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I need some advice. To put it out there... I've been traveling 2 hours one way to connect with a gentleman almost every weekend for 6 months. He makes me feel wanted not needed when I'm there, but cannot bring himself to say it in words and even with direct invitations will always find an excuse not to come to me. Am I wasting my time and affection? I feel great when with him and used when I'm not.

SadbDanae 5 Mar 18
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27 comments

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10

Sounds like he's got one hellova deal there ! You ? not so much ...

9

Looking at some of this back and forth, I'd say the more troubling part is his unwillingness to provide a reason not to meet you halfway. There could be many financial reasons why it's hard for him to come see you that are legit, but what's most important is that he can't adequately communicate that. That's a problem. More of a problem than his unwillingness to travel. I'd go so far as making the prediction that you're in the "honeymoon" phase and it feels good to be around him, but once that wears off, you're going to start resenting him for not reciprocating...and then you're in real trouble. Also, take into account the complicated nature of relationships and how communication is vital to enmeshing your life with someone else's. Can you really have a deep and meaningful connection with someone who can't even give you a decent reason why they can't make the drive or trek to come see you? This should be an easy one and he's failing at it. What happens when it's a harder one? I'd say if you can't get a good reason that you should end it. I'm sorry, but that's my feeling on it.

Best. Wisdom. Yet.

@topdogcarl Perhaps your voice-to-text program recognizes the words "period," "comma," and "question mark" to insert the appropriate punctuation. Mine does. Just a suggestion.

9

It seems to me to be somewhat one-sided with no effort on his part to visit you. Always finding excuses not to visit you also seems to be very odd. Perhaps reciprocity is not a word in his vocabulary. Personally, I would terminate such a relationship.

I wonder could it be that there is somebody in your area that he does not want to see or be seen by that person.

8

If the two of you are not able to talk through issues and resolve problems together, you already don’t have a relationship.

skado Level 9 Mar 18, 2019

I have tried to very clearly state my frustrations with the way things are and what I would like to get from both him and the relationship, but he still cannot meet me half way or even provide validation for his lack of response.

@SadbDanae It would seem that you have your answer.

@SadbDanae
Looks like he is failing a very reasonable test. Next step: Let him know in clear terms what is acceptable and what, if not met, will spell the end of the association. Then give it a reasonable bit of time to soak in. If still no response, then you have to decide if you’d rather be single or have an “association of convenience.” (mostly his convenience)

@SadbDanae at this point I wouldnt wait for an explanatoin

7

You do the traveling, always? NOT GOOD! This is in no way a reciprocal arrangement, you are being used. Say bu-bye, now, before your self esteem gets any lower!

@topdogcarl you grossly overestimate the value of sexual services.

@topdogcarl I worked in a shipyard for 13 years amidst 20,000 men, had ample opportunity cities to hear/observe them when they thought no women were nearby. Sorry, no wool over my eyes......

@topdogcarl oddly repetitive and rambling in 2 answers........I am concerned. Can you call someone, or your doctor?

@topdogcarl Buwahahahaaaaaaaa! Not exactly! General Dynamics/ Electric Boat Division Groton Ct 1973-1986. Rose to Supervisor of over 40 people, mostly men.
You just keep "thinking" like you do......

7

If you're feeling "used", it's because you probably are.
Trust your gut.
If you've been the only one putting in the travel time for the last six months, and he's always got an excuse for not making the trip to be with you, my Spidey-sense would be tingling.
If you haven't said anything to him yet, it's time.
If you have, and nothing has changed, save the gas money, wear and tear on your vehicle, and cut him loose.
Good luck.

6

It shouldn't always be you making the commute. Relationships are 100%/100% (not 50/50). He needs to be giving just as much, in my opinion. Your self-esteem should be telling you by now that this guy needs to step up, or step out.

6

He's not traveling at all, hell no. It's an hour halfway, geez. I hate ultimatums, but this may call for just that.

6

Enjoy your time together when you are together and get on with your life when you are apart. If that is not possible for you then I suggest to just move on completely. You only have control of what YOU do and no one else.

6

Accept what it is, or dump him. Don't torture yourself in middle-land.

5

He sounds lazy and inconsiderate. Don't sell yourself short.

Deb57 Level 8 Mar 18, 2019
5

So, it's been 6 months and nothing has changed. No expression of feelings from him, no effort to travel to see you. This will most likely be the case in 6 more months. Unless this is the way you like this relationship, I'd be on my way.

5

A relationship is like a two-way street. There must be a give and a take. Some things you will be good at and some he will, and some you're both terrible at. A balance must be there. If you feel it is a one-way street, I'd move on or make an excuse not to visit on weekend.

5

I agree with @kkgator. Always trust your gut. But, talking about it directly with him is a huge first step. This may be a red flag that indicates "something" (dunno what exactly yet)...it could be he is simply an anxious driver...or is TRULY a home body... or it may turn out to be the first in a littany of ways they you later realize he was totally not there as a partner and was willing to let you shoulder the burden. but...talking is a great place to start. If, after making it very clear that this is your concern, you continue to not find resolution (you still feel like he's giving excuses or side-stepping...) then the path becomes more clear. Trust your gut.

4

That he doesn't reciprocate is a big red flag. "I feel great when with him and used when I'm not" really struck a chord with me -- I was involved with someone where I felt the same way. When I had brought up my concerns, he just got defensive, made me feel like I was "expecting too much." Ah, no: a relationship is a partnership: one person shouldn't be doing all the work.

4

It is curious that he has no reason for not coming to see you. Or can't give you one. Maybe don't go this weekend and see how that feels to you. You are putting in maximum effort. Take a weekend to think about that.

4

Get the book, Dodging Energy Vampires. It has a little of a religious bent, but also some very good advice when you are involved with people who do nothing but take and take, and give very little in return. 6 months is a long time to give a one sided relationship, and that's what you have.

3

What if you turn his game on him? Start telling him that you can't come; that he will have to make the trip instead. If he refuses, ask why. Remind him that from your understanding this is a relationship, and because of that you deserve an answer.

If he continues to skirt over the issue and give you b/s answers, then you actually have your answer. He's not as into you as you are to him, and you have a decision to make. Do you keep being his easy fuck (sorry for the vulgarity, but that's what you are), or do you end it.

The sooner you make that decision, the easier it will be on you.

3

Did you meet him here? Dan and I met here in my Singles/Mingle/Chatroom in May and I moved to NY State to be with him in July. We've been through thick and thin - good health/hospital stays and some family drama of mine since then. Reciprocal - relationships need to be reciprocal. You visit me -I visit you. You need that to make it work. We were 3 hours apart.

No, we met on Match.com

3

It does make me wonder why he wouldn't want to visit your place and see you in your own surroundings. Especially after 6 months of dating. Like others have mentioned, it does appear to be a one-sided arrangement at this point and you sure are doing a lot of driving for him when you add up the cost of gasoline and the time in a vehicle.

2

You can pay half for someplace halfway, or alternate travel...or you could have insisted on that in the beginning. Now you are a convenience for him & I doubt he will react well if you start to ask for some mutual-ness. Dump him, and next time value yourself more!

2

I really can't say what the actual causes of this situation being as it is may be but there are certainly some red flags. It sounds a bit like someone has a "side chick" who travels 2 hours each way every week to see him because she doesn't realize she's just a "side chick" to him. I'm not saying that's what IS happening here, but it does have some of that appearance. If he absolutely refuses to open up about what's going on then he's probably hiding things and you'd best move on.

2

Maybe there is a reason he can't make the drive. I'd ask him what is preventing him from making it. There may be a valid reason.

2

Calibrate your expectations.

  1. looking for a good time only
  2. looking for a life partner
  3. want him to spend time on your area
  4. how much does this impact your life/chance to meet someone that better satisfies what you want.

If the situation/relationship does not fit into what you want, the sooner you leave, the better, IMO. You clearly have reservations about his lack of reciprocity. If you have a good time, then think of the relationship under #1 and cut back on the visits, maybe once or twice a month.

2

Seems like you're putting forth all the effort. Invite him to your place. See what happens.

I have issued invites on several occasions but he defers or finds excuses

@SadbDanae
Sounds like you need to seriously consider breaking this off. Just my opinion...

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