I was reading my aunt's 'Republican Bible' last night and found the oddest scripture. It's a scripture I've read many times, even memorized, but I don't remember it quite like this.

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want
—Keep in mind he’s talking about ME. He is MY shepherd and I get what I want, regardless of how it affects “you.” This is all about me.
He encourages me to lie down in green pastures
—And if you come near my pastures, I will defend them using Stand Your Ground laws, and other Second Amendment remedies.
He leads me beside quite waters
—Which I can sell to corporations who can then bottle that water and sell it to people who need water.
He refreshes my Soul
—Wait… I have a soul?
He guides me along the right paths:
—Not the lefty, liberal paths, only RIGHT paths.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley
—Where Muslims practice their religion, and gays are legally allowed to marry.
I will fear no evil
—I will produce evil so that it isolates me from all those I hate.
Your rod and your staff
—Make great implements. I use them upon the poor and suffering.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies
—Which I will then pass laws against sharing, so that you get none; not even a single crumb. It’s your fault for being poor and hungry.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows
—See, I told you there wasn’t anything wrong with oil, you lefty tree-huggers.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
—And I will do my best to assure that they stop at me. And that no human will ever experiences those qualities if I can help it.
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
—And I will build a wall around the house that no immigrants shall ever enter.