27 10

I can't believe that as old as I am, when it comes to talking to women I'm interested in, whether on here, or in real life, I'm immediately tongue-tied and idiotic. I feel like I'm 14 again. If I pretend like there's no interest in either direction, or if in fact there is no interest, then I'm fine. But the minute I perceive interest on either side, it's over. What do I do?

By tnorman12369
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27 comments

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6

Fake it 'til you make it, brother. You don't have to have confidence, you just have to PRETEND you do.

That hadn't occurred to me.

This is true but don't let it look like arrogance. smile009.gif

Edited

@mzbehavin Confidence only, no condescension.

5

just explain that from here on out your behavior will be goofy, but you can still change a tire and kill spiders.

hankster Level 8 Apr 14, 2019

....................man !!......if I had know that line 30 years ago !!!!

5

Just be a friend to start - ultimately you would want someone who could also be a friend so start there... and work forward.
All else fails you have a friend.

RavenCT Level 9 Apr 13, 2019

Right. It's breaking the ice that's hard.

@tnorman1236 i think when I realized just how anxious other people are? It reset my levels a bit. Granted having a friend introduce you can be nice in any setting - but somehow I don't frighten as easy as I used to.

5

My mother always says Just be yourself. smile009.gif

Myself, I always wanted to be friends before anything else, but the other party was generally in a hurry. That would be ideal for me, though, to just start out as friends.

4

Treat everyone as a friend. The comfort will come with trust and knowledge. Social anxiety comes in many forms, this is just one. Fear of rejection causes a lot of social anxiety.

A lot less to fear from a friend than from a mere acquaintance. smile001.gif

mzbehavin Level 8 Apr 13, 2019
4

Try the old fashioned approach, it doesn't take advanced verbal skills. Hit them over the head with a club, then drag them back to your cave. Singing " The Troglodyte song" by The Jimmy Castor Bunch might help with the insanity defense at your trial too.
I am no Don Juan but I have found just being honest works. If your really interested, say so. But don't expect a woman's undies to fall down and they profess undying love forever after you tell them.

Stevil Level 8 Apr 13, 2019
4

Congrats Sir !!! Seriously , congrats ! That means u are Alive and real ! Both good things !! 🙌🙌

Pralina1 Level 8 Apr 13, 2019
3

I feel the same way like you. It's beautiful to feel butterflies around at our mature age, love doesn't have age.
Just be you and be clear how is the real you. Ask for friendship first. In my opinion it's sad when men focus on sex and forget talking about being friends and share funny stories about their life. Before you send your messages to the person that you think match with you, read carefully the profile. You will find a lot of tips.
Don't stop and keep searching for your soulmate.
Don't forget to mention in your profile about your beliefs like political and religion in case you use other dating sites. In my profile I forgot these information and I had bad surprise. Too bad.

3

For starters, you can stop taking the words out of my mouth.

3

It's not just you. But take a deep breath and go for it! We're nervous too!! Lol

3

I feel the same way. It's hard to have a conversation with someone when you feel there might be a little bit of, intimidation?

2

How's your ability at sailing in a regatta? When was your last triple-double in basketball, I would love to see your sketchbook full of lifelike caricatures of celebrities.

What's my point? Just like effective communication, these are skills that must be regularly practiced to achieve any level of aptitude. When you are skilled in an activity, odds are that even under pressure you will be able to perform.

My recommendation would be for you to join Toastmasters, take some improvisational comedy classes, or even join a debate club. Do something to improve your public speaking ability. Train your mind to be quick thinking on your feet. The side benefit to learning a skill is an automatic boost to your self-esteem. Then get out there and fail numerous times until you don't. It may not feel like it, but failure counts as practice so long as you learn something from it.

2

Well this is interesting....seems like we are proof that the parallel universe theory is correct !!!!....we are both living the same experience in a separate universe 😁😁

IamNobody Level 8 Apr 14, 2019
2

Just tell her she makes you nervous/tongue tied/ etc. Her reaction to that statement will tell you much about her.

You can have any kind of response ready should her reaction be one that indicates she is not interested or not someone you would want to know better.

Lucy_Fehr Level 7 Apr 14, 2019

Good idea. Thanks.

2

Fear of rejection makes us all afraid to make the first move. It was true when you were 14, and it's true now. Screw up your courage, and realize that just as you are not attracted to every woman, every woman will not be attracted to you. But the only guaranteed way to fail is not to try.

As a single friend of mine had hanging in her kitchen:
"There are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe not as rich, or as good-looking, but fish nonetheless."

Elganned Level 8 Apr 14, 2019
2

I'm fine in person or on the phone. I struggle with texting and messaging. These are not the way natural conversations flow, so I tend not to contact people here very often.

Sticks48 Level 9 Apr 14, 2019
2

I'm the same way. I suspect it's common for introverts. I think a more interesting question is what does a site that's supposed to be for dating do about it?

bingst Level 8 Apr 13, 2019

I'm not even introverted. I'll babble along about anything with anybody, except for the dreaded "potential for interest".

2

Don't fear anyone. It's not easy but it's the only way.

2

It happens to a lot of us. When we want to talk to the woman we like we stress out because we want to give the best impression on that person. We want to make sure that everything we say is the right thing and not anything awkward. We hate rejection and take it very personal. We also see her as if she's the judge in court or the person in a hiring interview. In fact she might just be a regular woman waiting for something nice or pleasant from us. Not easy to overcome and always try to read her body language & expressions. If she's all for you, she'll give you hints. (Alfa males don't care about rejection and they are too confident).

Guess I'm weird. I always throw the bad shit down first thinking if I scare them off they aren't for me. lol

You want a date... sure. I'm atheist, feminist, liberal and opinionated. Still want that date? smile002.gif

1

Yup back in the day I was rubbish and just like that. Don’t think I ever made the first move once. Always assumed they couldn’t possibly be interested and found it difficult to understand when they clearly were, like there was something wrong with them.

I put it down to being British at the time but apparently this particular affliction is more widespread...hey ho. I’d suggest persevering and the take it slow route has to be the one. I was never the lad to turn a head in a bar but apparently after a few gin and tonics there are some women who like gobby, short, fat, ginger accountants.

Who knew, eh? Reckon you'll be fine if you keep trying...

Yeah, for most of my life the women have made the first move rather than me. Not very often, but that's where most of my relationships have come from. Interestingly, with my wife of 35 years, I was the one that made the first move.

1

I think it's okay to just admit up front that you get nervous when you're attracted to someone. Lots of women are the same way. I was, when I met the second ex-husband, and told him exactly that on our first date. He was charmed by it.

My strategy as an older (pushing 60) woman, is just to assume up front that nobody is attracted to me, and if they are, they're desperate. It lets me just be myself with everyone, regardless of how cute they are.

1

Just be confident and respectful. It is ok for them to not be interested, be gracious and move on. As wonderful as they are, they are people too.

Canndue Level 4 Apr 14, 2019
1

I am, in the interest of being polite, eliminatining the option that you are tounge-tied and idiotic all the time.

I think your only option is to make yourself as unattractive to potential mates you can, thus eliminating the stress of them being attracted to you. This technique works well but has limited long term success. Or any success, really.

Or you can see her as a person, someone whose as afraid of you as you are of her. She could very well be feeling "tounge-tied and idiotic" too - especially if she's actually interested. Relax. She's just a person.

1of5 Level 7 Apr 13, 2019

Thanks. Easier said than done, except for the being unattractive part. Lol.

@tnorman1236 Here's the thing about being attractive... it does not require you to be beautiful or handsome. In fact physical beauty is a detriment to attractiveness most times.

Example: I am drawn to men that are kind, gentle, have a sense of humor, giving. None of these things require beauty of face. Attractiveness is in the mind not the body. This may not be so for some but it is for many and believe me you don't want someone who only lives for vanity.

I dated two guy when I was 19. They shared an apt and one guy was as gorgeous as Robert Redford with even blonder hair. I knocked myself out to try and get his attention. I was crushing hard. He was as dull as dirt. After two date I was done. I started dating his roomie (in the open with consent). He was homely by many standards. He was also warm, loving and smart as a whip. We had a blast! He went away to college and we went our separate ways but not before I learned that beauty is not everything.

I am not a beauty queen but I am charming, witty and fun and I flirt shamelessly. I have found that men find this attractive even from an average looking woman.

Confidence is attractive so is kindness, honesty and sincerity. Beauty is not required.

@tnorman1236 see? You got part of this nailed already.

Relax, pay attention to her and shut down the part of your brain that's trying to figure everything out. Shell let you know how it's going a lot better than you'll be able to figure out on your own.

1

It happens to me too, especially when I was newer to the situation. It's getting better with practice.

IowaWoman Level 4 Apr 13, 2019
1

You are not alone, I am practically a hermit, but at the same time, at my age, I don't give a fuck either, which is a strange combination, because even if I do get to know one, usually it all goes to hell anyway, because they have to many expectations, and my first and only real love is learning . . . . but what you have to think about is if you want to learn advanced math, physics, or some other thing, is, how do you learn it? You fucking read more about it, you get all the fucking books or youtube video, other information you can find and learn as much as you can, and if you want to learn something bad enough, you can. [amazon.com]

But don't take my advise, you'll have to get it from someone who specializes in skirt-chasing, ha ha.

THHA Level 7 Apr 13, 2019
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