the hospital a couple of weeks ago for a routine screening procedure and have made myself available for stuff like that. I just want to go over there and give him a bear hug but it's hard to know how he'll take it. I'll figure it out though.

This is definitely an especially shitty time for this kind of thing ...

My wife died on Jan. 6th almost two years ago and the sadness and depression over it, along with the usual winter and holiday blues, began weeks ago. I am already dreading the anniversary and will try to make sure I am with people that day. It's always shittier when people die around a holiday, not that it's ever good.

That's still fairly fresh. I'm sorry for your loss.

Since I have four dates for the untimely deaths of four immediate family members over the past 20 years, I try to remind myself that a death coinciding with a holiday or season is of no actual significance and I do my best not to focus on such anniversaries. Eleven years after her death, my previous wife's "deathaversary" (Aug 1) has started to become the sort of thing I realize 2 weeks after the actual day that I didn't notice its passage. I think of her every few days all year, it's my memory of her life I want to honor, not her death.

My son died 2 years ago Aug 29 and I went out of my way not to think any differently that day than any other. That way lies madness for me.

I've frankly forgotten the dates my oldest bro and my mother died, I only remember the years (05 and 98 respectively). For me, at least, it eases the speed bumps. Their absence is the problem, and I don't want to compound that with angst on the anniversary of their demises (or their birthdays or other anniversaries). Besides, their deaths were all painful and/or violent; it's okay to let go of that stuff and hold on to the memories you can actually be fond of. In other words -- you hopefully end up finding comfort from the memories you keep alive, and let the others die a natural death.

Still, it's hard the first few years, since it's a reminder of the loss and time passing in ways you didn't choose. No easy answers there, but it can, and usually does, get better. Hang in there, dude.

I'm very sorry. These anniversaries are the hardest.

Sorry squirrel.

Much love

My father died on December 20 and was buried on December 23. I was 24. You can imagine what Christmas was like for my family.

It's hard to lose a loved one during the holidays. For 10 years, I got sick at Christmas. Then I began working on grieving. My dad was a professional jazz trumpet player in Detroit, so I bought a trumpet ornament. Played a jazz flute duet in public. Lit a candle in his memory.

As usual at Christmas, I feel heartache. Now I celebrate the warmth of loving relationships instead of feeling only pain.

Must be difficult for you.