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Whats it like having not settled down with a family by the time you are 30?

loudshirt 5 Jan 6
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3

It’s not all that uncommon these days. I was married @ 27 had my first child at 34. I already had two degrees, owned a home, car and had a great job. Had my second child a couple of years later.

3

My best friend is 59 and never married. She adopted a 9-year-old about 15 years ago. She only recently decided she might want to date. She has a career, lots of friends, delightful family relationships—she is fulfilled without doing things the traditional way.

UUNJ Level 8 Jan 6, 2019
3

It's like freedom.

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I presume you ask to live vicariously through us lucky ones? Eat your heart out. Not having kids/to settle down is pretty fuckin sweet. I can continue working on myself and my surroundings with no guilt or anxiety about who I'm not there for. I could take a spur the moment trip to go out of town, play with a band at a bar or go to a random town and busk for my supper if I damn well please. And when it's time to relax I can smoke a bowl, have some bourbon or beer, and watch the filthiest comedy or weirdest horror show possible, as loud and as late as I like, buckass naked if I prefer. I don't but I probably should.

Not having a partner to share said freedoms with by now has me a little less stoked, but it for sure beats a bad relationship, or an ok one that puts too much responsibility on you too soon.

1

Didn't get married until I was 41, never had kids. Guess I never gave a damn about conforming or pleasing people who didn't know me. But to be honest, I wanted to be married earlier than that, just never had any luck with the traditional, conservative women of Iowa. None of them would have me for a long term relationship because I didn't want to have kids or date a women with kids.

Yeah, must have been tough for you. Still don't date women with kids?

@Jolanta It's kind of puzzling even at this age. At this stage, I will date women 50-68 yo, and yes, I will gladly date women with kids as long as the kids are grown and out of the home, which, for almost all the women in that age range, is the case. But here is where it gets weird. Realistically, the women at the bottom of my age range (50-55) still won't reply to me or date me for two reasons it seems. One, the vast majority of them indicate on their profiles that they won't date more than a few years over their age but they will date as much as 12-15 years younger than them, pure cougars, just interested in sex, or just don't like older men at all, who knows? Secondly, I say in my profile essay, quite honestly, that I am not family-oriented, which means I don't want to spend most of my time with a woman visiting her kids and grandkids with her. The vast majority of women in my area my age say in their profiles that they are very family-oriented and I avoid those women while instead reaching out to the ones who don't say that and have kids as well as ones who don't have kids.

The five women I have met in person while on Match for 15 months were all age 63-67 and not family-oriented, all a few to several years older than me. Their kids were all grown and they were independent women who were done playing mommy and interested in meeting a man to do couple things with. It's going to be a long, tough search for me because in my area most women grew up in the Midwest where family is everything to most women even if they are politically liberal and agnostic.

I have discussed my situation with a lot of people and the concensous seems to be that women without kids who are in my age group are highly desired by men my age and that those women are quite aware that they are a highly prized minority on dating sites. Thus, they know they can do better than me on looks and money, so hence the lack of interest. Another reason may be that women without kids are looking ahead for when they get old and sick, so they prefer a man with kids, figuring his kids will comfort and look after the woman should she end up widowed.

@TomMcGiverin Wow, thats something to ponder upon. I know what you mean about being family oriented. It is almost like an obsession with some of them, and not only women. I have grown up kids but I have a life of my own besides the life I have with them. I think it is some kind of insecurity when you have to spend so much time with your family, how can you grow and learn new things? There is so much to experience in life, with and about others, not just your immediate family.

@Jolanta Thanks for validating that. That issue is undoubtedly my biggest roadblock to finding a partner on Match because I live in an area where so many women are very traditional and conservative, at least on this issue. Even the ones who identify as Agnostic or not religious. The women on this site seem way more independent and secure, as you say, about that stuff. Probably because they are the only non-believers in their family and have always marched to their own drummer, so they don't cling to their family like all the farmer's daughter types around me.

Just like when I was younger and getting rejected by all the women wanting kids or with kids, I can only be honest with myself and them about what I want. Which is someone who wants a couples relationship where most of our time together is spent doing stuff just the two of us, instead of me being more of an escort for the woman visiting her family with me. I honestly think that for a lot of the women in my area, they sort of use the family time and connection stuff as sort of a shield against getting too involved with a new man because they are afraid of getting hurt or disappointed with the relationship.

I have a theory about the family-oriented women on Match in my area and I'd like to hear the opinions of members on this, esp. women. It goes like this. The vast majority of women in my area say something in their profile essay like " Family is first, I love my kids and grandkids, etc." I just skip those women, but even those that don't self-identify like that seem to make family time and connections a big issue. Even the ones that don't have kids. My theory is that many, if not most women, in my area, seem to cope with becoming divorced or widowed by retreating into their family and grandkids for comfort and support while they are licking their wounds and recovering from their loss or crisis. That is totally understandable and healthy. The problem or issue is that even years later, they seem to be hanging onto their kids and grandkids as sort of a shield or security blanket even after they shouldn't need it that much because they are afraid of emotionally investing themselves in a new relationship with a man. So they protect themselves and hedge themselves emotionally by making a big deal about spending time with family over the new man and wanting to spend most of their time with him around family so things don't move too fast or get too intense with him emotionally because they are afraid of getting hurt or disappointed with the new relationship.

Sound about right? When even the women without kids subscribe to this attitude, it leaves me pretty well screwed in finding a partner who is ready to spend most of their time as a couple without the family around.

@TomMcGiverin You are right there Tom but you know there are plenty of independent women who also do not want to spend "all" the time with their partner. They like some alone time too. I think a lot of women and men are wary of relationships if they have been badly hurt and I am not saying that this is the fault of the other partner because often we only see what the other does or doesn't and don't take on any responsibility ourselves. When you say that you want to spend most of your time as a couple I start thinking that that may be a bit too much for a lot of people. After all you probably don't have all the same interests and I cannot think of my partner wanting or having to go to, for example art shows or anything else that I would like. Neither can I see myself as going to stuff that I am not interested in either. We need to give each other space. All the same there are those who love spending all their time together and there will be someone there for you too.

@Jolanta It's all a matter of experience and interpretation. I make it very clear, as much as one can, in my Match profile that I'm seeking strong, independent women who already have their own friends and enjoy spending time with them as well as with a partner. Just as my late wife and I did in our marriage. We both spent time apart with friends, mine and hers. There was a good balance and that's what I want again, if possible. She and I also did not share all the same interests and I also make it clear in my profile that they don't have to share all of mine and vice versa.

The problem is no matter how you word it, people are going to read the same words on the screen differently according to their past experiences and prejudices, including knee-jerk defensiveness. I'm growing weary of trying to get women to see me for who I am instead of the sum of their baggage and prejudices. It gets really old. There's really no way to safely or easily address the complex, touchy issue of how much family time a woman can expect with me in a relationship or how much I would like to just be with them. Paid dating sites are just not conducive to that. This site more likely is because it seems like people here have more self awareness and are more open to trying to keep their baggage in check when they are sizing up a prospective partner.

Unfortunately this site appears to offer zero prospects for me in my area and it doesn't look likely to change.

1

I'm 57 and it's just fine.

1

Who, exactly, cares?
And as for "a family"...do you think we have an UNderpopulation problem?

1

I had a child, a mortgage and was a registered nurse by the time I was 22. Everything was perfect except the man I was married to was a brute. Second time round a better man but the situation wasn't good for us. Third time, I am here for me. The kids are all adults and I have no one to please except me and my partner. I will never marry again and I never really settled down. Life has been a whirlwind and continues to be so.

1

You might get looked down on, a bit, by small-minded slaves to conventionality, who wonder "what's wrong with you" for not having fulfilled the only acceptable lifescript on schedule... Or, more tender-hearted slaves to conventionality might feel sorry for you...

Also, username checks out 😉

1

it's like being a person. i decided not to have kids, and didn't have any. i didn't meet the love of my life until i was 48 years old. i'm almost 67 now. i have no regrets about that, except that i have less time with him than i would've had i met him earlier, but i still wouldn't have procreated.

g

1

Normal

0

Not a problem.

0

Turning 40 this week and am actually happy to have not married or procreated. I get to do what makes me happy after years of being depressed over...well everything really.

0

30 is an arbitrary deadline. The average age of getting married is around 28 presently. 30 isn't the time to have a coronary about it.

Everyone matures at different rates and overcomes different challenges.

By contrast I was married and settled down at 19 and my first child came along when I was 22 and I definitely don't recommend that.

There is so much to lose by jumping the gun and so much to gain by remaining single indefinitely that you really need to heavily discount any Fear Of Missing Out that you're experiencing.

0

I have had the freedom to travel, and to move to pursue job opportunities, not having kids. It's been wonderful, frankly. I missed out on a lot of stress.

Orbit Level 7 Jan 6, 2019
0

I have had no children. It wasn't something l was interested in.

0

I'm divorced, but I don't have children; I never wanted any. So, yeah, it's nice; it's freedom to do what you want. It's liberating.

0

Hell for some and wonderful for others.

0

Brilliant! ?

0

I'm 54, and still haven't.
Well, to be honest, yes I've settled a bit, but the family part, nope.

0

I didn't get married until 32. I enjoyed raising my kids. Now I'm divorced. My not settled down days were fun too.

0

Career, career, career! Freedom!
I still haven’t settled down “with a family” except that I consider all my past furry children and current rattie roommate my REAL family.

No regrets. You should live your life the way you want. I’ve owned 8 houses previously and currently 3 and I’ve had at least a dozen new vehicles and another dozen used. I have 5 degrees and I’ve traveled extensively. Mixed up in this were two long term relationships—-one for 5 years and another for 15 years.

Societal and cultural “norms” are only there for those who don’t mind being “basic”.

0

I have read the entire bible, the Q'ran and the teachings of the Buddha. I tried to read the Book of Mormin but it was beyond dire.

0

Well, I did not have my daughter until I was 35. All is just fine. If you don't want a family, outstanding! If you do, perfect, you still have plenty of time. Love your life.

@maturin1919 Brunette like her dad, bless her heart. She got the freckles, though.

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